Farewell 2011

Like so many others today and tonight, I'm saying my farewell to you 2011. For the most part, I'm glad to see you go. It's not been the worst year on record, but it has had its trying moments.

As I mentioned before, my word for 2011 was Freedom. I wanted to be free of fear and doubt, I wanted to be free of the things that held me back for so long, I wanted the freedom to be me, myself...the person that was suppressed for many years. I wanted to be free of abuse and the ghosts of the past. I would like to think I've come as close to achieving freedom as I could.

I still have work to do on the fear and doubt front, and I'm still working on finding my way back to the me I want to be. I can only hope that 2012 will bring about the divorce to free me of "The Ogre".

I am looking forward to see what 2012 will bring. I wish you all much love, health, happiness, peace, and prosperity. May your days be filled with magic. Blessings upon you all. *MUAH!!*

Word For 2012

I have been spending the last few days rolling these two words around in my head. I thought Create was going to be it, but it felt lonely something was missing.

As I am fascinated by alchemy even though I don't know much about it past the mentioning of Nicholas Flamel in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" or the tales of Ed and Al on "Fullmetal Alchemist", it still intrigues me.

Then it sorta popped into my head "CREATIVE ALCHEMY" that's my word for 2012! Every time I will paint or write I will be mixing elements to create what I want or at least I hope so. I may not have a Philosopher's Stone, but I have my crystals. I have my candles, my inspiration music, my Beloved (who also inspires me because he believes in my and supports my dreams). But it's not just painting and writing that I'll be creating. I hope to be creating more in the kitchen, like I did tonight. And I will be creating myself...becoming the person I am meant to be.

Wishcast Wednesday - New Year's Wish

On the final Wishcast for 2011, Jamie asks us What is your wish for the New Year?

Where do I start? There's so many things I want to wish for, but I don't want an endless list of wishes to fill this post. So I'll just make my wishes as they pop into my head and go from there...

• I wish that things with my Beloved just keep getting better and better
• I WISH to be FEARLESS!...in my painting, in creating
• I wish to create art
• I wish to write
• I wish to embrace who I am, to love who I am, to be at peace with who I am
• I wish for peace, love, joy, and health for all those I love and hold dear
• I wish for financial prosperity for them as well, and for myself too

I think that will do for now. I know there are more wishes in my heart that aren't surfacing yet, but I'm sure they will as the year unfolds.

Happy New Year! May 2012 be the year we all dream of and one worth remembering.

Goals for 2012, Things I'm Planning To Do

I heard about ROW80 awhile back, can say I remember from where but it sounded fun. A brand new round is starting January 2nd. You can find out more about it here. I want to write, I want to get out of this staring at my notebook or laptop rut I've been in and just start writing. Regardless if it's utter shit or not. That's what editing and revising is for. But if I don't start somewhere, then I fear that I will never get a novel or whatever it is brewing in my twisted mind completed or started for that matter.

So 2012...no more screwing around, no more excuses, no more bullshit. BUT...I need to be held accountable. I need to be kicked in the ass every so often, at least in the beginning until it becomes habit.

Other things on my plate for the start of 2012 is:

Book of Days with the fabulous Effy Wild
52 Playdates with Jan Fox
Strathmore workshops (to do them not just scan the emails :D)
River of Stones January Challenge (this is open to anyone so just FB search it)

I also want to do as many FREE workshops as I possibly can handle. I plan to dive back into painting and working in my art journal. I want to, plan to open my Etsy shop some time in 2012. I'm not happy with the name I had set up under, so I'm trying to come up with a new one. My dilemma is what do I do if some one has a name like the one I want???

I also want to get back to cooking more. I want to start experimenting in the kitchen again, seeing what I can come up with. Or finding a recipe, but putting my own spin on it.

So...who's up for kicking me in the pants every now and then to make sure I'm keeping with my goals and following my dreams?

Blessed Yule and Happy Solstice (yea I'm a bit late)

I just want to wish everyone a Blessed Yule and Happy Solstice. I had wanted to do a little ritual of some sort for myself but didn't know quite what to do. Then I had the opportunity last night to participate with Effy Wild and some of the girls participating in Book of Days 2012 in a little releasing and celebrating ceremony that Effy did. And man it was awesome...I actually got chills as she lit the releasing scroll on fire.

I know I didn't verbalize all the stuff I wish to release, I just couldn't think of it all at the moment. But basically it comes down to the fear and self doubt that I keep battling with.

I want to start off on my new adventures right, I don't want no stinking 'junkie junk' weighing me down and holding me back from finding my creativity, from tapping into my creative source and connecting with my Muse, and most especially interfering with my relationship.

Still mulling over my word for 2012, I think I've almost got it...I'm pretty sure I know it. But just in case, I'm gonna mull it over a little longer.

Bright blessings to you all.

Thinking About My Word For 2012

Yule is fast approaching, as is Christmas and New Year's. It's about that time of year to start thinking about my word or words for 2012.

My word for 2011 was Freedom. I had no idea when I picked my word how I would achieve what I knew I had to do. It took my word nearly crashing down around me, almost losing my Beloved... It took going through Connie's BIG workshop... It took the love and care and encouragement from some very dear people for me to escape my situation. All these things helped me reach my decision to leave and step out and travel 2200 miles to gain my freedom. These things helped me decide to leave an abusive situation.

I've have I think for the most part reached my word for 2011. I am free of the negative words and constant, sometimes daily put downs. I am free of feeling trapped by a man who tried and succeeded for a long time to control me. I am free to be me, free to find my way back to who I am, who I want to be. I am free to laugh at silly things, I free to be silly, I am free to believe as I wish, I am free to share my opinions and not be judged, I am free to create and paint. I am free to follow my heart.

While I have had a set back in actually doing art. That was of my own doing. I let my fears over take me and haven't picked up my paints or my paint brush in months, but I plan to change all that.

Which leads me to thinking about my word for the new year. I don't know if I can pick just one word. Right now, I am leaning towards Create. In some ways it seems like a good choice for me. But, I will ponder and meditate on some choices and see where I end up. I will post my choice at the end of the year.

Wishes, Wants and Other Ramblings

I really really want a pair of purple and black striped tights. Don't ask me why, I just do...been wanting a pair for months, I might even just settle for purple if I can't find stripes. I want fingerless gloves to match, though I don't think I will be so lucky to find them. I want more bohemian/hippie style clothes. It's more my speed/style. I love a lot of the stuff Amy Lee (of Evanescence) and Pauly Perrette (she plays Abby on NCIS). I just don't know if I could pull of the look or not. But bohemian/hippie...hell yea I think I can.

I wish...wish...wish I could take these fabulous workshops: Lifebook, DEEP, 21 Secrets. I know there are a couple (several if I'm honest) that I would love to take too. But those are my top 3 wishes. I just can't afford them. I wish I could. But money is thin, jobs are slim to come by. But maybe one day, I will be able to take them.

I wish to get back to playing with my paints. I wish the fear gremlin would just be quiet. I know that it's my own inner voice just lying to me, saying I can't or I shouldn't. I know I need to quiet it myself, or ignore it and just paint!

I wish our troops a safe trip home. I am happy for them and their families that they are all getting to come home and stay home. That this so called war is over.

I was going to talk about picking a word for the new year, but I decide that's for another post.

Book Review of "The Gossamer Gate"

I recently had the great privilege and honor of reading "The Gossamer Gate" by author and fellow blogger Wendy Callahan. I must say I really enjoyed this book and would definitely recommend it.

The story is about Khiara, a strong willed, independent woman who is also a witch and high priestess. She is in love with her best friend, who is the typical clueless guy that just sees her as one of the guys. And then there's Ronan, the Fae prince who has waited nine years to exact his revenge on her.

It's a fantastic story about friendship, following your heart, and finding true love where you least expect it. While following Khiara through the Otherworld to find her way back home, we meet many Fae on her journey...some good, some not. (I learned quite a bit about the Fae, some I never knew existed!)

The book is a quick read, under 200 pages. My only complaint is it left me wanting more. More of the story, more insight to a couple of the other characters. But over all I definitely give it 5/5 stars. I look forward to reading more of Wendy's stories.

Is It Really December Already?

My how time has flown! I can hardly believe that it's December already. I'm grateful to have made it through Thanksgiving. It certainly was an emotional week.

It was the first time I ever spent it away from my girls and I missed them. It was 5 years since my Grandma passed away. I was angry to find out that my girls went to NY for the week. Well, not that they went, but that I didn't know they were going. It would have been nice to know that they were going. But at least they got to see their cousins and seems like they had a great time. I hope they did.

And now here we are moving towards Yule, Christmas, and New Years. More things that I've never spent away from my girls. I only hope I can make through the emotions. It will be a 5th Christmas without my Grandma. It will be the first time I probably won't do any of the usual family traditions I did with her and my family growing up. I think I'm okay with that as I'm not a practicing Catholic. It will be 17 years on Christmas Eve that I lost my Daddy. More holidays entwined with loss.

I can hardly believe that in 5 days I will be out here with my Beloved 6 months! Is it really 6 months already? Things have gotten better, and are getting better everyday. I think we are stronger now then ever before. We've come a long way since I got here. But he makes me smile everyday. He knows how to cheer me up and snap me out of a funk. And there's always a warm hug at the ready when ever I need or want one.

I didn't make it through NaNoWriMo...again. The thoughts just weren't coming together. Maybe I stress myself out too much to focus and expect to fail it from the start. I was thinking to myself earlier that I can do my own sort of NaNo. Set my own monthly goal, pick a month, and give it a whirl. I think perhaps too, it's my buddy the Fear Gremlin...it was speaking pretty loudly all month long.

Which leads to why I haven't done any art since I've been here either. The Fear Gremlin rears its ugly head every time I even start to think about painting. Plus I'm just out right afraid to paint out in the open in front of everyone here. And....I'm afraid that if I did, the kittens might entertain themselves walking out it. I have envisioned colorful paw prints dotting the house.

I REALLY REALLY need to get off my ass and just do it. Just write! Just paint! Just be!

Has It Really Been 5 Years?

This past week I've just been feeling down. I would expect it to only be today, not the whole week. But when I think about it, I realize that it makes sense.

Five years ago I lost my Grandma to breast cancer. It came back with a vengeance and had spread through body viciously. Five years ago this week, I was told I would have at best 3 months...I got a week.

I felt lied to and cheated. I wanted my 3 months. I wanted one more Thanksgiving, one more Christmas, one more New Year's. I wanted my daughters to have one more birthday with her. We were all robbed of that.

For most of the past 5 years I blamed the doctor and was angry with him, I felt he lied to me because he was a family friend. I entrusted my Grandma's care to him because he was a friend. Because I was his daughter's nanny. I felt like he lied to me when he said I'd have 3 months and I didn't get it. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't...I'll never know. Maybe she let go so I wouldn't have to see her in pain, so I wouldn't have to see her suffer.

But by gods I miss her! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish she were still here with me. She was like a mother to me most of the time. She felt like I was a gift to her, replacing the daughter she lost so many years ago. My father wanted to name me after his sister, but it didn't happen that way. But still, I was her angel...her "little aniołek"

The only thing that gives me solace is that she isn't suffering and in pain. And that hopefully she is at peace and reunited with her sons, her daughter, her parents, and her husbands.

Attempting NaNo - Round 7

This is my seventh year of attempting NaNo. My best year I got close to 5,000 words in before my world fell apart. After that, the rest of the past years I've just faltered for one reason or another. Usually I succumb to those evil gremlin voices that tell me I'm not good enough.

But it's a new year with Samhain having just passed. And I just want things to be different, better. I want to be better. I want to ignore those gremlin voices and tell them where they can go. But, at the same time, as long as I hear them well then I must be doing something right if they are so determined for me to quit. Right?

I admit I'm floundering here at the beginning of NaNo. I've only gotten to 299 words so far. I was trying to write in first person, but it's just not working for me. I always seem to be "looking at the story" as if watching a movie. I wanted to try a different POV, and I found this story just isn't cut out for that. So tomorrow/later hopefully, I will start from square one and rewrite it in third person POV or omniscient ( I think that's the right word) POV.

I don't know if I'll hit 50,000 words. But if I get anywhere passed 5k...that would be an improvement over past attempts. Since I don't have anywhere to go tomorrow I don't think and other than watching "Puss n' Boots" before we have to return it...I SHOULD be able to dedicate a bit of time to actually writing.

So here's to hoping for 50k words!

NaBlo End, NaNoWriMo Starting, and Other Things

Let me start by thanking HollyMarie from "The Soulmate Secret" Experiment" blog for honoring me with a lovely award. It was a really nice surprise and made me smile all day. So Thank You!!!

Next up...I guess I could say I failed horribly at NaBloWriMo. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I just had too many things on my mind...I dunno. Oh well, there's always next year. :D

Last week I found out that my daughters' beloved cat Gizmo lost an eye. The pictures I saw before he was taken to the vet were horrible! I cried every time I looked at them. This poor sweet lovable kitty has been through so much and has probably used up about 4 of his 9 lives already. His eye looked like it was completely pulled out of the socket. He has since had surgery and is recovering. No one knows how it happened, but they suspect someone did it to him intentionally. It is my prayer that the Goddess Bast will keep watch over this sweet boy and keep him safe from harm.

And tomorrow...well almost 8 hours from now the madness of NaNoWriMo begins. I will be attempting it again. I don't know yet what kind of approach I will take to doing it. My current thought is to take my original project, that got siderailed by life and death, is to start completely from scratch. Forget what I have written and just begin all over from word one.

There is another idea brewing in my mind, but I have not done any lick of research into it. The inspiration for this idea is from World of Warcraft. It involves the concept of Undercity and the Ruins of Lordaeron, perhaps even the surrounding area of Tirisfal Glades. But it would mean researching the lore of Lordaeron and Undercity, the Forsaken, etc.

I've also one more idea lurking, but that character isn't speaking much yet and anything involving it would require research, research, research. Plus I've got this sudden fascination with Steampunk, and would like to some how incorporate it with possibly my NaNo project or the lurking character. But I know Jackshit about Steampunk...so again...I guess it would require lots of research.

So here's to what I hope will be a productive if not hectic month of writing.

NaBloWriMo-Day 25 On Authors and Books

Authors, books, writing and such... Today's prompt is: Who is your favorite author? Or What is your favorite book? Or possibly: Do you find yourself thinking like the characters in the last book you read talk? Is that just me? It's totally just me, isn't it?

Well I have more than one favorite author. When I was in the 6th, 7th, 8th grades it was Laura Ingalls Wilder. I was already hooked on the Little House TV series already and I wanted to read all about Laura and her adventures during the pioneer days.

When I hit high school, a friend introduced me to V. C. Andrews. And man, was I HOOKED! I read everything she had out at the time and reread a few because they quickly became favorites and well just waiting for the next series to be published. I think the "Flowers in the Attic" series and the "Heaven" series are still my favorites. I was sad when I heard she passed away. The person penning the manuscript ideas and stories she left behind is good but just not as good as V.C. was. And you can tell the difference.

Then I got way older and found Tolkien and J.K. Rowling. They have been an inspiration to my imagination. Jo inspired me to put the pen to paper. If she could do it, then maybe someday I could to. I truly hope she will write more books.

My latest new favorite is Kit Berry. Author of the Stonewylde series. They are really good books. The forth in the series I believe just came out and I REALLY need to get my hands on it to read it while I (im)patiently wait for the 4th book in the Eragon series.

Favorite books (in particular order):
Flowers in the Attic
Heaven
My Sweet Audrina
Lord of the Rings
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
The Stonewylde Series

I don't know that find myself thinking like the characters in a book, but I have had the occasional I wonder what Molly Weasley would do. Or I wonder how Hermione would handle this. Or damn I wish I was Hermione and knew that spell LOL. But I do find myself quoting them at times...Does that count?

NaBloWriMo-Day 17

I'm really failing at this aren't I? It was a busy week, lots was going on. Kept thinking to myself, "HEY! Don't forget to post something!" I kept checking for prompts...but there weren't any. Not an excuse for not posting I know. But they do help with a project/challenge like this. Oh well, can't dwell on what I didn't do.

Then by the end of the week, I was pretty pissed. It was over something someone said. Defending someone that habitually is the cause of a problem 99% of the time? Really?...Could be the PMS, but the comment made to me just rubbed me wrong and I was pissed most of the day. (I hid it fairly well, I think). But when somebody says they're are mad, and you know they are around the person that 99% of the time is the cause of them being mad....Wouldn't you automatically assume that THAT PERSON made them mad yet again? Well whatever...I'm over it. Excuse me for give a shit and asking what was the matter. Maybe I was wrong to assume, but vague comments cause things like that...Ya know?

Well today's prompt is What's your favorite Fall recipe? ( I know none of what I just wrote above has anything to do with cooking LOL but I had to vent a little.)

I don't have a favorite recipe really. I do like to cook some of the more in season foods like Butternut Squash or Sweet Potatoes or Rutabaga (which we always called turnip but anywho).
With the squash, I keep it simple...peel and seed it, cube and boil it till tender. Drain then mash with butter LOTS of butter, a splash of milk, and sometimes I'll add a dash of nutmeg and/or coriander. Sweet Potato...baked to perfection then top with LOTS of butter and cinnamon sugar. Rutabaga we always made it just like a mashed potato. Peeled, cubed, boiled till tender, drain and mash with milk and yes again...LOTS of butter. (Paula Deen is my hero :D)

Wishcast Wednesday - Love

It's Wishcast Wednesday again, today Jamie asks "How do you wish to be loved?"

It's kind of ironic that this is the prompt for today since this is sort of what I was talking about with my Beloved's Mom today.

You see my wish is to be loved unconditionally, with out expectations, with out criticism, to be accepted as I am - the good with the bad. To be loved completely...heart, body, mind and soul.

But you know what? Such love can be down right frightening especially if you have NEVER had it before. When it is so far from what you've known all your life...and then suddenly BAM! There it is. When you're told that you are worth it, that you deserve it, that you're perfect just how you are...happy, sad, emo, angry, pms'ing...on your soapbox or off it...All of it, all the different facets that make you who you are, and you are loved wholly, completely, unconditionally. I almost lost it, that love. Because of the fear.

That is my wish though to have it, to keep it, to embrace it, and never let it go.

NaBloWriMo-Day 9

Okay Okay...I know I missed a couple days here but to be honest...I felt like shit. For a while there I thought I was coming down with something, I was sore and achy all over, felt a little tired, a slight cough. But then I figured out, it might just be allergies since I'm exposed to new stuff out here because I am feeling better. Just still a bit achy but that's better too.

Today's prompt is: Given that Autumn is busting out all over, which is your favorite season and why? Alternately, which is your LEAST favorite season and, of course, why?

Autumn is my favorite season. I love the cooler weather, the changing of the leaves, the pumpkins. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving. And well even though I deny it's existence, my birthday is in the Fall too (in 19 days to be exact).

I don't have a least favorite really. I have my moments where I hate summer but that's only when days are too hot and too humid to enjoy, and the same with winter when the days are just to damn cold. But I have more reasons to like a season than to dislike a season even if my allergies go completely haywire. That's what Zyrtec is for :D

NaBloWriMo-Day 5

Prompt: What is your favorite way to spend time with your family?

My favorite way(s) to spend time with family:

• at the dinner table enjoying a good meal and good conversation
• watching a movie or show
• playing games
• going out and just having a good time whether it's a walk in the park or around a mall

Like today...it was my Beloved's Grandma's birthday. She turned 91, bless her heart. We went
over and sang her "Happy Birthday" and had some baked from scratch cake that his sister made.
She was so happy, she got teary-eyed.

While I felt a little sad knowing that less than a month from today would have been my Grandma's 91st birthday and I miss her dearly. It was nice to spend it with his Grandma and see her so full of life and smiling.

NaBloWriMo-Day 4

It's actually day 2 for me since I missed the first 2 days. Kinda sucks in a way since I really liked the Day 2 prompt: "If you could live the life of any heroine or hero from one of your favorite books, which one would it be?"

I think I would want to be Hermione Granger or perhaps Eowen. I would say Arwen, but only if I could live the movie version of her. I would even go so far as to say I would like to be Snape or even Dumbledore. (Is it obvious that I love J.K.'s work? LOL)

But alas we aren't on that theme today. No, no...today's prompt is: What advice would you give your fifteen-year-old self?

So we are to advise our 15 year old self. Huh...hmmmm...Well let's see, let me write myself a letter.

Dear 15 year old me,
I'm just going to tell you straight up...okay that guy you think you can save from his addictions...
you can't. STOP! You can't, don't try, just walk away. No, run away from him and don't look back! That way you can also stay in school and graduate (instead of getting your GED) and maybe you can even go to prom. The guy is bad news, a liar, a cheat, a thief and an abuser. You deserve better than that.
When you get a bit older, follow your heart and your dreams. You can do anything, be anything you want to be. You are stronger than you think. You have talents you don't even know about. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough! No matter who it is.
And go to Grandma when you need help or advice. She's a wise woman and she'll never steer you wrong. She will always be in your corner and will fight for you and support you.
Stand up for yourself, think for yourself, just be you. Not what someone else wants you to be. Remember you are strong, smart and beautiful. Live life to the fullest.
Love,
Your Older, Wiser Still Learning Self.

It's NaBloWriMo or Blogtoberfest.

Depending on which you are doing that is. In all reality you can do both since...well...they are both running the month of October...so YEA! I checked out Blogtoberfest list of blogs and most were about quilting or knitting...and I do neither...maybe that's changed I dunno but I thought I'd be out of place there. Of course I could link my art blog but it's kinda covered in cobwebs at the moment and my art production...well let's just say I haven't actually done any in over 4 months? something like that....before I left at least.

So the goal is to write a blog post every day for the month of October. There will be a daily prompt up at the NaBloWriMo blog to help. Now yea I know I missed days 1 and 2....I totally forgot about NaBloWriMo or more like when it was...but I'm starting now and it's never too late to join in. And who knows, maybe it will help with NaNoWriMo which starts November 1st!

Anywho....today's prompt is: Prompt for Monday, October 3: Many people have lucky socks or shirts or stones or pens. Is there an object you own that you consider lucky? If so, why?


I don't know if I have a lucky (Fill in the blank) per se. But I do have my favorites. Like a favorite shirt or favorite pen. I can't say that I have anything really that I feel like if I don't wear it or use it or whatever it would be a bad thing. Well maybe that's not entirely true now that I think about it. There is the ring that my Beloved gave me. I haven't taken it off since, and I won't...ever! It's a symbol of hope and happiness. I guess I have sorta convinced myself that if I took it off that those things might be gone or it might at the least be disrupted. So okay, yea I do have something. Silly as it maybe or superstitious or whatever label you want to put on it. But I know it's not the ring that keeps us together, it's us that does.

Okay, so there we have it. One post down, the rest of October to go.

Ponderings And A Late Wishcast Wednesday-Immerse

It's been about three and a half months since I left now. I'm working on letting go of the notion that I'm supposed to be this or that, or doing something more than I am. It's hard to do let me tell ya. It's hard to accept the generosity of others without thinking you need to do something in return other than be happy or a simple thank you. I'm not one to ask for things, no matter how badly I might need something. It's taking time to get used to being around others that have no expectations of you, that don't try to change you, or that just want you to be happy and be yourself who ever that may be.

I've been finding it hard to sit and read even though I have managed to read about a half dozen books since I've been here. And I have a stack to go through yet, not counting the unread books I brought with me. I've been finding it extremely difficult to do any sort of art. Maybe it's just fear of doing it openly in front of so many here, maybe it's my lack of a small space to just set up my art stuff and having a place to paint....I really don't know. Or perhaps it's just the Fear Gremlin messing with me in general.

Something that touched me this week is that my friend Sage messaged me about how my August 21st post touched her. How it made her realize she isn't alone in how she is feeling. It seems she related to much of what I wrote and we've been experiencing the same feelings of guilt. The feeling that we don't do enough for those around us...our loved ones. Oddly enough too...both our loved ones have pretty much told us the same things. "Lighten up! Don't be so hard on yourself! You do plenty! You need to relax and do something you enjoy!" I don't know but to me it seems that the Universe is telling us both to chill out and get our paint brushes wet, to start arting. Now mind you neither of us were told to art specifically but it's just a sense of what I'm getting. The thing is for us to get ourselves doing it!

I've been feeling down (and PMS doesn't help) and that leads to me being hard on myself, which leads to me getting weepy. And well my Beloved...he notices. And he wouldn't let up until I fessed up. Plus he saw the exchange of messages between myself and Sage. And he reminded me once again, that I wasn't brought out here to "do it all", to keep house, to be the bookkeeper and number cruncher, to be the secretary, the cook, etc. That they didn't have me come out here to take money from me, they don't want a dime from me. He told me that I'm out here for us, and for myself. And that I need to just learn to let someone take care of me for a change, instead of me being the one to juggle and worry about everything. He said my priorities right now are us, myself, the girls, the kitten, helping out with the inside animals, sneaking in helping out with dishes (I'm not supposed to do the dishes...every woman's dream right? LOL), cooking occasionally and tending the veggie and herb garden.

Which in turn brings me to Wishcast Wednesday, albeit 2 days late. But Jamie asked "What do you wish to immerse yourself in?" I guess it's taken me a couple of days to think about. Process my conversation with Sage and my conversation with my Beloved.

I wish to immerse myself in creativity, in art, in my paints, in learning to self love, into learning to really tap into my Creative Source. I wish to immerse myself into each new day on a path of discovery in myself, with my beloved, with those around me, and with nature and finding my Path what ever it is.

Wishcast Wednesday - Path

Ah, it's Wishcast Wednesday with Jamie Ridler. Boy has it ever been a long time since I've taken part. This week Jamie asks "What path do you wish to follow?"

What a timely question since that has been on my mind a lot lately. I wish to follow the path of my heart, the path to happiness and love, the path to art and creativity, the path to living fearlessly.

Learning Acceptance

That's what I've been dealing with lately. Learning acceptance, learning what it's like to be a part of a family that wants you there, that doesn't try to change you into something you're not. Learning that contributing to the household doesn't always mean financially.

And let me tell you, it's not an easy thing to learn. When you have been conditioned for so long that there is something wrong with who you are and that no matter how much or how hard you tried to become what someone else wanted you to be and it still wasn't enough. That the way you are (how you look, act, dress, eat, sleep, talk, etc) is now okay, it's enough...there's no need to change except to not go back to the fears and doubts and let them consume you. It's HARD! I have trouble understanding it, trouble wrapping my head around the whole idea that I am wanted and loved for who I am, the way I am.

There is a lot of reassurance and long talks going on. That this is not some fluke or some twisted game. That the rules aren't going to suddenly change mid game and that I'd suddenly be expected to change myself. The only changes that are expected of me is like I said that I don't go back to the dark places where fear and doubt reside, AND to make changes in myself that only I, ME MYSELF, want to make.

So the other thing I am learning is how to stay out of that dark place. Some days are easier than others. The hard days are usually the ones where I feel helpless because I cannot do more, when I want to help someone close to me because they are going through a rough time and I can't be there for them because they are so far away. But I'm learning, and I have a lot of support here especially from my Beloved and his Mom.

The lesson isn't just learning to accept how they all feel about me, it's also learning to accept myself as I am. And that no matter how much I want to do something, it's not always possible. I wish I could elaborate more on this, but I can't right now. All I can say at this time is I have a loved one going through something right now and I feel helpless to do anything for them. AND IT SUCKS!!!

On Harry Potter

Yesterday was a good day, no a great day! Went to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2" with my Beloved and Sister 3. It was supposed to be a double date but her beloved couldn't make it, family stuff came up last minute. Then afterwards we went to dinner where good food and good laughs were had by all. I have to say, that if the conversations and all the laughing we did were done in front of the Ogre...we would have been scolded like 5 year olds playing with their food or something. But we had fun and that's what matters.

What can I say about the movie? It was awesome! I got teary-eyed yes. How could I not? The scene with Snape that all the die hard fans questioned worked beautifully. Alan Rickman was amazing. To see Snape in that way was just so wonderful, it gave me a new love for the Professor. (Yes I read the book after it came out, wish I read it again before I saw the movie...but still) And the scene of Molly vs. Bellatrix...OMG AWESOME!!!! I wish Ginny had some more screen time/dialogue as well as Luna. I wish they had expanded a bit on the whole Percy back with his family too. To see our beloved Hogwarts in ruins was sad and heartbreaking.

All in all, it was a fantastic movie. But for true Harry Potter fans it will never be the end, as Neville said "He is in our hearts." Whether there will ever be a "before Harry" or "after Harry" written by Jo we don't know but a bit of Harry lives on in all of us.

There was a time where I was dead set against Harry, but not of my own choosing...I was following someone else's lead. Back during a time when I almost wasn't allowed to think for myself or make my own decisions without being criticized by those around me. During a time when my oldest hated to read with a capital H! She discovered Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, then moved on to Chamber of Secrets and before I knew it my big girl who hated reading now couldn't stop. She read through every book that was available at the time and we got the rest as they were released. Curious as to why of all books she would go back and re-read these over and over, I picked up Harry and fell in love too. Though I haven't read them more than once, I am glad that I did read them. I am glad my girl found Harry and now enjoys reading.

Like many others, I am grateful to Jo for writing Harry's story. For inspiring not just my child but thousands of children to read. For inspiring people like me to want to write. Thank you Jo for bringing Harry to the world.

I highly recommend seeing the movie (more than once!!). Definitely worth every second.

Isn't She Just The Cutest Thing EVER???

This is the sweet little thing that showed up the other day and was hiding under the back porch. Isn't she just adorable??

She's been doing well so far. Eating like a horse. Isn't very fond of the other cats or the dogs yet, but she is doing well around them.

Her meow is so low, you can hardly hear it. I'm hoping her voice will get a little bit louder as she gets stronger and gains weight and such.

Now...I have been given the task of naming her. I don't have a clue. The girls say Luna. I've been bouncing around Bella (after the infamous Bellatrix LeStrange) or Nox. Yes they are all Harry Potter related. Or another I was thinking about was Onyxia after a dragon from Warcraft. Decisions Decisions!

And Another Kitten Appears!

So it seems like the Universe is determined to place a kitten in my/our care.
This morning after Sister 3 and Dad left to go visit Sister 1 and the Baby, I looked out the door and saw a little fluffy black kitten. I figured it couldn't be more than 8 weeks old. I thought I was seeing things, I had to look twice! I decided to grab my camera but when I looked again it was gone! No clue where it disappeared to except maybe under the back porch.

I took a look and couldn't see anything. Thinking perhaps in the last month I missed meeting a resident outside cat, I asked my Beloved who it might be. He had no clue what I was talking about. So when I heard from Mom later, I mentioned it to her and thus the mystery began of who this kitty was and where it came from.

When Sister 3 came home, I told her and soon after the peering under the porch and trying to coax it out began. It didn't take too long to lure the little critter out thankfully. Poor baby is so thin you can feel it's bones. We've determined it is a girl. And VERY hungry. Not knowing when she might have eaten last. She's a long hair, maybe part Angora or Persian? Her tail isn't fluffy like that though. If it wasn't that her fur was so fluffy she'd look like skin and bones!

She is all black far as I can tell right down to the tip of her cute little nose! In the lamp light it looks like she has red highlights. After a bowl of milk and some food she started to clean herself. And she does know how to use a litter box.

We have no clue where she came from, or how long she may have been under the porch even. All the cats here are fixed, so it isn't from one of ours.

I am trying to come up with a name for her. And I will try to take some pictures tomorrow to post of her. Tonight we just want her to relax and calm down, she was very nervous and skittish when we brought her in the house.

Shit she is a cute little bugger!!!

I'm PISSED! People Need To STFU!

Okay so I am a little calmer than I was last night, but I'm still mighty pissed off.

Apparently, the Ogre's sister (a bible thumping whack job) is praying for me to get better. I didn't know I was sick! I guess finding courage and following my heart makes me sick??? News to me. Also according to said Whack Job, things that made me leave were using the Ouija board in my teens and using the Tarot cards. HUH!! Who knew? I certainly didn't.

I have come to find out he put anything I left behind out in the already overstuffed garage since Whack Job came to stay. He didn't want her to have to look at my stuff. Okay, whatever. He is letting her use my Grandma's cedar wardrobe. This irritated the girls and they told her if I knew she was using it I would be mad. My youngest told her that it used to be Grandma's and that's why it stills smells like her. And Whack Job, said "What? You mean it smells dead??? Yep that's what it smells like dead dead dead!" WHAT A BITCH!!! That was a low fucking blow.

You can say what ever the fuck you want about me, but don't say it to my kids and don't you fucking dare talk about my grandmother! In all the years I never EVER once talked shit about there mother to anyone!!! Not that I had a bad word to say about the woman, but that's not the point.

Supposedly she's staying there too until the doctor gives her the okay to back the pit she came from. I know this will be hell for the girls. SHIT she's been there since Sunday and this is the shit she's stirred up so far. Not to mention how she was going on about the evils of Harry Potter.

Sometimes I wish I could turn her into something non-human like a bug or a worm LOL. I am just surprised that it took the Whack Job a whole fucking month to start shit.

Learning To Feel At Home

I can hardly believe I am here a month! I miss my girls of course. I do get to talk to them and think of them everyday.

So much as happened in such a short time. Soon after I got here my Beloved's Grandma got sick and spent a few days in the hospital. Nothing serious but when you're 90 they like to take precautions. She is home and doing fine. Last week we gained a baby kitten, but it didn't make it and passed yesterday. Which is also the day we welcomed a new baby to the family. I have finally met all the family now, Mom included. Once I got over my initial nerves, I felt like I had known her forever. We even planted our vegetable garden by twilight and the sliver of moon looking down at us. Yesterday I planted our herbs. The garden and herbs and such are my responsibility. I am fine with that, I love to garden :D

It's taken a little bit, but I am finally starting to relax, feel more at ease. Feeling like I can breathe. I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells constantly. I mean I still have my moments where I want to just go and hide, but I think it's getting better. I am still finding my place though, but I do feel like I am part of a family and not an outsider looking in.

I never thought I would feel at home in the middle of the country. Being a city girl and all. I wake up to a sunrise and can watch the sunset every night. I can see the stars clearer than I have in a long time and the moon oh the glorious moon. I have access to what can be a VERY big garden! I have a small herb garden. I can hear the neighbors horses whinnying in the morning, and no matter which window I look out I can see his crops growing or mountains in the distance. I am completely surrounded by nothing but the sounds of nature. Peaceful, tranquil...except for the rooster that can't tell time LOL.

Maybe this is how I will find my path since I have been feeling lost for the last few months. Maybe I'm not supposed to label it or follow a particular road. Maybe this is where I learn to intertwine the things I am drawn to regardless of what pantheon a Goddess or God belongs to. Where I learn to no get hung up on not having the right tools or the right method. Where I learn to connect with nature and the Goddess from the heart.

I am "home" because it is where my Beloved is. It is where I get to be myself or figure out who I am. Where I get to spend time with my Beloved...to just talk or watch a movie or just sit and be. Where I can get big warm hugs and learn that everything is going to be okay.

It's A Boy!!!

Sister 1 had the baby, 8 lbs and 11 oz. Momma and baby are doing fine.

I know Mom and sisters 2 and 3 are very happy. They got to see him
and said he's so cute.

I'm just glad mom and baby are fine.

It's A Bi-Polar Day!!

I don't even know if bipolar is the right word to use but it's a happy/sad day here at the house or hospital depending on who's where.
Mom and the sisters 2 and 3 are at the hospital waiting sister 1 to give birth. Last I heard she was at 6 cm and had just got her epidural, and that was around 9 AM Idaho time. So happy happy joy joy...new baby on the way.
And then you have me, here at the house...sad because our new little baby kitten didn't make it. We got it last Tuesday? I think. Sister 1 called and said they had found the little bugger abandoned in a car. It's eyes were still closed. By the next day it's eyes were opening and seemed to be doing okay. It was eating, sleeping and doing all those other baby kitty things. When I had baby duty Sunday night it was waking every 2 hrs to be fed, I woke up Monday feeling like a zombie and pretty much was minus the craving for brains LOL. Sister 3 had baby duty Monday night and it was waking her every 1/2 hour! It wouldn't eat much if at all. So all day yesterday after it finally took some kitty formula mid morning...it slept! and slept! and slept! ALL DAY it slept! It stirred a few times, but still wouldn't eat and always fell right back to sleep.
Tried to get it to eat late last night with no luck. I was on baby duty and it woke me about 2 AM. I thought yay it's gonna eat...but alas it didn't want to yet again. It was acting like it was still sleepy, so I laid it back down in its box. When I woke up this morning, and after finding out everyone was at the hospital I turned around to check on the wee one and sadly it had passed. I feel so bad. Turning things over in my mind wondering if there was anything else I/we could have done.
We did find out it was the runt of the litter. They had found 3 more babies yesterday that were much bigger then this little bugger. They were taken to a no kill facility and placed in foster care. I hate loss. :(


This was taken the day we got the little bugger. R.I.P Baby Kitty.

It's Been Three Weeks Now...

And I am finally starting to relax a little, feeling a little more comfortable. Feeling less like "HE" has sent someone to find me. I did not tell "HIM" where I was going, but supposedly he has some inkling that I'm out west. I heard Oregon and Idaho are among "HIS" thoughts.

I've also heard that "HE" has told "HIS" sister, who conveniently had a dream the night before that I left. I highly doubt she did, but whatever. My young one says this is Her way of telling "HIM" I told you so. Not sure about what exactly but I do know She was NEVER thrilled "HE" married me. So hopefully, Her misery will be ended in a timely manner in the form of a divorce.

I still have that "I feel like I'm watching this all unfold" feeling a little bit. It still doesn't feel totally real, so if I am dreaming please Don't Wake Me Up!! KKTHX!

Just being here, with my Beloved. Seeing him everyday, spending time with him, talking, watching a movie, etc has been really good. Well good isn't the best word to use. But to say it's been amazing, awesome, wonderful, blissful...would work too. I'm sure I could find a few other words as well.

I really can't believe though, that it is three weeks. In some ways, I feel like I just got here. In other ways, I feel like I've always been here. Some things are just funny that way I guess.

Who Knew?

That jet lag and time zone adjusting would take so long? I had no idea especially since, I had never been past the East Coast!! But I think my body is just about adjusted to the change in time and stuff. Finally got around to unpacking. Oddly I was a bit apprehensive about it. I don't know why.
In someways it still feels a bit like a dream, or like I'm watching it all unfold for someone else.

I guess that part will still take some getting used too. That I am actually here. That I did do it. I made it. I don't know what's next. I'm just taking it one day at a time for the moment. Adjusting to the new surroundings. Adjusting to the fact that I am wanted and a part of something, that I am NOT invisible. Oddly I'm finding it hard to speak or at least speak up and be heard. For so long, I was told I was "too loud" that I needed to tone it down some, that the neighbors didn't need to hear what I had to say. But I did that because I was never listened too, so I always found myself talking louder than necessary. Now I don't need to shout to be heard but I am allowed to speak louder than a church mouse. It's just a bit to get used to.

Spending time with my Beloved has been the absolute best part of all. Just being able to talk to him and get a hug...is really nice. Well it's better than nice to be able to get those hugs that I've missed so much. I've missed him so much. It's still hard not to cry even though I'm actually here. But, they are happy tears this time, most of the time. Happy tears that I am here, and I can see him, hug him, talk to him. I'm just taking it all in and taking it one day at a time.

I've Made It Safe and Sound

I'm here in my new surroundings. Just trying to find my footing now and adjust to being in a new place. The flights were good. Both left on time and arrived early at there destinations.

I'm just waiting for my PC to get here, I kinda miss it. The laptop is okay...just annoying and SLOW!!! Everything else will arrive....I don't know when for sure. Parcel post is Snail mail at it's finest I guess lol. But when it does, it does.

Trying to find my ground has been a little hard. I'm just really happy to be here with my beloved. I'm sore and achy all over, and still a little jet lagged.

Then night before I left, the Ogre asked if I knew when I was coming back...I said no I don't. He just said 'Oh'. He had no idea that I was taking my PC...but I'm sure he found out when he got home. I don't know how that went. I'm not asking....I kinda don't want to know.

I just want to breathe and relax a bit. And enjoy the hugs I get from my Beloved.

Travel Day...

It's late and I should be thinking about possibly getting some sleep. But I still have a few things left to do. I'm feel like one bundle of nerves. It's messing up my tummy and I don't like that feeling.

The Ogre didn't like it too much that I would be gone before he got home. One reason I had purposely held off telling him exactly what time until the last possible moment. I don't want any more confrontation with him right now. It's better this way for me at least.

Why does a laptop have to be so darn heavy!?!?!?!? Or maybe I'm just a weakling! Everything felt heavy today whether it was or not. I'm really just stressing over getting my computer shipped right now I think...that's got me all twisted. Hopefully it won't be outrageous and all that.

But by this time tomorrow, I will be in Idaho. And that makes me happy.

One More Day...

By this time tomorrow, I will be in Idaho. I'm so nervous!! I don't care to fly alone, I've only done that twice....but do it I will. I'm also excited and happy, anxious, scared...yes...one day left and I'm still all of those things. It has yet to feel real...It's almost like I'm on the outside watching it all take place.

I am looking forward to seeing my Beloved again. It's been far too long that I haven't seen him. I think that is what I am most nervous about. I was very nervous the first time...and I am just as nervous now. But it's also the part I am most happy about, is seeing him again.

I know you are all wondering too...Did she tell the Ogre? Yes, he has been informed. I did not get the screaming at I was expecting...which has shocked me!!! And makes me very suspicious and apprehensive. He asked me if I was sure. Even offered to drive me to the airport. I told him it's all been arranged that it wasn't necessary. I have a sneaking suspicion that he was sort of expecting it. I'm not sure how. The girls have assured me they told him nothing. Something just seems to unsettle me about it...so I won't be resting easy until I'm on my way.

It will probably be Friday before I have my computer. I will try to check in after I'm settled from my laptop...but if not it will definitely be by the weekend.

I fully believe that the thoughts and wishes and prayers if you will that you have sent my way as it led up to the moment of telling the Ogre is what made a difference...And for that I thank you all. May the Goddess Bless you all!

5 Days Left

I'm a bundle of nerves, I feel anxious. I just want to be there already so that waiting is over. So that I can know that the hurdle of leaving doing so safely is done.

I haven't told the Ogre yet. I know...probably not a good thing. BUT...when the fuck do you tell somebody? Especially one you have no fucking idea what they will do?! It is making me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I keep thinking, maybe just treat it like a band aid and say it. I wanted to wait until my big girl got back from her trip. She is now back safe and sound.

So, I have to do it in the next couple of days. There's no ifs ands or buts about it. But I'm scared shitless! The last time I attempted to tell him I was rooted to the floor with fear of doing it. I've had a few say I should just tell him from the airport. Or tell him the morning I'm leaving. But then I consider the people that may encounter him on the road...and don't want them to suffer on account of me if the Ogre is raging down the highway.

I am trying to believe he won't do anything that would cause him to lose the girls or his job. But as I may have mentioned, I don't feel like I know him at all so therefore I don't know what he might do. Part of me thinks he has some sort of idea...but I don't know how he might know, unless someone spilled the beans or hinted to him.

But I have to tell the Ogre this weekend....since I leave Tuesday....
I'm just a bundle of mixed up emotions.........I am really struggling with the fear of telling him. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat. I know that sleeping will be more difficult after I tell him. And Monday night...who knows if I will get any at all! I hope once this parts over, and I'm there I can relax and hopefully get some much needed sleep.

Hopefully I will survive telling the Ogre and make to Idaho safely and then I can blog from there.

I Apparently Cannot Count, Today Makes 11 Days

Or perhaps, it's that I just wish I was there already? Maybe both? Yesterday was 12, to day is 11 days until I leave. I still have the box dilemma, and the scrap book dilemma. I think I might just ship them. I don't really see a choice. I think my biggest thing is my books that I want really. Some are new, some are used. Yes most or all can be replaced. But it still ends up cheaper to ship them media rate than to try to replace them all. Especially my Eragon series which are first editions. (For whatever reason...it's a big deal to me. Almost all my Harry Potters are first too, but I am leaving those with my oldest. I think) Then there's my 50th Anniversary collector's edition of the "Lord of the Rings". Yes it was a gift from the Ogre...but it's Tolkien damn it! And my "Mists of Avalon" series. Then my herb books....FUCK there's got to be an easier way.

In total I think it's about 9 or 10 small boxes. I mean smallest is 9"x8.5"x5" and largest is 16"x10"x12". The others are assorted sizes in between. And I still need a box to put my Great Grandma's 3 little crystal sherry glasses in (I think that's what they are) and my Grandma's very old kissing Mr and Mrs Claus. I'd love to take her nativity statues but they are so old and fragile they won't make it. I'm not even sure the Mr. and Mrs. will :( as they are probably just as old. Maybe I should just leave them here?

And that's not counting my PC and monitor that I'll be shipping as well. Right now it's a toss up between UPS and FedEx. But hell if I can get a good gauge on price. If I go through the company sites I get one price. If I go through a price comparison site, I get totally different prices. UGH!!!!!!!!! I honestly don't know which one I should go through if the price is close. FedEx shows it can get it there in like 4 days (ship Tuesday, arrives Friday). UPS looks like they may have a 3 day, which would get it there by Thursday.

Now some maybe thinking, what's the big deal on when it arrives. Well see, I'm a gamer, sort of. I play MMOs and I'm am an important part of a team in one of these games and there's no one that can replace me. And I don't want us missing more than we have to. Yes I care about the people I play with, so I don't want to disrupt our schedule too much for too long. Plus, it has a lot of my important shit on it too. So, yes getting it to me as quick as possible is priority.

All this part here...to get around, to get things done and I have no one to turn to save one person...Just makes me realize how isolated I've been. When the only people you know are the people he knows...and you know that they won't believe you or help you...It really sucks. I'm just grateful to my only friend here for doing what she can, when she's able to. It really means a lot to me.

12 Days and Counting

Well, I leave in 12 days. WOAH! I gotta tell ya my mind won't stay quiet. I constantly feel like I'll forget something important, or just forget something in general. There are some things my grandma left me I wish I could take, but it's just not possible. But it will be here for the girls. So in the end I guess it's all good.

I was going to tell the Ogre over the weekend and I was so terrified, I was getting sick to my stomach. I don't think the girls want to be in the room when I do it. And that makes me uneasy. After talking it over a bit with my Beloved, it was decided that I'd wait a few more days to tell the Ogre. The thought of having to put up with whatever shit he might throw my way for 2 weeks didn't seem logical.

So now the choice comes down to do I tell him this weekend OR wait till my oldest comes home from her trip? She returns on Wednesday. So do I tell him Thursday? Do I tell him the weekend before I leave? I've come close to slipping now a couple times. My biggest fear is what he will do. I can't help worrying that he will either do something to me or some how keep me from leaving. And yes, I could very well be overreacting and he might do nothing at all.

It all just makes me very scared and nervous. It gets me to the point of being sick to my stomach. This part really sucks! I don't like feeling like this.

Randomness...

18 days to left until I leave. Still planning/contemplating telling the Ogre this weekend. My oldest asked I would please wait until after they went to that super center place that has all the shit you need. She wants to make sure she gets stuff for her trip on Tuesday before I tell him. Fair enough, I suppose.

Still playing phone tag again this week with Miss Helpful. It sucks! I understand she is very busy. It tough because there's only 2 advocates in the office. And ironically Miss Bitchy is the one that always answers the phone. I know she probably recognizes my voice by now and I often wonder if she just doesn't send me straight to voicemail. I will try again on Monday.

Tuesday my oldest leaves for week visit to Texas to see her girlfriend. I must admit, I'm rather surprised she is getting to go. I, we thought he would continue to make excuses for her not to go. He doesn't accept her choice. (She came out to us on Christmas day.) I'm very supportive, I love my child and her choice doesn't change who she is. "HE" on the other hand has issues and is in denial. I think it was her girlfriend's parents offering to buy the ticket that got to "HIM" though. Even though we can't afford to send her. I don't know how the fuck "HE" is doing this but...she's going and thrilled. So I'm happy for her.

Tuesday will also mark 2 weeks until I leave. I'm feeling a bit scatter brained at the moment. Trying to decide still what needs to go now, what can I do with out. How will I get said boxes to be shipped? Still contemplating how to get my 2 scrapbooks there.

RIP "Macho Man" Randy Savage. I remember watching him as he went up against the likes of Hulk Hogan, Ricky Steamboat, etc. Back in the day when wrestling was wrestling...I was a fan of it. I remember meeting Ivan Putski and Ted DiBiase (I touched his hand, I was 12 and had a HUGE crush!!!) I hope his wife has a swift recovery.

And the rapture nonsense (SIGH!). Enough already? I dunno. I mean people are doing stupid shit like quitting their jobs, spending their life savings....It's madness. Now the only thing I can say is back from when I was in church, one thing that was always preached is nobody knows when this shit will go down. And I'm sorry but I clearly remember them teaching that after the rapture it's supposed to be 7 years not 5 months. And if this dumb ass old fart is gonna make such claims....why the fuck is the rest of the shit that supposedly leads up to this going on? Oh yea cuz he's full of shit? What's he gonna say when 6 rolls around and nothing happens? "Oops, I screwed up again?" People People....if you want to believe in it that's fine and dandy...but don't go doing stupid shit like quitting your job, spending your last dime, etc. I wasn't gonna talk about it but "HE" has brought it up a couple times in the last couple days. And I don't know why. LOL

On Writing...

My mind has be wandering back to writing a lot lately. I haven't had anything specific jump out, not really except the image of a very haggard looking soul. Not quite sure yet where this potential character might fit in to my work in progress (that's been sitting for almost 4 years) or something new. But the thought of possibly being able to write again makes me smile. However, while I am hoping at some point to be able to focus on my fiction writing, I have have been pondering to perhaps dabble in some non-fiction.

My thinking is to possible get set up and write some articles for one of the online sites. Examiner has been suggested to me. I have been checking into SEED.com which is owned by AOL. I've also consider possibly Associated Content and then I kinda get stuck. I don't want to tie myself to one source if I do this. I want to have options. So my question is to those of you that write...Which sites are you familiar with? Have you worked with? Pros/cons of the sites? What about print or e-zines, any that you would recommend as good starter places to look at?

I have some thoughts on what I might try to write about article-wise that I might want to offer a print or e-zine. I know with some of the places like SEED, you select a topic they offer and write on it. Now I know this isn't going to be a money maker, sell the farm and retire way to make money...but it will be something if I can get accepted and published. It would be a good way to fill in the gaps and make a few dollars while I try to secure a job. It's a thought. So any suggestions, advice, etc...would be welcomed and appreciated.

I would also prefer to use my maiden name instead of my married name. Is that even a possibility? I mean it is my name after all. I don't want to use my married name if I can avoid it that would be awesome. Or is possible to use a pen name for these things? Suggestions? Advice?

Oh and I leave in 19 days :D Had to throw that in there.

20 and counting!

SO! As of yesterday, I leave in OMG! 3 weeks!! I can't begin to express exactly how I feel because I feel like a bunch of different things at once. I'm sure I've said it here more than once the last couple of posts. I am happy, scared, excited, nervous.

Sad too, because I will miss my girls. I love them both so much. They are the only real good that came out of this. I need them to understand that I need to do this. I need to be happy. I need to be me. They both know I'm not happy here, and haven't been for quite sometime now. It's not because of them. It's because of "HIM", their dad. And I just can't live with him anymore.

Just a couple of weeks ago, he tried to 'talk me into' his idea to set appointments and give directions from home for a doctor friend. He hadn't even discussed it with the guy! He said it was because he wanted to see if I was interested first. I'm not interested in the idea and I really think it is better suited for someone that is actually familiar with a medical practice. But that's just my opinion. Now if he says I can still do it even if I'm 2200 miles away...I might reconsider it.

I'm trying this "roll and ziplock" pack method. I'm not really seeing a big difference in the bag before and after. I thought this might allot me a tad bit of room in the bag to maybe I don't know get one more ziplock in it perhaps. In someways I feel like I'm trying to take too much, thinking this or that can be replaced. But at the same time, I don't want to have to replace things unnecessarily. Some things I just don't want to leave behind. I would love to take all my writing magazines, but that's impossible. I've narrowed down the books I wanted for sure and have them packed. It seems like some of the other 'want to keeps' should go flat rate box. It appears it would be cheaper that way, than for the same size box to go regular mail cost almost twice as much.

I know I could leave some boxes and have them sent after I'm there. But I fully believe the Ogre wouldn't take the girls to the Post Office to mail them. Yes I could ask my friend to do it too I suppose. But the truth is, I don't want to trouble or burden anyone to get my shit to me. And I really hoped to take some of my yarns with me, since at 4.50-5.00 bucks a skein, I REALLY don't want to have to be replacing them. I'll figure it out. (hopefully:D)

I am planning to tell "HIM" next week before my oldest leaves for her week trip to Texas. I figured he'd be less likely to have too much of an outburst if they are both here. Not that it's stopped him before though. I'm hoping though that he will want to continue to 'look like the good guy' and not tell me to get out then and there. I'm also hoping that with him always saying behind my back that he knows I'm not happy and that if I am so unhappy I can leave and he wouldn't stop me...that he won't cause a scene either. Just please keep me in your thoughts as I head towards this moment of telling him. I'll need all the strength, love, and happy-good thoughts, vibes you all can send my way.

Update...24 days to go...

Okay so let's see...I finally once again managed to reach Miss Helpful. First it was court, then she lost her voice and was sick, then it was court again....Talked to her the other day, and tried to reach her yesterday as per her instructions and guess what....She's stuck in court...AGAIN! So I will try to get her sometime today, hopefully. Otherwise it's just more phone tag. And she is still working on finding me an attorney, so that's a plus.

I've decide I will be trying the roll and gallon zip lock bag method to pack. Now I know it won't change the weight of things, but it will allow for more room to fit the same amount of stuff in the same bag with some allowance for me to add to it if necessary. Got clarification on packing and shipping my computer too. Which will end up costing a bit less than I anticipated so that makes me VERY happy. And the extra I thought I was spending will go towards shipping out my books via media mail. YEAH! Still deciding if I want to ship my Harry Potters with me or leave them in my darling daughter's protective hands.

I think for the most part at this point is how to handle shipping my old photos that were my grandma's. I have 2 large 12x12 albums full of these old phones not to mention all the loose ones too. I have the albums in my carry on bag at the moment but man those suckers are heavy. So I thought maybe I would ship them. But I'm so afraid to do that as much as I am afraid to stick them in the checked bags. Some of those in there are the only copies I have and the pages are much too large to scan. But I need to figure something out.

The only real big decisions I have to make as far as my stuff goes is when I want to ship out my boxes. The PC will get shipped the day I leave most likely. And then it just comes down to the when and how to tell the Ogre. I pretty much know what I will tell him, but when and how...le sigh I dunno. Even Miss Helpful is unsure of how this will best be handled.

I will have the girls present (hopefully) when I do tell him. So if he doesn't want to look like a total douche and be a dick in front of the kids as well as piss them off for life...He won't tell me to leave then and there. Because to him, image is everything. And if he wants to look like the good guy, he won't tell me to leave until it's time (HOPEFULLY).

Packing...Is Hard!

I spent the better part of I guess it was Tuesday, going through my dresser and then yesterday going through my closet. Ended up with a trash bag and a half so far of clothes to donate. My dilemma? I still feel like I have too much. How? Why? Well...I filled up a duffel type bag and one fairly good sized piece of luggage and I still have to pack the clothes I left out to wear until then.

And I have barely any room to stick (shove) anything else into the bags. I had hoped to take a few skeins of my yarn with me. I boxed up all my ribbon that I had planned to make a handfasting cord with along with my smaller skeins to possibly ship ahead. I just can't do that with everything I can't fit or want, not at 10.95 per flat rate box.

I'm thinking I will have to unpack what I have, and re-evaluate it all and see if I can't narrow it down even more. Sad thing is...it doesn't even seem like all that much but it takes up room fast! Or maybe, I'm just not packing it properly. I've seen where instead of folding things to place in your luggage you fold then roll into a log, supposedly you can fit more that way.

I would love to be able to get another piece of decent size luggage to use instead of the duffel bag type one I have. But I don't see that as an option at the moment, not when I have to be extremely careful with the money I have left.

And then I'm still trying to figure out when and how to tell the Ogre. He's been a stewing these last few days. I feel like there's a storm coming with him. I also kind of feel like he knows something, but if he does...he isn't letting on. I found out the other night from my young one that even though he knows I'm not happy, he thinks I will come around and everything will be just dandy. Um...hmmm...let's see it's been over 3 years now....and uh...what part of not happening doesn't he get? I know I can't leave it till the last minute, well I can but that would only cause more problems I think. But I'm don't know how well telling him a week or two in advance will go either. No matter how you look at it, there is no easy way to figure it out.

Another Step

Trying to reach Miss Helpful can be frustrating since it's so hit and miss. I've yet to touch bases with her again. But it's just the nature of how things work with that. I'll get to talk to her eventually, and hopefully before I leave.

Which brings me to...I have my plane ticket. And I have a place to go to when I get there. So the count down to leaving officially begins today. I have about 36 days to figure out what I want to take with me, what can fit into 2 check in bags and a carry on. I can pack a 3rd bag if needed and if I want to spend $50 to do that.

I don't remember there being so many restrictions to traveling! I don't remember everything being a-la-cart either. I mean like I know they haven't served a meal on a flight in forever...the last meal I remember getting was probably in 94? When I flew back with my daughter after a visit to NY...I had so many bags and one was VERY LARGE and HEAVY!! I didn't have to pay extra. But it seems that is the norm now. Even when I flew to NY in 06 I didn't have to pay for checking in any bags.

So here I am, mental list ticking away...sifting through what is important, what I need, etc. Clothes of course top the list. My irreplaceable photo albums have to be with me too. Yes I could leave it with my girls but I dunno. I want to take some of my yarns and my paints too. My paints alone weigh 5 lbs!!! Sadly I can't take my large paper I don't think :( I've got the paintings I've done rolled up into 2 mailer tubes. I was thinking I might somehow send them ahead. Or I can leave them with my daughters.

How do I consolidate my life into 3 bags and a laptop case and one shipped computer? I don't even know if I would ever be able to even come get anything I do leave in the future. He may just end up tossing my things on spite for all I know.

Now I have to figure out when and how to tell the Ogre. I think this is the part that scares me most of all. I am not sure what I'll do if he tells me to get out right then and there. I hope to have most of my stuff packed and concealed before then. I suppose if I had to, I could go to the shelter (shutters) and have them pay for the ticket change if I had to leave sooner. But there I go over thinking again.

A Rough Day

It started fairly basic today. Nothing out of the ordinary, except I'm mysteriously out of printer ink. I don't think I printed that much stuff, but the well is dry and that is mildly frustrating.

I figured I'd make a copy of the bankruptcy discharge to have with me for later on. Well with no ink, I had to scan it instead. I went to move it from my scanned file to the documents file. And that's where I fell apart. I read some letters that my Beloved emailed to me a while back, and I haven't been able to stop crying.

I miss him terribly. My heart aches with the pain of how much I miss him. My eyes hurt from crying and having cramps from hell today isn't helping matters much either. Reading his words once again touched my heart so deeply. I just want us to be us again. We're happy together, we make each other happier than we've ever been apart, we're good together. We share many of the same ideals and even if there's things we don't see eye to eye on we can have a good debate over it and not fight over it.

What we have is so very rare, and it's good and pure, and true. We belong together. I truly believe that we are the kind of soulmates that find each other again and again in every lifetime, that the love that is shared guides us together every time. He said he felt the same way. I deserve to be loved by him and be happy with him, we deserve to be with each other. I just want to be with my Beloved.

Update on the advocate front: I spoke to her briefly yesterday. The one lawyer she was trying to get is booked for the next couple of months. So she is trying to get me another. I talked to her again about getting out to where my Beloved is, and she said once again that they can help me with that. Went so far as to tell me to not worry about how much it will cost because they will take care of it. This baffles me somewhat, as the other girl said it would depend on the month's budget of what they had to work with. I'm also unsure of how all this will work if they pay for me to get out there. I don't want trouble with the Ogre. There is no need for other agencies to get involved either. I don't know if they would, I'm just saying there isn't a need for it. Or if it would be best to just get the tickets on my own when the prices drop again. Hmmm, what to do...what to do.

I'm Packing!

I think I've finally realized that while I can work towards things like getting help from the advocate, unfortunately I'll probably be a pain in the ass since she's so hit and miss. I can't sit by and do nothing. I also need to make things happen. I realize there will NEVER really be a perfect time, a right time. So, I've been checking prices, laws for Idaho, etc. I found that I can fly out for just $20-$40 more than the bus ticket would be, depending on when I actually fly out. That part will depend on timing AND my friend helping me get to the Gold shop.

I will be shipping my PC and monitor. And will probably mail my art that I've worked on recently, and my paints, and maybe a couple of small boxes of books MAYBE. I can only take 2 bags for check-in, and 1 carry on not counting purse/laptop. So what ever I am taking needs to fit in those things and no more.

These last few days, I've started weeding through all the crap I've accumulated. Have shredded 5 trash bags worth of stuff and still going.

What I need to figure out is how far back on the taxes should I take copies of? I'm not on the house title, but am on the mortgage. And I'm joint on the car that will be paid off in less than a year. We have no joint cards together, and I'm not on any of the bank accounts. I've made copies of what I can so far. Pay stubs for the Ogre though I'll need more current ones soon, I have a copy of his last 401k statement.

The thing is I want nothing from this guy except my freedom. Part of me feels a bit selfish for wanting to be free, not selfish in regards to him though. But I guess that's normal. I stood outside earlier and looked around, and I thought...soon, I won't be seeing this anymore. I'm fairly sure I won't miss the neighborhood. I'm not close to any of my neighbors. It would probably be awhile before any of them even noticed I had left...if they notice or the girls or the Ogre tell someone.

I'm scared to be doing this...I mean moving 2200 miles is huge. I'm also excited at the same time. I feel like I'm really going to get to start my life, whether it be anew or start over. I've made my choices, the cards will fall where they will. I haven't told the Ogre yet, as I still need to pick a date and coordinate a couple more things. I don't know what will happen with me and my Beloved either. I am as always hopeful. We talk every day and I am grateful for that and cherish every second. And I will finally get to be around the people I call family. They are more like family to me than I have ever felt in my own blood family. I cannot wait to get out there. Soon can't come soon enough!

Still No Word

I've been playing a game of one sided phone tag since Friday with Ms. Helpful. She's been tied up with court everyday. And seems will be till at least Thursday. I will try on Friday, BUT...with it being Good Friday, I don't know if they will be in the office. AND the Ogre is home too! BLEH!!!

I'm going to keep pursuing this option for as long as I can. While I'm waiting to talk to her, I've been purging old shit from my possession that I don't need... How I keep so much shit, is beyond me! I mean old junk mail I never got around to tossing, old bills, just plain crap. The shredder hasn't seen this much of a work out since I moved Grandma down here in 2001! No joke, I overheat the sucker at least 3 times a day!

Another avenue I might consider is leaving and then filing from Idaho. I will need to call some legal services down there and inquire about that. GA law says I have to file where the Ogre resides. ID law says I have to file where I reside, and I have to live there minimum 6 weeks. I'd need to establish residency (somehow, somewhere).

I'm counting on that the Ogre doesn't and won't have money to file before I do. I'm hoping that we can do this all amicably. I don't know when to tell him and get him to accept that I want out. So many times, I've been so close to saying it. But I need to make sure I have my stuff together first. And deciding what to take isn't easy...it's not hard, but it's not easy.

When I was 16, I lost everything just about due to being evicted. So I tend to hold onto things, more than I should. But I can't take everything. I need to just take what's important. And maybe the stuff I can't take right now, I can have someone hold for me and ship later. Once I'm settled. I'd start sending stuff myself, but I think that would raise suspicion. So I better not. And then not knowing just how soon I will be getting out there....I've given myself a minimum/maximum time frame just to keep myself on track. If I stay with the it will happen whenever attitude, I will end up staying longer than I should. And that will wear me down even more. I have to make this happen, it won't just manifest by itself. It's scary but in a good kind of way (I think lol).

Back to Advocate #1

Since my last post, I've been in contact with the first advocate I spoke to on the phone. I tell you these two women are like night and day. She knew I was in the office and had spoken to the other girl. I told her I was more comfortable speaking/dealing with her rather than Miss Thing. I told her that she just sent me on my way with a list of numbers but I really was at a loss as to what I should do, what questions to ask, etc. Miss Helpful told me to call the Legal Services number on Tuesday and see what they could do for me and then get back to her after I called them.

Tuesday rolled around and well boy was I stunned yet again! I called the number, and got told flat out NO! The reason...It's not physical! OMG seriously? I'm like but I'm being abused emotionally and such. "Sorry Ma'am, if it's not physical we can't advise on it." So I go and call Miss Helpful and oh noes! She's out of town until Thursday. Oh for fuck sakes! really? I mean really?!

So here comes Thursday...and Yay! Miss Helpful is in the office. I told her I called the number and got told no they won't advise me. Hell they won't even hear what I have to say. She was surprised and was like so "he's gotta punch you in the face before they will help? That's not right!" I told her well at least you know they won't help any other type of victim of abuse. She then told me she was trying to find some one that would help me out and take my case. She just hasn't heard back yet. Miss Helpful said it's not going to be easy, but we will find someone. And that it shouldn't take forever to find a lawyer either.

I told her that I want to get out of the state as soon as I am able to. She said they can definitely help me with that. It's funny though, she's says they definitely can and Miss Thing says maybe, maybe not. It's like do they even work at the same office? Then I asked her about the whole abandonment thing. I think she made a quick phone call and said that while he can if he wants to be an ass, the problem comes in if he decides to file an abandonment warrant. Where he states that I left and I'm not supporting my child. Kind of hard to do with no income! BUT...it would cost him $200 to file it!

I'm hoping that when it comes down to it, we can be amicable about the whole thing. My youngest would be staying and that was his biggest issue, if I took the kids. Do I like it that she wants to stay? Fuck no, it hurts and makes me sad. But just because I will leave doesn't mean I stop being her mother. I will always be there for her and she would always have a home with me.

Tomorrow, I have to touch bases with Miss Helpful to see if she's heard anything from the people she's contacted. I'm trying to keep myself calm. Not get too excited or hopeful...not yet. One step at a time. I am going to start packing what I discretely can. Like my scrapbooks and pictures, genealogy binders, start sorting through my clothes again pack some that I plan to take that I don't really need to have out at the moment. That sort of thing. Also next week, hopefully I'll be getting together with my one and only friend here and she's going to take me to the gold shop so I can sell my gold.

It feels almost like I'm moving in the right direction(s) but in slow motion. Sometimes it even feels like things are just standing still. Once all is said and done with the advocates and such, I have the executive director's email. I will be informing her of what Miss Thing said and how she handled me.

I still don't know what will happen between me and my Beloved. I'm still fighting for us and trying not to push or rush things. I remain hopeful that we are finding our way back, and that we will be together. It's my love for him that keeps me going. That he is still in my life, and that we still talk everyday...just knowing he's there gives me strength and comfort. I just miss him/us very much and I love my Beloved with all my heart.

Disappointing Advocate

I went to see the advocate from the shelter today. Her official title is "Legal Advocate". I left her office feeling like a child told to sit at the table until she finished all her peas.

I felt no connection with this woman at all, other than I felt like she was judging me. She asked me what was going on, so I tried to explain to her. She was like no...I don't want to know about past stuff how about more recent. So I told her that...and she was all 'mmhmmm mmhmmm' 'yes what you are saying all constitutes abuse'. Then she says some thing like 'I'm not getting all "Oh my goodness" about it because I hear stories like this 10 times a day, you're not telling me anything new.' I asked well what are my options. I can't take it anymore, I have no support system here, no friends no family...I have no job, no money...I need help what can I do?

She said she can't advise me on things like that, she's only allowed to file Temporary Orders of Protection. I'm sorry you work at a crisis center and the only thing you can tell me is that if I need a TPO you can file it. She went on to tell me she only studied Criminal Law so she's not allowed to do anything else. She kept taking calls from another client while I was there, and to be honest I don't feel she handled that very well either.

In the end she handed me a sheet of paper with names and numbers to lawyers, Legal Services, Legal Aid, and a referral service that has a 30 minute free consult. And she told me IF I use it, I better have all my questions ready other wise I might end up wasting my 30 minutes on 2 questions. I asked her well what sort of questions should I ask...got the can't answer that reply.

She also gave me paper with the name and number to the psychologist they use. Then she says well you probably don't really need to call her, you already know it's abuse.

She told me I couldn't or shouldn't leave until I had a lawyer take my case and it was filed and only AFTER they tell me it's okay to leave the state so I can be near my support system. She said if I leave, the Ogre can cite abandonment, say I'm unfit, etc. And then she was like you really don't want those kinds of charges against you, do you? So I said but if I went to a shelter he can't do that, she was like yea true.

I kept trying to find out what my options were, short of going to the shelter. She didn't give me any. Just told me to call the numbers on the list. And when they say I can leave then come in or call and see if they can help me get out to my Beloved and his family. Then before she sends me on my way (because now she has to go meet a judge she says) she tells me "Well I don't know what your belief in god is. But have you consider that maybe he is testing you to see how strong your faith is? Everything happens for a reason, and maybe he is testing you to see if you will give up on yourself. And if you give up on yourself, then god will give up on you."

I was stunned. Lucky I'm not christian anymore. But holy shit if I was...I mean wtf?! How can you tell somebody their abuse is a test from god and basically saying suck it up. If you want out you're on your own I gave you lawyer numbers you do the rest. I left feeling like I kicked in the gut. I asked for help and got slapped in the face.

I will attempt to see the girl I originally spoke to on the phone next week. See if I can't get some better advice. If not, I don't know what to do next. My Beloved says we will get through this. To just forget about this chick, and pretend she didn't happen. To go back next week and see if Girl #1 can help me out.

It Is You, I Always Knew

I don't know how to say it the way I wish I could. My words seem to jumble up and tumble out in a mixed mess. But this I know my Beloved...

From that very first hello, I knew
How I would hold my breath and wait to see if you noticed me, I knew
From the first time we spoke, I knew
That first conversation, where you said I love you...I knew
When I tried to hold the words back that slipped so breathlessly from my lips, that I love you too, I knew
From the first time we saw each other, I knew

There is never a day that goes by since that very first one, that I ever doubted that I love you.
There is never a day that goes by since that I ever doubted your love for me.
There has not been a day since you left that I have not missed you to the point of aching.
I cannot look at the door without remembering when you strode through and bounded up the stairs to take me in your arms for the first time.
I cannot look at the spot we stood in without remembering your arms around me, how safe and loved I felt for the first time in my life. How truly happy I was just being with you.
Or the spot where you knelt down and put the ring you so lovingly picked out just for me and when you slipped on my finger and asked me to spend the rest of my life with you.
I cannot look at that same door without remembering how we cried when you left. And your promise that it would not be forever. That we would be together again, as soon as possible.

With every word, with every I love you, with every promise you made...I knew
I know you never lie to me, I know you are the one, My soul mate and love of my life.

I know that my heart aches for you, an ache that is beyond bearable.
I know that we are meant to be together, that we have a life to be shared that is meant just for the two of us to share. We have the kind of love that is rare, beautiful and true.
I know that we are forever, the forever kind of love, the kind of love that can see us through to the end of time. We have the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime. The kind that allows to us to find each other again and again in each life we live.

When you found me, I knew it was you...the one I'd wished for all my life.
If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that it's you, my Beloved...it's you, that I love and want to be with for the rest of my life no matter what it takes....it's you it's you it's you and this I knew then and still know now.
I always knew it was you since the day you found me.
I love you, with all that is in me, with my whole heart and soul, I love you S. With every breath, with every heart beat, I love you.

Struggle For Words

How do you dig so deep inside yourself to pour out the words to express how you feel? I try to piece the words into sentences in my mind, and for a brief moment they sound fine until I try to speak them. Then they sound pitiful, mixed up, and I am afraid sound so far from what I'm trying to say that I wonder if I really am being understood. Or what do you do when you have things you want to say, need to say, and you don't know how to say it? I am really struggling with this one. I don't want to hold back that's what got me to where we are at the moment. Holding back made such a mess of things and I'm done with all of that shit. I need to speak from my heart, but how to get the words from my heart out of my mouth.

I am trying to find a way to express myself to my Beloved. A way to pour out my heart and soul. To tell my Beloved how he makes me feel and what being with him means to me. But when I want to say something, I start to feel like I'm pushing. Or when I talk I start to cry. Expressing myself to my Beloved is very emotional for me and goes very deep.

When I am with my Beloved, I am happier than I have ever been. This is a happiness that is different than the happiness my girls (our girls as he thinks of them as his own) bring me. My beloved brings me happiness on a level that they never can. When I'm with him I feel lighter, freer, comfortable and at ease. I don't need to hide anything from him. I don't need to act a certain way or speak differently. My beloved makes me feel safe and loved.

I keep thinking about the first time I got to be in his arms. It is a feeling I want to last forever. Never in my life did I feel more safe and more loved and accepted, more special than I did when he put his arms around me. Just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. It's a feeling I want to last forever.

And the love...the love goes so deep and strikes to the core of my heart and soul. I feel so alone without him. There is no one and nothing that can fill the void that would be left if I lost him. To not have the love of my Beloved feels like I would only live a shell of a life that I would live with him. There would be an emptiness, a void that could be filled by no one or by nothing.

He is my soulmate. He is the love of my life. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He searched for me until he found me. And when he found me I knew I had been found by my soulmate. I never thought it was possible that we would find each other. All I want is for us to share the life we talked and dreamed about together. A life filled with happiness and love, a love that will grow deeper and deeper everyday. A love that lasts forever in this life and every life we share together.

The End of BIG - Week 1

I have to say I liked week 1 for the most part. The exercises I that I thought were going to be hard were easier and vice versa. I'm still learning how to really listen to what the painting wants. It's harder than you think. And Fear, boy that one shows up in all kinds of guises.

I found Wednesday to be my most difficult day. The feelings that started to come out after I made that call, were tearing me apart. The exercise I was working on that day was to paint shapes, any old shape I wanted. I was thinking okay circle, and even my oldest was like you should do circle. So on Tuesday night, well very early Wednesday morning before I went to bed I painted circles in black paint. Figuring I'll let it dry over night and add color later on.

After that call, something seemed to change, and I really hated what I had started. I was feeling angry, sad, lost, alone, confused. I chose colors outside my 'normal' ones and I thought I'll try to paint out the feelings through the colors. But it wasn't working. Every stroke I hated it more, I didn't listen to the painting or my feelings. I even wanted to tear it down and destroy it. I should have attacked the painting with the emotions I was feeling, should have picked colors to match. But this process is all so new to me.

Part of me wants to go back to that painting and give it the ass kicking it deserved that day. Part of me wants to attack a whole blank page. I also have one more exercise to do. I could incorporate my feelings into that, but it all depends on what the paper and paint tell me to do. I need to learn to listen and respond to what it's telling me, to learn to listen and respond to my feelings versus react to them.

At the same time, I am also learning how to feel instead of block out, detach or suppress. I don't want to feel numb or shut down or push the people I love away any more.