Thursday, February 25, 2010

What does this dream mean?

Okay so I had this really oddly weird dream last night. I can't remember all of the details, some of them are quite fuzzy. But what I do remember is this:

My beloved and I were standing outside of a closed door with a gold door knob to a house. I was hold a vented bag that contained what was about 1 foot high domed-beehive made of twigs with seemingly a couple hundred little honeybees. I wanted to find a place to set the hive down so the bees could thrive. At first, I set it down in front of the door and said no this wouldn't be good because no one could go in or out and the bees would get in the house. So my beloved said let's put it in the yard. So I picked it up and carried it to the backyard. I set it down in one place and when I walked away the hive started to collapse and deteriorate, so I picked it back up and placed it somewhere else. The same thing happened again, so I picked up and moved it again...this happened several times. On one move some peaches fell out of it. They were very ripe and smelled very very sweet. We picked up as many as we could and some split open and had no pits inside. I remember saying something about that being weird. And then said we should maybe feed them to the animals. In a corner of the yard was a small fenced area that held a cow and some chickens. (the rest of the yard was unfenced.)

In a spot of the otherwise grassy yard was a square patch of dirt that I'd say was about 5'x5' that had a tan colored boar playing on it. It never ventured off this patch of dirt, just kept running around and playing by itself. I then looked across the way and saw on the neighboring yard a young pig tied to a dog run that was going absolutely nuts and was thrashing and pulling at the line trying to break free and get the boar. I said something like we should move the boar in with the other animals and went to do that. The pig got angrier. Then I looked back at the beehive again and it was falling apart again, the last thing I remember was picking it up to move it yet again.

I have no idea what any of this means. And maybe it means nothing at all. But I did go to bed very upset last night. You see, "HE" fucked up yet again. We have a lot of bills due this week and I've been running numbers in my head since last week trying to figure how we'd cover it all and if we had enough. Because "Dipshit" in his infinite wisdom bought our eldest a laptop. And for weeks while we'd been waiting for the flex plan check to come in I thought he was putting money aside for it from some of the side jobs he's done to buy it. BUT OH NO! NOT "HIM! NO... he used bill money to pay for the balance of the laptop. With apparently no consideration what so ever to whether we'd have enough to pay all those bills or buy food.

I told "HIM" I had to pay our electric and "HE" did the breakdown on what other bills were due and said oh we'll be okay we have 60 bucks left over. Well I double checked "HIS" numbers and found "HE" screwed up and we're 70 bucks in the hole. And "HE'S" all ladi-da about it. Like its no big deal. And I'm sitting here going what the fuck are we supposed to do. I can't even buy the milk, bread, butter and eggs we are out of because there's nothing to buy it with. And "HE" acts like it's no big deal!

Seriously...I can't keep living like this. I have to find a way out for me and my girls and soon. This is all too much already. I can't take it anymore. I can't sleep, I can't eat, my stomach hurts all the time, I'm having chest pains which I get from anxiety attacks that I haven't had in a very long time. I just don't know what to do.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Wishcast Wednesday- Permission

Wow...I can't believe I'm actually doing a wishcast on it's appropriate day...usually I forget or do them very late and end up posting on a Thursday or Friday. But here I am on a Wednesday...YAY! Anyway, Jamie's prompt this week is "What do you wish to give yourself permission for?"

I like many others I'm sure have a hard time giving myself permission for anything. Whether it's to buy something, do something, even learn something new. I'm always afraid of being judged negatively or worse deviating from one's perception of who I'm supposed to be. I've live all my life in fear of letting others down because I wasn't who they wanted me to be or doing what they wanted me to do. Now I'm at a point in my life where I don't even know who I even am anymore.

I like Gothic things (clothes and jewelry I'd go nuts if I actually allowed myself to buy things in Hot Topic), I love to wear black and dark colored clothes, I want to learn about the path of a solitary witch and/or path of a druid or both even just to learn and find my way, I want to hang my bird feeders out without being scolded that they drop seeds that sprout flowers, I want to plant the flowers and herbs and veggies that I want...I could go on and on and on.

So I, Ellie, give my self permission to:
1. Find myself and be who I AM without guilt or fear.
2. To wear the things I like sometimes even if I'm 40 and a mom of 2 teen girls.
3. To learn the things I want to learn and let myself explore and find my way.
4. To be able to speak and be heard, not ignored or ridiculed for my thoughts opinions or beliefs.

I could probably add a bunch more, but I will save that for another day.

Bright Blessings,

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Happy birthday My Love!

Today is my beloved's birthday....and I just wanted to say happy birthday. You've made my days brighter in the year we've been together, even on the gloomiest of days you've been there to guide me through them.

My wish for you is that all you that you could ever want or need or dream comes true. My wish for you is to be happy always. Happy birthday my sweet poet and I love you.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Jamie Oliver and Teaching Our Kids About Food

The more I delve into my passion to change things of how and what we eat, learning my herbal lessons, learning about herbs in general, the more I find things like articles or other people on the same or similar wave of thought. Things have been popping up at me on my little bunny trails left and right about GMOs and how dangerous they are and how they are hidden in our foods, or just on living more organically, or supporting our local farmers instead of the big farmers that use pesticides on their crops...just to name a few.

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew school food wasn't the healthiest by any means. Jamie Oliver has a show coming up at the end of March I believe about his visit to Huntington, WV which was named the unhealthiest city in America. He won a TED award for this... (Congrats Jamie!) Watch here for his moving presentation and reflections on what he found in Huntington.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Random Ponderings of Late

When I started this blog about a year ago, I had intended it to be about my journey through writing a book, my dream novel. The Forgotten Muse as this blog is titled was I thought at the time, just that...that I had forgotten about my Muse through a series of tragedy and life events. But lately, I've been thinking about that and I realize that I've never really forgotten my Muse. She's been right beside me the entire time, she's just been silent allowing me to go through the rough times that seem to have plagued me for the last 3 years.

I've realized it's not my Muse that's been forgotten at all. It's me... I'm the forgotten muse. I've forgotten who I was, who I am, who I want to be. I've let people and circumstances dictate those things to me. I've only been what or who everyone else has wanted me to be to make them happy. First it was to please my mother, then it was to please what ever man was in my life taking advantage and abusing me, then it was for "HIM", and even at times for my beloved Grandma. Because I didn't want to disappoint her, I tried to be how she wanted me to be. With "HIM" it's always been to keep the peace, to make him happy, because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Never once realizing that with "HIM" it was emotional and psychological abuse, that "HE" was controlling me.

So this blog will probably focus more on me and my journey to find out who I am rather than on writing which it hasn't been about writing for a while now anyway. I will include things about my writing when it comes up, but this is about me know. My search for my inner muse, for who I am inside, my journey to become the person I've always wanted to be...who I was meant to be.

Like I've been wanting to learn about Holistic healing, herbalism, aromatherapy, organic living for quite some time now. But because of "HIM" I've always had to bury my desires. Well not anymore! I'm taking a class on medical herbalism right now via correspondence. I am slowly making changes to eat more organic food, cutting out the soda (though I will admit Heritage Dr Pepper is my weakness!), trying to avoid foods with GMO's.

I also feel like I need to take finding my path more seriously as well. I like to think of myself as pagan, I'm quite eclectic I think. I'm drawn to Bast, but also drawn to the Celtic ways and pantheon. I'm also finding myself drawn to learning the ways of a Druid. Even though I have no known ties to being Celtic or a Druid. But oddly enough, while I've been secretly dwelling on these things, my beloved said to me last night as we were talking that if he didn't know better, he would believe I was a Druid in a past life. Some days, I feel like that too. I wish I could know for sure. I wish I could know why I'm so strongly drawn to the Celtic Path and to the Druids.

But anyway, I hope I don't disappoint anyone in that I am shifting the perspective of the blog from my writing journey to my life journey.

Bright Blessings,

Let It Snow!'s snowing here in Georgia. This is what it looked like just 3 hours after the snow started to fall in big ole chunky about the size of a quarter flakes. The above picture is my herb garden box covered in snow.
This picture here is of some of the young pine trees in my backyard. This is like the first real significant snow fall I've seen in years. It all looks so pretty but it's just so cold. I like to look at the snow in all its wintery glory, but that's about it.
They said we could get 1" to 3" but from the looks of the way its been coming down, I'm going to venture a guess that we'll get a bit more than that. If it continues like it has been I'd bet we could see up to 6 inches!

It's definitely a cozy up with a mug of hot tea or hot cocoa kind of day.