Thursday, November 26, 2009

After the Turkey...Sorta

You know, I really dreaded this day and for good reason. Spending it with "HIM" and his sister is just...UGH! If it weren't for my girls I think I'd have gone nuts.

To start, "SHE" comes waltzing in like a prima donna as usually is the case with her. Que fake air kiss and fake sentiments. "SHE" was cold to me and my girls right after she walked in the door. My oldest said she could feel the icicles forming. Of course, "HE" wasn't here at that particular moment so he didn't see the performance "SHE" put on. Not that it would have mattered if "HE" did.

Then we have the forced family photo with poor little Tom Turkey. I tried my best to avoid standing too close to "HIM". But "HE" wasn't having it. On the second photo, "HE" deliberately moved my youngest over so that "HE" could be close to me and try to put an arm around me. I tried to pull away some, and "HE" scolded me like I was a 5 year old.

I have a pretty good relationship with my kids. We homeschool, so we spend a lot of time together. And even if they were in public school, I'd still be home waiting for them after school. Well we tend to cut up a bit quite often, we have fun together. We enjoy goofing off, ya know. Well we were having a bit of a silly moment as we were serving ourselves some of the trimmings of dinner. And "SHE" proceeded to say how my girls and I spend entirely too much time together. EXCUSE ME?!?!? Spend too much time with my kids? Is that wrong? Is it a crime? Am I supposed to push them off on other people to take care so I don't have to deal with them? Oh wait, heh, that's what "SHE" did with her son when he was growing up. I can't tell you how many weekends this kid spent with us growing up because "SHE" needed space. And if the kid wasn't with us, he was with "HER" cousin. And she wonders why he moved out of state and refuses to move his wife and child back here to live with her.

Then "SHE" kept saying my girls have no concept of etiquette. And how schools are starting to implement lessons in etiquette because kids today have no concept of it or some shit like that. And how "SHE" could give them a good lesson in how to behave properly. I'm sorry but I don't believe I asked you. And if I don't or didn't have a problem with their behavior what place is it of "HERS". I mean they weren't doing anything wrong, they were talking to each other and giggling. We were at home, no strangers per say. And for the record, when we are out to eat in public, they are quiet 99% of the time. Unless it's a noisy place to begin with, LOL.

Oh, yea...and then there was "THE BLESSING!" We stopped saying grace at the table along time ago. Probably some where around the time we stopped going to church for the hundredth time? LOL! Any, "HE" made a big show of say grace probably for "HER" benefit but still...and all my youngest could do was giggle through it all. Which "HE" scolded her for by the way. I was secretly cheering her on to be honest. LOL I couldn't help it.

Then on to the meal, and more of "HER" complaining about the girls etiquette or in "HER" opinion lack there of. So as part of a conversation, "HE" brings up about the Macy's parade in NYC. Earlier in the day, "HE" asked me for the 20th year in a row if I had ever attended as a kid or while I was living in NY. And for the 20th year in a row, my response was the same as it's always been "NO" followed by the same explanation of why I didn't ever go. And for 20 years "HE" had always said "HE" never attended either...until today. "HE" asked his sister if she'd ever gone, and "HER" reply was no and "HE" was like "Yea she never went either. But you know, I did one year back when I had a Macy's card." I just sat there and was like WTF? All these years you tell me you never went and now all of a sudden you did once! Just another lie to add to the list, and makes me wonder just how many more there are that I don't know.

After I finished eating, I just couldn't take it anymore listening to those two. So I finally left the room, went back to my room and that's where I've stayed pretty much for the last few hours. I can't wait till this day is finally over and "SHE" goes home. But they're having one of their heavy holy roller bible discussions and how certain people are where they are in their lives today solely because of them. Then I still have to deal with "HIM" 3 more days! UGH...Is it Monday yet??

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving. Sometimes I wonder what it is
we are truly celebrating. Do we really need to set aside an "official" day to be
thankful for what we have and those we love? Shouldn't that be an every day

It's a sad day for me. It doesn't feel like the same day any more. I used to
enjoy cooking the turkey and all the trimmings. But three years ago, on
Thanksgiving Day my grandma passed away just ten minutes or so after I left
the room to check on the stupid turkey. I should have stayed with her, not
checked on the dumb bird. There were other people in the kitchen that could
have tended to such a trivial matter.

I try to see the positive in this. But other than she is no longer in pain and
hopefully at peace... I don't see anything positive. If I could, I would just
stay in bed all day and pretend this day doesn't exist in my world anymore.
And to make matters worse, I have to spend tomorrow/later with "HIM" and his
"holy roller" sister. I'm so not looking forward to this at all.

I wish I was spending it with my beloved and his family so bad. They even
asked if I was coming. How I wish it was possible. To maybe finally feel
like I am a part of a family, a part of somewhere I truly belong.

But regardless of how I feel, I want to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving.
May your day be safe, and filled with happiness, good food and loved ones.

Blessed Be!

Wishcast Wednesday - Steps

Today Jamie asked us "What step do you wish to take?"

It's another one of the those that is making me go "HMMMMM?!"

I have so many things I want to do, need to do. I don't know where
to start sometimes, most times, all the time. Things just seem so
complicated all the time and I don't see them getting less complicated
anytime soon.

I wish to take a firm step towards my writing. That no matter what, I
need to write something even if it's just a little bit everyday.

I wish to take a step towards clearing out the clutter in my life. I'm such a
pack rat, and when my beloved and I get to be together I don't want to be
dragging all this unnecessary stuff with me. In essence it will be a step
towards letting go of the past as well.

I wish to take a step towards creativity. I enjoy arts and crafts, I enjoy
crocheting. I wish to be able to work on some projects and complete what
I start. And maybe possibly sell them online in the future.

I wish to take a step toward embracing the Goddess and my path what ever
that may be.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wishcast Wednesday-Embrace

Today's Wishcast by Jamie Ridler is "What do you wish to embrace?"

Looking at this question, my first response was..."I don't know."
Then I started to think about it. And I am finding that I have more than one
thing I wish to embrace.

1) My true self. The person that I buried deep inside, that I hid away from
all the pain and hurt.
2) My muse. I want to embrace her, to write again.
3) My passion. I want to embrace my passion for writing along with my muse
so that I can write again. (yes I realize I just repeated that I want to write again. :D)
4) My path, where ever the Goddess may lead me. At times I feel eclectic, and at other times drawn to a Celtic path.
5) To embrace the love my beloved has for me. To accept it, welcome it, and let myself be loved and be happy.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Dreams...or Nightmares

I'm not one to interpret dreams. I don't even know how. I mean aside from googling dream dictionary sites and then there are soooooo many different interpretations.

Most times, I don't really remember my dreams. Even if I do, it's so vague and doesn't make sense that I usually forget it soon after I wake up. But this one, I can't shake it. It was so vivid, so real, it terrified me.

In my dream, I was asleep in my room. And then "HE" came in acting like "he" was going to look out the window but instead climbed into the bed. I was tangled in the blankets and "he" held me in a kind of bear hug so that I couldn't move. In the dream I kept trying to scream, to yell at "him" to let me go. But my throat was tight and I couldn't do get the words out. In the dream the harder I struggled the tighter "he" held on, grinding against me through the blankets saying "you're still my wife". I kept struggling, kept trying to say something. Then finally my throat opened up and I was able to scream "Get off me and let me go!"

I screamed it so loud in my dream, that I actually said it out loud and woke myself up. I jumped up, just hearing the end of what I said out loud, and I was gasping for breath. "HE" wasn't home. But it was so damn real. I could almost still feel where "he" was holding on time and grinding against me.

I don't know what this all means, if it means anything at all. Or if it's just the stress of the last few days, weeks, months...years. My want/need to get out of this marriage, to leave "him". I just don't know. I do know that the dream scared the shit out of me though and I haven't been sleeping very well since.

Anyone have any ideas if this has any meaning, or is it just stress?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Random Thoughts, Sorta

I've been reading the responses to my posts on writing things that will end up getting really emotional. And I want to thank you all for your support and encouragement. It just kind of scares me to sit and think about things, especially the things I tried and keep trying so hard to forget.

I haven't been able to write anything these last few days, not even stuff about me which should be somewhat easy. The last few days have been stressful, trying, and just plain frustrating. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I had a splitting headache that even an Advil just wasn't going to fix.

As some of you may have read in my previous posts, "Him" and I have been separated for almost 2 years. Though due to circumstances, I've had to remain living under the same roof with "Him". I have no friends down here, no family, no job (and I have tried many times in the last 2 years to get a job with no luck at all). Heck, my family doesn't even know of my circumstances. And if they did, they wouldn't help. He's manipulative, emotionally abusive, perhaps even mentally abusive.

Well, now we are facing bankruptcy. We went to see an attorney about it back in January. She gave "Him" a list of things "HE" had to do. One of which was IF "HE" wanted to keep the house and reaffirm it, "HE" had to negotiate with the mortgage company to do so. We are currently a month and half behind on regular payments and in the midst of a 6 month hardship program. And what pray tell did "He" do in all this time? NOTHING! Now, I've got judgements coming in against me, "HE" still wasn't motivated. But now that he's got some starting to come in on "HIM"...You know the friendly knock at the door that you're being served by a creditor. Now "HE'S" motivated. Now "HE" wants to try to work on reworking the mortgage. Which I'm not even supposed to be on! Because I'm not on the title to the house! Which I specifically questioned when "HE" applied for this refinance back in '03! That the company put me on even though I DO NOT own the house. They baited "Him" and "He" took it, hook and all. And IF "He" doesn't do something to make sure the house is secure, and we file the bankruptcy, we could lose the house. Which means me and my girls will have no place to go.

And when the lawyer was stressing how important it is that "He" get this house thing taken care of like NOW! "He" was like yea okay, I'll work on it this weekend and if I can't reach anyone then I'll do it Monday. And if they won't work with us, then we'll just find a new place to live. I don't think "He" really gets it. "He" seriously thinks someone is just going to be like okay so yea your credit is shit, you got foreclosed, and you're in bankruptcy...sure you can rent from us.'s not gonna be that simple.

I just don't know what to do. And the kicker in all this as "He" was attempting to fill out an application with an organization that helps you save your home from foreclosure, is that "He" tried to blame me for this fuck up in a way. "HE" went to this company. "HE" applied. "HE" had them add me. "HE" only said I'm going to ask them about an addition to my line of credit and two weeks later they're talking about refinancing and consolidating and "HE" adds me into this and now I'm stuck on it. When I questioned things, what I thought were red flags, "HE" dismissed me as "HE" always does. So here we are 7 years later and it's all a fucking mess.

I don't even know if I'm making any sense. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I maxed out all my credit cards to keep things like the basics on, to keep insurances going, to buy groceries. All "HE" ever did was make empty promises. And now I'm facing bankruptcy and possibly not having a place to live. And to make things even worse..."HE's" been walking around the last few days all happy go lucky, humming and smiling like "HE" doesn't have a care in the world. Twenty years I've lived with and been married to this man, and for a good number of them "He's" belittled me, blamed me, took away my independence, alienated me from everyone and everything I've ever known, made me to feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm stupid, worthless...And then tells me things like I'm doing that to myself, that I'm making myself feel that way not "Him".

And I wonder why my Muse is so silent. I can't think, I can't focus, I can't breathe. If the house is lost, I don't know what I'll do or where I'll go. This is not what I wanted for my girls. This is not how I wanted my life or their life to be.

Sorry my dear readers for the wall of venting. I thank you all for just letting me vent. I thank you all for the words you've left in response to my other posts. You all while are strangers in cyberspace, are very much appreciated by this lost wandering soul.

Bright Blessings to you all

Saturday, November 7, 2009

NaNo Update Part 2

Okay well the jury is still out on the story about me, but I've been giving it a whirl. I managed to write 1,170 words today on it so far.

My biggest fear I think is that I'm going to get to a point doing this that it might get too emotional for me.

NaNo update

After six days of NaNo, I'm no closer to 50k then I was a couple days ago. I'm still sitting at 577 words. I did happen have some insight into my character though, so maybe that's a good thing. But I'm no where near a part to even start to work that in yet.

But I got to thinking the last couple days, after Wendy suggested that maybe I right about "Him" and stuff. I don't know that I necessarily what to do that exclusively, but maybe a tale of my life from when I was born until now. I mean I don't think it would be anything I'd want published, mostly because I don't see my life as significant and who'd what to read my rubbish any way? :D

Heck after 40 years, I don't even know if I have 50,000 words to write about myself LOL. But, we'll see. It's worth a shot. And if not, I can and will continue to attempt the story I started for NaNo.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

NaNo Update of Sorts

Well, NaNo is proving a lot tougher than I ever thought this year. My new idea is just not getting very far. I'm trying, I really am. But after 4 days I'm still only at 577 words total. Today is day 5 and I've still got nothing. Just a total blank. And of the words I do have, I feel like it's just total crap. I'm even trying a new software called Liquid Story Binder XE, thinking it might help. OMG, this thing has so many features I don't even know where to start.

I'm at a point where I'm seriously thinking about becoming a "rebel". What's a rebel? Well, it's defined as someone who doesn't follow the norm of the NaNo guidelines. In my case, I'm considering ripping apart my previous WiP and rewriting it or, just hell in true Rebel spirit just leave what I have already which is just over 4k words and continue IF I can from there.

But with my muse as silent as she is, I don't know if I can accomplish either. I've got so much stress going on at the moment due to the "HIM" in my life. There were things he was supposed to do MONTHS AGO...and he didn't do them. Now shit's coming to a head and he's blaming me for it. If he did what he was supposed to do when he was told to do it some of these problems that have arisen wouldn't be happening. And NOW...even better...he thinks because he is now taking action, that once the dust settles things with us will be hunky dory and go back to what he considers normal.

I can't seem to get through to this man that I'm not in love with him anymore. That I do not wish to be married to him anymore. I know that it doesn't help that I have to live in the same house but for fuck's sakes get a damn clue. I mean hell we've been separated for 2 years! Yes, 2 years of not sharing a bed or anything of that nature. I have a room of my own which I try to make my sanctuary of sorts, but that's not easy to do.

And then, on top of all that, the holidays are approaching and I don't know how I am going to give the girls a good Christmas. And then, I miss my beloved so much. I hate that he is so far away. The days we spent together I felt safe and loved for the first time in a very long time. Not even "HE" made me feel safe in 20 years of marriage.

So, with all this stress going on, my muse seems to have grown even more silent than ever and I am afraid I'll not get anywhere with my writing ever or with my attempt at NaNo.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I miss you

Today would have been my Babci's (Polish for grandma) 89th birthday. In a couple of weeks it will be 3 years since she has passed on. I miss her terribly. She was strong and courageous, giving, loving, and extremely stubborn (it's hereditary lol).

I know she's in a better place without illness or pain. But it doesn't make the hurt of her not being her any less. She was my rock, my confidant, my go to person, my cheerleader.

She practically raised me from when I was just a baby. At three weeks old my parents decided they were going away to see family for a few days. Rather than take their newborn with them to show off to family, they left me behind with my Babci. From then on, I had spent a lot of time with her and my grandpa. I remember well the many nights I'd cry to stay over just to be where there was no fighting, no drunken arguments, just love unconditional.

She was always there for me, no matter what. So on this "Day of the Dead", despite that I have many loved ones that have passed on...I am remembering her most today. Not just because it's her birthday.

I love you Babci, and I miss you terribly. Thank you for everything you did for me, and for the girls.