Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Blessed Samhain/Happy Halloween!

One of my favorite days of the year!  It's like having your birthday around Christmas time for me, since my birthday was only a couple of days ago.  I mean who wouldn't love to have a their birthday and get presents and then have Halloween and get lots of candy?!?!  I always loved it!  And when you get a bag of one of your favorite candies on your birthday it's even better right?

I probably won't be doing any sort of ritual tonight.  Mainly because I just don't feel comfortable with them.  Maybe it's that I don't feel learned enough, maybe it's because I feel awkward and clumsy when I do try a ritual...I don't know.  I have always felt better when I did it in my mind.  Talk to the God/dess in my mind, instead of out loud.  I just feel more comfortable that way.  It also makes it less like to be overheard and makes it more personal for me if/when I do something like that.

I do plan to do at least 3 card Tarot reading later.  I haven't touched my cards in at least a year or a little over.  This is a Pagan/Witch's New Year's Eve.  I want to start really focusing on my heart's desires to create more and consistently.  Tomorrow NaNoWriMo starts, and I'd really like to make a good effort with it.  I know I said earlier in the year how I wanted to be consistent in my art, and I started pretty good for the first few weeks and then...I don't know what happened.  I got in that rut where I think/feel like I'm creating crap and then I can't seem to do anything.  I want it to change. 

So maybe tonight I will spend a few moments alone, light a candle, commune with some creative Goddesses and make those changes in my creative life that I've been longing to make.

I wish you all a safe and blessed Samhain.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Day After Sandy

Well, it's post birthday even though my Grandma used to say it was your birthday all week :D  And I don't feel any older LOL.  The day after my birthday Sandy hit my hometown and surrounding areas.  I sat pretty much glued to my computer watching for any updates from friends, family, or anyone else posting news or pictures. 

My heart ached to see my hometown flooding even though it wasn't anywhere near the devastation other places experienced.  The parks had downed trees, one park had that has softball and soccer fields had their stadium pole lights come down.  There was a downed power line around the corner from where I grew up.  Over all it seems like damage to my old neighborhood was minimal. 

But seeing homes that were destroyed by fire or waves elsewhere is just heartbreaking.  Several people I know are expecting to be without power for the next 7-10 days!  Looting has begun occurring in some areas, Coney Island was mentioned.  It's sad that in a time of such devastation people become stupid and opportunistic and try to rob homes and businesses.  Isn't it enough that they have suffered a loss, why do idiots have to compound the situation?

I also learned that my loved one was released home from the hospital where they had been to have their stent replaced.  Since they weren't critical, they were sent home.  I am both relieved and worried at the same time. 

I hope those of you in Sandy's wake fared well, the same for any friends and family you may have in her path. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Feeling Helpless

First you don't get a post in 3 months, now you get 3 in a row.

I hate feeling helpless.  I don't like not being able to fix something or help or just offer a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen.   CANCER SUCKS!  And when a loved one is battling it, it's rough.  Being so far away, I feel disconnected.   Out of the loop.  Everytime I hear nothing, I think oh things are going good.  Then I find out they have been in and out of the hospital for months.  They are back in right now being treated for an E-coli infection.  Once that is cleared up, they have to switch hospitals and have their stent changed.  I don't understand any of what's going on.  I don't understand how E-coli is common in cancer patients.  I feel helpless because I am not there and can't do anything to help.

I haven't emailed my loved one, the care giver in this as I don't know what to say.  It all seems so cliche and I don't want to say things that everyone normally says in situations like this. 

I don't know what stage they are in, I don't know what the prognosis is.  I really don't know anything except what kind it is.  I don't know if they are getting the best care and treatment options available or not.  I would assume they are, I hope they are.

It sucks they should be enjoying their life, not fighting for it.  I hope they go into remission and stay there.  I hope they can heal and enjoy life. 

Please send strength and healing to my family. 

Sunday, October 21, 2012

10 Days Until Madness Begins

Madness being NaNoWriMo.  It will be my 7th year trying.  Will this year be any different?  I don't know. 
I was on the fence about I or don't I?  The next thing I know, I find myself changing my facebook cover photo and profile picture to reflect NaNo; making a new song list; thinking about my options for what to write.  Do I go back and once again try to work on my original NaNo story?  Do I work on one of the ideas that I've been scribbling about here and there as they pop into my head?  OR Do I try to create something totally fresh and new?  Which of course I have no clue what I would do, LOL.

I'd like to do some planning, but I'm really not a planner/outliner type person.  I know everyone has their own methods that work for them.  My first character, I didn't build her or plan her she was just there.  The only thing she really lacks is a name.  I've never been quite happy with her name, something about it just doesn't fit right and I haven't found something that does yet.  I have tried the planning of characters part, but then I just seem to get hung up on details or try to force things and then they just go away.  I need to work on my relationship with them, don't ya think?  I sometimes think I just try too hard!

Either way, I usually end up getting frustrated or sidetracked.  Then I end up falling behind.  Eventually I realize I won't catch up and then I end up give up on the project.  I want it to be different this time.  Part of me is thinking that maybe, instead of focusing on word count that I should focus on just getting stuff written.  No matter how much or how little.  But just get it written.  If I can do that the entire month I'd call it a win even if it isn't 50,000 words.  At least I can say wrote the entire month, so what if it might only be 300 or 500 words a day.

If only some how I can turn my traumas and past into a story of survival.  But when you're mind set is elves, faeries and do you spin it?

Pet Peeves and Old Wounds

Damn it!  3 months since I lasted posted, I didn't intend for it to be that long.  I just kept feeling like what I wanted to write just wasn't important.  Yes, yes have been having a minor pity party.  Not really sure why, maybe just frustration with myself.  Frustrated at not being able to connect with my Muse, trying to force it and getting no where.

Anywho...Pet Peeves!  My dear friend Wylde Sage (with or with out the "e", I can't remember lol sorry) she touched on this a few weeks ago about her own.  And I had to agree on many if not all of them.  This week seems to be my turn to vent over my own.  I think one in particular has been brewing for quite awhile now.

#1 - People who claim to always be broke, short on cash, funds are tight, w/e and then no sooner they say that they have something new, are going out to eat, to a show/concert/play/movie, or even traveling.  Please just stop the bull shit.  I rarely talk about finances with anyone.  If by chance the topic some how comes up in a random conversation, and I say that money is tight, for me it's the truth.  And I'm not looking for a fucking hand out.  But don't say it back to me or in general and go and spend money like you just busted open the piggy bank, all it does is make you look shitty.  Too many times lately I've been told or heard some one say money is so tight for them and literally turn around and go buy or do something that isn't a necessity.

#2 - People who start a conversation (email or private messaging) and you send them a reply expecting an answer and you get nothing.  Or better yet, starting the initial conversation to get information and then ignoring anything else I might have to say.  Especially if you call yourself a friend! 

#3 - People who use others for information or personal gain, take credit for someone else's work/idea/etc, suck people drain of their energy/emotions/kindness.  Grow the fuck up!  Stop using people!  Stop treating people like they owe you something! 

There's more, but I think that's good enough for now.  1 and 2 are the ones that are REALLY bugging me right now.

OLD WOUNDS!  Ouch!  The kind that make me look over my shoulder, sensitive to certain smells and sounds, give me bad dreams.  Yesterday, I got a PM from a gal I went to school with.  She was the kind of person that was my friend one second and giving me the silent treatment the next always leaving me going "what just happened?"  Well she asks me about a person we both knew, a person I dated.  A person who abused me, assaulted me, and made me lose everything I had leaving me homeless at 16.  She wanted to know if I know where he is or if I've heard from him.  An organization we all used to belong to is planning a reunion and someone asked about him.  Why ask me?  I don't know.  I told her that I haven't seen or heard from him in over 20 years and hope I never do.  Her answer: okay thanks just wondering.   ...WHAT? 
Some friend!  Not an I'm sorry, nothing!
I know I'm thousands of miles away, and the likelihood of seeing him is slim to none.  But it woke something in me that I worked very hard to get over.  Now I find myself jumping at certain sounds that remind me of my time with him.  I find myself smelling the air more often as he had a distinctive smell that you could sometimes smell before you actually saw him.  I'm just so unsettled right now!
Then I took a look at the group's FB page and saw that someone implied he died.  I tried to look it up immediately, I also tried searching various inmate lookups in hopes that he was incarcerated.  But I had no luck on either front.  Part of me wanted to message the girl who had asked about me in the group, but I can't bring myself to do it.  Many of the people in that group turned their backs on me and treated me like I was unfit to breathe the same air as them.  One gal said on there she remembers him but has no idea who I am, and I even lived across the street from her for a time!  GEEZ! Am I that forgettable?  Am I so insignificant that you can act like I never existed?  I remember almost each and everyone one of them, especially the ones I saw on almost a daily basis.
I am back to feeling like I need some sort of piece of mind that he will not hurt me again.  And I don't know how to get that.  I don't like how such simple little words turned me upside down and have me feeling on edge.  I also feel like some of these emotions of feeling insignificant go deeper and further than just this group of old acquaintances.  It's also leaving me feeling like I need to seek approval from others again, to feel like I'm accepted, to feel like I matter.
This as all left me feeling very small and vulnerable, hurt and scared.  And I don't like it!