Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I feel so guilty, or maybe it's helpless

Last Thursday, the 25th, my little one turned 14. Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday I was sitting in the rocking chair nursing her as she stared up at me with her big blue eyes. I remember feeling like she had just looked right through me, deep into my soul. My sweet little baby has turned into a stubborn, mouthy teenager that wants everything just because so and so has it or because in her words "you have a debit card. OR you have checks."

Sometimes I feel guilty that I can't give them the party or the gifts they want or deserve. Then the fact that I have NO access to the money to even buy her a gift, just compounds things.

This is partly where I feel so helpless. See, due to the pending judgements I had before/during our filing bankruptcy, the attorney recommended "HE" remove me from ALL the accounts. Since then, we've filed and been to court, just waiting for the finalization to come through now. But "HE" has in no way made any effort to put me back on the account. In fact, "HE" even wants me to give "HIM" all the day to day bills so that "HE" can pay them "HIMSELF". "HE" wants me to have nothing to do with the account or money whatsoever. So, I can't go shop for groceries, I can't buy the girls something they might need, nor can I buy myself something I might need. If I want or need to go shopping, I have to wait to go with "HIM" or...."HE" goes without me and picks up what "HE" thinks we need. I don't know what to do anymore.

Then the other things that make me feel helpless are she was supposed to have a friend sleep over and then go to the movies the next day. Said friend decided last minute that she'd go stay at her cousin's instead. Even though this had been planned for a couple weeks, that after the sister of the friend went to see the same movie she was originally going to see with my daughter. So in her mind her birthday was ruined.

To top that off...her cousin ("HIS" niece's brat) starts to chat with her on facebook and starts talking crap to her. Then puts her friend on there and she starts saying a bunch of mean, hateful stuff to my girl. Calling her stupid, creepy and even called my girl a Lesbian. The poor kid came to me in tears. I told to say we'd make a copy of the chat and show it to her parents, but she said that won't do any good because they don't care. This isn't the first time this brat and her friends have done this to my girl.

It breaks my heart to see her treated this way, but I don't know what to do about it. Telling "HIM" is useless, and even telling the brat's parents is useless. This kid gets everything handed to her and she rubs it in to my girl's face all the time. It makes me feel so helpless that I can't do anything, and no words I say to my girl make it better. I mean it's bad enough when "HE" calls her fat and/or stupid, the cousin just makes everything worse with her words. Yes folks, "HE" has called her fat and stupid. She is not fat, not even slightly. Nor is she stupid. But "HE's" said it so much to her that she believes it. How do I help her?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Starting a Revolution

I watched the first episode of Jamie Oliver's new show where he's starting a food revolution in Huntington, West Virginia. It was very moving. He really has a heart to help people eat healthier. He truly wants to help and the people like that radio DJ just add to resistance. Why wouldn't you want to see someone try to help your friends and fellow neighbors?

And honestly pizza for breakfast? Is this how they spend our tax dollars? They spend more money on prison inmates then they do to feed our children in school.

When my girls went to the local public school a few years back (we homeschool, "HE" wanted to put them in to see "IF they REALLY learned anything) I can tell you much of what was shown on the first episode was pretty much what I saw in the lunch room whenever I was up at the school. Lucky at the girls' school they didn't have neon pink milk, but they did have the chocolate milk. They sold ice cream sandwiches and ICEEs. Most of the kids I saw toss out the good food like their salad, veggies and fruit. They would inhale the pudding, processed food, and ice cream sandwiches. And on Fridays they would have pizza brought in from either a local pizzeria or Domino's. Now seriously...why order take out? Is that how you spend our tax money?

I find Jamie to be a true inspiration and wholeheartedly support him as he tries to make a difference. I think he can do it. I think he can make a difference, that he can make a change, even if it's in just one life.

In the words of Mahatma Gandhi, "You must be the change you want to see in the world."

Wishcast Wednesday-Take a Break

"What do you wish to take a break from?" That's Jamie's question this week.

What don't I wish to take a break from? LOL! So many things...rebellious teenager? "HIM"? Fear? Negativity? Stress? All of the above?

I'm going to go with all of the above and then some. I just want to take a break and just breathe. Take time for me without feeling guilty.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Random Thoughts

It's rainy and chilly, I'm missing the warm weather we had 2 days ago even if it sent my allergies into high gear that day. We had sun and 70s on Saturday, and we've got rain and 40s today. It's supposed to be back up into the low 70s by the end of the week.

My little one isn't so little anymore, she'll be 14 on Thursday. Somedays she still seems like she wants to be a little girl, and other days she seems like she's rushing to grow up. What happened to the little baby I had that used to say "I don't wanna grow up mama, I want to stay little forever?"

Lately I've been feeling like I'm in a place I don't belong. Down here in GA is not where I'm supposed to be, I can feel it in the core of my being. I don't know yet where I'm supposed to be but I know it's not here. I feel most drawn to ME/NH or WA/OR. Of course the UK still calls to me strongly, I just don't know when I'll get to visit, or if at some point I'm supposed to be there for a spell.

Then, I've been "dreaming" I guess about what it would be like if I had my own herbal shop with homeopathic, aromatherapy, organic items and such. I started to think, with that I'd like to have a little cafe in there. Some place to sell herbal teas and organic drinks, home baked organic goods like muffins, and possible have a small lunch only menu. It seems like such a big dream, that it seems impossible, then I don't even know if such a thing would even work. I have so much to learn still, I've barely scratched the surface with my first class. Perhaps I'm just being silly.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Blessed Ostara-Welcome Spring

Today is the Spring Equinox. For me it means the beginning of allergy season. But as long as I have my allergy medicine handy I can usually manage Spring. Though this year I plan to find a natural way of dealing with them.

Today it's supposed to be about 70 degrees. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and even at 10 a.m. it was feeling kind of warm.

I am planning to do some seed starting today. I was at Michael's yesterday and they had a window sill strawberry kit for 50% off as well as a 3 herb kit (lavender, oregano, and thyme) for 50%. So basically I got 2 for the price of 1. Then at Wal-mart I picked up a bag of organic seed starter mix and a package of garlic chives, cilantro, Brandywine tomato, and scallions, all organic seeds.

When I was picking these up yesterday with the intent to sow them today, I didn't even realize it was Ostara. I mean I knew it was coming up, I just lost track of days. So this will be how I will celebrate the day.

Hope you all enjoy your Ostara. And if you're in the southern hemisphere...Blessed Mabon.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wishcast Wednesday-Pay Attention

Today Jamie asks What do you wish to pay attention to?

I pondered this today as there are many things I could list. But as I thought about it more and more I found my wish to be that I wish to pay more attention to that small voice of who I am crying to get out and be found. Not the one that tells me I can't but the one that tells me my wishes and dreams and hopes. I wish to pay attention when it whispers and I can barely hear it over the screaming of the negative voice, to pay attention and believe that my dreams and wishes are possible.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

No, I don't celebrate the day. But I do use it as an excuse to make corned beef and cabbage and Irish Soda Bread. I might not be able to make the bread, not sure if I have all the ingredients.

Today has given me a new perspective on what the Celts and Druids endured during that time. Reading some of the posts by fellow bloggers on the historical stuff just makes me sad. What mainstream religion would do in the name of 'god' is appalling. Yet really somethings haven't changed. People are still ridiculed or persecuted for their religious beliefs or lack there of.

I won't get on my soapbox right now about my experience with Christians in "HIS" family as well as the church(es) we used to attend. But suffice it to say the common theme was 'believe what I say, do as I say, and don't question it.'

But anyway enjoy your day!

New MySpace Layouts

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Wishcast Wednesday-Just Say NO!

Today Jamie asks "What do you wish to say no to?"

A great one but also a tough one. I have a hard time saying "No!" I feel guilty if I do. I'm afraid I'll be judged or make people angry if I say no.

But, if I answer this with what I'd say no to, it would be:

No, to being afraid to say no.
No, to the little voices that whisper that I'm sad and pathetic, that I'm no good,
that I'm worthless and can't do anything right.
No, to that same little voice that tells me I can't doing anything and that I will fail.
No, to the people that want to control my life, my thoughts, my beliefs, my passions, that try to make me into who they want me to be.
No, to the fear that controls me and forces me back into my little cave of safety and old habits of comfort.

Those are just some of the things I'd say "NO!" to.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Magickal/Witchy Q & A

This is a questionnaire/survey of sorts that I've seen popping up on a few blogs. I thought it would be a good way to give and get some insight to me.


Do you have a magickal name?
Well, no not really. When I first started exploring I picked Cerridwen, then
switched to Morgaine, but they are what I was attracted to. I think if/when I am to have one I'll know it and it won't be something I think I'm supposed to have.

Does it have a special meaning?
See above. If/when I get one, it will.

How did you find Wicca/Paganism?
It found me. I was feel I was called to it. The
first time I was about 15 or 16. I was in the Village with my
mom and we were passing a store called the Mystical Childe.
I immediately felt a strong pull to go inside, I felt like I was being
called to the Path but I couldn't act on it at the time.

How long have you been practicing?
I've explored on and off since then when I could find things. I wouldn't
say I was practicing yet, but rather learning still.

Solitary or group practitioner?
Solitary, I don't really know anyone that share's my yearning to learn and
explore. Being in the "bible belt" doesn't help either.

What is your path?
I'd have to say at this point probably eclectic, but I'm feel a strong desire
to seek a Celtic Path.

Are you out of the broom closet?
Definitely hiding deep inside for now.


Who are your patron Gods?
None that I'm specifically drawn to.

Who are your patron Goddesses?
Ones that I feel drawn to are Lilith, Morgaine, and Bast.

Which Gods/Goddess' do you worship?
See above. I wouldn't say I'm worshiping at this time, but I
am drawn to them and learning about them.

Do you fear dark aspects of the Gods/Goddess, or rather, respect them?
I don't think I fear it in a hide under my bed sort of way, but I do
most definitely respect them.

Do you worship the Christian God?
No. I used to because it was what I was told I had to do.
Being raised Catholic, and then being born again for a while and having
it drilled into you that it's that way or no way...well you probably know the
deal. I do respect others that do though.

Do you ever worship animals?

Or plants?


Do you regularly commune with nature?
I try to go outside when its not too cold or when
the pollen count isn't through the roof.

Ever walked barefoot in the woods?
Not that I can remember.

Taken a camping trip just to talk to nature?
No I haven't.

Describe the moment you felt closest to Mother Earth?
This one time I went up into the woods behind my house and there
is a circular clearing under the trees. I think some might call this a
Faerie Circle. But anytime I've gone in it, it's always so peaceful and

What is/are your power animal(s)?
Cats I guess. I had a dream of a bobcat once, I think it was protecting me.

Do you have a familiar?
I think so. I don't know it's name. I have seen it, a cat, usually sitting at my
right. I always seem to see it when I least expect it, though if I try to look at
her (I think its a girl) she disappears.

Have you ever called upon the powers of an animal in ritual?

Or a plant?

Do you hug trees?
Not in a long time, especially since several up in the woods have poison ivy on them.

Give them gifts?
Not yet

What is your favorite flower to work with?
Don't have one yet. Though lavender keeps coming to mind.

What is your favorite tree to work with?
I'm not sure actually. My girls find these branches lying in the woods
when they go exploring. One branch I was just so drawn to I had to have
it. I made my wand with it.

Wheel of the Year

What are your favorite holidays?
Samhain and Yule

What if your least favorite holiday?
I don't think I have a least favorite

Have you ever held a ritual on a holiday?
I did an Imbolc once by myself. I never feel like I know what I'm doing, I'm
always afraid I'm going to do it wrong.

Ever taken a day off work to celebrate a pagan holiday?
No I haven't

Do you celebrate Yule on the 21 rather than the 25?
No, on I do it on the 25th for now for my girls.

Have you ever felt the Veil thin?
I think I may have.

Ever danced the Maypole?
No not that I remember

Know what the Maypole symbolizes?
I think I do.

Ever made love on Beltane?
No idea lol

How do you usually celebrate the pagan holidays?
At this time I don't really do much other than acknowledge them in my


Do you use Tarot?
I have 2 sets but don't really feel drawn to use either. Also
I need to learn how to use the Tarot.

Do you use runes?
I have a set that I made, but I don't use them.

Do you use a pendulum?
No, not at this time.

Do you use dowsing rods?

Do you use astrology?
I read my horoscope from time to time but that's about it
right now.

Any other form of divination?
Not now I don't


What was the first spell you did?
I think that would be the spell/blessing I did
on a book I was going to use for my beginning BoS.

What was the latest?
I haven't done any.

Ever done a love spell?

A job spell?

A healing spell?

What was the most powerful spell you've ever performed?
None that I know of.


Do you believe in Vampires?
Not really, only in the literary sense I guess.

See vampire answer.

Shape shifters?
I think it might be possible.

Elves? Faeries? Dragons? Nymphs? Sprites? Mermaids? Sirens? Satyrs?
Well if I can believe in Elves, Faeries, and Dragons, I can believe in the others
as well.

I guess they are possible.


Ever "seen" any of the above?
I may have.

Ever talked to any of the above?
Only if they were scaring me, I've asked them to leave.

Ever called on any of the above in magick?

Do you have one of them as a personal guardian?
I might, I'm just not aware of them right now.


Do you see a rabbit, a man or a woman in the moon?
Woman of course.

Own a cat?
Yes, 2 and the one that likes to visit often

When you meditate what does your sacred/safe place look like?
If I try, it's in my bed.

Do you work with Chakras?
Not at this time.

Do you believe in soul mates?
I don't know. Sometimes I do.

Ever met one?

Do you have a Spirit guide?
If I do, they haven't revealed themselves to me.

Is it always love and light?
Well, I try not to hate anyone or anything as it does nothing
for me. But I can't love everything either. And without darkness
there can be no light and vice versa, so IMO you need both darkness
and light.

Beautiful Blogger Award - Thank You!

Thank you to Debra at She Who Seeks for nominating me for this award. It means alot to me as I tend to think of my ramblings as nothing more than rantings of a warped mind not worthy of much. So I thank you thank you thank you very much Debra.

Here are the rules of this award:

1. Thank the person who gave you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

Seven things about me. Wow, um, no pressure here LOL. Let's see, hmmm...
1. I'm a natural blonde. When I was younger and my mom would take me to get my hair cut, the Polish ladies in the salon would always ask what number was the color of my hair because they wanted theirs dyed the same color as mine.
2. I love the Harry Potter series and the Eragon series. (Speaking of Hey Christopher...still waiting for book 4. Coming out anytime soon?)
3. I was raised watching Days of Our Lives, The Doctors, Another World, and Summerset. I don't really remember much of The Doctors or Summerset I was really little when they were on. I still watch Days.
4. I play World of Warcraft (slightly addicted). I love raiding with my level 80 druid.
5. I've watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy so many times I can quote them almost perfectly, extended editions at that.
6. I've always wanted to dye my hair black, just to try it out. But I'm too scared and don't want to ruin my natural color.
7. I hate to eat breakfast.

And now for my 15 nominees:
1. Rue at Rue and Hyssop
2. Julie at The Domestic Witch
3. Inaanasstare at Ramblings of a Domestic Goddess
4. Witchy Mama
5. Julie at Celtic Lady
6. Silvermoone at The Goddess Within
7. Jaz at Octoberfarm
8. Suzie at Suzie Ridler and Suzie the Foodie
9. Mary at Moontides
10. Myfanwy at Garden of the Dark Moon Jubilee
11. Bella at Memoirs of a Crazy Witch
12. Bunnykissd at Diary of a Crazy Rabbit Lady, Too
13. Antics of a Tameran Witch
14. Sobeit of A Herbal Journey
15. Dessa of Heartease Hollow

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Soulmates...real or imagined? Was I deceived?

Do they really exist? Sometimes I think so, other times I don't. I mean take for instance my oldest and her best friend. B's friend lives in Canada, we live down in Georgia. They have never met face to face and have been friends for over 3 years now I think it is. They are like two peas in a pod as they say. And could very well fit the profile of friend soulmates if you you will.

But here is why I question if it's a real thing or was I deceived somehow. Let's go back 20 years or so. I was engaged to a man who I thought I loved, we didn't communicate much and he ended up being very possessive of me and one day was about to punch me. That day I think was the turning point for me and I knew I didn't want to be in another physically abusive relationship.

I was raised Catholic, but I didn't really believe all that stuff I was taught over the years I attended Catholic school. I was at that time drawn to a pagan path but didn't know anything about how to learn more about it. But anyway, I laid on my bed one night, 4th of July to be exact. I was watching the Macy's fireworks on TV and spoke out loud. I don't remember my exact words but it went along the lines of "God if you are real, bring me someone who won't abuse me. That is love, kind, caring." Etc, etc...you get the picture, right?

So two months later, I'm at work. And this guy walks in to the store, I notice his shirt and commented on it. We start talking and it was like time stopped and I "heard a voice" (yes it was a male voice lol) say this is the one, the one I have for you. I was thinking to myself like you're kidding right, this isn't real. Him? And over the course of a few months he appeared sweet and charming, said all the right things. He was 16 years my senior. I was young, naive, desperate for unconditional love. So desperate I wouldn't know it if it slapped me in the face.

Eight months later we were married. I was longing to get out from under my codependent mother, I was wooed by his charm and promises. He convinced me that the "voice" I heard was destiny telling us we were soulmates and meant to be together. But now here I am, 20 years later and I'm miserable, desperate to get out, alienated from my family for the most part, stuck in a marriage that I believe now was never meant to be.

So how can he be or have been my soulmate? I didn't think they were supposed to hurt the ones they are suppose to love or are supposedly destined to be with. I never felt any "soul connection" to him. I'm not even sure any more if I ever loved him. I know now I was never "in love" with him.

I just don't know if I believe in soulmates. Sometimes the word seems to be made up to be used against a person to keep them in a relationship they don't belong in.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Student, Seeker, Seaching for me (crosspost from my other blog)

So I have ordered and received my lessons from NAIMH. And I am working on the first lesson. Part of the assignment is to listen to 2 lectures and write a 1-2 page paper on them. I've been hesitant lol, I've not had to write a paper in about 20 years since I was a student at LaGuardia Community College. I'm nervous and scared about writing it. What if I can't write about how I could apply vitalism to my life? I also have to make 3 tinctures, which I'm honestly scared to make. I mean what if I add too much alcohol? Then what?

At the same time, I've been thinking alot about my path or lack thereof. In some ways I'm think I'm pagan, but then I think I'm Wiccan or a witch, then other times I am drawn to the Druid path. I feel so lost and confused sometimes...no all the time. I mean can one be a pagan and a druid, or a pagan and Wiccan? And then with Wicca there are so many paths, I don't know which if any are right for me. But I want a direction, I need a direction. I feel like sometimes I am wandering in the dark blindly. I feel like a liar if I say I'm a pagan or Wiccan because I don't feel like I have a true path to walk towards.

And then we come to who am I? For so long in my life, I have lived to be what someone else thought I should be and thought how they felt I should think, that I don't know how I am anymore. I was for lack of a better word forbidden to have my own beliefs or opinions. If they didn't fit into this person's view of how things are to be, I was heavily discouraged from following my heart and mind. It still holds true even now as I still have to live under this person's roof. If I express myself over concerns about the environment or the foods we eat, I'm being silly and overreacting. I'm being too extreme if I say I want my girls to eat a more organic diet and foods free of GMOs. It doesn't matter what it is that might strike a cord in me, if it doesn't suit "HIM" then I'm discouraged from taking an interest in it. Basically if it doesn't fit into his world it's not allowed.

Sure he may indulge for a short time if he thinks it's just a passing phase. But if it exceeds his "time frame" of how long I should be interested or if in his mind it takes away from attention on him, it becomes unnecessary and he calls it an obsession. He did this when I was involved with scrap booking and had a home based business, he did this when I was an avid reader, even when I was involved with my daughters in Girl Scouts.

Okay, that part really should be for another post. But suffice it to say, I have lost my identity. I don't know how I am, or what I'm supposed to be "when I grow up". I want to find myself again, I want to be free.

Wishcast Wednesday - Time

Today Jamie asks "What do you wish to make time for?" An easy yet so hard question to answer. There are many moments when I could probably "make time" for something but out of guilt or fear I don't. And then the moment is lost.

I wish to make time for me to connect with myself and my muse, time to study and learn, time to search inside to discover myself.