Saturday, October 31, 2009

T -8 hours give or take a few minutes

So, in about 8 hours, NaNoWriMo will start. And I plan to partake in this event, for the third time. The first year, I got basically nowhere. I had no idea what to do, where to start, I was totally clueless. The second year I participated, I had a story idea, I had characters, I had a muse, it was all going so well. That is until my grandma took sick, ended up spending a week in the hospital, coming home only to pass away on Thanksgiving Day.

Since then, I have not participated. This will be my first attempt in 3 years. The problem is, I have no clue what I will write. I'm blank yet again. Well not totally, I do have my main character Aeryn. A some what very vague idea of what or who she is, some semblance of a setting/period, a tiny hint at a possible plot... And then... NOTHING! I'm totally, completely blank.

And my muse...she's being terribly mean to me. She still refuses to speak to me. At best I get a distant whisper, so faint I can't really hear what she is saying. I don't know what to do at all.

I could go back and tear apart the story I was writing originally back in 2006, totally rewrite it from scratch. The only thing is, I have no inspiration to do it. I once had ideas racing at me about that story so fast I could barely get them written down fast enough to remember them. It's not that it still doesn't tug at me to be worked on, finished even (someday). It's just that it's silent, the characters aren't speaking to me save a soft whimper from the main character to have her story completed.

So here I sit, with about 7.5 hours to start NaNoWriMo. Where my goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days. That's 1,667 words a day, if I write every day. Whatever shall I do?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

In Denial

Okay, well that's my story and I'm sticking to it, LOL. It was my birthday yesterday...My 40th birthday. (NO NO NO, I can't be 40! I know I'll delete my birthday from the data banks and erase it from my birth certificate. HAHA!)

I didn't want a fuss. I'm not into big to-do's over me. I save stuff like that for my girls. Their dad, really pushed my buttons over it. Saying things like "Oh, You're 40 now!" and other annoying remarks right along with an over the hill balloon. Maybe to some people it's not a big deal but given my current situation, it just really rubbed my nerves raw and had to bite my tongue not to let him have it. And then...I find out that he tells my youngest that she and her sister should not come to me if they have problems with their friends because I'd get emotionally involved. WTF is that supposed to mean???? Telling to not talk to their own mother about stuff. I was and still am quite furious about this, but for their sake and the fact she asked me to not say anything I'm being quiet about it. But to my face he's all nice nice and behind my back he's trying to destroy my relationship with my girls. On top of this, he acts like everything is just peachy with us. (We're separated, but live in the same house. Not my preferred choice of arrangement but it's what I have to do for now.)

But, as I spent my day contemplating the last 40 years, okay maybe the last 20 to 25 years, and wonder where I went wrong, and where I went right. And right now the only thing I see that I went right was with my girls. I spent a good part of the afternoon just being silly with my youngest and laughing my ass off with her. I'm sure there might be a few other minor successes in there, I just don't see them at the moment.

So, I was thinking that I should look at this birthday as a new starting point for me. Not that I'm getting older, but maybe just maybe a bit wiser. That I'd look back at things and use what I've learned, failed or succeeded at and use that to propel me forward. To be able to start my life anew with my girls and my beloved. My beloved who I had the opportunity to spend 3 days with a couple of weeks ago, which is probably the happiest I've been since I can't even remember.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Inspiration from one of my favorite authors

Often times I see myself as a failure in many aspects of my life. That sometimes makes me think I can't come back from my failures or that they define me. But I came across this speech given by J. K. Rowling at the 2008 Harvard Commencement Ceremony. It gave me a lot to think about and inspired me greatly.

You can check it out here,
It also has a video so you can watch and listen if you are so inclined.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

A Woman of Passion

A truly moving, empowering and passionate speech from what BlissChick calls a true Wild Woman.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

2 for 1 post...Wishcast (late again) and The Joy Diet: Truth

I'm going to do a 2fer post here, LOL. Partly, because I'm just being lazy. And a part of me kind feels like the 2 go hand in hand for me.

First Jamie asked us this week, "What do you wish to share?" Couple of things that came to mind was honesty, openness, and trust. I don't really have a problem with honesty, I hate lying. But I've lived with them all my life. It's very difficult to be honest with my feelings. If I'm hurting, and someone says "Are you okay?" It's easier for me to say, "I'm fine.", even when I'm not. I have a really hard time being honest about how I'm feeling. I had to learn early on that you don't show them, you hide them, bury them.

Which leads to difficulty with openness. I find it close to impossible to be open with others about myself, how I feel, what I think. I'm afraid of being judged on any level. My thoughts, beliefs, wants, desires, aspirations...have all been judged. Many times by those closest to me. One can only hear "You aren't good enough." "You'll never amount to anything." "You won't be successful." "You won't be good at that." So on and so on.

Which eventually leads to trust issues. I have difficulty trusting people. It's hard when the ones that claim to love you and want the best for you, are the ones that hurt you the deepest. Which makes me find it hard to believe there are any good ones out there. That I can trust and believe, be open and honest with.

This all leads to The Next Chapter Book Blog on "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck...the chapter on Truth. I'm still struggling with Nothing. I just can't find my "nothing space". So, this led me realize that I'm afraid of the quiet, the stillness, afraid of the voices that repeat the "You're worthless, good for nothing, lazy, stupid, a failure." mantra that I hear if I dwell in the stillness too long. I'm afraid of the truth. I'm afraid to face the lies, the hurts, the anger, the fears that I've kept tucked away in the darkest place of my soul. It seems so much safer to keep them there.

The truth...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm afraid that my beloved will come here, and all the hopes and dreams will be lost when he sets eyes on me and sees me face to face. What we have now is safe, he's 2200 miles away. He can't hurt me as deeply if he's never been close, never held my hand, never held me, never touched me.

I'm afraid to face the hurts and anger from all the abuse I've experienced in the past. Growing up with an alcoholic dad and co-dependent manipulative mom.

I can't do this alone, but I'm too afraid to open up and let anyone in close enough. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want my beloved to hurt me, nor do I want to hurt him. That's why I've been begging him to not come here.

In short...The Truth hurts!