Wednesday, October 28, 2009

In Denial

Okay, well that's my story and I'm sticking to it, LOL. It was my birthday yesterday...My 40th birthday. (NO NO NO, I can't be 40! I know I'll delete my birthday from the data banks and erase it from my birth certificate. HAHA!)

I didn't want a fuss. I'm not into big to-do's over me. I save stuff like that for my girls. Their dad, really pushed my buttons over it. Saying things like "Oh, You're 40 now!" and other annoying remarks right along with an over the hill balloon. Maybe to some people it's not a big deal but given my current situation, it just really rubbed my nerves raw and had to bite my tongue not to let him have it. And then...I find out that he tells my youngest that she and her sister should not come to me if they have problems with their friends because I'd get emotionally involved. WTF is that supposed to mean???? Telling to not talk to their own mother about stuff. I was and still am quite furious about this, but for their sake and the fact she asked me to not say anything I'm being quiet about it. But to my face he's all nice nice and behind my back he's trying to destroy my relationship with my girls. On top of this, he acts like everything is just peachy with us. (We're separated, but live in the same house. Not my preferred choice of arrangement but it's what I have to do for now.)

But, as I spent my day contemplating the last 40 years, okay maybe the last 20 to 25 years, and wonder where I went wrong, and where I went right. And right now the only thing I see that I went right was with my girls. I spent a good part of the afternoon just being silly with my youngest and laughing my ass off with her. I'm sure there might be a few other minor successes in there, I just don't see them at the moment.

So, I was thinking that I should look at this birthday as a new starting point for me. Not that I'm getting older, but maybe just maybe a bit wiser. That I'd look back at things and use what I've learned, failed or succeeded at and use that to propel me forward. To be able to start my life anew with my girls and my beloved. My beloved who I had the opportunity to spend 3 days with a couple of weeks ago, which is probably the happiest I've been since I can't even remember.


  1. I love how raw this is, how you write exactly how you feel. I think you have a great attitude on looking towards the future.

    I know how you feel about your birthday, although I am still a couple of years away from that particular milestone. It's the first one in my life I am NOT looking forward to.

    Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad you got to spend time with your beloved.

  2. Wow. I mean, just wow. I agree with the first comment about loving how "raw" this is.

    It is also inspiring to konw that you can look at a birthday as a time to start over - that you can choose to consciously change your live and do things differently from here on out.

  3. Happy Belated birthday! Er...well...if you want to celebrate that is. I am making the same approach and it isn't easy. I have decided to stop thinking about numbers and focus on fun and all the stuff I want to do, which is a lot. I think you have found some peace, sorry that it was a rough year though. You are an inspiration.

  4. Thank you for the birthday wishes Suzie, Rayden, and Wendy.

    I never thought of myself as an inspiration to anyone. That really touched me and was totally unexpected to hear.