I'm going to do a 2fer post here, LOL. Partly, because I'm just being lazy. And a part of me kind feels like the 2 go hand in hand for me.
First Jamie asked us this week, "What do you wish to share?" Couple of things that came to mind was honesty, openness, and trust. I don't really have a problem with honesty, I hate lying. But I've lived with them all my life. It's very difficult to be honest with my feelings. If I'm hurting, and someone says "Are you okay?" It's easier for me to say, "I'm fine.", even when I'm not. I have a really hard time being honest about how I'm feeling. I had to learn early on that you don't show them, you hide them, bury them.
Which leads to difficulty with openness. I find it close to impossible to be open with others about myself, how I feel, what I think. I'm afraid of being judged on any level. My thoughts, beliefs, wants, desires, aspirations...have all been judged. Many times by those closest to me. One can only hear "You aren't good enough." "You'll never amount to anything." "You won't be successful." "You won't be good at that." So on and so on.
Which eventually leads to trust issues. I have difficulty trusting people. It's hard when the ones that claim to love you and want the best for you, are the ones that hurt you the deepest. Which makes me find it hard to believe there are any good ones out there. That I can trust and believe, be open and honest with.
This all leads to The Next Chapter Book Blog on "The Joy Diet" by Martha Beck...the chapter on Truth. I'm still struggling with Nothing. I just can't find my "nothing space". So, this led me realize that I'm afraid of the quiet, the stillness, afraid of the voices that repeat the "You're worthless, good for nothing, lazy, stupid, a failure." mantra that I hear if I dwell in the stillness too long. I'm afraid of the truth. I'm afraid to face the lies, the hurts, the anger, the fears that I've kept tucked away in the darkest place of my soul. It seems so much safer to keep them there.
The truth...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm afraid that my beloved will come here, and all the hopes and dreams will be lost when he sets eyes on me and sees me face to face. What we have now is safe, he's 2200 miles away. He can't hurt me as deeply if he's never been close, never held my hand, never held me, never touched me.
I'm afraid to face the hurts and anger from all the abuse I've experienced in the past. Growing up with an alcoholic dad and co-dependent manipulative mom.
I can't do this alone, but I'm too afraid to open up and let anyone in close enough. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want my beloved to hurt me, nor do I want to hurt him. That's why I've been begging him to not come here.
In short...The Truth hurts!