Saturday, March 10, 2012


I'm not really sure where I'm gonna go with this post, but it's one that's been nagging at me for awhile. Since lately I've been feeling a lot of different things. I've thought about this post quite a bit but never could seem to put the words down. This I guess will be my attempt to do such.

Let's start off positive shall we? I've been happy! I am HAPPY! Things with my Beloved are going well. Sister #3 is engaged and is planning a June 2013 wedding. I was sponsored into Book of Days (premium) by a fellow Art Sister. New calves being born (7 over the last month) make me smile. Especially the one born yesterday morning and watching it shakily stand up and try to eat while Momma Cow cleaned it up. Or watching the twin calves frolic in the pasture or chase after their Momma. Seeing the stars so clearly, watching Jupiter and Venus dance in the night sky (I believe that's the 2 I've been seeing.) Watching the full moon rise and basking in Her light. Listening to the birds in the morning, hearing the coyotes call at night, seeing the magpies and other birds enjoying the spring like weather. In the past couple of weeks I've had the joy of seeing a Bald Eagle, a Golden Eagle, a crane or heron (haven't figured out which it is yet), just to name a few. These things make me happy.

I've also been sad. Feeling helpless. Not about myself, but about things I can't do anything about. Things that are out of my control. Like some one that is dear to me that is sick and in pain, that I can't do something to make them feel better. I can't be there to comfort them or their family. Sad that I'm not even supposed to know about it but I do and I can't say anything.
Sad that I can't give my girls more or better things, that I don't have the money. I know money isn't everything and doesn't buy love and happiness. But it makes me sad that I see something that I know they would like and I can't get it for them as a surprise.

And then, I've been angry. Angry that when my youngest doesn't feel well and had mostly an ear infection, instead of comforting her and trying to find a way to ease the pain then take her to the doctor, the Ogre makes her cry and feel worse. Sees her tears as being dramatic and refuses to believe she has an ear infection. While she's on the phone with me, he finally assures her they'll go to the doctor ...but hey guess what, he never did it. Luckily for her, her seems to have resolved on its own. His excuse...he forgot!
Angry that the Troll (the Ogre's sister) finds it acceptable to talk shit about me, telling my kids that I'm crazy. That being crazy is hereditary and they'll end up just like me if they aren't careful. Felt it was okay to give my oldest the silent treatment one day, dirty looks and all...for no reason, just started the day that way.
It angers me that they have to put up with her shit. It angers me that the Ogre allows and tolerates this shit with her to go on.

And then I've been feeling stuck again in the creative journaling, painting, writing (not a word yet! UGH). I was doing great with BOD at first, then I just kinda feel like I hit a wall and didn't know what to do. I feel stuck because there's so many workshops I want to do and I can't.
I feel stuck in my path. I don't know what to do. I guess maybe I feel like I need a specific label after being brought up Catholic and then spending years in non-denominational "cults". I say cults because most of them wanted you to follow their line of thinking, follow blindly, not asking questions or thinking for yourself.
I still feel drawn to Druidry, but at the same time I still drawn to Avalon and yet feel like hedge/kitchen/green witch is more where I should explore. I had hoped that reading "Avalon Within" by Jhenah Telyndru would perhaps answer some of my questions about the path of Avalon. I was overjoyed that I won a copy of the book, but then sadly I never received it. Maybe I'm not supposed to be on any "path" in particular but just honor the Goddess and the seasons. I don't know.

But yea, I've been feeling a lot of different things lately. And I hate feeling powerless to help someone I care about. I don't like not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, not knowing what my purpose is (I mean as far as a spiritual path, art and writing). I just don't know what to do about it. I have things that can envision, I just don't know how to get those things to come alive. Guess I just have a lot of thinking and searching to do. As long as I have my Beloved and his family and my girls, it's all good.