Saturday, July 31, 2010

Blessed Lammas

I wish you all a Blessed Lammas/Lughnasadh.

I'm not sure yet how I will honor the day. I don't have any of the supplies I would need to do a proper honoring of the day. I was thinking perhaps to make some bread (shhh...don't tell it's a box mix) or maybe some corn bread (it's boxed too lol). None of my veggies have anything I can pick yet. But maybe I can harvest some herbs for drying and saving. I have plenty of sage I can pick and some cilantro, thyme and lemon balm.

I will take time to thank the God and Goddess for what I do have: my children, my beloved, my health.

And I'm thankful for each and every one of you that have read and commented on my posts.

Love you all! Bright Blessings and May the Goddess Smile Upon You Always!

Not Sure How to Take That

Ever notice how sometimes it's hard to know the intent of someone's words when you read them instead of hear them? That's kind of how I am about one of the responses I got to my last post. My first thought was to come out swinging and rant back at the commenter. So, I took a couple days to settle my feathers.

Seeing as how my followers dropped by one, I can assume she meant it just how she said it. Should you read this I'm sorry if what I write offends you or if you got upset because I chose not to have him arrested for selling what I feel wasn't his right to sell.

If I knew when I had money what I know now, I probably wouldn't have left then either. But I didn't know how things would be 3-4 years later. But you know me and the kids were reeling from the death of my grandma who was a HUGE part of our lives. Even if I could have or would have left then, it probably would have sent them both over the edge. So even still back then if I had known that what he's doing is emotional abuse, I don't think I'd have left, not then.

And for the record, it's only been the last couple of years that I was even aware that it's emotional/psychological abuse. Grasping that reality in itself is rather difficult. There are days I still find it difficult to comprehend. Emotional abuse is subtle sometimes and difficult to prove, even the lawyer told me that.

You know maybe you're right, maybe I won't ever leave. I don't know what the future holds. It's sad that you think I'm writing my blog just to complain and that I enjoy complaining. I write here because it's an outlet that I can freely express what I'm thinking and feeling, so sorry you can't see that. If I was able to see a counselor I'd be telling them more or less the same things I write here. Would that be considered complaining as well?

If my posts have been coming off as complaining, to you my followers I apologize. I thought I was using my blog as a means of expressing how I felt and what was going on in my head. It was never my intent to offend anyone. It amazes me too that one person's comment has me considering deleting my blogs. Maybe I don't have a blog of substance after all.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I'm a Bit Calmer Now

So this past week seems to have been a massive rollercoaster ride. I don't do rollercoasters!

I've tried to focus on calming myself down over Dipshit's latest fiasco. "HE's" still acting very ladi-da about it. Some suggestions were made that I have "HIM" arrested for what "HE's" done. And believe me the thought crossed my mind. But my conclusion was this: they were in "HIS" possession (though grandma let "HIM" have them with the restriction of they couldn't ever be sold...I swear she's rolled over in a her grave a few times), it would have a negative affect on "HIS" job, and probably more importantly when the time comes that I should leave it's something "HE" can't use against me. The calmer I keep things, the less I provoke "HIM" with shit now, I'm hoping the outcome down the road will be better. I know the later is probably wishful thinking on my part, but I can wish nonetheless.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still very pissed about the whole thing. But I've decided to let Karma bite "HIM" in the ass and not me.

What's more important right now is me figuring out what is most important to me to take when I leave. There are really only 3 large pieces that I want to keep with me, no 4 probably. The rest is like her set of china, some crystal glasses that were my great-grandma's, my books!, pictures, my scrapbooks and supplies, my craft stuff....when all would be said and done, probably wouldn't even fill up a small U-haul.

My grandma's voice keeps echoing in my mind. I think she knew, and I think she may have even been encouraging me to leave "HIM" once she was gone. One of the last conversations we had was that whatever money was left over after she was buried was for me and the girls 'in case of an emergency'. If I had that money now, IF "HE" hadn't blown through it in a matter of months (no "HE" didn't have access to it directly, but when you need to keep utilities on or get cut off, and then the payment on the new car "HE" just HAD TO went fast. Even when I kept telling "HIM" over and over, that the money wasn't meant to be used for that..."HE" didn't care)...any way, If I still had the money, it would have been enough more me to get out and hold me over a month or two, maybe three at most. But it's all gone, every penny. Just one more way for "HIM" to make sure I was totally dependent on "HIM" with no means of getting out.

The sad part is though, I can't see myself leaving. I can't see myself away from "HIM". I try and I try and I try...but to no avail. My beloved has been looking for a place where he's at, and has found a likely one. He's been looking for a job in the area of the apartment as well. I try to see myself and the girls away from here, away from Dipshit...but try as I might, I can't see it. All I see is darkness, and I feel chained, bound. I think I've figured out why I feel like someone or something is working against me, too. You see Dipshit's sister is a crackpot, bible thumping, scripture quoting, my god is better than yours Christian. And they've been talking A LOT!!! And I think "HE'S" got her and her band of merry followers 'praying for me' that I'll come around to my senses and get the picture I'm sure. I don't know how to fight against that, I don't know how to break that chain. I mean I don't even know for sure that's what it is, but it does make the most sense.

I want out so desperately, I just don't know how I can do it. I don't know how I can leave.

Monday, July 26, 2010


I'm so angry right now that my chest is one tight knot. I am just so pissed!

Dipshit sold my grandfather's ring and my grandfather's very old watch. He didn't ask me if I was okay with this, he didn't ask me how I felt about it. When I told him call your sister and ask her to hold off on cashing the check that he gave her for money he borrowed, he was all just like 'yea I guess I can ask her if she didn't put it through already.' And NEVER even made an effort to get off his ass and call her.

Today he came home, and was all like so I got about 250 for both. And I'm looking at him going "what? huh?"..."He's like the ring and watch, I sold them." He said it like he was telling me he picked up milk and eggs or asking me how's the weather. Like it was no big deal. But FUCK! It is a big deal! They were my grandfather's, they are irreplaceable and he had no right. My grandmother must be rolling over in her grave about now.

I'm so damn pissed I can't even think straight and it's giving me a headache.

What right does he have to do that? He didn't sell his chain from his sister, nor did he sell his wedding band. But he had no trouble at all selling what wasn't his to sell. I think I'm going to be sick.

Riding the Rollercoaster of Emotions

It's been a hell of a week. I've just been such a bundle of emotions lately...scared, nervous, crying (is that in emotion?), angry...I feel like I've been a mess.

The fear that grips me when I think or talk about leaving tends to send me on this wild rollercoaster ride of overwhelming emotions. I want to run, but have no where to hide. Putting everything into words ends up being futile, so it makes me angry. The fears, they paralyze me. So in the end, I just end up crying my eyes out by the end of almost everyday.

Lately my beloved and I have been talking that maybe it would be better for me and the girls to move there, rather than he come here. It would give us a chance to start fresh, a chance to breathe. But the thoughts of leaving things behind put me into a sad state. Much of what I want to keep with me, both large and small, are mostly things that were my grandma's. Then of course there are my scrapbook photo albums, my pictures not yet placed in said albums, and my books...I can't leave my books...or my computer. To some...many of these might seem trivial, but not to me. Having lost everything once, I can't bear to go through it again. Nor do I want the girls to experience that.

The other thing that's been weighing on me is if my young one will stay with me. She's been fighting the idea of moving to my beloved. And that's just been almost more than I can take. I cannot leave her behind, yet I cannot continue to stay and live this way. I sat down with her the other night to talk with her. Telling her how I've been afraid she might not want to leave. I even told her that if she did not want me with my beloved, that I would give him up for her and her sister. That their happiness meant more to me than my own. And if staying here was what would make them happy, I'd give him and do so.

She was stunned and totally shocked that I'd be willing to give him up for her. She said she didn't want that. And all she wants is for me to be happy and she knows that my beloved makes me happy. She just feels sorry for dipshit and what it will be like if/when we leave.

And now tonight...dipshit drops a bombshell in my lap and tells me well we're short money (again). That if I pay the 2 bills that must be paid and he pays back his sister we'd be broke till payday (again). I told him if I don't pay the electric they will cut it off tomorrow. The cable will do the same if they aren't paid in the next day or two, I'd be lucky if we got to Wednesday. So his sell the ring that was my grandfather's that my grandma had given to him. Well it was more of like she let him wear it, but anyway. His words were to the effect of "I know its like an heirloom and all, such a shame to sell it, but we need the cash. And so if you have any gold items we can sell give them to me so I can see what I can get for them." I wanted to say "YEA! Take the fucking wedding ring I don't wear anymore you dumb fuck. You can sell that and that any thing else you gave me. 'Cause I don't want your shit no more." But, I didn't say anything I was too flabbergasted that he wants to sell something that really isn't his to sell.

I'm so damn aggravated it's not funny. I'm making myself sick over this bastard. And all he can do is imply it's everyone's fault but his that there's never enough money. I can't go spending the money, I'm not on the accounts anymore. All I can do is log in to the bill pay sites to click a button to pay a bill...that's it. And even that I don't do with out telling him what needs to be paid and wait for the okay.

Will it ever stop? Will I ever get out of here? All I can think at the moment is "Calgon, take me away!" But, for some reason...that's not working. So I can only hope for change instead.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Eight of Cups

I've been questioning things a lot lately. Especially when it comes to my relationship(s). Do I leave "HIM"? Do I strive to make a future with my beloved? Do I/we move to a new place/city/state? So many questions and emotions that I've been struggling with lately, it's been a rough week.

I've been wondering if I'm giving up and throwing away 20 years of marriage out of selfishness. Those feelings of it's all in my head and I'm not trying hard enough have been rearing up again. Then my youngest acting like if she has to choose who to be with if I did leave that she'd choose "HIM" because "HE" has the money.

My beloved and I were talking a few days ago and if we were together, maybe we could look at going to and living in Seattle. So I tossed that out to the girls and right off the youngest said, "NO! I'm not going there. I like it here and don't want to move there." So then I feel guilty and selfish that I would want to move somewhere to get a fresh start and maybe be closer to places that I can study the things I want. Like how dare I want things for me, who do I think I am to want anything for myself to be happy?

Well today I was messing around with my decks and even played around with a couple of online readings, and one card that kept coming up in almost every reading was the Eight of Cups. I read the meaning the first time I drew with my Mystic Dreamer's deck. And the thing that jumped out at me was "compelling her to leave her past behind, and strike out on a new journey." Looking up the meaning in another book, it states "Just as this card shows, you now turn your back on the situation and walk away from it, as it no longer fulfills you. ...Frequently this represents something that has held you back for a long time but, due to the amount of emotional investment, you found it difficult to walk away and move on,..."

So I looked up the meaning online as well, here are somethings I've found it means:

focusing on personal truth
looking for answers
concentrating on what is important
starting on a journey of discovery
devoting more time to the spiritual
moving on
realizing the current cycle is over
abandoning a hopeless situation
disentangling yourself
letting go
finishing up and walking away
One area that will often be indicated by the appearance of this card is the sort of relationship in which you consistently give too much, and receive very little back in return.

When you are finally fed up with it and you turn to a Tarot reading to show you the way, the Eight of Cups says that it is just time to leave. When a relationship is getting abusive, when a friend is increasingly disrespectful, when a parent cannot accept you are now an adult who must make independent decisions, the Eight of Cups indicates that it is time to go.

Meanings for the card were found here, here, and here. I think I had done a total of 5 different readings, and the 8 of cups turned up in I think at least 3 of them. What I seem to be getting is that it's time for me to move on, time to walk away and start over. I can't do that here, not really. There's nothing for me here, no friends or family, not that there would be anything in Seattle if I/we moved there except for a new start and hopefully a better life. It doesn't answer what to do about my youngest. The oldest will be 18 in January, so the choice is totally hers at that point, though she has stated many times if I left now she would go with me no matter what or where.

I keep going back to the thoughts of what the reader told me back in May, and what my own readings have shown thus far. Hers said I will get out of this relationship and start anew with my beloved, mine have been showing me that I need to leave and that a new relationship is there for me.

If this is indeed the path I'm to take, I will need a lot of strength and courage to do this and deal with all the fall out from it. Especially when it comes to what happens with my youngest. I don't know what she will do or how to handle it. I would like her to be with me, but for as much as she says she wants us to leave it seems she is just as content for us to stay. Goddess help me!

Friday, July 16, 2010

I Write Like...WHO? OMG

So there's this site that my daughter told me about, and it seems to be the rage at the moment....especially for shits and giggles....But hell I love when I put in a piece of writing and I get this:

I write like
J. K. Rowling

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Want to know who you write like? Check it out here!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

While Looking for Pagan Music I Found This Band

Came across the band on YouTube looking for some Pagan music. The group's name is Omnia...this is their song "Alive!"

Hope you enjoy!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


So, Jamie's prompt this week sort of hit the target. I've been feeling like I need to really focus on things, but there's so much I need to focus on I don't know how to do it all or in what order.

Like for example...we can all agree I need to focus on getting out of here, preferably with both my girls. In order to do that, I need to focus on making some money hopefully without "HIM" knowing. I need to focus on my studies, it's obvious I can't be an herbalist if I don't study. I am feeling pulled to the Druid path, I can't explain it, but I need to study it at least for awhile. Again that requires more focus.

And here's the thing, when I try to study I just can't stay focused. My mind all the other things and so much more. When I start to focus on me, I feel guilty, and I'm called selfish that I'm only thinking of myself. I end up spending most of my time trying to make sure everyone else is happy and trying to keep the peace.

Wishcast Wednesday-Focus

Today's question by Jamie is "What do you wish to focus on?"

I've kinda been thinking about that lately. I have some many things I want to do or need to do, and I don't know what to focus on or in what order.

I feel like I need to focus on me, but then that makes me feel selfish. I need to focus on my studies (Druidry, herbalism, tarot, etc.). I want/need to focus on creating things to try to sell so I can attempt to make some income for myself.

Some how I wish to focus on all these things.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Just wow! Weekly horoscope

I've recently started following Inharmony's astrology blog. The last 2-3 weeks or so her astrology report for my sign has been pretty on the money with how I've been feeling.

Lately I've been feeling like there's going to be a shift in my Path. I've been feeling the need to start studying a particular path. Well I've been feeling quite alot of things lately, some of which I cannot put into words as I don't really understand it. But this week's reading makes alot of sense to me and I feel like it's spot on once again.

scorpio- week of 7/5-7/12
the eclipses are activating your 3rd and 9th houses of lower mind and higher mind, creating major changes in how you think and perceive the world around you. the lunar eclipse two weeks ago helped unearth any shadow around dogma or tendency to rigid or conservative thinking- and the last couple weeks have involved confronting that and releasing what needs to be released. saturday's solar eclipse falls in your 9th house, helping you to start a whole new spiritual and philosophical journey that is aligned with more of who you really are. right now or over the coming months you may find yourself traveling afar, signing up for classes, or taking a metaphysical journey of some sort. whatever it is- the purpose is to expand your understanding of the Universe, and as such also of yourself. as you liberate your mind, more of what is Truth can come to you. let go.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Juggling Isn't As Easy As He Thought It Would Be

So, it's the first of the month and we're broke... How the hell we're broke? I haven't got at damnedest clue. We've got more bills due in the next 5 days then there is money in the bank. And there's not even anything left over to buy gas or groceries. Luckily we don't need anything food wise right this second, but still...there's nothing left over.

"HE" thought, thinks "HE" can do a better job at making sure things are paid. "HE" controls all the finances now. I can't even pay a bill online without letting "HIM" know, nor can I go grocery shopping without "HIM" present since I'm not on the bank account and "HE" never put me back on. It seems "HE" firmly believes I'm the reason for the financial situation. So once the bankruptcy was final...I was never put back on the account. Yet, "HE" doesn't think that "HIS" daily $5-$8 lunches, or "HIS" at least every other day purchases of wine or a 6 pack is contributing to the mess. I figure on average, "HE" spends $40 a week on eating out when half the time there are perfectly good left overs "HE" can take for lunch.
And then factor in the $6 for a 6 pack here, or the $7 bottle of wine there (that's gone in a day or two)...and yea the shit adds up quick.

I learned at an early age...16, 18...something like that (thanks Mom) how to have to juggle money to make sure shit gets paid and still have money for food. Of course I didn't need gas money for a car back then either because A) no car/didn't drive (still don't) and B) public transportation or being able to walk to where I needed was awesome. (SHIT! I miss NY). But thanks to her and her lack of money skills...and her thought that well she raised me for 16 years so now I was supposed to take care of her mentality....I learned. And juggling finances is no easy feat...but "HE" still thinks "HE" can do better so....more power too "HIM".

The stress of it all is just too much on me. I can't take living like this, I can't take living with "HIM". I need to get outta here...soon. Well...I can wish anyway.