Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Holding Space

I had a post that was forming in my mind that would have gone very well with the prompt for today. But the Universe had other plans and instead I am holding space for my Beloved and his family.

Gramma isn't doing well. She was fine on Sunday, but yesterday was not a good day.  A trip to the  ER and an over night stay, hospice has been called. She will be home this afternoon, but her time with us is short.

It is opening old wounds ten years past. Things are different, yet the same. It's going to be a rough few days.  Best case we have a week, worst case a day or two.

Please send strength and peace to the family as she transitions from this world

Monday, October 16, 2017

October 16 - Ancestors and Altars

October 16 – If I were to build a beautiful altar to my ancestors, who would be on it? Do I know?

Hopefully back on track here with posting daily thanks to prompts. They give me a topic to write about when I feel like my own words are not enough or too much.

Today's topic is Ancestor Altars. 

Growing up Catholic and Polish, I can't say I recall either of my grandmothers having an ancestor altar in their homes.  I know my paternal grandmother would pray the rosary for the dearly departed family members on days such as their birthday, death day, or All Soul's Day. I can't recall anyone having photos or mementos along with candles and statues.

If I were to set one up, it would definitely have a statue or a couple of the Virgin Mary, maybe a saint or two as well.  Some flowers and rosaries.  Photos of my grandmothers, one of my great grandparents, perhaps even my grandfathers.  I don't know what else it would have except for maybe some candles and holy water. 

This isn't an area I am familiar with so it would really take some research to see if there is anything in my ancestral history to indicate what a Polish ancestor altar would look like. Maybe I'll add that to my list of things to research and see what I come up with.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Triple Post

I missed a couple of days, so I will make up for it in this post.

October 13 - How comfortable do I feel reveling in my own awesomeness?
I'm not!  I hate it!  Hell, 95% of the time I don't even feel like I'm awesome.  I feel less than. So no, I am not comfortable at all.

October 14 - Who else am I proud of right now? How can I express that?
My niece.  She's taking advanced classes in her first year of high school! And she is part of FFA and is raising two baby goats, one of which she will show next year.  I don't know how I can express it to her.  I don't get to see her very often. The best I can do is tell her when I see her.

October 15 - What is my dream life like?

I have dreams, don't we all.  But I feel like mine are just that, Dreams.  I don't want to hope for more because I don't want to be disappointed or feel like I failed.  If I put them out there, and I don't achieve them then I will feel like a failure.  I already feel less than, so that would just make it worse. 

It's hard for me to put things out there.  I feel like I shouldn't even voice things. I posted about my one dream on my word press blog. And now, I feel like maybe I should delete it.  Because how dare I put that out there. But then I feel like how dare I even dream that. It's an impossible dream.  One that I know won't happen.  I can use it as my happy place maybe when shit gets hard, I can go there in my mind.

If I dare, in my dream life I am finally divorced and reclaimed my name.  I have a space of my own to do my creating without being in the way. It's colorfully decorated with strings of lights all around and wind chimes hanging outside. I have my easel out there, maybe even another one to go with it. I have canvases to paint on and ones I've completed are hung on the walls. I have candles or incense burning and some Omnia on the CD player. In this dream, maybe I've sold a painting or two, perhaps I've sold a couple of my photos that maybe were just good enough.  And I have a space to write, where I can leave out my quill pens and not have to worry about the cats eating them.  Because FEATHERS!  Perhaps I have a little herb garden or planter growing, I can have some herbs hanging to dry somewhere.

I feel silly, almost childish for even have any kind of dream. I don't feel worthy of having them. 

Thursday, October 12, 2017

October 12 - Own It, It's Your Story After All

October 12 - What’s on the top of my ‘kudos to me’ list?


You should take a moment and read Kallan's post on owning your story.  Go ahead. I'll wait.

I am learning how to own my story. But honestly, I'm not sure how to do that. When I try to
change the narrative on a thing, it sounds crazy. That's probably because when I speak the truth
I've been told that I was crazy and that what I say happened isn't how it is.

All my life, I have been told by other people what the story of my life is.
My mother made to sure to tell me often I was an accident. That they weren't even sharing a
bed when I was conceived. To be honest, as I got older, I often wondered if my father was my father.
I often wondered if I was his brother's child. The only way I could prove that now would be if I did a DNA test with my cousins. The thing is though, I don't know if I would want to know.  It wouldn't change things. It would just be that my life was a lie from the beginning.

I've long been told how I was not enough.  I've been told I should have never been born.  I've gone through my life having people think I was something that I wasn't. All because of things other people said. And the people that knew they were lies.........no one, not one would ever step and say anything. No one ever told me that I wasn't any of the lies.

Learning to change the story, is hard as fuck.  Because crazy, you know.  Do you know how many times I've actually wondered if I was in fact crazy because I was made to feel I was? It sucks! It's a wonder that I didn't turn out worse. It's a wonder that I'm not an alcoholic or strung out on pills. Even when I know I am speaking the truth, all the lies in all the voices of those that spoke them scream loudly in my head. Telling me that I'm wrong, I'm crazy, that's not how the story goes.

Growing up without one positive speaking person and then marrying some one that all things should only benefit and revolve around him, it really fucks with you.  In all that time, in the younger part of my life, if I had just want person that told me a different story, I wonder what a difference it could or would have made.

Now, when someone tells me that they believe in me that I can do something. Or that something I made is really good. It is so fucking hard to believe it as truth. It's hard not to think that they are just saying these things to pacify me. That behind my back they maybe telling the "real" story about how bad it is or that I can't do shit.

You can change the narrative.
You can speak it.
Speaking and being heard, believed......seems impossible
But living it and believing it, that's a whole different ball game.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

October 11 - Voices

October 11 - When I get quiet with myself, what voices am I hearing, and what are they telling me?

I know they if you're hearing voices you should probably see a psychologist or be committed, right. 
The ones I hear aren't that kind. They don't tell me to do something horrid to others or myself.

They do, however, tell me how worthless I am.  All about my not-enough-ness.  If you have been reading here for awhile, you know what I speak of. The ones that sound like my mother, how I'm just like my father.  Stubborn, useless, lazy, scrawny.  I was shamed for being a thin child, not having meat on my bones.  My ass was too boney.  Seriously!  Who the fuck tells a small child their ass is too boney.  My mother did. If I am stubborn like my father, then I'd like to wear it like a badge of honor.  I want to take that to mean that he resisted her bullshit at times too.

Oh how she tried to make me into a mini version of herself, spewing hatred and hating everyone and everything.  But I couldn't do it. If I couldn't rationalize why I was supposed to hate a person, group, or thing because she did, I wouldn't do it. If I went against her, I'd get the silent treatment for days. Then she'd come tear up my room with a big black garbage bag and would start to get rid of my things. I used to beg and cry, but eventually I learned that none of that would work and she would just do it anyway.

She told HIM (the not soon enough to be ex) that he would regret marrying me one day. I was lazy and good for nothing, that I didn't know how to do anything.  HE told me if I ever tried to leave him with the kids, he'd have me arrested and declared unfit.  HE told me on more than one occasion that I needed to be on medication and needed to see a shrink. And maybe I did need to see someone, but not for the reasons HE said.

I've been to counselors in school.  Out of all of them, only one was actually helping and he was transferred at the end of the school year. I tried the two that followed him, but they were more like just giving us a place to get out of class.  When I worked for Blue Cross, they had one.  I tried one visit. I remember it as the office being dimly lit and him not saying much. It was awkward and uncomfortable, I never went back. I can't remember if I tried when I was in college.  I think I did, once or twice.  I wasn't what I thought it would be either.  Eventually I just gave up with trying to talk about things with professionals.

I dance with the negative voices almost daily.  Sometimes it's a win, sometimes I lose, sometimes it's a draw because I go binge on Netflix when I don't feel like arguing with them. Sometimes the voices sound like my mother, sometimes they sound like HIM, other times like one of my other former abusers.  I think I'm getting better at telling them to fuck off. But maybe not, because if I was then maybe I wouldn't be stuck so much of the time. I don't know. Maybe I'll never be rid of them. Maybe I'll never win the battle.  Only time will tell.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

October 10 - Medal

October 10 - If I could give myself a shiny medal for anything this year so far what would it be for?

Do I deserve a medal for anything?

I don't feel like I do.  Not for anything I've accomplished, because I don't feel like
I have accomplished much of anything.

Maybe a medal for procrastination?  Is that a thing?  I'm not proud of it, but I could
certainly win it.

Remember I said I was going to start The Artist's Way?
I haven't done a thing.
I still haven't finished reading the first chapter.

Remember that art journal project I mentioned
Pages are still blank for the last 9 days.

That canvas
Still blank

It's "Prep-tober" for NaNo
Still no clue what I'm doing, nothing prepped.

So yep, the medal for procrastination goes to............ME!

(image found on Google)


October 9 - The Title of My Life

October 9 - If my life were a novel, what would it be called?

GAAAAAAAAAAAH!  I put this in my drafts and forgot to finish and post it.

I feel like I might have wrote a post once in which I came up with some titles.  But I can't recall for sure.

Some options I've thought of:

The Mistakes I've Made
Things You Shouldn't Do
If I Could Do It All Again
The Beautiful Mess That Is My Life

I suck at titles if you haven't noticed.  Even at titling a post, I struggle.
I wonder how authors come up with the title for a book.  I know some can
be quite obvious like the titles for the Maximum Ride series by James Patterson.

Those are mostly snarky titles, I would say.  If I dug deep, if thought about what
I really wanted to tell about my life thus far. It might be something like
"How I Survived Being Raised By A Narcissist"

But truthfully, I don't know what I would call because I haven't written it.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

October 8 - Who Am I

October 8 - Who am I, really? Right now. This moment.

I.Don't.Know.

Seriously. I don't have an answer.

I am everything
I am nothing
I am no one
I am every one that has come before me

I am an artist
even when I don't make art

I am a writer
even when I don't write

I am a photographer
even when I don't touch my camera for days
or weeks

I am a lover
a fighter
a girlfriend
a survivor
a friend
a mother

I was someone's daughter
granddaughter
a niece
a cousin

I am a moon gazing Goddess lover
I am a Pagan
a witch
a druid
a lover of the old ways

love me
hate me
I.AM.ME.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

October 7 - "Catch" and Release

October 7 - What needs releasing? What needs hanging on to?


Releasing:

  • Old habits
  • Old hurts
  • Anger at certain things or people
  • Things that no longer serve me 
I try to let things do, I really do.  It's a work in progress.  There are times I think I've released something, then there's a trigger and the wounds are reopened.  The angers flare. 


Hold On To:

  • The ones that I love
  • My fondest memories of my Grandma, my children, my childhood
  • The big one..........My Dreams.


I've let go of far too many of my dreams for other people. I've let others dictate my story, my life for so long.  I am on the road to changing the narrative.  It's a long road that began a few years ago. I still have such a long way to go.  There are set backs, thanks to the triggers.  But progress is being made.

I feel like there is so much more I should be writing.  But I think I am overthinking the prompt. So I'll just quit while I am ahead and keep it simple.

Friday, October 6, 2017

October 6 - Last Quarter Plans

October 6 - What are my plans for the last few months of the year?

Today's prompt is what's the plan for the rest of the year.

It should be the same as what I planned for the beginning of the year. It should be
the things I was supposed to be doing all year to start with. 

But my sorry procrastinating ass doesn't do even half of what I plan to do at the beginning
of each year.  This year, I don't even feel like I over loaded myself with things I wanted to do.
And I've gotten next to nothing accomplished!  I'm so sick and tired of not doing the things I want
to do.

I'm sick of not writing.
I'm sick of not painting.
I'm sick of not journaling.
I'm sick of not learning.

I want to create.
I want to write.
I want to paint.
I want to study.
I want to learn.

So, for the remainder of the year the plan is to do the things I've been wanting to do and to catch
up on the things I have fallen behind on.  I know I won't get it all done, but hopefully I can make
a dent in it.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

October 5 - Would I Do Anything Different?

October 5 - If I could do anything differently right now, what would it be?


YES!
NO!
MAYBE?
I don't fucking know!!!!

Seriously, I don't know.

As I was writing my Wordpress post, I though I knew the answer. 
The more I thought about it, the less sure I was of my answer.
Even now, I'm unsure.

I think well IF I didn't marry him, I would not have my kids.
Then I think, well IF they were meant to be born I would have had them
with who ever I married.
If I had stood my ground, followed my heart, maybe I'd have a degree. 
Maybe I'd be working in a different field from the ones I ended up in.
But then I think, well I wouldn't have had the joy of knowing some of the
people that came into my life.

But maybe if I stood my ground when I ended a relationship I wouldn't have
been held at gun point and knife point on two separated occasions. Maybe if I
stood up for myself, people wouldn't have treated me the way they did.

Maybe things happened for me to learn from.  I could have really gone
without some of those supposed lessons.  I think I learned more how to be
afraid and to become extremely introverted than anything else.  I don't
see that as useful lessons.

There are things I would change, but I don't know if I would change how I did them.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

October 4 - What Am I Proud Of?

October 4 - What am I super proud of?

I might have mentioned a few times I hate tooting my own horn and such.

But I am really proud of myself for finishing my very first canvas.  It was piece that
Whitney Freya taught in her free Rise Above class a few weeks ago.  She taught about painting with
intention and the image we created was that of a butterfly.

I kept thinking my piece was too dark, too childish, too coloring book like. To simplistic. But hey it's a butterfly.  And it's my first time painting like this.  I had fun. I really enjoyed painting on the canvas. More than I thought I would.  I can't wait to do my next canvas.

So that's my proud moment of the week.

(please forgive the briefness of the post.  I'm tired again today, the weather change is hitting me.  The chilly temps and the windy days are starting to wear a bit.  Even if I am totally enjoying sweat shirt weather.)

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

October 3 - Gratitude

October 3 - What do I have to be grateful for?


Gratitude is in the little things.
The dragonfly that buzzes by and lands near you.
The butterfly that lands on a beautiful flower.
The abundance you harvest from the garden.
The smile from a stranger when YOU offer a helping hand.

A shoulder to cry on.
A good belly laugh that leaves you gasping for breathe.
A toddler dancing to the beat of their own song.
Puppy kisses
Kitty purrs

A grandparent celebrating another year of life
Your child's smile
The sound of the rain
The whispers of the wind
The warmth of sunshine
The glow of the Moon

There is so much to be grateful for, if only we take a moment to see it.

Thanking someone and letting them know you are grateful for them can
go a long way.

Thank You!  I'm grateful you are here.

Monday, October 2, 2017

October 2 - Hope

October 2 - What are my hopes for the coming month?


The hope is to continue with blogging daily.  Thank goodness for prompts, they help with foggy brain. Of course forming words to go with said prompt can be a whole other challenge.  There have been and I'm sure there will be days where I paste in the prompt and let it sit on the page while I putter around.  Some days take me longer to put words together than others.

I'm hoping to get started on "A Year With My Muse".  I pulled out my "faux-skine" last night but drew a blank as to what the hell to do.  So I just wrote a page in it about what I hope for it to be.  Not to sure on the quality of the paper, standard writing with most pens don't seem to have much of a bleed through. But to art in, I haven't a clue. Don't know yet if I will have to be gluing 2 pages together or not for strenghtening purposes.

Of course there is the hope of coming to the easel on a more regular basis.  My current WIP is just about done.  I am so excited to have almost finished my first canvas.

I am also hoping to do some "Prep-tober" for NaNo.  Prepping for me is developing and naming my characters, locations, if there is any sort of magic use, and getting some semblance of a plot-story line figured out.  I might look for images of characters and places, maybe put together a music play list.  Sketch out a map if I need one.  And that is the extent of my planning.  I'm not an outliner.  I'm a panster.  I write by the seat of my pants.

These are my creative hopes at least. 

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Day 1 - Happy October!!

October 1 - What worked for me last month? What will I carry over into this month?

Can you believe it? We are officially in the last quarter of the year! Where did the time go? 
It's officially my birthday month!  The day I try to ignore and pretend it isn't on the calendar or it's just another day. But no one will play along!  They insist on making a big deal out of it.   *SIGH!*
My Babci used to say your birthday was the whole week.  I think she made that up! Mostly because I think I was an answer to her prayers and my birthday was a 4 days before hers.  So I was her gift. And of course celebrating my week meant it rolled right on into hers.  I want to change my thinking on this, after all I'm going to be the big 4-8. So why not celebrate the whole damn month! At the end we get candy, cuz Halloween yo!

Okay, enough of being cheesy.  On to the prompt from Effy Wild's PDF of October Prompts.

What worked?
Well........I end up spending most of my day in front of my computer for no good reason really. This last month of nudges and the challenge from Effy made me turn it into something productive. I committed to a challenge and I did it, twice over by posting on two blogs. It showed me that I can do it.  That I can complete a challenge.  That I can write (every day).  That I can focus and do a thing that I want to do.

What am I going to carry over?
Hopefully that same determination that I went into September with. I want to continue with blogging daily as much as I can.  Effy ever so kindly provided a list of prompts for this month to work with.  I hope to carry it further by doing a personal challenge I am calling "A Year With My Muse". And then on into November for NaNoWriMo.  Who knows where it could lead to so long as I maintain my determination and focus.


Saturday, September 30, 2017

Day 30 - Celebrate!


Today’s Nudge: Celebrate.

So here we are on day 30.  30 days, 30 posts.  In my case, I did it times two, so 60 posts. It really feels good to have blogged for 30 days.

It is a good reason to celebrate. I completed something. I stuck with it.  
Did I waver? Sure. There were a few times I almost didn't post. But I was determined to complete something this year.

So yep, I did a thing. Every Day!
I hope to keep going next month. It's the plan anyway. There is PDF of prompts for October that can be found over on Effy's blog post for today.

Thank you for joining me on this 30 day blog along.
I look forward to reading more from those of you I met along the way.






Friday, September 29, 2017

Day 29 - Recap

Today’s Nudge: Recap the month.

“In many shamanic societies, if you came to a medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions: "When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop being comforted by the sweet territory of silence?”

― Gabrielle Roth

As I was writing my post for my Wordpress blog, this quote came to mind.  It's sums up Effy and this entire month of blog postings. With a gentle nudge every day she prompted us with a question.  It was our choice to use the nudge or not for our posts. I only deviated once.  Whether she knows it or not, she was the medicine woman this month. 

By her prompts, nudges, I dug a little.  Not as far as I would like to have dug, but that gentle digging you do when you are planting flowers in a flower bed.  With a little trowel you sit and you dig little holes to plant seeds or small plants in hopes that they grow into something beautiful.  This month as sort of felt like tending a garden that has been a little neglected, under watered and weeds creeping in.

It has made me realize that I am still in people pleaser mode.  Don't type, you're typing too loud.  Don't paint faces with eyes, it's too creepy to have your paintings staring out off the canvas or paper.  Don't sing, don't dance, don't don't don't.  Do what you want but don't do that.  I know we all have to live in harmony and do things to make other people happy.  But why does everything come at the expense of our own joy?

                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have really enjoyed posting every day, and on two blogs no less.  I don't know yet how I will continue in October and beyond.  The prompts from Effy end tomorrow.  I know there are other monthly prompts, themes out there. I don't know if there are any that make you go as deep as these. I guess we will find out in a couple of days, won't we.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Day 28 - Where Am I?

Today’s Nudge: Where are you at with romance, love, sex, etc.?
Alternative prompt: Where are you at?


Using the alt-prompt.  
Answer: I don't know.  

As I wrote on my Wordpress post, the following possibilities are I'm Lost, Adrift, Lonely (for a Tribe).  All of the above? Probably, maybe, yes.  I don't know.

I feel like a wandering nomad just going in circles. No rhyme or reason.  Just going from circle to circle within a circle.  No direction.  

There are things I want to be doing, should be doing, long to be doing.  Some days the energy level just isn't there other than to exist for the day.  Some days, I can't form cohesive thoughts or words or actions to do anything worth while.  

I keep waiting for some divine zap of inspiration out of the cosmos.  Some swift kick in the arse to get me to let go of the fears. 

You know what?  They aren't coming.  I keep dancing this dance and I'm getting, NO! I am tired of it.

My Muse isn't going to come to me, I'm going to have to go hunt the bitch down and drag her arse back to me kicking and screaming.  I will make a sign for the door and close it if I want to be left to the creative madness in peace.

I have 6 new bigger canvases waiting to be used. One smaller one that I have had for I don't know how long.  The other that was in the pack is actually on the easel with a painting in progress.  I have a stack of journals waiting to be used. Some still blank, others in various states of being filled.  I keep buying more, especially if the price is too good to pass up.  But then all they do is get added to a pile.  

Here's the thing. I'm going to be 48 next month.  50 in two years.  And I'm still waiting around sitting on my arse, letting fear control what I do or don't do.  For Fuck Sakes enough already.  No one is going to make the changes for me.  The fears are not going to one day say "Oh we're bored with this one, time to move on". 

I don't have the money to do all that I want to do.  But I can use what I have and begin where I am.  I can figure out how to afford to legally change my name back.  Because honestly, I don't know if or when he'll ever grant me a divorce.  I don't have the means to buy a shed or the supplies to build on to make into an art studio.  I will have to make my corner work.  

Pain or no pain, energy or no energy, money or none, Fear....FUCK YOU!  I cannot just sit by and watch the world and the days go by anymore.  

On WP, I said I think I am in a place of transition.  And maybe I am.  I probably am.  I feel like I am heading that way.  But I am at a fork in the road.  The one leads to great things that I create and the life I dream about, the other leads to staying in the same damn wandering circle.  I have a choice to make.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Day 27 - On Being Human

Today’s Nudge: Share a human moment you’ve had recently.


I feel things deeply, sometimes too deeply.  Sometimes everything just feels heavy, or my heart will physically ache with the hurt and suffering going on.  In those moments, I have to step away from social media. And then I'll usually binge watch something for hours.  Grey's Anatomy, Call The Midwife, Outlander.  I should be going to my easel and/or art journal and painting it out. Or write it out.  But for now a cup of tea and binging on a show is how I cope.

I have no way to help those that are hurting and in need right now.  Love and light, thoughts and prayers do nothing to aide them.  People are dying in earthquakes, floods, fires, and hurricanes. But we can't be fucking human enough to lend a helping hand and perhaps save a life. 

*kicks soapbox back in the corner*

I am going to make a conscious effort that when ever I am out I will try to do something human(e). Last week it was helping the elderly gentleman on oxygen.  A month ago, it was helping a lady who bought a cart load of stuff at Ross, but couldn't get it all to her car because she was on crutches.  Three of us, strangers, jumped in to help her get everything to her vehicle.  And you know what? I didn't hurt me in the least to offer and do one simple act of kindness.

So many times when I do get to go out, I am so wrapped up in my own world and thoughts.  I fail to pay attention to what is happening around me.  I turn away at the person on the street corner asking for a hand out.  But the simple answer is, the ones I see are there.  ALL.THE.TIME.  With the same sign, day after day, week after week.  Sometimes a couple of months go by and the same person is still on the same corner asking for 'gas money' to get to some distant place.  They give those who truly need a helping hand or a few bucks a bad name.  

But I'm deviating here.  When I go out, I want to go with eye and ears open.  I want to be able to offer someone that one small shred of humanity.  To show some that there are still good people in this world.  I can't help financially or physically to those places that are so desperately in need.  But when I am out and about, I can do some RAK for a strange in my midst.  It costs nothing to be human.  

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Day 26 - Wants, Then and Now

Today’s nudge: Compare what you used to want with what you presently want.

I used to want a lot of things.  But then life happened and I grew, reality set in.  Looking back now, some of things I wanted then look nothing like the things I want now.  Or perhaps they are the same, just slightly different?  More mature, wiser even?

I used to not want to be the black sheep, the odd person out.  The wallflower.  The square peg.  I have never been truly accepted based off of who I am.  I've always been judged by the deeds of my mother.  I thought leaving NY would shed that feeling, but it didn't. I would try to fit in, say the right things, jump through hoops to please people.  

Now, well....I just don't give a shit.  Okay, I do, but not like I used to.  I won't jump hoops for anyone any more.  I won't agree with you or say things to appease you. I would be happy to have a small tribe that get me and we all get along.  We can have different views and ideas, but we are open to discuss and debate and still remain friends in the end. I just want to be accepted and appreciated for who I am or who I am trying to figure out I am.

When I was little, I said I would never get married.  My living example of a marriage was tumultuous.  Alcoholic father, narcissistic mother - such a volatile combination.  Sure I had my grandparents as an example.  But get married I did.  If knew then, what I knew now I probably would have never done it.  That's not to say it wouldn't have happened eventually, I dunno.  But I did it.  I got two beautiful girls out of it, the only good thing to happen out of it.  I gave up my hopes and dreams for him, so he could do the things he wanted.  I supported every decisions, even the ones I disagreed with.  But I wasn't ever granted the same in return. The only thing that piece of paper does is grants you some benefits you might not otherwise be entitled to. 

What do I want now?  To just live a happy, healthy, satisfied life.  To be liked for who I am and not who you want me to be.  To have a small group of close knit people, to have a person.  You know like Meredith and Christina.  I want to live my dreams.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Day 25 - A Way I've Changed

Today’s nudge: Write about a way in which you have changed over the years.

Change?  I don't do change well.  It's right up there with bragging on myself you know.  The more I try to change, the more I think I stay the same.  Out of fear.

I don't fit in, not well.  I'm like that square peg trying to wedge myself into a round hole.  I never felt like I fit in with my family growing up.  I never fit in with the ex that's not yet an ex's family.  I don't really feel like I fit any where.  Even now.  It sucks!

Every time I try to make changes, I feel like I end up going backwards instead of forwards.  I second guess every move, every choice, every decision.  I've been conditioned since I was child to doubt and that I didn't know anything. I've been conditioned to believe I am not good enough and nothing that I do will ever be good enough, no matter how hard I try.

SO! I am trying my damnedest to change that line of thinking. The first step towards that end was leaving the ex that's not yet an ex.  Before that, it was not pursuing my mother when she stopped speaking to me.  I no longer served a purpose for her, so she wanted nothing to do with me. If it had been done on my terms I would have been labeled an ungrateful bitch.  But, guess what.  I was still labeled that even though it was done on her terms.  Funny how that happened, eh.

Trying to be a more authentic version of myself is difficult because it offends and pisses off people. You know like how dare I want to be me, to be true to myself, to stand up for what I believe in, to speak my mind. How dare I have an opinion!

So I don't know if I have changed, at least outwardly.  Perhaps inward, in some of my thinking.  Change is a work in progress.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Day 24 - Something You're Proud Of

Today’s Nudge: Share something you’re proud of.


I hate bragging, tooting my own horn, patting myself on the back.  It's too hard, and when you've been told often that you're too big for your britches or something along those lines.  Well, you just avoid doing it.

If I have to say something, I'd say I was proud of myself for finding the courage to leave the Not Soon Enough To Be Ex.  I'm proud of my daughters.  I'm proud of my heritage.  That one is a tough one to say.  My mother did her best to try and make me hate my roots.  I'm proud of the art I have created thus far.  It may not be gallery worthy, but I made it and it's something I would never have dreamed of doing 20 years ago.

I'm sure there is more I could say if I give it enough thought.  But, I'm tired and I'm in pain (again, still) (stupid back pain!)

Geez how in the hell am I going to come up with stuff for a weekly "Sunday Shiny" if I can't even say one simple thing I'm proud of without feeling guilty! 

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Day 23 - What Is Sacred?

Today’s Nudge: Post about something that’s sacred to you.


Effy asked us to day what is sacred.  For me, there are lots of things.

  • My Books
  • My Journals, both art and writing
  • My Pens.  I will cut you if you mess with my pens.  Okay I'd just get loud if you lose or break one.
  • My Art Supplies
  • My Genealogy Work
  • My Photo and Albums that I created for my genealogy.
  • My Art and My Writing
  • My Rosary collection
  • My Grandmother's memory and her faith in the Virgin Mary
I could probably go one a bit more.  What isn't on that list of sacred things, is my personal space. I have never had my personal space/bubble/boundaries respected.  Even as a kid, my mother thought nothing of going through my room and my things to find "evidence" of wrong doing.  She'd read my diary, go through my book bag and all my note books. I think that is part of the reason why I have such a hard time keeping up with a daily journal practice. She scarred me with her snooping

If I tried to have a space of my own to sit and create, people have had no qualms about just barging in and interrupting or trying to hover over my shoulder and asking a million questions.  Plainly stating that I'm going to try and work on something and didn't wish to be disturbed was pointless.  I might as well had a sign up that said come on in, don't mind me.  Why is so fucking hard for people to understand and respect someone's boundaries or space? I don't invade your shit, don't invade mine! It really is a sore spot with me.  But I won't get on my soap box and rant about it any more than I already have. Do you think signs like these might help in the future? (Images found on Google)








Friday, September 22, 2017

Day 22 - Blessed Mabon

Today’s Nudge: Post something seasonal.


Blessed Mabon, Blessed Alban Elfed.  Happy Fall Y'all!  Or Happy Spring if you're in the Southern Hemisphere. 

Fall is my favorite time of the year.  The leaves change to all these beautiful colors. It's squash season!  I love squash!! And sweet potatoes are coming into season too.  YUM!!! 

If you are interested in learning more about Alban Elfed, The Druid's Garden has a wonderful article on it.  A quick search on the Google for either Mabon or Alban Elfed will turn up a plethora of articles.

Wishing you all much happiness and prosperity on this harvest season.


Thursday, September 21, 2017

Day 21 - Resource

Today’s Nudge: Pick something from The Daily Post to blog about OR share a resource you really like with your readership. 

So I completely spaced the B&W challenge I thought of starting today.  
It was supposed to be a kind of busy day, but things didn't happen that were supposed to happen.
Those things are supposed to be rescheduled but we don't know when.

Okay, so the nudge.  If you are new to blogging or even if you aren't, checking out The Daily Post might 
be a good idea.  There looks to be some really great posts on there about blogging, photography, and several 
other topics.  I'm not new at blogging, but a few posts caught my eye and when I have some time I plan to 
read through them.

Pintrest is one of my favorite rabbit holes to explore.  Sometimes I really get lost on there!

Another favorite resource is Goggle Image Search.  I also sometimes fall down that rabbit hole too.

When I am in my writing mode of mind, and I'm looking for name ideas one of my favorite places to go to 
is Seventh Sanctum . I've spent a lot of hours on there using the generators. 

So there's a few of my favorite resources.  What are some of yours?

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Day 20 - Challenge

Today’s Nudge: Create a contest or challenge for your readership.


I don't have anything to offer by way of a contest. I thought maybe to go with a challenge.

But what kind of challenge?  I'm terrible at following through with them myself.

I either fail to start or fail to finish.  One or the other.

I've tried a number of them, more than once.  Even some self imposed challenges.  And I never 
seem to finish them.

This blog along is the first that I've been consecutive at. There have been a few days where I didn't
want to post, or I felt too tired to think straight.  But I did it anyway. I aim to complete this challenge!

I always see ones going around on Instagram.  A reading challenge, a photo challenge, a post challenge.
I like the B&W for 7 days one that is going around.  I just find it so hard to commit to any of them, no matter 
how fun or cool they sound.

I think part of it comes down to I hate answering questions about what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.  
It sometimes makes me feel like I need permission to do a thing.  I hate that!

My challenge to you then is this, pick a thing you have been wanting to do.  Writing, painting, journaling, etc.
And commit to doing it for the next 7 days.  I, in turn, will do the same.  Challenge starts tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Day 18 - Feature

Today’s Nudge: Feature one or two people who do what you do but in a different way in your blog today.


I don't paint the way she does.  I don't even feel like I have the skill set to do it.  Maybe I will if one day I get to take one of her classes.  But right now one of the artists I really admire is Shiloh Sophia.  Her iconic style (at least that what I see it is, I don't know if that is the proper name for it) of painting is so very awe inspiring.

I also a big fan of Effy Wild's work.  Her style of art journaling is so beautiful.  She makes it look so easy.  
Then here is Tamara LaPorte and her whimsy style art girls.  That's three! 

Of course there are a few more I admire.  Some I've mentioned in a previous post.  There is something learn and take away from all of these talented ladies.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Day 18 - Life Hacks

Today’s Nudge: Share a Life Hack. (Life Hack is defined in a link in today's post


Life hack(s).  Hmmmm.  I can't say that I have any.  Or at least none that I can think of.

I used to try and find short cuts, use a planner, be more organized.  But I don't think it is in my 
nature for such things.  I find I use a planner more for things I might accomplish rather than things
I need to do. Or more as a diary to remember things that happened without having to journal it out
unless I really needed to.

I seriously can't think of anything to call a life hack for this post.  
So frustrating.

I'm not an organized person.  One look at my art table will tell you that. LOL
BUT, when it comes to preparing for something BIG like a trip.  I make lists. Lots of lists.
Then I will lay out items from said list if applicable. As I pack or purchase to be packed I check them off
said list(s).

So if I have to say anything, LISTS are my life hack.  I have a running list of art supplies I want. Another of books 
I want.  One of Tarot decks.  One of decor items I might want/need.  Lists of World of Warcraft related things, like pets I want to tame on my hunter, achievements I want to do on my druid. I make lists of best in slot gear, rotations for healing.

So okay there....my life hack....LISTS :)

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Day 17 - Showing Off!

Today’s Nudge: Show off without apologizing.
Optional nudge: Start a blog series that you can commit to updating regularly that will help you build your community.


Show off without apology? YIKES! 
Or start a blog series?  Double YIKES!

I was always told not to show off.  If I did, I was knocked down to size pretty quick.  Or told I was too big for my britches.  Who the hell did I think I was?  Etc and so on.  So to brag, or pat myself on the back for accomplishing something, making something wonderful...doesn't come easy. AT ALL!

If I make a really good meal, I can't take a compliment.  I have to point out all the things I think is wrong with the dish.  Saying thank you and feeling good about it, that is rare for me.  If I make a thing, it's the same.  I point out all the problems, that I should have done this or that.  Dress up?  Same thing.  I don't have much of a self esteem.  I am quite insecure about just about everything.  I don't think there is anything that I don't have some level of insecurity over.  It's annoying AF!

Maybe, when this blog along is over, I can do something like "Sunday Shinnies".  Where I post about the "Oh Shiny!" things that happened over the week or something I made.  I dunno.  We'll see.  

But the nudge to show off something.  Okay how about some of my favorite photos I took?

Fall is in the air

Flight

Flood Waters - Boise River

Let's Have A Kiss
Sally and MinniBell

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Day 16 - Trust

Today’s Nudge: Dig something really good out of your archived writings, or write about trust.


If you have been following and reading along from the beginning, it's no secret that I have trust issues. I suppose once upon a time I was overly trusting.  Trusting those in authority, trusting family, trusting those I gave my heart and/or friendship too.  Time and again, the trust I gave so freely was crushed to bits until one day there was none left to give.

See, I trusted my mother to protect me and be there for me.  Instead, she was a narcissist who tried to live through me.  It was as though I was an extension of her to live through.  She would push me to stay in a physically abusive relationship.  Every time I ended it, she would want to find him so we could get back together. I never understood why she would want that for me.  It was after he held me at knife point that it finally hit her that I needed to be away from him.

Then I met someone, who I thought I wanted to spend my life with.  I was young and naive, and didn't realize I was getting into a controlling relationship.  It was about four months before our wedding that we got into an argument.  I don't remember what it was about.  But he pulled his arm back like he was going to punch me.  I stood up as tall as I could compared to his larger size and told him coldly, "If wants to hit me to go ahead and hit me.  But I'll be the last bitch he ever laid a hand on." I don't know what made him stop, but he lowered his hand and walked away.  Not long after that, I ended it with him.  I wasn't going to be allowed out with friends.  If I went out, he needed a full itinerary and list of people I was going with. Then he'd want to go with me, even if it was a girl's night out.  NOPE! I got out of that. 

I have had a number of "friends" who only knew me when they needed me, other wise I wasn't even a blip on the radar.  If I needed them, they never had time or wanted to get involved. Then there was the one who was around all the time, smothering and trying to take over.  Actually there were two like that, and if I tried to gain some space I was hurtful and ungrateful.

Then there was the 'EX that isn't an ex yet".  I fell into that one hard, believed all the promises.  I ended up marrying a narcissist.  A term I didn't even know existed until a couple of years ago.  Every friendship I tried to build, he found a way to make me end it.  He didn't want me having friends.  How else do you control someone? Right.

So I built walls around me and my heart.  I become cold and didn't trust anyone. I didn't think I could ever trust again. But someone came along and chipped away at my walls, showed me that I could trust.  And now I am learning how to do that again.  I still won't give myself away freely like I used to.  I am still extremely hesitant to even budge on trust.  But I do try.  Maybe someday I won't be so afraid.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Day 15 - What Do I Know For Sure

Today’s Nudge: What’s something you know for sure?

I have no answer for that, because I am always so uncertain.
I doubt, I have fears, I second guess, etc.
I know I procrastinate and overthink.
But I don't think those are quite the answer.

I know choose to be Pagan was probably one of the better choices
I made.  Do I doubt or question sometimes, sure.  But, I still think it is
right for me.

Leaving my ex.  I know for sure it was right.  I don't feel like I have to walk
on eggshells all the time.  I'm still recovering from the aftermath of living with a
narcissist, and probably dealing with PTSD or C-PTSD.  I hate that my
girls chose to stay back there, it hurts.  But I know what I did was right for me.

I know that I am happiest when I am creating. I bought some new art supplies this
week.  THANK YOU COUPONS!!!!!!  And the clearance rack!

I really want to write a good post, but my brain and I are so tired.  So.so.tired!
So rather than ramble and fish for words I will say good night.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Day 14 - A Secret

Today’s Nudge: Share something that isn’t widely known about you.


I can't really think of anything that would apply to the prompt.  I've been pretty open on here, or as willing to share as I feel comfortable with.

I'm actually just too damn tired to even think.  The last couple of days I've slept like shit.  I've been up since before five this morning.  I tried to take a nap, which I hate to do, but I couldn't even do that. 

Hopefully tonight will be a little better. HOPEFULLY! And then I can get back to normal writing of posts.