When Anxiety Strikes

I knew it was coming, the signs were there. I just did not make a connection right off. It started with my stomach being all weird. I thought it was something I ate at first. I did the check list of "did I have too much spicy food? too much greasy food? too much tomato based foods?" Nope, nope, and nope. But even the mildest foods made it buggy. So lots of Sprite, Ginger Ale, soup, and Rice with veggies was in order. Crackers and ranch dip seemed okay too. Sounds delish, right? Well, for those handful of days it was.

Then Tuesday I got hit with the feeling of a baby elephant sitting on my chest. My sternum hurt and deep breaths were not to be had. I started thinking and knew it was anxiety flare up. All the "ME TOO" stuff triggered me. Stuff I had buried and forgotten got churned up. Things I had not given much credence to back then I started to see in a new light. Even though I know I am in a safe place, I have been triggered and the first signs of anxiety attacks are rearing their ugly heads.

It is not fun. Every time I think it is finally waning, it flares back up again. I am trying my damnedest to keep it under control. There is not a whole lot I can really do to keep it at bay. If it wants to hit, it will hit. But I am paying attention and trying things with self care to see what might work.

It has effected my writing. I am about two thousand words behind target. When the pain and breathing difficulty started on Tuesday, that is when the word count took a hit. I have been out of focus, but trying to get back on track.

Until I looked at the calendar tonight and realized what date Thanksgiving was this year. Felt like the wind got taken out of my sails a bit. Thursday will be exactly eleven years to the day that my Grandma died. I mean Thanksgiving has been a rough day ever since she passed on it, but this is the exact date. Sometimes it is hard to believe she is gone eleven years already. Other times it feels like an eternity.

Thursday will be even more of a sad day around here with it being the first Thanksgiving that his Gramma won't be with us. She passed away last month, fifteen days after her 97th birthday. Holidays will not be the same without her here. Even with dementia she was still a little snarky spit fire of a lady.

Hospice grief support letter says you do not have to do things if you do not want to. If it is too much to do a holiday event, then do not do it. Or start a new tradition. In my opinion, you do not have to do normal. Do what is comfortable. Do what you are able.

When my Grandma died, I wanted to stop everything. I did not want to do Thanksgiving. But I had to. One, she made me promise to do it no matter what and Two, dinner was cooking in the oven. I did not want to do Christmas. But the girls were at the age where it was important for them. So we did Christmas. I did not send out cards to friends and family like I normally would have. It took all I had in me just do a family Christmas. The following year though, when I resumed sending cards. Many did not reciprocate. And the year after that, it was the same or worse with people not reciprocating. It felt like a slap in the face because I was grieving and could not bring myself to do "the normal". I make no apologizes! None at all! I did all I could handle without losing my shit that year.

It does not really get easier. You just learn to cope, adjust. Some times I ask myself why I even try to do National Novel Writing Month knowing full well what I will face emotionally that third week. I do not have a solid answer. But I have decided to stop using it as a reason not to write. She would not want me to give up or stop just because she died. And I do not think for one moment that if Granny knew I wanted to write a story that she would let me just fall into that dark space. She would probably tell me to put on my big girl panties, dry my eyes, and get to work.

These two women were less than a month apart in age. There was times I could have seen my Grandma and Granny being good friends if they had the opportunity to meet.

I know this week is going to be rough and I am already triggered and dealing with an anxiety flare up. But I have can't let it win. So I will blog, I will practice self care as best I can, I will talk if I need to. I will cry if I need to. And I will write! Write, write, write!