It is day twenty four of National Novel Writing Month and I am losing steam here. This week was just busy busy busy with Thanksgiving stuff. Then yesterday was of course the big turkey day. We tried to be festive but when you recently suffered a loss of a loved one it is hard.
We went around the table and shared a memory about Granny. It is their first holiday without her. And yesterday being eleven years to the day that I lost my own Grandma, I was not sure if I was going to make it through saying whatever I was going to say. Lucky for me I ended up last in the line and held my shit together to say something. I have only known her a short seven years. By the time I met her, dementia was taking hold. Luckily I got to see her on a lot of her good days, but I also saw how it was taking away her memories even in that short of time. I was glad to know that at the end she knew me and that is something I will hold in my heart.
It was really hard to hold it together yesterday though. There were so many times I just wanted to go off and cry. But I did not do it, I kept it together. I can't decide if I should be angry because I did not cry or happy about it. Sometimes, it is hard to know. What I do know is that if I did cry, I probably would have gotten other people crying which might have been a bad thing. And crying when you have a cold is even worse. So maybe just for yesterday, it was good that I did not cry.
So yeah, I think I have some sort of head cold thing going on. I knew I had been dancing with it on and off, it could not decide if it wanted to manifest or not. Of course, it has to decide to do so for Thanksgiving day! It sucked not being able to really taste all the delicious food. I mean I could taste but it was off. I tried to make a recipe my mother's mother used to make every holiday. Just a small batch to make sure I did not forget how. And of course, the cold messes me up and I can't tell if I got the flavor right. I am still eating it anyway damn it!! It tasted okay, but I think I did not put enough of something in it. Maybe more salt, maybe more mushrooms. Could have even needed more pepper. Really not sure.
Well this stupid cold is not even sure how it wants to be. Not really stuffy, not really coughing (until now, which is like a tickle and annoying). I wake up feeling like I have a rock wrapped with brillo in my throat, but after I get some fluids (coffee!) going, it does start to loosen and is not as bad. After a couple of hours that part usually does not even feel the same and I do not sound like a cartoon character.
But being under the weather, coupled with holiday events and missing loved ones is just making it really hard to write. I dunno, maybe I need to just push through and try to muster up words. I have fallen about six thousand words behind. I will need to write about twenty three hundred words a day for the next week to make goal and win. Part of me wants to say screw it and stay in bed and get better. Part me wants to say quit being a pansy ass and just write. But what to do when the words will not come?
All I can say for this moment, right now, it is time for some NyQuil and to dowse myself in Vicks Rub and try to sleep. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.
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