Saturday, March 21, 2015

Ostara Blessings and Catching Up

Blessings on this Spring Equinox/Ostara weekend!!  I spent my day yesterday watching a new born calf take its first breath.  It was beautiful and amazing.  Watched as it struggled to take its first steps.  The mom and calf have been taken to a neighboring farm though as she has had trouble with her calves suckling in the past.  So to nip things in the bud they are helping her early rather than wait until a problem develops.  But momma and baby are doing well.  Oddly enough, this cow wasn't even due to deliver yet.  I think they figured on her needing a couple more weeks.  We pretty much saw her water break and her go into labor.  She had it rather quickly and it is average in size which is roughly 75 lbs.  They have had one rather large calf born estimated to be over 100 lbs, that momma nearly needed to have help delivering.  And then there was a small one born probably close to 50 lbs and she's been named Pixie.

Things around here are starting to settle back into a state of normal.  Sister #1 has finally moved into a place with her man and boy child.  Girl child will remain here to finish out the school year which ends in May.  There was some drama around there move.  End of February they moved to the property of the house with the idea that her man would help his cousin prep and make repairs to the house the cousin was moving to.  Well cousin was in no hurry to vacate the house they were to have and dragged his feet on things.  The cousin and Sister#1's man nearly got into blows and had a big argument.  Needless to say a week or so later they were back here for another 2 weeks or so.  The day came for that cousin of his to move and he kept making excuses.  Finally the owner of both houses, who is a friend to them, stepped in and all but forcibly had him moved out of the house.  They at last are finally settled in and are just about completely moved out of here.

I can't believe that my mother has been gone a year already.  I still have not shed any tears over it.  I can't.  I have been in communications with a cousin I haven't spoken to in probably 30 years.  And her take on it is that I got my closure and did my mourning years ago when my mother cut me out of her life.  Which if I think about it, does make sense.  I went through all the emotions during that period of time.  She, had a similar experience with her father (my mother's older brother).  She had been estranged from him for some years before his death.  When he was dying, she said a health care worker called her and said she should come see him as he didn't have long.  My cousin asked did he truly wish to see her.  The health care worker answered truthfully, no he didn't ask for her.  She told the worker to call back when he did and he died a week later.  She made her peace a long time ago she said regarding him.  It has been such a relief to have sometime tell me it's okay not to feel guilty that I don't mourn or miss her.

The other thing with reconnecting with my cousin....she has turned to a Pagan path.  When we first started communicating she would say things that I thought sounded very witchy or Pagan.  We have so much in common it has been unreal to me.  To have a like minded person within my own family has been a welcome to me, I don't feel so alone anymore.  I can openly discuss things with her that I have felt I couldn't with others without feeling or thinking they thought me crazy.  I feel as though I have found a soul sister in this regard.  She being 10 years older than me and having moved to Long Island when she was 16/17 or so ...I didn't really know her.  The last memory I have of her at a holiday gathering I must have been about 3 years old.  We both love to read, we both love to be alone rather than in crowds, we both feel more drawn to Kitchen or Hedge witchery leaning though more eclectic in some aspects.  We prefer simple to full out ritual.  She's been so disconnected from our family due to her father and his ways, and honestly I don't know what my family thinks sometimes why they didn't try to maintain contact with her.  But looking at things now, it's the same with me.

Most think I'm just like my mother and that if I contact them I must want something. I have never given any reason to them that they should compare me to her, so I don't understand it.  Perhaps it would have been better in their eyes if I had become an alcoholic like my father.  I don't usually get reached out to for the sake of them wanting to know how I am.  It pains me sometimes that I am looked like I am the black sheep, but then even growing up...I never felt as though I belong to this family.  Oh how I used to wish I was adopted and that maybe I had a "real" family out there somewhere.  That's how my 12 year old mind worked back then.  Secretly though, sometimes I still wish that.  It has been a comfort to me that she has shared how my father was with me when I was a baby.  I always wondered.  She said he doted on me, would sit on the floor and play with me, that I was the apple of his eye.  Those words warmed my heart and gave me something I cannot describe.

I haven't done much in the way of writing or making art, nor in any type of studies.  That procrastination gremlin is still hanging around.  I did make an effort at the beginning of the year with some art journaling and then last month trying to commit to 100 mandalas.  But with all the chaos of having extra people and an unruly 3 year old, that kind of fell to the wayside.  Now that things have started to go back to "normal" and the house is quiet once again I should like to try and do 100 mandalas and everything else on my list of things to do.

Next month is Camp NaNoWriMo, and I signed up for it...dun dun dun!  I set my word goal so far at 25,000.  I don't know if I need to lower it to accommodate my project yet or not.  My plan is to write down things my grandma told me.  I don't want to forget her words and I want to leave something behind for my girls and should I ever have grandbabies...  I want her legacy of strength and courage to live in and not be forgotten.

So that's what has been happening in a nutshell.  Hope all is well with all of you in the blog-ospher!