Monday, January 25, 2010

My baby's 17 today

Seventeen years ago today at exactly 9:20 pm my eldest daughter was born. I wanted to do nothing more than kick my doctor in the face after 19 hours of labor. I remember her telling me not to scream because I'd scare the other patients! Seriously?! WTF??!! But then, out came this 8lb 2oz bundle of joy, who looked up at me with these big blue eyes when they laid her in my arms.

She was so precious and beautiful. She still is too! She's funny and witty, she's great at cooking pasta, she's a bookworm, and she's an amazing photographer. She wants to go to college and take photography. Hoping to take her knowledge and travel the world taking millions of pictures along the way.

I love my not so little girl. If there's one thing I did right I my life, it was having her and her sister. (even if I can't stand their father)

Happy Birthday BabyGirl! I love you!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

New Year, New Journey and Hopefully A New Beginning

As some of you may have noticed, I've started signing the end of my blog posts as "Ellie". It's kind of my nickname. Most everyone that knows me, calls me that. In a way it's actually kind of fitting as my name is a derivative of Elizabeth anyway. And I like it :D. I have also changed it to "Ellie" for when I post a comment to someone's blog. I love "Morgaine" but it's sort of a pen name I'd been playing with should I ever get published and it's the name of one of the Goddesses and right now I just don't feel right using it. So from now on it's "Ellie" until well I don't know really lol.

That being said, what's next on the agenda. Well, I don't know yet. Well I sorta do, but yet I don't. I know that doesn't make any sense. But this week hasn't made any sense to me at all.

All this week I have felt like everything in my life is nothing but failure after failure. I have been feeling like nothing good can happen in my life that there isn't any chance at me being happy. That my life is what it is and there is no escaping it. I have been feeling like I'm falling into this bottomless well that goes on and on, deeper and deeper with no way out. I have even gone so far as to tell my beloved that there is no hope, only sadness and despair. That he should move on with his life, with out me in it. But damn him, he's a stubborn bastard. He won't hear of it, he won't go. Why he even stays is beyond me at this point. But it's how I've been feeling...hopeless, sad, alone, a failure, and that's just for starters.

I guess it doesn't help that I've had to ask "HIM" if I can have the money to start my herbalist courses. I felt like a child asking for permission. I guess it also doesn't help that I still have to live with "HIM", and now that the bankruptcy has been filed and gone to court "HE" thinks this is a new beginning for us. "HE" keeps going on and on how this is a fresh start and it's driving me nuts. "HE" just doesn't seem to freakin get it.

So about the courses now, "HE" agreed to pay for them. I HATE THIS! I hate that I had to ask "HIM" for the money. It's literally making me sick. I feel like I am compromising. And it's making me feel like I'm giving into "HIS" delusion that we are "okay". But, alas, I have ordered the first course I will take.

I've decided after much consideration, searching, and talking to others who have taken take the beginner's course through In a couple of weeks I should be able to order the other course I will take from Rosemary Gladstar of

I am excited, and I'm scared. I'm finally pursuing one of my heart's desires. But at the same time I'm scared that I won't follow through. I'm scared that I won't finish what I started, that I'll fail. I'm scared that I won't be able to absorb it all, or worse not be able to use what I learn or make mistakes.

Yet, despite all that, I was laying in bed this morning not really thinking about anything at all and this picture pops into my head. That after all my hard work I see myself in a small shop. Very Bohemian in decor. Some Lorenna McKennitt playing in the background, and herbs, oils, candles, crystals of all kinds line the walls and displays of round tables covered in colorful fabrics with an array of my wares on them. A name of my little shop of wonders popped into my head as well, but I'm too embarrassed to share that right now.

Is it just a dream, a flightful fantasy, or a vision of what will be?

Until next time dear ones,

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Pulls, Urges, and Other Things That Seem To Stir Me

I don't know what it is lately. I've had a lot of stuff on my mind and tugging at my heart I guess I would say.

First, there's the desire to take classes to get a certificate/degree in Holistic Health and/or Master Herbalist. This isn't a new thing, I've been mulling this idea for sometime now. A couple of years at best if not more. What scares me about it is a couple of things. 1)If I let "HIM" pay for it, "HE" will expect something in return. Which isn't far from what "HE" expects now anyway. "HE'S" delusional in that "HE" thinks "we're okay" now that the bankruptcy has gone to court. 2)I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up with the course work. Or that I won't finish what I start, you know just get side-tracked with things and put off doing the work. 3)I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong school.

Second, I want to do more or take online classes in the way of Magickal learning. Learn more about the craft, find my path, etc.

Third, of course I want to write more. That is just a me needing to stop procrastinating and get my ass in gear. I'm still at a blank most of the time. I have a goal to try and write 150,000 words this year. That can include any writing I do except...BLOG! Oh well lol.

And then Fourth, I don't feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. I mean aside from the whole still having to live with "HIM" deal. Imagining that not being an issue, I just feel like I'm living in the wrong place. I don't belong down here. I feel like I need to be somewhere coastal. I don't know if it's Oregon, Washington, or Maine...but those are the ones I feel drawn too. But then on the other hand, I have this overwhelming desire to be in the UK. I don't mean just to visit, but to live even if it's only for a short period of time. My desire to be living in the UK goes back several years, I've wanted it so long I can't even really remember when it started. I can remember though, that when I was about 18 or so a friend of mine back then asked me if I'd take a trip with her to visit her family in Ireland. It struck such a cord in me. It was like I was being asked to go home. Now I'm not Irish, British, or anything by birth. So I couldn't and still can't explain that. I dismissed it as being a foolish notion. And alas, we never did take that trip. But over the last few years, more than 5 I'd venture to say, I've been wanting to go there. It's like it's something I "have to do!!"

Fifth, and I'll end with this for now. I feel the urge to do another blog, perhaps food related or path related. I don't know. I don't cook all that much now. Not because I hate it, I love to cook. I don't do it mainly because whenever I do cook something, "HE" takes it as a gesture towards "HIM" and tries to get all lovey-dovey. But about this other blog thing, I don't know where it will go yet or if it will at all.

Anyways, that's all for now.

Monday, January 11, 2010

A Time for Learning...Maybe?

Okay, so I've had this nagging, drawing, calling, yearning...not sure what to call it exactly but I've been wanting to study herbology and naturopathy. I've been wanting to do this for a few years now. But I can only do distance learning right now. Where I am, there aren't any schools of natural health or the like. I really want to do this, but I don't know how legit some of these places I find online are. One that I'm seriously considering is Global College of Natural Medicine. I want to take the Master Herbalist, but I also want to take the Holistic Health Practitioner course. Now, I can take the MH first, and a portion of the cost of it would be applied to the other when I was ready to take it. The MH would cost about $1650 or so. Of course, I don't have that kind of money. They do offer payment plans though.

But here's the kicker, on the way back from bankruptcy court the other day, "HE" asked me if there was something I really wanted to do but felt like something was holding me back. Of course the sarcastic side of me wanted to blurt out "YES YOU!" but I held my tongue. So I told "HIM" I wanted to learn Holistic Medicine, be an herbalist, etc. I told "HIM" I'd been looking into schools and such. And "HE" actually offered to pay for it. I'd have to wait a month or two for tax refund to come in and all and "HE" said I could use a little to make the down payment and then put the rest on monthly payments.

I don't know what to do. If I allow this, "HE" is going to expect something in return at some point, what ever that may be. "HE" will hold it over me that "HE" did such and such. I want to take the classes but do I really let "HIM" pay for it? And then I don't know how legit the school is. I don't know any one that took their courses.

I mean I haven't even registered with them or anyone for that matter, because I honestly don't know where to take my courses from, and "HE'S" already planning on what I can or will do once I have a certificate. "HE" even went so far as to take me to this new area by the mall where they are putting in some new shops and said this would be a great place to open an herb shop. I mean WTF? Seriously? I haven't taken one lesson or anything. Haven't even decided if I really want "HIM" to pay for it. And "HE'S" making plans. All "HE" sees is dollar signs, with "HIM" everything is always about money. It's frustrating and annoying. "HE" can never and is never satisfied, "HE" always wants more.

So what do I do? Do I let "HIM" pay for it? Do I go through GCNM? Do I keep looking? Do any of you my trusty followers have any suggestions on schools? Or is any one familiar with GCNM?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Happy Birthday J.R.R. Tolkien

Happy Birthday J.R.R. Tolkien

Today is J. R. R. Tolkien's birthday. He is one of my favorite authors. He'd be 118 years old today, just slightly older than Bilbo was when he left the Shire.

I did not read any of his books until after "Lord of the Rings, The Return of the King" was in theaters. After seeing all 3 movies, I decided to read "The Hobbit" and "The Lord of the Rings". I fell in love with the Hobbits and Elves all over again. I am looking forward to reading "The Children of Hurin" and "The Silmarillion" as part of my things to read this year.

Happy Birthday Professor Tolkien.