Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Pulls, Urges, and Other Things That Seem To Stir Me

I don't know what it is lately. I've had a lot of stuff on my mind and tugging at my heart I guess I would say.

First, there's the desire to take classes to get a certificate/degree in Holistic Health and/or Master Herbalist. This isn't a new thing, I've been mulling this idea for sometime now. A couple of years at best if not more. What scares me about it is a couple of things. 1)If I let "HIM" pay for it, "HE" will expect something in return. Which isn't far from what "HE" expects now anyway. "HE'S" delusional in that "HE" thinks "we're okay" now that the bankruptcy has gone to court. 2)I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep up with the course work. Or that I won't finish what I start, you know just get side-tracked with things and put off doing the work. 3)I'm afraid I'll pick the wrong school.

Second, I want to do more or take online classes in the way of Magickal learning. Learn more about the craft, find my path, etc.

Third, of course I want to write more. That is just a me needing to stop procrastinating and get my ass in gear. I'm still at a blank most of the time. I have a goal to try and write 150,000 words this year. That can include any writing I do except...BLOG! Oh well lol.

And then Fourth, I don't feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. I mean aside from the whole still having to live with "HIM" deal. Imagining that not being an issue, I just feel like I'm living in the wrong place. I don't belong down here. I feel like I need to be somewhere coastal. I don't know if it's Oregon, Washington, or Maine...but those are the ones I feel drawn too. But then on the other hand, I have this overwhelming desire to be in the UK. I don't mean just to visit, but to live even if it's only for a short period of time. My desire to be living in the UK goes back several years, I've wanted it so long I can't even really remember when it started. I can remember though, that when I was about 18 or so a friend of mine back then asked me if I'd take a trip with her to visit her family in Ireland. It struck such a cord in me. It was like I was being asked to go home. Now I'm not Irish, British, or anything by birth. So I couldn't and still can't explain that. I dismissed it as being a foolish notion. And alas, we never did take that trip. But over the last few years, more than 5 I'd venture to say, I've been wanting to go there. It's like it's something I "have to do!!"

Fifth, and I'll end with this for now. I feel the urge to do another blog, perhaps food related or path related. I don't know. I don't cook all that much now. Not because I hate it, I love to cook. I don't do it mainly because whenever I do cook something, "HE" takes it as a gesture towards "HIM" and tries to get all lovey-dovey. But about this other blog thing, I don't know where it will go yet or if it will at all.

Anyways, that's all for now.


  1. Hi Ellie, I am kind of dumbstruck because I could have just written this post--well except that I am not drawn to the coastal areas (at all, LOL) but more towards the mountains, woods, forests. I have had a strong calling to go to Ireland and Scotland for years...I couldn't even tell you how long. And I am so drawn to England. One of my clients is from there and I could just sit and listen to her talk for days--feels like "home" to me. Feels nice to kind of talk with someone who maybe understands all my weirdness, LOL. Blessings...

  2. Hi Dessa,
    Thanks for posting here and at my other blog :D

    I know what you mean about listening to them speak for hours. I used to live next door to a British family down in FL, and it was just so entrancing? to listen to them talk. I also used to work at the outlet mall where we'd get ALOT of Brits and I loved interacting with them.

    And you are so right, it does feel like "home". I keep telling myself its weird but at last I can see I am not alone.

    Bright Blessings!