As some of you may have noticed, I've started signing the end of my blog posts as "Ellie". It's kind of my nickname. Most everyone that knows me, calls me that. In a way it's actually kind of fitting as my name is a derivative of Elizabeth anyway. And I like it :D. I have also changed it to "Ellie" for when I post a comment to someone's blog. I love "Morgaine" but it's sort of a pen name I'd been playing with should I ever get published and it's the name of one of the Goddesses and right now I just don't feel right using it. So from now on it's "Ellie" until well I don't know really lol.
That being said, what's next on the agenda. Well, I don't know yet. Well I sorta do, but yet I don't. I know that doesn't make any sense. But this week hasn't made any sense to me at all.
All this week I have felt like everything in my life is nothing but failure after failure. I have been feeling like nothing good can happen in my life that there isn't any chance at me being happy. That my life is what it is and there is no escaping it. I have been feeling like I'm falling into this bottomless well that goes on and on, deeper and deeper with no way out. I have even gone so far as to tell my beloved that there is no hope, only sadness and despair. That he should move on with his life, with out me in it. But damn him, he's a stubborn bastard. He won't hear of it, he won't go. Why he even stays is beyond me at this point. But it's how I've been feeling...hopeless, sad, alone, a failure, and that's just for starters.
I guess it doesn't help that I've had to ask "HIM" if I can have the money to start my herbalist courses. I felt like a child asking for permission. I guess it also doesn't help that I still have to live with "HIM", and now that the bankruptcy has been filed and gone to court "HE" thinks this is a new beginning for us. "HE" keeps going on and on how this is a fresh start and it's driving me nuts. "HE" just doesn't seem to freakin get it.
So about the courses now, "HE" agreed to pay for them. I HATE THIS! I hate that I had to ask "HIM" for the money. It's literally making me sick. I feel like I am compromising. And it's making me feel like I'm giving into "HIS" delusion that we are "okay". But, alas, I have ordered the first course I will take.
I've decided after much consideration, searching, and talking to others who have taken courses...to take the beginner's course through naimh.com. In a couple of weeks I should be able to order the other course I will take from Rosemary Gladstar of sagemountain.com.
I am excited, and I'm scared. I'm finally pursuing one of my heart's desires. But at the same time I'm scared that I won't follow through. I'm scared that I won't finish what I started, that I'll fail. I'm scared that I won't be able to absorb it all, or worse not be able to use what I learn or make mistakes.
Yet, despite all that, I was laying in bed this morning not really thinking about anything at all and this picture pops into my head. That after all my hard work I see myself in a small shop. Very Bohemian in decor. Some Lorenna McKennitt playing in the background, and herbs, oils, candles, crystals of all kinds line the walls and displays of round tables covered in colorful fabrics with an array of my wares on them. A name of my little shop of wonders popped into my head as well, but I'm too embarrassed to share that right now.
Is it just a dream, a flightful fantasy, or a vision of what will be?
Until next time dear ones,