Sunday, October 31, 2010

Art Heart and Healing Week 2 (part 2)

WHEW! Finished my whimsy page. I didn't draw as many little whimsy people as I would have liked, but I am happy with what I did draw. Been having some pain in my hand that's been sometimes shooting up to my elbow...I'm guessing the change in weather is causing the flair up.

I have to admit, I'm surprised that I even drew them. I have never drawn whimsy before. I could imagine it, but could never get it on paper. I like the pencil I'm using, but I am finding that for doing smaller faces like for whimsy, it's WAY too smudgy for me. I think I will have to get a different pencil to use for doing more whimsy type things, one that won't smudge so easily.

Tomorrow we start week 3...YAY. More boardbook altering this week and making a poppet I think is what is in store. There is still time to sign up for the workshop...You can start it at any time. I do believe that Tam is leaving everything up on the site so that anyone can join at anytime. When I have some extra money, I hope to buy one of her other art courses or perhaps join her new one in January ( I think that's when it will start.) She really is a fun and fabulous teacher.

Samhain Blessings

Wishing you all a Happy Halloween and a Blessed Samhain. May your year and all your days be filled with health, love and joy, peace and prosperity, and magick filled days. Goddess Blessings upon you all.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Art Heart and Healing Week 2 (part 1)

This week is actually two parts, the first is to write to your baby self or at least younger than the age of 3. I don't make wishes for myself usually...I'm always the one that wants more or better for others. I guess that's why I have a hard time with some of the Wishcast Wednesdays or doing resolutions.

But the goal was to work through some of the childhood traumas we may have experienced or just how you wish things could have been for the baby and future you. The second half of the assignment was to do a whimsy page of something positive you would have liked to have happened. Like for instance if you didn't have friends you might draw a whimsy page of you with some friends have fun. I haven't done the whimsy yet...need to prime my pages so I can do that later.

Here's a look at what my wishes for baby me turned out like. I might add some swirls or some darker stamping on it...but I kinda like it the way it is.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Samhain Wishes for the Coming Year...

I know Samhain/Halloween isn't for 3 more days. But I was reading Danni's blog entry today about making resolutions for the coming year. I don't particularly like to make resolutions, I never really ever stick to them or accomplish them. BUT...Since today is my birthday, I thought I'd make birthday wishes for the coming year instead.

So...I Wish...
  • to be free from this marriage that I'm not happy in.
  • to be free of a man I no longer love.
  • to learn to accept myself as I am.
  • to learn to be just me...whatever, whoever that may be.
  • to learn to heal and over come all the negativity, hurt, anger, pain, fear.
  • to learn to grow in my path, where ever it leads.
  • to learn to grow in my creativity, to not let fear or insecurity hold me back.
  • to learn to let go of the past and things I no longer need. Material or emotional.
  • AND my biggest wish is to be with my I can be loved and wanted for who I am, as I am without expectations to be someone or something I am not.

Art Heart and Healing Week One

This wasn't the easiest for me to do. We had to write down all the negative thoughts that go through our minds and that we tell ourselves. My page was almost full, I really could have filled it up. It took me a week to do the page, because I had a hard time coming up with a positive statement. See for me, I believe a lot of the negative I wrote. So while I've not worked through or passed them yet, I came up with this "I am free to just be me!!!" as a reminder to myself.

I didn't want "HIM" to see what I was working on. But "HE" happened to pass by, and saw it. Took the book and looked at and snickered about my statement. UGH!

But I did enjoy doing the layering and the painting. It was fun. I'm not pleased with the paper though. I used as little water as possible to blend my watercolor crayons and the page still started to curl and buckle and shred up in some spots. This is actually the first time I've ever drawn a face like this.

Crafty Witch is having a great give-away.

"Leathra over at Confessions of a Crafty Witch has a review up about the pagan musician S.J. Tucker, and she's hosting a giveaway for S.J.'s latest cd! Check it out at!"

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Taking A Step

My cousin now knows what's been going on here at home. Opening up to her wasn't easy. I haven't told her everything, just some of it. It was hard enough to admit to her that there was something wrong. She asked me if it was bad enough that I would think about leaving. I told her, if I had the means I'd leave in a heart beat.

Talking to a friend or to my beloved about it all is one thing. But admitting and telling a family member, is entirely different. Admitting it to her makes me feel like I've failed a million times over. Admitting it to her makes it real...realer than it's ever been. And that's really hard. Harder than I thought it would be.

Part of me regrets telling her. Part of me feels like I should have kept my secret. I am afraid of how my family will view me now. Surely she will tell my aunt and uncle. I know they will talk about it, talk about me. My gut tells me that they will tell her stay out of it and mind her business. That it's my problem to deal with. It's one of the reasons I've kept it to myself to begin with. And now that they know...what will they think of me?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Tam's Workshop Starts Tomorrow

I'm so excited. I've been seeing these videos and sites on art journaling and altered books and such...I've been wanting to try this out, but I feel like it may be beyond my scope of what I can do. My drawing skills are too limited to my liking, I don't really know how to paint. I look at some of the work others have done and begin to think I'm in over my head.

But the theme of Tam's workshop (which is *free* by the way except for your supplies you'll need)is on heart and healing. If you've been following my blog and/or read any of my posts you know my heart needs A LOT of healing. So while my things may not come out stunning, I'm hoping that it will help me to start to heal. If I can somehow work through my pain and fears, maybe I can find a way out of the darkness.

So I encourage you to go check out the site, maybe sign up and do the workshop too. I'll be posting about how it's going for me. And IF I'm really brave, maybe even post some photos of what I've done.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

It's Been a Year

I can hardly believe a year has gone by since I saw your eyes so blue and your hand in mine. Since I've felt your arms around me holding me safe, the warmth of your hugs, hearing the beat of your heart while I rested my head on your chest.

Not a day has gone by that my heart hasn't ached, that I haven't tried to hide the sadness I've felt since you went home. Sometimes I hurt so bad, it's unbearable. Not a day has passed that I've wondered when I'd get to feel you hold me safe in your arms again.

I have missed you everyday since you left and I will miss you everyday until we can be together again.

I try to fight it thinking I don't deserve you. That you deserve better than someone like me. I try to push you away because I miss you so much, and when I think I'm not worthy to be with you it's more than I can handle. I keep thinking that sometimes I should stay with "HIM", that it's my lot in life to deal with the shit "HE" dishes out to me. That somewhere I did something to deserve to be treated that way, a punishment if you will.

I had no intentions of falling for you, nor was I looking. I told you all that the day we started talking. All I needed was a friend, I never dreamed you would end up being more. You know well how I've fought that, trying to deny how I feel. I keep thinking if only I kept you at arms length, if only you didn't come to visit, if only I hadn't let you....If only, If only, If only....Then maybe the distance wouldn't feel like an eternity and it wouldn't hurt so much.

I miss you more than you could ever possibly know, and I wait (however impatiently) for the day I am free to be with you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Surveying the Damage

I just was on the hill behind the house. WOW! I had no idea so much of the hill burned! Most of it is what I guess is underbrush. Fallen leaves, branches, pine needles, etc. But I'd venture to say 75% is burned. If I had to guess, the amount of area burned beyond the fence line, would have to be equal to the distance of my fence to the railroad tie wall, and that was what I could see. Most of the damage in the woods appears to be what ever was/is on the ground already.

I did see one or two small spots smoking on my side of the break. I don't find this comforting. But hopefully it won't spread to the hill again since most of that has been burnt already.

I only got 3 hours of sleep. The air smells of smoke which is just awful and is irritating my throat and breathing terribly. Add that to the vision of the flames dancing in the woods last night...

I don't think I can rest till it's completely out. I'll be checking it through out the day. It's expected to be windy today with gusts up to 20mph. Looks like no real rest for the next few days for me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wishcast Wednesday-Fly Free

Today Jamie asks us "What do you wish to fly free from?" I've kinda ponder that thought all day.
I have so many 'issues' it makes me feel sad like I won't ever break free of them.

I wish to fly free from:
  • being afraid to do things or try things.
  • feeling like I'm not good enough.
  • feeling like I have to be how others want me to be.
  • procrastination! my writing, in opening my Etsy shop, in my studies.
  • doubting myself.
What about you? What do you wish to fly free from?

Whoa! Wild fires are scary stuff!!!

I've lived in the house I'm in going on 12 years and never ever have we had wild fires break out in the woods behind our house. Yesterday for the first time, one did. The Fire Dept. responded rather quickly and spent a couple hours up in the woods dealing with the outbreaks. Well today much to my shock and surprise, the spots must have flared back up and made their way down the hill in my back yard. My oldest came running down to tell me the flames were on our hill, I opened the back door and just yards from me at the base of our hill (which sits about 4 feet above our grass and supported by a railroad tie wall) were flames....a trail of them. The Fire Dept. was already pulling up by this time, so I ran out the front to tell them we had flames in our yard.

They came in quick and spent about 2 hours dousing the hill with water and looking for more possible hot spots. And then after that brought in a bulldozer to put a break in between us and the woods. After talking to one of the fire fighters, he said the fire was almost definitely deliberate. Probably some kids from the school smoking in the woods. And with us being under a "Red Flag" warning he said the conditions were ideal. Then he said that fire is a living thing and there was plenty of dry leaves, pine needles and fallen trees and branches for it to feed on.

For some reason, his 'fire is a living thing' comment just struck me with wonderment. I never thought of it that way. But it struck a cord in me somehow.

I don't know what pisses me off more though, the fact that some kids were careless and started this all. ...OR The fact that when I called "HIM" today and told "HIM" what was going on, "HE" said "HE'D" be home soon as possible, that was 3 hours ago AND "HE'S" STILL NOT HOME!
What if it was worse? What if it spread faster than they could contain it today? What if the girls and I were in danger or had to evacuate? I don't understand how "HE" can just not give a shit.

But thank the Goddess we didn't have to leave and we're still safe. I'm still worried though, that it might flare up again, that it might jump the break, that the hill itself might flare up. I can still smell the smoke. The fireman said I would for the next couple days at least.

It also occurred to me, that I don't know what I'd grab if I had to leave like that quick. I don't have a plan. Maybe it's time to make one.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

How The Hell Do I Even Handle That?

I had been babysitting on and off for about a year (last year) and saved up most of what I got paid for it. Especially since I got paid so could be weeks before I saw any money. It wasn't much but it was something. And I saved most of it, to spend on crafts and such. Now mind you it was easy to save as I really don't get to go out since I have to depend on "HIM" to take me anywhere I want or need to go.

I am about at the last little bit of money I had saved from that time and have been buying myself some yarn or craft supplies. Apparently "HE" views this as a bad thing, I dunno why since it's cost "HIM" Zero! dollars.

Well, my youngest came to me last night and told me "HE'S" been asking where I was getting my money from. (won't ask me, even though I've mentioned more than once it was money I'd saved up from last year)...Anyway "HE" asked her again (yes, "HE'S" asked her on more than one occasion!) She responded with the usual "I dunno."

So "HE" in "HIS" oh so infinite wisdom proceeds to say to her..."I know where she gets the money from! She's a phone prostitute and has phone sex for money." (complete with imitated sounds she said)....I was stunned, shocked, and disgusted! I still am. Who the fuck in their right mind would tell their 14 year old daughter that they thought her mother conducted such acts??? SHIT! When the hell would I even find the time to do such a thing??? My room is like Grand Central Fucking Station....I don't have privacy, everyone walks in and out as they please. "HE" has to pass through my room to go watch "HIS" precious TV. I am so disgusted, so pissed with "HIM"! I don't even know how or if I should confront this.

And "HE" thinks there's nothing wrong with this relationship...that everything is peachy....that I will 'snap out of it' and we can reconcile...."HE" is fucking delusional!

Do I ignore this for now? Do I confront? ("HE" will deny it. Or play it off as a joke.) What do I do? I'm not in a position that I can leave just yet, and I don't know what to do.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

October's Finally Here

It's finally starting to feel a bit like fall down here. The weather's been much cooler these last few days. Even though the Autumn equinox is in September, October always feels like when the season officially begins for me. I've always loved the fall, I don't know why. As a kid, maybe it was because my birthday and Halloween are both in October which meant presents and candy within 3 days of each other LOL. Now, I don't know what it is really. Sometimes it feels like I have a different sense of clarity in the fall. I don't think I can explain it.

Add to that the fact the registration for NaNoWriMo officially opened yesterday. Once again I will attempt to participate. I might actually use the month to jot down some ideas for something to actually write rather than try to fly by the seat of my pants again. I also signed up for a free workshop/class the F2K Creative Writing Course over at And before that, I signed up to do a free online Art Course called The Heart of Art by

Seems like I'm putting a lot on my plate, 2 different classes, trying to set up an Etsy store and make more crafts not just the bags which I need to make some more of. But I feel like I've been in sort of downward spiral away from my creative side. I need to as Cher said in "Moonstruck"..."SNAP OUT OF IT!!!" I am tired of feeling like I'm not good enough or creative enough, that my ideas don't fit a certain person's ideals. Cuz ya know what....TOUGH SHIT ON HIM!

He won't even let me have the bigger of the 2 rooms down stairs (I have the small one right now.) I told him I need to be where I can have room to work and be and leave it all out because that's how I function. But he won't let me because he doesn't want to move his precious TV. I told him just swap rooms, let me have the bigger one. NO! He wants me to move my work area in there. I'm sorry I can't work, think, create when someone is blaring the TV and surround sound for the entire subdivision to hear. So I will have to find a way to make my little room work instead.

I'm sorry...this post isn't supposed to be a rant about's supposed to be about how I love October. I want to make this a month of new beginnings for me. And so, yes...I signed up for 2 free classes and signed up to do NaNo in November. I need something(s) to focus on other than my miserable home situation.

SO...Here's to October! Let's make it a great one!!!