Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Disappointing Advocate

I went to see the advocate from the shelter today. Her official title is "Legal Advocate". I left her office feeling like a child told to sit at the table until she finished all her peas.

I felt no connection with this woman at all, other than I felt like she was judging me. She asked me what was going on, so I tried to explain to her. She was like no...I don't want to know about past stuff how about more recent. So I told her that...and she was all 'mmhmmm mmhmmm' 'yes what you are saying all constitutes abuse'. Then she says some thing like 'I'm not getting all "Oh my goodness" about it because I hear stories like this 10 times a day, you're not telling me anything new.' I asked well what are my options. I can't take it anymore, I have no support system here, no friends no family...I have no job, no money...I need help what can I do?

She said she can't advise me on things like that, she's only allowed to file Temporary Orders of Protection. I'm sorry you work at a crisis center and the only thing you can tell me is that if I need a TPO you can file it. She went on to tell me she only studied Criminal Law so she's not allowed to do anything else. She kept taking calls from another client while I was there, and to be honest I don't feel she handled that very well either.

In the end she handed me a sheet of paper with names and numbers to lawyers, Legal Services, Legal Aid, and a referral service that has a 30 minute free consult. And she told me IF I use it, I better have all my questions ready other wise I might end up wasting my 30 minutes on 2 questions. I asked her well what sort of questions should I ask...got the can't answer that reply.

She also gave me paper with the name and number to the psychologist they use. Then she says well you probably don't really need to call her, you already know it's abuse.

She told me I couldn't or shouldn't leave until I had a lawyer take my case and it was filed and only AFTER they tell me it's okay to leave the state so I can be near my support system. She said if I leave, the Ogre can cite abandonment, say I'm unfit, etc. And then she was like you really don't want those kinds of charges against you, do you? So I said but if I went to a shelter he can't do that, she was like yea true.

I kept trying to find out what my options were, short of going to the shelter. She didn't give me any. Just told me to call the numbers on the list. And when they say I can leave then come in or call and see if they can help me get out to my Beloved and his family. Then before she sends me on my way (because now she has to go meet a judge she says) she tells me "Well I don't know what your belief in god is. But have you consider that maybe he is testing you to see how strong your faith is? Everything happens for a reason, and maybe he is testing you to see if you will give up on yourself. And if you give up on yourself, then god will give up on you."

I was stunned. Lucky I'm not christian anymore. But holy shit if I was...I mean wtf?! How can you tell somebody their abuse is a test from god and basically saying suck it up. If you want out you're on your own I gave you lawyer numbers you do the rest. I left feeling like I kicked in the gut. I asked for help and got slapped in the face.

I will attempt to see the girl I originally spoke to on the phone next week. See if I can't get some better advice. If not, I don't know what to do next. My Beloved says we will get through this. To just forget about this chick, and pretend she didn't happen. To go back next week and see if Girl #1 can help me out.

Monday, March 28, 2011

It Is You, I Always Knew

I don't know how to say it the way I wish I could. My words seem to jumble up and tumble out in a mixed mess. But this I know my Beloved...

From that very first hello, I knew
How I would hold my breath and wait to see if you noticed me, I knew
From the first time we spoke, I knew
That first conversation, where you said I love you...I knew
When I tried to hold the words back that slipped so breathlessly from my lips, that I love you too, I knew
From the first time we saw each other, I knew

There is never a day that goes by since that very first one, that I ever doubted that I love you.
There is never a day that goes by since that I ever doubted your love for me.
There has not been a day since you left that I have not missed you to the point of aching.
I cannot look at the door without remembering when you strode through and bounded up the stairs to take me in your arms for the first time.
I cannot look at the spot we stood in without remembering your arms around me, how safe and loved I felt for the first time in my life. How truly happy I was just being with you.
Or the spot where you knelt down and put the ring you so lovingly picked out just for me and when you slipped on my finger and asked me to spend the rest of my life with you.
I cannot look at that same door without remembering how we cried when you left. And your promise that it would not be forever. That we would be together again, as soon as possible.

With every word, with every I love you, with every promise you made...I knew
I know you never lie to me, I know you are the one, My soul mate and love of my life.

I know that my heart aches for you, an ache that is beyond bearable.
I know that we are meant to be together, that we have a life to be shared that is meant just for the two of us to share. We have the kind of love that is rare, beautiful and true.
I know that we are forever, the forever kind of love, the kind of love that can see us through to the end of time. We have the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime. The kind that allows to us to find each other again and again in each life we live.

When you found me, I knew it was you...the one I'd wished for all my life.
If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that it's you, my Beloved...it's you, that I love and want to be with for the rest of my life no matter what it takes....it's you it's you it's you and this I knew then and still know now.
I always knew it was you since the day you found me.
I love you, with all that is in me, with my whole heart and soul, I love you S. With every breath, with every heart beat, I love you.

Struggle For Words

How do you dig so deep inside yourself to pour out the words to express how you feel? I try to piece the words into sentences in my mind, and for a brief moment they sound fine until I try to speak them. Then they sound pitiful, mixed up, and I am afraid sound so far from what I'm trying to say that I wonder if I really am being understood. Or what do you do when you have things you want to say, need to say, and you don't know how to say it? I am really struggling with this one. I don't want to hold back that's what got me to where we are at the moment. Holding back made such a mess of things and I'm done with all of that shit. I need to speak from my heart, but how to get the words from my heart out of my mouth.

I am trying to find a way to express myself to my Beloved. A way to pour out my heart and soul. To tell my Beloved how he makes me feel and what being with him means to me. But when I want to say something, I start to feel like I'm pushing. Or when I talk I start to cry. Expressing myself to my Beloved is very emotional for me and goes very deep.

When I am with my Beloved, I am happier than I have ever been. This is a happiness that is different than the happiness my girls (our girls as he thinks of them as his own) bring me. My beloved brings me happiness on a level that they never can. When I'm with him I feel lighter, freer, comfortable and at ease. I don't need to hide anything from him. I don't need to act a certain way or speak differently. My beloved makes me feel safe and loved.

I keep thinking about the first time I got to be in his arms. It is a feeling I want to last forever. Never in my life did I feel more safe and more loved and accepted, more special than I did when he put his arms around me. Just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. It's a feeling I want to last forever.

And the love...the love goes so deep and strikes to the core of my heart and soul. I feel so alone without him. There is no one and nothing that can fill the void that would be left if I lost him. To not have the love of my Beloved feels like I would only live a shell of a life that I would live with him. There would be an emptiness, a void that could be filled by no one or by nothing.

He is my soulmate. He is the love of my life. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He searched for me until he found me. And when he found me I knew I had been found by my soulmate. I never thought it was possible that we would find each other. All I want is for us to share the life we talked and dreamed about together. A life filled with happiness and love, a love that will grow deeper and deeper everyday. A love that lasts forever in this life and every life we share together.

Friday, March 25, 2011

The End of BIG - Week 1

I have to say I liked week 1 for the most part. The exercises I that I thought were going to be hard were easier and vice versa. I'm still learning how to really listen to what the painting wants. It's harder than you think. And Fear, boy that one shows up in all kinds of guises.

I found Wednesday to be my most difficult day. The feelings that started to come out after I made that call, were tearing me apart. The exercise I was working on that day was to paint shapes, any old shape I wanted. I was thinking okay circle, and even my oldest was like you should do circle. So on Tuesday night, well very early Wednesday morning before I went to bed I painted circles in black paint. Figuring I'll let it dry over night and add color later on.

After that call, something seemed to change, and I really hated what I had started. I was feeling angry, sad, lost, alone, confused. I chose colors outside my 'normal' ones and I thought I'll try to paint out the feelings through the colors. But it wasn't working. Every stroke I hated it more, I didn't listen to the painting or my feelings. I even wanted to tear it down and destroy it. I should have attacked the painting with the emotions I was feeling, should have picked colors to match. But this process is all so new to me.

Part of me wants to go back to that painting and give it the ass kicking it deserved that day. Part of me wants to attack a whole blank page. I also have one more exercise to do. I could incorporate my feelings into that, but it all depends on what the paper and paint tell me to do. I need to learn to listen and respond to what it's telling me, to learn to listen and respond to my feelings versus react to them.

At the same time, I am also learning how to feel instead of block out, detach or suppress. I don't want to feel numb or shut down or push the people I love away any more.

Drowning in Emotion

Ever since I made that call on Wednesday, I have felt like I am drowning in emotions. I feel like someone has ripped a too small bandage off a very deep and raw wound. I feel it deep in my gut and in my heart. The feeling of just wanting to cry and cry won't go away. Feeling alone and like I've lost everything and everyone, even though those I love and that support me are still very much right here. They haven't left me.

I plan to go into see the advocates on Monday, but I will admit I am terrified. I am scared that this feeling of being raw, open and wounded will only get deeper and worse. I am terrified that in the end, I will end up being lost and alone when all is said and done. I've been so condition from a young age to detach and suppress, that while in someways I welcome the pain because I know I'm not numb. At the same time, I don't know how much I can take.

I miss my Beloved so much, my heart literally hurts. It feels like it is breaking over and over into a million pieces. And all I can do is hope and pray and wish we find our way back together. I don't want know what it would be like to live without him by my side, to have to live without telling him or showing him how much I love him. To have to live with out showing him how happy he makes me and how much he means to me. I don't want to have to go through life with out my Beloved. But all I can do is wish, hope and pray, and tell him I love him when I can.

I have even resorted to speaking out loud to my Grandma. I miss her so much. I wish she was here to give me advice or at least put her arms around me, kiss the top of my head and tell me I was her angel and everything would be okay. I just wish she wasn't so cryptic when she told me things back then. But it was her way of giving advice sometimes. Sometimes I know she is with us, we can smell her sometimes other times we think we hear her walking. I could really use her help right now. I wonder if it's possible that she could somehow.

My Baby Girl Turned 15 Today!

Today my little one turned 15. It seemed like just yesterday I was looking at her for the first time. And now she's grown and beautiful, smart and witty (bit of a smart ass too).

I only wish the best for my little one, for both my girls. I wish them happiness, good health, good friends, much love and joy, and to follow their hearts in all they do.

Happy birthday my little faerie child, Mama loves you.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Taking Another Step

So yesterday, after staring at the number once I entered it in my cell phone for like an hour, I called the local women's shelter and spoke to an advocate. She is encouraging me to come in and speak to her and a colleague further. She understands my reasons for trying to avoid going to the shelter right now.

She told me every little thing, no matter if it's the silent treatment with the dirty looks, or the full blown being shouted at...whether it's everyday, once a week, or once a month...everything he does down to controlling if or when I can go to the store is all abuse. That really is a hard pill to swallow. She's suggested group counseling but the one she's recommending is at least a 15 minute car ride from me and there is NO WAY in hell the Ogre will take me there. On a Monday night no less.

The other good news though is that they have several lawyers they work with and chances are good they can find one to take me on pro bono. Also more good news is after all that is done, they can help me get out of state. Now, once I'm out there, I don't know what will happen. It's a bit too far ahead to see or plan out. I don't know if they can help get any public assistance applications or housing applications going for me, or they could set me up with a shelter to go to for a little bit.

I need to take this one step at a time. I need to figure out all that I want or need to take. I still have some papers I need to pull together that the lawyer might need. I need to figure out what I will do once he is served with the divorce papers. Is there someone I can stay with or will I have to actually resort to going to a shelter for that time until the divorce is finalized? Still a lot of unanswered questions. If I go to the shelter they can ensure my safety just in case, and make sure I make any and all court appearances. She's even suggesting I consider filing for a TPO. It's a long shot to get a judge to approve since the Ogre hasn't physically or verbally threatened to do me or the girls harm. It would make the Ogre have to leave the house, and I don't know what kind of repercussions this could have later. Yes I know it's there to protect me and the girls if I got one. But outside of the Ogre's threats to have me declared unfit...I am not sure I have a chance or reason to get one.

I also told her about how the Ogre kept telling me at one point I was depressed and that I needed to see a therapist or go to the doctor for medication. She said the Ogre was definitely looking to twist things to make me look or seem crazy and/or in need of meds to use against me later on. Seems to be a classic sign among abusers, one among many.

Anyway, this is where I'm at right now. I will probably go up to see her on Monday since it's walking distance for me to get to. It's all very overwhelming and I just feel like such an emotional wad of tears. Missing my Beloved and my heart aching over us only adds to the desire to sit myself in a corner and just cry until I can't anymore. I guess you could say I'm a crier, it's how I try to get through the emotions like a release. It's part of who I am it seems.

Wishcast Wednesday - Sparkle!

Yea yea a day late, what else is new? LOL. I really didn't feel like doing this one at all. Yesterday I just didn't feel very sparkly or shiny or anything remotely close to such. Right now, I still don't. But that doesn't mean I don't want to.

I wish to sparkle in all I do. In my relationships with my Beloved and my girls, in love with my Beloved, in art, in life.

How would you answer Jamie's question of How do you wish to sparkle?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

How Am I Going to Afford to Leave?

That's a question that has been on my mind, in the forefront. No matter how I slice and dice it, I'm still going to need some money to do this. Whether it's to buy a ticket, stay at a motel, buy food to eat...I am going to need money.

But the one question I keep asking is where will it come from? Since I don't drive and all that, and since he'd expect my income to go towards bills as I've said before...a 'real' job isn't an option. Remember the Ogre doesn't know my plans to leave, and I need to keep it that way.

So what other options are there? I've looked at work at home job sites, telecommuting sites, even Craigs List. But you can't tell a scam from the real deal. Well, at least I can't. I would love to do something freelance. I like to do research online about most subjects, I always got A's in writing in my 1 year at college. But I've never been published...so I don't know how to pursue that path. I love to read, but don't know any kind of job that requires me to do that lol.

I don't feel confident enough to sell any art online, not that I've made anything yet either besides my crocheted bags. With that it's I have no clue how to price them, what to charge for shipping, etc. I've been asked if they were lined and currently they aren't. But I was thinking of lining some now. Then I'd need the courage to list them LOL. But I don't think they'd be enough to get me out of here anytime soon. Of course, I could keep making them if they kept selling...but that's an unknown factor. The down side is they may not sell at all.

I don't want to get into any home party type things right now either. I don't have the money to invest and then I'd have to have the Ogre run me all over and I never was good at getting parties booked to begin with. I'm not a pushy person, I'm not overly assertive, so I don't do too well with those types of endeavors.

I am open to suggestions as to what I can do from home to make some money, that isn't a scam, that isn't multi-level marketing, that isn't a home party business.

Friday, March 18, 2011

BIG starts on Sunday...Damn I'm Nervous

So, BIG starts on Sunday. I'm really nervous and excited at the same time. I really don't know what to expect from this whole thing. It was just one of those things that the more I heard about it, the more I felt like I just had to take this workshop. I'm not an artist by any means...well I don't see myself as one. I am still learning a lot about drawing faces and whimsy characters in my art journal. I am still learning how to use my watercolor crayons and paints. And I am scared shit of acrylics...but guess what we're using for BIG...yep acrylics! I feel like such a noob and there's a part of me going what the fuck are you thinking? You can't paint, let alone paint big...you're nuts!

Well maybe I am! I've been in this fucked up marriage long enough and verbally/emotionally abused long enough that I swear I have a case of the crazies.

Some where along the road, I lost the ability to trust and believe in myself...to trust my intuition. To have faith in myself. And of all the things I read about BIG...it's all about getting in touch with your intuition, learning to trust yourself...to be FEARLESS. Maybe somewhere in these next 6 weeks, I will find myself in a place where I can be FEARLESS. Where I won't doubt myself and second guess all the time. Where I can trust myself as much as I trust my Beloved. Where the fears of what I am trying to accomplish won't seem so big and scary.

We shall see. But I know I am looking forward to BIG and to learning to paint FEARLESSly. I am looking forward to breaking free of the Ogre and living a happy, creative, big, fearless, juicy life. I can only hope that my Beloved will share this life I see for us with me, but only time will tell what will happen there.

But stay tuned because next week I will be blogging about my BIG adventure.


The more I think about and try to plan all this out in my head for the most part and on part, the more scared I get. My mind tends to go a million miles a minute, and I start to think what if I can't get the assistance I need? What if I would have to go into a shelter even for a short time to get the assistance? What if I can't find a job? How would I support myself, pay rent and bills, buy food? I know, I am worrying about stuff that hasn't even been applied for yet and about stuff in a place I'm not even at yet. But this shit is scary! I am wanting to move...2200 miles away....by myself! I mean yes it's to be around people I think of as family, it's to be closer to my Beloved even if I don't know what's going to happen with us, it's to gain my freedom from the Ogre. That is my new name for "HIM" ...the Ogre! LOL!!!

And then...I start to feel selfish. I am always putting everyone else first and myself last. The Ogre (well used to), the kids. The girls are 15 and 18, certainly not babies anymore...but to me it still feels like I am being selfish. Like how dare I want a life, how dare I want to be happy and away from the Ogre. How dare I want to be with my Beloved, the man I love with every ounce of my being. And if I end up leaving without them, I start to feel like I am abandoning them. And that is most certainly what the Ogre will be telling them as often as possible.

At what point in my life am I allowed to say enough?! It's time for me...for me to be me, to be happy, to be loved. When? Why do I have to feel like I am so alone, scared, selfish, and like I am abandoning my girls? WHY????

I am tired of feeling like I am holding my breath and walking on eggshells. All week we've been scared that the Ogre was going to have one of his fits. The Ogre has been pissy almost every night this week and half the time none of us knew why. And then...I always get THE LOOK. The one where the Ogre glares at me every time he passes my desk. It sucks because to get to the TV room you have to pass through my room, and to go back upstairs you have to pass through my room. It feels like Grand Central sometimes. And don't dare consider locking the door! Who the hell am I to want some fucking privacy so I can talk to my Beloved, or his mom, or anyone privately for that matter! I asked once to switch rooms, let me have the TV room and make room the TV room...you would have thought I asked the Ogre to cut off his arm. Not the precious! Not the TV room! I was like for fuck sakes! I'm not saying I want the fucking TV just the fucking room! Move that shit in here, and I'll move my shit in there...then I can have more space. A place to sleep and create. BUT...NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm just a bundle of mixed up feelings. My mind can't stop playing the what if game. Like I said, I'm scared, a nervous wreck, feeling like I'm being selfish, feeling like I'd be abandoning the girls...all because I want to take back control of my life and live for me. To be the person I should be, the person my Beloved has seen in me for so long. Is that really so wrong?

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Answers to a Few Questions I Have Been Asked

Okay, phew...I never thought about some of these or I may have talked about them ages ago...I guess it's time for an update of sorts.

Do I have family or friends that can help?

None that would be willing to help as far as my family goes. And it's not that they can't, they just won't. It's how they are. They have their reasons most which hinge, I believe, on how my mother was/is. I can't fault them for that really.

As for friends, over the years "HE" has managed to isolate me from friends and family. So for the most part, there really isn't anyone I can ask for help. And of the friends I did have, we never had the kind of friendship where they'd have my back if I was in trouble. Most of the people I know here are "HIS" friends. And the one friend that I do have down here isn't in a position to help me.

I don't want to go back to NY where I am from. Mainly because it's expensive as fuck to live there. I have no one to stay with if I did. And I don't feel I would have the support system I needed as I went through the healing process. Where as if I went out to Idaho where my Beloved and his family are, I would be around people that care for me and love me and would support me through my healing process.

Is my Beloved and "HIM" the same person?

OH! Heavens no, LOL. "HIM" would be the ass I am married to and want to get the hell away from.

My Beloved is a wonderful, caring, smart, funny, talented, loving man. My Beloved is sensitive and gentle, strong, understanding...He is a really amazing guy! My Beloved is my soul mate and love of my life, the other half of my heart and soul.

Can I stay with my Beloved's family should I manage to get out there?

At the moment, I would have to say no. I haven't spoken to them about it right now. For a few reasons....1) They are having their own financial difficulty at the moment and I don't want to add to any burden. 2) I am still working on a plan to even get out of here, so I don't want to jump the gun and start asking things like that when I don't even have a foot out the door yet.

Some suggestions were made that maybe if they could let me stay for a short time, and I got food stamps and public assistance I could contribute in some way so that I am not causing more of a burden on them financially. Again, I don't know if that would be an option right now. I'm going to focus on fact finding right now. I will talk with my Beloved's Mom and with my Beloved and see what we can come up with.

When it rains, it pours...so things are very tight for everyone right now. So if I can make it out there, I want to have some sort of plan in place where I can either have a place to stay or if the possibility to stay with them for a short time is there, I want to know I can offer something in return.

Do I have a job, car, income of my own, etc?

At present, I do not have a job. I chose to stay home and homeschool my girls, then my Grandma came to live with us and we were blessed to have her for 5 years with us. The little money that was left after she passed away, "HE" blew through it because "HE" just had to have a new car after "HE" promised up and down to get a part time job to pay it off so that I'd have that money for an emergency.
If I got a job, I would have to rely on "HIM" to get me to and from. 1) I don't drive (go ahead laugh lol) 2) there is only one car.
and 3) IF I got a job right now, "HE" would expect me to put any and all money I get from working towards bills, mortgage, food, etc even though "HIS" income should be enough.
So...no income of my own. I am trying to figure out some ways I can make some money with out "HIM" knowing. Maybe some sort of work from home thing that isn't a scam. Getting my ass in gear and opening my Etsy shop. Selling off any jewelry, old homeschooling books, etc.

I've already told my Beloved, that once I am out there I am willing to do what ever I need to do even if it meant going back to work at Wendy's for a while. Yes I'd even go back to insurance but that would me classes and testing with money I should use for other things. But now that's jumping the gun, as I'm not even out there yet.

I hope this clears up a few things. I know I've been rambling a bit in my posts, but I have all this stuff in my head and I need to put them somewhere. And I really need all the support, encouragement, strength, positive thoughts, prayers, candles you name....that I can get for finding a way out, finding the means to do it, for my Beloved and I to find our way back. I love my Beloved with all my heart, I am doing this not just for myself, but for him and for us as well. It is time for me to do what's right for me, and my Beloved is what is right. Getting out of here and away from the Ogre is what is right. So if you all can do whatever it is you do, to help me get through this and find my answers and get out...I will love and appreciate it deeply.

Bright blessings to you all.

So Much to Process...Info Overload

I've spent most of this week just researching Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse. Boy they aren't kidding when they say it can give you a 'case of the crazies'. The more I read, the more it sounds like my situation. Even if it isn't every day, the innuendos, the little remarks, the dirty looks...are always there.

I've spent YEARS blaming myself for it all. Thinking if I had done this or that, things would have been different. But I am realizing that no matter what I would have done, the outcome would be the same. I know now I should never have married him, but I can't go back into the past and change that. I know now that I am not to blame. No amount of counseling can fix this. In "HIS" mind, I am the one that needs to be fixed that there isn't anything wrong with "HIM". Do I need fixing? Hell yes...from all the lies and shit "HE'S" told me over the years. To repair myself esteem, to learn to love myself, to learn to be me, to learn to stop second guessing everything I do. But this thing "HE" calls a marriage...there is no fixing it. I want out and I aim to do just that.

I've also spent quite a bit of time looking up information for what kind of assistance I can get when I get to where I want to be. It's confusing and overwhelming. I don't know if I can get some of the help I will need without having gone through a shelter. And in the end, if it will get me from point A to point B, I might have to do that even if its for a few days until they can get me out of the state. I still need to check and see if they will even do that.

The downside to all this, is that my youngest has pretty much decided she wants to stay here. It makes me sad that she wants to do that. I've tried to reason with her, explain to her why she shouldn't...but she doesn't seem to want to change her mind. It hurts, and makes me feel like when the time to leave comes that I'd be abandoning her. But she just keeps telling me 'Mom, do what you need to do. You aren't abandoning me. If you need to leave, it's okay.' I can only hope she will change her mind, but I don't know if she will.

I am trying to do this one step at a time. Read, read, read...bookmark...read, read, read more. Jot down notes. Go through and see what I have that might be sellable. Purge the unnecessary and unwanteds...clothes, papers, books, junk. Figure out what is important and necessary. Figure out how to ship the things I need like my computer or if I took a bus could I some how take these things with me. But with 4 transfers to make to get from here to there...I don't know if that's a good option. So many things to consider, choices to make, things to do.

But the one choice I am absolutely sure of is that I need to get out. As soon as I am able to, but not so fast that I miss a step or two. I need to do this right.

Monday, March 14, 2011

On the Edge of Breakthroughs or Am I Just Crazy?

I hesitated for well over a week to post up my "Crash and Burn" post. It was and is a hard thing to talk about what my fears have been doing to me and us. I don't know what is going to happen with me and my beloved. I refuse to give up hope...what we have is true and good, honest and pure, it's rare what we have and so very, very hard to find. I will not give up hope on us. We are worth it, we are good together, we belong together. And so hope I will, because I cannot give up.

Living here, feels like I am constantly walking on eggshells and that I live in a house of glass with lots of cracks. One wrong step, and I'm afraid it will all crash down around me. I have this desperation to get out, that I cannot explain. Maybe it is my intuition kicking in? I don't know. Learning to trust and tap into my gut feelings, my intuition, to trust my heart...it's so hard. The first thing I start to do is second guess myself. But my beloved is right there to tell me to knock it off, to stop doubting myself.

Trying to wrap my head around the idea that living with "HIM" has been abusive for most of the 20 years, is really difficult. I've been reading and reading and reading different sites...all the indicators are there. The put downs, the sarcastic remarks, the lies, the yelling, the banging doors or breaking things to intimidate me...and even when he doesn't do these things out right...the little comments, the innuendos are always there. Even the little sexual comments like when "HE" tossed a Hershey bar on my desk a few weeks ago..."HE" said 'you know back in the day a Hershey bar would get a sailor laid'. I was so stunned, I didn't know what to say. And now there's the financial control. "HE" is the only one that can write checks or use the accounts. My name is on nothing. I cannot do any shopping with out "HIM" being present. In fact most times, "HE" goes and gets stuff with out me so "HE" doesn't have to talk me. If I do go, it has to be "HIS" idea when "HE" feels like it. Because it's not all the time, it makes it harder to wrap my head around. But I've had more people tell me it is, and not one tell me it isn't. So if others see it for what it is and I see it for what it is...why is it so hard to accept? Maybe because I told myself I would never get into another abusive relationship again. And yet I did, and I spent some much time blaming myself and then "HIM" blaming me for all the problems...it's a lot.

But the more I try to wrap my head around this thing of abuse, the crazier it makes me feel. I have no visible scars, no wounds, no broken or healed bones. Everything, every scar is mental, emotional...wounds and scars that cannot be seen physically. Having been so isolated from family and friends...talking about this to them has been difficult. I feel like I am coming out of a closet in many ways, but only one foot out and one still in...always afraid someone will turn around and blame me for all of this. Everything I have been reading says that trying to grasp the facts of this type of abuse does make one feel crazy...seems that's the abuser whole intent as part of the control they want/need to have.

I don't want to live like this anymore, I can't! I just don't know where to start to find my way out. I can't get any sort of public assistance while I live here. Emotionally and mentally I don't feel I can handle going to a shelter. More isolation is not the answer. I don't know what steps to take to find my way out of this mess. I don't know what questions to ask, if I can get a Legal Aide or Pro Bono attorney. Trying to figure all this out, makes me feel even crazier. I don't like feeling this way.

I just know I have this desperate feeling to get out and away from "HIM". "HE's" not done anything (yet). But knowing that the for most verbal/emotional abusers the next step is to get physical, that scares me. Would "HE"? I don't know, but I don't want to find out either.

I just wish I could figure out what to do first. And I just wish all this didn't make me feel crazy.


I'm going to do the BIG! workshop with Connie from dirtyfootprints-studio.com!

I don't know what to expect from it. I don't know what this workshop will help me accomplish. But from the things I've read, I just feel like it's something I need to do.

In someways I feel like I'm on the verge of something...a breakthrough perhaps. I don't know. I guess in 6 days, when BIG starts, I will begin to find out hopefully.

Stay tuned .... I will be blogging about my BIG adventure.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Crash and Burn

My fears, my doubts, my worries...caused me to crash and burn. When it hit me what my fears were doing, it was too late. I hurt the person I love the most all because of my fears. My heart aches that I let my fears and doubts in myself consume me so much that I hurt my beloved.

Now, I'm in the process of trying to change all that. I'm trying and learning to stop second guessing everything I say or do. I'm trying and learning how to let go of all the fears and hurts, the doubts and the worries. I'm tired of pushing and shutting my beloved out every time I get scared. I thought by doing that I was protecting him, I had no idea what I was doing.

I want to be the person my beloved sees in me. I want to accept that I am all those things he sees. I do deserve him, I do deserve his love and the love of his family. I had no right to say I didn't. It was their choice to love me, all I have to do is accept it. I can only hope and pray that all is not lost.

All this time he did all the fighting, and I just hid because I was afraid. Now it's my turn to fight. Not just for myself, to change into the person I want to be...but for us. WE ARE worth it, we are worth fighting for.

I love my beloved with everything that is within me, to the very core of me. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He is my soulmate, the love of my life. He is my rock, my angel, my muse. He is my everything. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could ever be. He and the girls are my whole world. I don't want to go through life without him or his love.

I will fight my demons! Every last one of them! I should have fought them before, I was afraid I couldn't win. Now I have no choice but to win. My beloved is always telling me I can do this. He doesn't lie to me, if he thinks I can then it's true. If he believes it then I have to believe it. I refuse to doubt him, I trust him with my life, with my heart, with my soul.

I have finally realized that I am worth it. That I do deserve to be loved and happy. So I will fight until I am out of the darkness, and with his help I know I can make it. I know he hasn't given up on me, I can only hope he hasn't given up on us. I love you my beloved, with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take, I love you. I'm worth it, you are worth it, WE are worth it.

I have to fight. I have to break free of all these fears and doubts. I don't want to end up like my mother...angry, bitter and alone.

And so I fight...for myself, for you my beloved, for us, for the girls. I fight because I love all of you, I fight because we all deserve to be happy...I fight because I have to, my life, my love and my happiness depend on it.