Monday, March 28, 2011

Struggle For Words

How do you dig so deep inside yourself to pour out the words to express how you feel? I try to piece the words into sentences in my mind, and for a brief moment they sound fine until I try to speak them. Then they sound pitiful, mixed up, and I am afraid sound so far from what I'm trying to say that I wonder if I really am being understood. Or what do you do when you have things you want to say, need to say, and you don't know how to say it? I am really struggling with this one. I don't want to hold back that's what got me to where we are at the moment. Holding back made such a mess of things and I'm done with all of that shit. I need to speak from my heart, but how to get the words from my heart out of my mouth.

I am trying to find a way to express myself to my Beloved. A way to pour out my heart and soul. To tell my Beloved how he makes me feel and what being with him means to me. But when I want to say something, I start to feel like I'm pushing. Or when I talk I start to cry. Expressing myself to my Beloved is very emotional for me and goes very deep.

When I am with my Beloved, I am happier than I have ever been. This is a happiness that is different than the happiness my girls (our girls as he thinks of them as his own) bring me. My beloved brings me happiness on a level that they never can. When I'm with him I feel lighter, freer, comfortable and at ease. I don't need to hide anything from him. I don't need to act a certain way or speak differently. My beloved makes me feel safe and loved.

I keep thinking about the first time I got to be in his arms. It is a feeling I want to last forever. Never in my life did I feel more safe and more loved and accepted, more special than I did when he put his arms around me. Just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes. It's a feeling I want to last forever.

And the love...the love goes so deep and strikes to the core of my heart and soul. I feel so alone without him. There is no one and nothing that can fill the void that would be left if I lost him. To not have the love of my Beloved feels like I would only live a shell of a life that I would live with him. There would be an emptiness, a void that could be filled by no one or by nothing.

He is my soulmate. He is the love of my life. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He searched for me until he found me. And when he found me I knew I had been found by my soulmate. I never thought it was possible that we would find each other. All I want is for us to share the life we talked and dreamed about together. A life filled with happiness and love, a love that will grow deeper and deeper everyday. A love that lasts forever in this life and every life we share together.

1 comment:

  1. I can understand what you are saying. Sometimes it can be so hard to get out all those exact emotions...they start blurring together. Sometimes when I write in my blog, I find that I speak in more generalities. I have a problem getting the specifics out. Maybe its a fear of saying what im truly feeling and putting it out there. Even though I left my ex 4 years ago, I feel like I am going through all my emotions I held back for so long right now, so I know what your going through. We are going through it together. Myabe there is someway we can help one another. We are strong women, and I was able to move forward, and I know you can to, you deserve it, and you deserve to be with a man that loves and cares for you unconditionally.