Sunday, March 6, 2011

Crash and Burn

My fears, my doubts, my worries...caused me to crash and burn. When it hit me what my fears were doing, it was too late. I hurt the person I love the most all because of my fears. My heart aches that I let my fears and doubts in myself consume me so much that I hurt my beloved.

Now, I'm in the process of trying to change all that. I'm trying and learning to stop second guessing everything I say or do. I'm trying and learning how to let go of all the fears and hurts, the doubts and the worries. I'm tired of pushing and shutting my beloved out every time I get scared. I thought by doing that I was protecting him, I had no idea what I was doing.

I want to be the person my beloved sees in me. I want to accept that I am all those things he sees. I do deserve him, I do deserve his love and the love of his family. I had no right to say I didn't. It was their choice to love me, all I have to do is accept it. I can only hope and pray that all is not lost.

All this time he did all the fighting, and I just hid because I was afraid. Now it's my turn to fight. Not just for myself, to change into the person I want to be...but for us. WE ARE worth it, we are worth fighting for.

I love my beloved with everything that is within me, to the very core of me. He is the other half of my heart and soul. He is my soulmate, the love of my life. He is my rock, my angel, my muse. He is my everything. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could ever be. He and the girls are my whole world. I don't want to go through life without him or his love.

I will fight my demons! Every last one of them! I should have fought them before, I was afraid I couldn't win. Now I have no choice but to win. My beloved is always telling me I can do this. He doesn't lie to me, if he thinks I can then it's true. If he believes it then I have to believe it. I refuse to doubt him, I trust him with my life, with my heart, with my soul.

I have finally realized that I am worth it. That I do deserve to be loved and happy. So I will fight until I am out of the darkness, and with his help I know I can make it. I know he hasn't given up on me, I can only hope he hasn't given up on us. I love you my beloved, with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take, I love you. I'm worth it, you are worth it, WE are worth it.

I have to fight. I have to break free of all these fears and doubts. I don't want to end up like my mother...angry, bitter and alone.

And so I fight...for myself, for you my beloved, for us, for the girls. I fight because I love all of you, I fight because we all deserve to be happy...I fight because I have to, my life, my love and my happiness depend on it.


  1. Sometimes we have to face our biggest fears to move on and fully live our lives, and allow ourself to love ourself to be loved by others. I'm still fighting with these demons myself sometimes. It's a hard battle, but so very worth it. Good luck <3

  2. Sounds like you are experiencing a period of growth. Having been through it myself, I can tell you that it is not easy, but the peace and serenity you feel in the end is oh, so worth it.