I've spent most of this week just researching Emotional/verbal/psychological abuse. Boy they aren't kidding when they say it can give you a 'case of the crazies'. The more I read, the more it sounds like my situation. Even if it isn't every day, the innuendos, the little remarks, the dirty looks...are always there.
I've spent YEARS blaming myself for it all. Thinking if I had done this or that, things would have been different. But I am realizing that no matter what I would have done, the outcome would be the same. I know now I should never have married him, but I can't go back into the past and change that. I know now that I am not to blame. No amount of counseling can fix this. In "HIS" mind, I am the one that needs to be fixed that there isn't anything wrong with "HIM". Do I need fixing? Hell yes...from all the lies and shit "HE'S" told me over the years. To repair myself esteem, to learn to love myself, to learn to be me, to learn to stop second guessing everything I do. But this thing "HE" calls a marriage...there is no fixing it. I want out and I aim to do just that.
I've also spent quite a bit of time looking up information for what kind of assistance I can get when I get to where I want to be. It's confusing and overwhelming. I don't know if I can get some of the help I will need without having gone through a shelter. And in the end, if it will get me from point A to point B, I might have to do that even if its for a few days until they can get me out of the state. I still need to check and see if they will even do that.
The downside to all this, is that my youngest has pretty much decided she wants to stay here. It makes me sad that she wants to do that. I've tried to reason with her, explain to her why she shouldn't...but she doesn't seem to want to change her mind. It hurts, and makes me feel like when the time to leave comes that I'd be abandoning her. But she just keeps telling me 'Mom, do what you need to do. You aren't abandoning me. If you need to leave, it's okay.' I can only hope she will change her mind, but I don't know if she will.
I am trying to do this one step at a time. Read, read, read...bookmark...read, read, read more. Jot down notes. Go through and see what I have that might be sellable. Purge the unnecessary and unwanteds...clothes, papers, books, junk. Figure out what is important and necessary. Figure out how to ship the things I need like my computer or if I took a bus could I some how take these things with me. But with 4 transfers to make to get from here to there...I don't know if that's a good option. So many things to consider, choices to make, things to do.
But the one choice I am absolutely sure of is that I need to get out. As soon as I am able to, but not so fast that I miss a step or two. I need to do this right.