So yesterday, after staring at the number once I entered it in my cell phone for like an hour, I called the local women's shelter and spoke to an advocate. She is encouraging me to come in and speak to her and a colleague further. She understands my reasons for trying to avoid going to the shelter right now.
She told me every little thing, no matter if it's the silent treatment with the dirty looks, or the full blown being shouted at...whether it's everyday, once a week, or once a month...everything he does down to controlling if or when I can go to the store is all abuse. That really is a hard pill to swallow. She's suggested group counseling but the one she's recommending is at least a 15 minute car ride from me and there is NO WAY in hell the Ogre will take me there. On a Monday night no less.
The other good news though is that they have several lawyers they work with and chances are good they can find one to take me on pro bono. Also more good news is after all that is done, they can help me get out of state. Now, once I'm out there, I don't know what will happen. It's a bit too far ahead to see or plan out. I don't know if they can help get any public assistance applications or housing applications going for me, or they could set me up with a shelter to go to for a little bit.
I need to take this one step at a time. I need to figure out all that I want or need to take. I still have some papers I need to pull together that the lawyer might need. I need to figure out what I will do once he is served with the divorce papers. Is there someone I can stay with or will I have to actually resort to going to a shelter for that time until the divorce is finalized? Still a lot of unanswered questions. If I go to the shelter they can ensure my safety just in case, and make sure I make any and all court appearances. She's even suggesting I consider filing for a TPO. It's a long shot to get a judge to approve since the Ogre hasn't physically or verbally threatened to do me or the girls harm. It would make the Ogre have to leave the house, and I don't know what kind of repercussions this could have later. Yes I know it's there to protect me and the girls if I got one. But outside of the Ogre's threats to have me declared unfit...I am not sure I have a chance or reason to get one.
I also told her about how the Ogre kept telling me at one point I was depressed and that I needed to see a therapist or go to the doctor for medication. She said the Ogre was definitely looking to twist things to make me look or seem crazy and/or in need of meds to use against me later on. Seems to be a classic sign among abusers, one among many.
Anyway, this is where I'm at right now. I will probably go up to see her on Monday since it's walking distance for me to get to. It's all very overwhelming and I just feel like such an emotional wad of tears. Missing my Beloved and my heart aching over us only adds to the desire to sit myself in a corner and just cry until I can't anymore. I guess you could say I'm a crier, it's how I try to get through the emotions like a release. It's part of who I am it seems.