Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Still Haven't Sorted Out My Feelings Yet

My mother is still in the hospital.  It seems for now the jaundice has improved as did her kidney function, they were able to take her off the IV fluids for that.  She was supposed to have some procedure done, but her potassium level dropped.  The doctor said she wouldn't handle the anesthesia for it.  The first endoscopy was inconclusive.  She was having a CT scan a couple days ago with contrast, I think they are still waiting for those results.  Today she was supposed to undergo another endoscopy with ultrasound.  No word on if it was done yet. 

The first time she was in the hospital last year with the stroke, she was also diagnosed with diabetes and they had her on insulin there.  When she was released, they put her on metformin.  Her doctor switched her to Januvia.  A drug known to cause pancreatitis and pancreatic cancer.  From the little I know, I've done a bit of searching and much of what my mother's symptoms are all seem to point to pancreatic cancer.  Being on a drug known to cause it...well, I'm at a loss.  I am hoping they don't find cancer. 

It's like Wendy said in her comment on my previous post of this topic...I feel guilty.  My mother has always for as long as I could remember make me feel guilty even if I did nothing wrong.  She could be angry about things that had nothing to do with me, but could make me feel like it was all my fault.  She's quite skilled that way. 

When I first got married and we told her, she ranted and raved like a mad woman.  She then didn't speak to me for months!  Before that, when the Ogre and I were still just dating...she decided we were getting too close and she wanted to break us up.  I don't know how she planned to do it, she never got the chance.  It wasn't until I was pregnant with my first child....almost 3 years later, that she finally spoke to me again!  We mostly kept in touch by letters after that.  She pretty much kept in touch more or less up until my youngest was about 2 1/2 years old.  After that, her contact became less and less until she stopped all together.  I didn't hear from her for about 5 years when she needed my father's papers.  After that, I never heard from her again.  I did try to encourage at least something with my girls.  I'd coax them to write letters to her and draw pictures.  But her replies to them also become few and few until she stopped all together.

If people that knew us saw her, and asked her how I was....she'd say  "WHO?"  like she didn't know me or like I didn't exist.  In the early days of my marriage, she spread rumors about me that I had to get married because I was pregnant even though I wasn't.   When I was in contact with her and she told people I had written, my mother would refer to me as "it" "she" "her"...never by my name.  I felt like she thought speaking my name would burn her or something.  And yet over the years, I was the one who felt guilty.  I still do. 

I didn't do this.  I tried to keep her in my life.  I tried to keep her in my girls lives.  She chose not to have anything to do with us.  It was her choice, her doing.  So why the fuck do I feel so fucking guilty about it.  I did nothing wrong.  Nothing except get married and tried to have a life of my own.  Nothing except grow up. 

If you've been following me for awhile, you know my marriage is no more.  Little did I know then I was marrying a man much like my, narcissistic, controlling, emotionally and psychologically abusive.  He too had a way of making me feel guilty for things that I didn't do or had nothing to do with me. 

So it comes down to asking why do I still feel guilty about what she chose to do?  Why do I give a shit about what happens to her?  Why do I feel guilty that my aunt is dealing with all this while she is still grieving the loss of my uncle to cancer almost a year ago?  I keep trying to sort it all out in my head but none of it makes sense.  I talk about it with my beloved's mom but I still find no answers. 
Most people that have never been in this type of situation with a parent usually say well you care because it's still your mom.  And I keep coming back to in my mind that anyone can give birth, it takes a lot more then giving birth to be a mom.  To me she stopped being a mom when she tried to keep me in a physically abusive relationship with I was 16.  That's not being a mom when your child is being abused and you would rather see her stay in that relationship.  That's really fucked up!  And that went on for almost 2 years!

So again...when I go over everything in my head that's happened.  When I go over all those choices that SHE MADE!  Why the fuck do I feel guilty?  Why the fuck do I feel like I should be doing more?  It's so fucking frustrating!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Full Wolf Moon Blessings

I wish you all blessings on this first full moon of the year, the Full Wolf Moon. 

I have, for the last couple of days, been feeling the very strong energy coming off this full moon.  To the point, that today, my skin could feel what I can only explain as electric energy in the air.  I feel very on edge, jumpy.  I don't know what to do with myself when I feel the moon this strongly.  I don't know how to channel it.

I decided to pull some tarot cards.  I want to try and do that on a regular basis, especially on the full moons.  I am hoping to remember to do it on the new moons as well, and even pull one daily.  I really want to learn to read them, not just by what the book says they mean but intuitively too. 

Anyway, I shuffled my Gilded Tarot deck and focused on the question "What do I need to know?"  I then fanned out my cards and closed my eyes, chose three cards.  I laid them out in the order I picked them and turned them over.

The cards I drew were:
  1. Ace of Wands (New adventure or way of life.  Pregnancy or birth.)
  2. The World   (Triumph and achievement, success, happiness.)
  3. Seven of Swords  (Diplomacy, not aggression.  Situation not going as anticipated.)
The first 2 have positive messages relating to beginnings, creativity, success.  The third card always troubles me when it comes up.  Especially given that we have struggled so much financially in the past year, from July to now specifically.

I felt inclined to then draw a fourth card from the top of the deck.  This card was the Six of Pentacles  (Successful gains.  Sharing.  Gift.) 

If anyone cares to offer their insights to the cards I drew, feel free to comment.  I always do enjoy another's point of view on them. 

Bright Blessings!!!

Saturday, January 11, 2014

RIP Dear Cleo, You Will Be Missed

Today we had to put down Sister #2's old basset hound Cleo.  She had been declining slowing for a couple of months.  The last couple of days she stopped eating and was always wanting to sleep.  Poor ole girl was just so tired.  She fought a good fight to the end. 

Such a sweet girl, you will be missed.  No more Cleo "OOFS" to hear, no more stumbling over your skinny little butt when you stop short in front people.  Run happy and free in the Summerlands where your pal Caesar is waiting for you.

Friday, January 10, 2014

I Don't Know How I'm Supposed To Feel

I found out this morning that my mother is back in the hospital.  It doesn't sound good.  She had a stroke last year and was diagnosed with diabetes.  From the sounds of it she hasn't been taking care of herself, not eating right, not going back to the doctor for check ups.  So now she's in the hospital with jaundice, in renal failure, and they did a CAT scan which shows a mass on her pancreas.  A biopsy was done on it and they are waiting for the results.  They are trying to reverse the renal failure with fluids, but the doctor has also said that she wouldn't survive dialysis.  I'm not really sure what that part means.

The thing is....knowing all this.....I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.  Do I care?  Do I not care?  You see, we haven't spoken in a little over 15 years.  The last written contact I had from her was about 10 years ago.  These were her choices.  She did not want me to marry not just the girls dad but anyone for that matter.  Her plan I think was for me to live my life with her, doing things her way, supporting her gambling habit, running around to bingo and Atlantic City with her, feeding her co-dependency.  Her plan failed.  She was furious when I got married.  Has pretty much blamed me for everything that's gone wrong in life.  If it wasn't my fault, it was my late father's fault.  Anyone and everyone's fault but hers.   She chose not to have a relationship with my girls.  So for the last 15 years, she has basically disowned me and acts like I don't even exist.  It used hurt and make me angry.  Now it just makes me sad because she missed out on so much.

My family feels I should be responsible for her should anything happen to her.  They don't understand that I can't.  Financially I don't have the means to do anything.  Flying alone would cost anywhere from 450-over 700 depending on when.  How can I be responsible for someone who doesn't give a shit about me?  I can't cover any of her expense should she pass. 

I honestly don't know how I feel about any of this.  Except a sense of guilt because I don't have the money to do anything. 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Happy 2014!

First day and first post of the new year!!  Woo Hoo!  It is my sincerest hope to blog more often.  I think I set a record last year ending with 37 posts since I started this blog.  There is a lot on my "to do list" for this year besides blogging more often. 

Some of those things are:
  • To read more books!  I got a Kindle for my birthday just a standard, non-fancy one.  It's been great to discover different authors by downloading free books.  But this isn't going to be a hard goal to reach...I love books, I love to read!
  • To start a daily habit, if not weekly habit of keeping a journal.   
  • To take part in "The Documented Life" project.
  • To draw a daily Tarot or Oracle card.
  • To take part in the 365 Days of Art challenge.

There are more things on my list, I keep adding to it as I come across things I want to try or things that I want to accomplish this year.

Over the last few days, I've been thinking about what my word(s) for 2014 should be.  I started a list of ones that kind of struck a cord with me.  And as the new year drew closer, the words "Authentic Self" started to resonate.  Then late yesterday and again today, "Emerge" kept popping up.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wanted to find and "Emerge" as my "Authentic Self".  I was so tempted to back to me first word from a couple of years ago "freedom", it was so powerful and life changing.  But I didn't want it to be that easy and fall back on something.  I am truly trying to find my "Authentic Self" the who I am, where am I going, what is my path and goal in life self.  And I realize that I truly wish to "Emerge" as who I am, what ever that may be. 

So there they are!  My words for 2014: "EMERGE" and "AUTHENTIC SELF"  or to better phrase it "Emerge as my Authentic Self"
I hope these words serve me better than "Dare" did last year.  Some where along the way, it fell short.  Or more likely, I fell short and did not "Dare" as much as I should have.

Here's to finding my "Authentic Self" and "Emerging" as such.  Here's to an amazing 2014!!!!!!!!