Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Still Haven't Sorted Out My Feelings Yet

My mother is still in the hospital.  It seems for now the jaundice has improved as did her kidney function, they were able to take her off the IV fluids for that.  She was supposed to have some procedure done, but her potassium level dropped.  The doctor said she wouldn't handle the anesthesia for it.  The first endoscopy was inconclusive.  She was having a CT scan a couple days ago with contrast, I think they are still waiting for those results.  Today she was supposed to undergo another endoscopy with ultrasound.  No word on if it was done yet. 

The first time she was in the hospital last year with the stroke, she was also diagnosed with diabetes and they had her on insulin there.  When she was released, they put her on metformin.  Her doctor switched her to Januvia.  A drug known to cause pancreatitis and pancreatic cancer.  From the little I know, I've done a bit of searching and much of what my mother's symptoms are all seem to point to pancreatic cancer.  Being on a drug known to cause it...well, I'm at a loss.  I am hoping they don't find cancer. 

It's like Wendy said in her comment on my previous post of this topic...I feel guilty.  My mother has always for as long as I could remember make me feel guilty even if I did nothing wrong.  She could be angry about things that had nothing to do with me, but could make me feel like it was all my fault.  She's quite skilled that way. 

When I first got married and we told her, she ranted and raved like a mad woman.  She then didn't speak to me for months!  Before that, when the Ogre and I were still just dating...she decided we were getting too close and she wanted to break us up.  I don't know how she planned to do it, she never got the chance.  It wasn't until I was pregnant with my first child....almost 3 years later, that she finally spoke to me again!  We mostly kept in touch by letters after that.  She pretty much kept in touch more or less up until my youngest was about 2 1/2 years old.  After that, her contact became less and less until she stopped all together.  I didn't hear from her for about 5 years when she needed my father's papers.  After that, I never heard from her again.  I did try to encourage at least something with my girls.  I'd coax them to write letters to her and draw pictures.  But her replies to them also become few and few until she stopped all together.

If people that knew us saw her, and asked her how I was....she'd say  "WHO?"  like she didn't know me or like I didn't exist.  In the early days of my marriage, she spread rumors about me that I had to get married because I was pregnant even though I wasn't.   When I was in contact with her and she told people I had written, my mother would refer to me as "it" "she" "her"...never by my name.  I felt like she thought speaking my name would burn her or something.  And yet over the years, I was the one who felt guilty.  I still do. 

I didn't do this.  I tried to keep her in my life.  I tried to keep her in my girls lives.  She chose not to have anything to do with us.  It was her choice, her doing.  So why the fuck do I feel so fucking guilty about it.  I did nothing wrong.  Nothing except get married and tried to have a life of my own.  Nothing except grow up. 

If you've been following me for awhile, you know my marriage is no more.  Little did I know then I was marrying a man much like my, narcissistic, controlling, emotionally and psychologically abusive.  He too had a way of making me feel guilty for things that I didn't do or had nothing to do with me. 

So it comes down to asking why do I still feel guilty about what she chose to do?  Why do I give a shit about what happens to her?  Why do I feel guilty that my aunt is dealing with all this while she is still grieving the loss of my uncle to cancer almost a year ago?  I keep trying to sort it all out in my head but none of it makes sense.  I talk about it with my beloved's mom but I still find no answers. 
Most people that have never been in this type of situation with a parent usually say well you care because it's still your mom.  And I keep coming back to in my mind that anyone can give birth, it takes a lot more then giving birth to be a mom.  To me she stopped being a mom when she tried to keep me in a physically abusive relationship with I was 16.  That's not being a mom when your child is being abused and you would rather see her stay in that relationship.  That's really fucked up!  And that went on for almost 2 years!

So again...when I go over everything in my head that's happened.  When I go over all those choices that SHE MADE!  Why the fuck do I feel guilty?  Why the fuck do I feel like I should be doing more?  It's so fucking frustrating!

1 comment:

  1. My mom was emotionally abusive and distant, my dad an alcoholic. I left home in my early twenties and never looked back until a few years later when, despite everything, I began missing my mom and called her. She told me never to call again. Throughout the years, I did a lot of crying for my mom, but knew that I had done nothing wrong. I came to the understanding that some people should never have become parents, and will forever thank her for giving me life. Be at peace with yourself, my friend. Know that none of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong.