Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Has It Really Been 5 Years?

This past week I've just been feeling down. I would expect it to only be today, not the whole week. But when I think about it, I realize that it makes sense.

Five years ago I lost my Grandma to breast cancer. It came back with a vengeance and had spread through body viciously. Five years ago this week, I was told I would have at best 3 months...I got a week.

I felt lied to and cheated. I wanted my 3 months. I wanted one more Thanksgiving, one more Christmas, one more New Year's. I wanted my daughters to have one more birthday with her. We were all robbed of that.

For most of the past 5 years I blamed the doctor and was angry with him, I felt he lied to me because he was a family friend. I entrusted my Grandma's care to him because he was a friend. Because I was his daughter's nanny. I felt like he lied to me when he said I'd have 3 months and I didn't get it. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't...I'll never know. Maybe she let go so I wouldn't have to see her in pain, so I wouldn't have to see her suffer.

But by gods I miss her! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish she were still here with me. She was like a mother to me most of the time. She felt like I was a gift to her, replacing the daughter she lost so many years ago. My father wanted to name me after his sister, but it didn't happen that way. But still, I was her angel...her "little anioĊ‚ek"

The only thing that gives me solace is that she isn't suffering and in pain. And that hopefully she is at peace and reunited with her sons, her daughter, her parents, and her husbands.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Attempting NaNo - Round 7

This is my seventh year of attempting NaNo. My best year I got close to 5,000 words in before my world fell apart. After that, the rest of the past years I've just faltered for one reason or another. Usually I succumb to those evil gremlin voices that tell me I'm not good enough.

But it's a new year with Samhain having just passed. And I just want things to be different, better. I want to be better. I want to ignore those gremlin voices and tell them where they can go. But, at the same time, as long as I hear them well then I must be doing something right if they are so determined for me to quit. Right?

I admit I'm floundering here at the beginning of NaNo. I've only gotten to 299 words so far. I was trying to write in first person, but it's just not working for me. I always seem to be "looking at the story" as if watching a movie. I wanted to try a different POV, and I found this story just isn't cut out for that. So tomorrow/later hopefully, I will start from square one and rewrite it in third person POV or omniscient ( I think that's the right word) POV.

I don't know if I'll hit 50,000 words. But if I get anywhere passed 5k...that would be an improvement over past attempts. Since I don't have anywhere to go tomorrow I don't think and other than watching "Puss n' Boots" before we have to return it...I SHOULD be able to dedicate a bit of time to actually writing.

So here's to hoping for 50k words!