Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Has It Really Been 5 Years?

This past week I've just been feeling down. I would expect it to only be today, not the whole week. But when I think about it, I realize that it makes sense.

Five years ago I lost my Grandma to breast cancer. It came back with a vengeance and had spread through body viciously. Five years ago this week, I was told I would have at best 3 months...I got a week.

I felt lied to and cheated. I wanted my 3 months. I wanted one more Thanksgiving, one more Christmas, one more New Year's. I wanted my daughters to have one more birthday with her. We were all robbed of that.

For most of the past 5 years I blamed the doctor and was angry with him, I felt he lied to me because he was a family friend. I entrusted my Grandma's care to him because he was a friend. Because I was his daughter's nanny. I felt like he lied to me when he said I'd have 3 months and I didn't get it. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't...I'll never know. Maybe she let go so I wouldn't have to see her in pain, so I wouldn't have to see her suffer.

But by gods I miss her! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish she were still here with me. She was like a mother to me most of the time. She felt like I was a gift to her, replacing the daughter she lost so many years ago. My father wanted to name me after his sister, but it didn't happen that way. But still, I was her angel...her "little anioĊ‚ek"

The only thing that gives me solace is that she isn't suffering and in pain. And that hopefully she is at peace and reunited with her sons, her daughter, her parents, and her husbands.


  1. A tough week I am sure. There must be times when you feel her close to you.

  2. Ellie, my grandma died when I was 16 years old. She went to the hospital with a toe infection and never came home again. I'm nearly 65 now, and I still miss her...especially around this time of the year. I believe that they are always with us; they are always in our hearts.