Tuesday, December 31, 2013

To 2013, I Bid You Adu

And believe me, the year will not be sorely missed.  In fact here at the house, we can't wait for the year to be over and for 2014 to start.  Hopefully, wishing wholeheartedly that the coming year fairs better for us all.  Not just for us here, but to all of you out there in blog-land that had a sucky 2013.

I wish for all of you a year of peace and love, abundant joy.  A year filled with good health and healing, an abundance of prosperity in ever manner.  May it be a year of all that you wish and dream for, yet so much more.

We are spending the evening at home where it is warm and cozy and filled with love.  Where ever you are and what ever you do tonight stay safe and have fun. 

In this 37th and final post for the year, GOOD BYE 2013!!  And HELLO and WELCOME 2014....please be a good one!

Thursday, December 26, 2013


It's come around to that time of year where it's almost over.  Just a few days from now we will bid farewell to 2013 and ring in the new year of 2014.  As the year draws to a close, I find myself once again reflecting back over the past year.

This year in a lot of ways wasn't the best year, in fact it was pretty darn awful.  If it wasn't for the "Happiness Jar" we have sitting on the counter, we might forget that it wasn't all bad after all. 

The year started with the loss of a close family friend's 6 month old grand daughter who never woke from her nap.  The following month, sister #3's fiancee lost his older brother.  The month after that my uncle lost his battle with prostate cancer.  And the losses mounted from there.  I've lost count just how many people Sister #3 and her fiancee have lost this year.  At one point it seemed every other week someone else they knew died.  Here at the house, we have lost three cats and one dog.

Then June rolled around and my Beloved's Dad felt something was off with his blood sugar.  He went to have it checked and it was indeed too high.  Him being a long haul driver, this took him off the road.  He has now been home for six months.  This has made finances VERY tight!!!!  It is now under control and he has long since filed all the proper paperwork, but he is still waiting for official approval to go back to work.  The government shutdown a couple of months ago did not help the process.   The financial strain is taking it's toll emotionally.  Especially over the holidays.  We have the nicest, kindest neighbor couple.  If it weren't for them, we wouldn't have had our Christmas dinner.  They provided us with a small beef roast and a small turkey.  Not to mention the other beef they have blessed us with over the last month.

Over all this has been a hard year with small blessings sprinkled in.  We are all truly looking forward to a new year and hopefully a better year.

As I am thinking about the past year, I think about the word I chose which was 'dare'.  I don't feel like I dared as much as I would have liked.  I let things like fear and doubt get in my way yet again.  I did dare to dream some, I did dare to create some art (2 pieces of which I actually hung out over my computer desk where everyone can see them), I did dare to write (and I won my first NaNo even if I did rebel it.).  I just wish I had dared more.  So I sit now and think about the year ahead.  Jotting down words that I might choose for 2014.  Writing down things I would like to accomplish next year.

Here's to hoping we can end this year on a good note at least.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Writing Update

I am pleased with my progress with NaNoWriMo so far.  I have never written this much ever, not in any attempt at writing or NaNo.  The last chapter I wrote, ended up as total shit.  It wasn't what I was expecting for it.  I'm a panster, I don't have outlines and stuff like that.  I have a general idea of where I want things to go, but I have just been letting the words pour out and where ever it ends up is where it stays for now.  I have tried to redeem it somewhat, so we will see.  Right now it's all about the word count and not how good or bad it is.

Today is day 14, which means the should have written 23,333 words so far.  My current word count is at 20,913.  I am coming up a bit short at the moment, but that's okay because I know I can still meet the goal.  I also feel like I need to make up for the day I decided to rebel instead of stick with the story I am working on.  I was already upset that the chapter turned into a shit-fest, but then I got pissed off at other things and I figured being a rebel for a day was better than not writing at all.  So that's like another almost 1600 words I need or want to make up for.  To make up for everything, I need right around 4,000 words today.  I know I can do it.  I just find I procrastinate until the last minute.  I can't help it, part of me is amazed at how many words I can put out in the last hour or two of the day.  It's a bad habit I'm forming if I let myself keep doing it.

I know I can write close to 5,000 words in about 3 hours.  That was what I needed to catch up last week when I pulled a muscle in my lower back.  I went to YouTube and found a LotR Trilogy soundtrack to listen to and just wrote and wrote and wrote.  There was about 10 minutes left on the play time when I finished.  That was probably one of my proudest days so far.

You know I see a lot of people that are participating that are posting stuff about how stressful it is and how they have no life for the month, among other things.  I used to stress...A LOT...about NaNo.  This year though, I decided to take a different approach mentally.  I really don't know what "clicked" and made the difference.  I know I am not letting myself stress over.  And I do have a life.  I still can watch my shows and play my games, I can still raid 3 nights a week with my guild in World of Warcraft.  I have been able to go out, too.  This isn't an editors deadline or word count here people, relax and have fun.  Big difference in my "omg doom and gloom" attitude of NaNos past I can tell you. 

Like I said, I don't know what changed for me or in me.  But something has.  It's almost like a light bulb went off or a switch got flipped.  I truly cannot explain it.  Do I think what I have is publishable?  Hell no!  Do I think it's any good?  Right now, another HELL NO!  Is it going to be worth editing and then perhaps sending out to query?  Um, I don't know.  The goal right now it just to get it out of my head.  Then I will see about getting a hard copy printed off and red penning it.  After that, I dunno.  But for now, I am just going to enjoy myself and the fact that I am finally writing.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

And We're Off!

Let the writing frenzy commence.  Well it did for many at the stroke of midnight local time all around the world as WriMo-ers attempt to write 50,000 words in this month of November.  I have joined the pack as I have done every year for the last eight years.

In between writing spurts, I have been marveling at how well some others have been doing.  One gal...she challenged herself to write all 50k in 24 hours and DID IT!  She was just over the 50k and still had about 4 hours to spare.  That my friends is some insane writing right there!  My friend Wendy...made it to 15,000 on her first day!  Her personal goal was 9k.  (I'm jealous, but happy for her too!!)  I have seen some many varying degrees of first day success, it's amazing!

Before I headed to bed, shortly after midnight on the first, I wrote the first few lines of what will my NaNo novel.  I just couldn't go to be without writing something.  I got some sleep and hit the computer shortly after 10 AM.  Did a quick email and facebook check, and then dove into writing out the beginnings of the chapter that I had sketched out days earlier.  I ended the day with just over 2,000 words!  The goal for the day was only 1667.  I was...am pleased to say the least.  I wrote on and off through out the day so as not to stress my shoulder too much. 

When I went to bed last night, it was all I could do not to come back out to my computer and write some more.  If it wasn't for my protesting shoulder, I might have done so.  But I got back up this morning, and after the usual check of email and facebook again.  It's habit, I just make sure I don't let myself get sucked in by the games right now.  They will be there.  I worked some more on writing.  It seems so right to be writing.  I don't know what it is.  Before I knew it, I was over 4,000 total and set a goal to reach at least 5,000 for the day.  I passed that now too.  I am a full day a head of the daily mark.  I am so proud of myself right now.  I just hope the momentum keeps up and that all the characters just keep throwing things out at me.  It has been a good two days for me writing wise. 

Here's to hoping the next 45,000 words come just as easily.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

One Hour Till NaNo

Just as I suspected, expected, anticipated?   NaNo is about an hour away from kick off and I don't know if I'm feeling it.  I've been wondering why that is.  Why do I have all this excitement and drive let's say leading up to it?  Then, when it's almost time or it is time, it starts to fade away.

I think I may have actually figured out part of that.  November 1st is my Grandma's birthday.  She would have been 93 this year.  November is also the month of her passing.  And I miss her so much!   And it hurts not to have her here.  Earlier in October we celebrated my Beloved's grandmother's 93rd birthday.  I've come to love her and am very fond of her.  But there is that part of me that aches knowing my own Gram's isn't around to celebrate her day anymore.  I miss our day of going out and celebrating our birthdays together.  (My own was just a couple of days ago.  So we would always go out and celebrate ours together.)  I think it's the missing her that starts to take over and everything slips away.

I know she wouldn't want me to not do something because of her.  I need to find a way past this, so that I can write...especially in November.  I had a dream of her a few days ago.  It was very vague, I don't remember much of it at all other than she didn't seem too happy.  But the whole dream, of what I do remember, was very strange and made no sense at all.

It is now 11:11 PM.  It is my wish that I have a successful NaNoWriMo.  And I wish all of you participating have much success as well.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Winter is Coming, And So Is NaNo

The weather is turning colder and colder.  Far colder this year so far as I can recall.  We've already had temps down into the 30s at night, with frost.  Starting next week, on Tuesday we can expect night time temps into the 20s...in fact Tuesday night is supposed to go down to 22!!  I'm starting to think there's some truth to the Wooley Bear Caterpillar!  Mom's seen 3 of them so far in the last month.  I saw my first yesterday, and it only had a thin band of reddish-brown around it's middle.  According the almanac's and old-wives tales, the thinner the band the harder the winter.  If these early low temps are an indication, I don't know what to expect for the next few months.  Does that mean we have lots of snow coming?  Just very cold temps?  So according to this cute fuzzy caterpillar...Winter is Coming!!

And next week, so is NaNo.  Five days until insanity ensues.  I'm happy that the voices in my head are tossing things out at me left and right.  I'm trying to keep things written down.  I have characters from my old, original NaNo project begging to be put in this one.  I have the character from that collaborative exercise demanding to be included as well.  It could all work out really well, it totally could.  I so anxious...no....I can't wait to get started, it's so hard to not start right now!  In my attempts to not forget ideas and writing them down, I end up instead writing 2-4 pages of stuff.  Crappy stuff, lacking all the details and scene description but still....and it makes me want to keep going and not stop.  It worries me that come the stroke of midnight and the calendar turns to November everything will stop just like it has before.  I don't dwell on the daily word count part too much, more that I want to reach the finish line.  I don't know what it is that makes me freeze up, that makes the voices grow silent, that makes my Muse disappear.

I was thinking about making an altar to Cerridwen.  The Goddess of writers, crafters, artists.  She was the first Goddess to ever call to me.  I don't know what I would put on an altar to her.  Maybe it would help, maybe not.

I just want to be able to write and be good at it.  I just want to win a NaNo even if it's all total shit and not written in an organized manner. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

NaNoWriMo Is Coming!!!

Screw it!  I can't do the NaBloWriMo!  I've been feeling like shit on and off for the last couple weeks.  From feeling like I'm trying to fight off a cold, to my allergies set off by the on going harvests in the surrounding fields, to a couple asthma attacks (nothing serious, thankfully), and lastly left shoulder and right hand having pain and exhibiting symptoms of arthritis.  I'm too young for this shit!  Arthritis? SERIOUSLY!  The weather's turned fall like very quickly.  And the cooler temps have really kicked up the achy-ness. 

So instead of doing the blog wrimo, I'm getting ready for NaNo which starts on November 1st.  This year is the 8th year I will attempt to write 50,000 words in 30 days.  I'm also going to try and participate in 3 Books in 3 Months.  The goal is to write 3 short stories, flash fiction, or books in 3 months.  It started a couple of days ago.  I don't know what direction to take.  I figure I'd have November covered with NaNo.  But this month and December, I'm a bit stumped.  I'm still not sure what to work on for NaNo either. 

I spent the afternoon going through the forums for adoptable ideas.  I found a few that would work with at least one of the plots rolling around in my head.  I really need to make this happen!!! 

I wrote earlier on my wordpress blog, how I was reading some old emails between my long lost friend and I...the one that I was trying to the writing exercise with.  Now we're talking emails that are 4-6 years old!!!  It goes back to when we first talked about writing and doing that exercise, to when we started it over.  My GODS!  I sounded so pathetic!   Somehow reading what I was feeling at the time, all the bullshit of how god awful I am really hit me. 

Not only did I read in those emails how good at writing he thought I was, but they also included me telling him about how my Beloved thought I was good at it.  Which then reminded me of the one time I got the courage to share a piece to be critiqued by someone in a Fantasy Writing Yahoo group.  And they too thought I was good, that I just needed to work on my "voice" and that I needed to do more showing instead of telling.  So in the span of a couple of years, I had three different people tell me I was good.  Yet I still let those damn gremlins tell me how much I suck!!!  WTF is wrong with me?  I mean seriously!  SHIT!  Wake the fuck up girlfriend!!!  Another thing he told me was basically if I let the fear and doubt take control it will destroy my creativity.  And ya know what?  He's right!

Now does that mean the gremlins will STFU?  Probably not!  Will they be yapping away in the back of my head....kind of like they are right now?  Hell yeah of course they will be.   Will I listen?  I'm gonna sure as hell try not too. 

Well I know nothing at all about writing short stories or flash fiction, but I'm gonna learn and try my hand at it.  I'm going to give NaNo my best effort next month!!!  I'd say failure is not an option, but shit happens.  No, I'm not setting myself up to fail already or saying I will, but what I am going to do to is try my damnedest to write those 50,000 words next month!!!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Intent Is There, NaBloWriMo Day 2

It is, it really is.  It's all up here in my head.  All these different things I think about posting about or not posting about :D

Then there's the stuff I should be writing for 2PAD challenge, of which I have fallen behind...again.  I could list my excuses like the weather's been changing, the farms around here have been harvesting so that's got my allergies flaring up, or they just flare up in general, I kept feeling like I was trying to fight off a cold, and I could go on and on how all that was/is affecting me.  But then I ask myself, What about the rest of the day?  There are plenty of hours between waking and sleeping to do the writing/posting/etc you want to do.  

The thing is (maybe this is in my head, I dunno) ever since I started actually writing back in uh 2005 or so, I always seemed to have gotten the most done at night after everyone was in bed.  That's when I would research and write, though I did a lot of research during the day too but still, most of the actual writing I did was late at night.

This month is National Blog Writing Month, 31 days - 31 posts.  I never got around to it yesterday, I really wasn't sure if I was going to try even to do it.  I still haven't really made up my mind.  I also need to think and prep for NaNo next month.  I was going through some of my earlier attempts at writing and NaNo.  And came across a couple of print outs that I had of a story/exercise I was doing with a friend.  We started one and after a few back and forth writing on it, he wanted to stop that one because things I was writing was getting too close to his novel plot ideas.  So we agreed to start over with something else.  And this time, things were getting too close to some ideas I had for a plot.  Now here's my dilemma on this....we've lost touch.  He got "too busy" with his life/job/wife to keep up our exercise or our friendship.  Okay fine, whatever.  I'd really like to use these for one of my stories at some point.  Can I use all of it, his and mine or just mine?  I have to rework some of what I wrote, but like he wrote out what one of the characters looked like and she is very close in description to what I had in mind except for a couple of minor details.  There isn't enough of what we did together to even probably make up a full chapter.  (what we did was I'd write as much as I could come up with, then he'd take up where I left off, then it was my turn to pick it up again.  we did that on both exercises.  the intent was to get us writing and our creative juices flowing.) 

It really sucks sometimes having all these plot ideas in my head and no idea who to get them on paper and molded into a complete and readable story.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Really, REALLY Annoyed!

Yesterday was going along peacefully.  I was feeling a tad under the weather, I think I might be coming down with an end of summer cold or it's weird allergies.  Anywho...my young one called to ask me about something they found rummaging through a closet.  As always I was delighted to hear from my offspring.

Until that is she starts firing off tidbits of what's going on over there.  Then my nice day is suddenly not so nice anymore.  First it's that they are made to clean out a room that was turned storage to make a space for a guest the Ogre's sister has coming to visit.  Yes the Leech is still living with them.  Complaining about how miserable she is living there every chance she gets.

Then she drops another thing in my lap...his sister the Leech wants to sell off my Grandmother's record albums.  Because she thinks they'll fetch a lot of money.  And in her opinion, there are lots of people out there that want old polka albums.  (insert SCREAM!! here) I don't give two shits if that were the case.  They aren't hers to sell!!  She has no fucking right to even suggest it.  I told the girls that I hope they have the balls to stand up and not allow her or anyone to do that.  Not with the records, not with anything that isn't theirs!

We talked a bit more about stuff, then she informs me that the Leech and possibly the Ogre under Leech's influence of course want to invite her son, his second wife, their 3 kids and 3 dogs to come live at the house.  Supposedly only until Junior can find a job and get on their feet.  Now I have several problems with this....1) Leech can't stand wife #2, 2) she doesn't acknowledge their 2 children together, 3) I can't see him leaving his son with wife #1 behind, 4) it's almost a given that the girls would be expected to give up their rooms to accommodate Junior and his brood, 5) the Ogre hates my girl's little Yorkie I can't see him being okay with 3 more dogs in the house.  And those are just off the top of my head.  She tried once before when he was married to the first wife to get him to move back and live with her, he said no then.  (oh and she hated the first wife too.  so much for being a good christian and loving others).

She always has been a cruel, manipulating bitch but this shit just takes the cake.  I can only image the shit she'd put this poor girl through if they actually did move back.  If how she treated me and shit she's said about me over the years is any indication, I hope Junior at least has the sense to stand up for his wife.

It's shit like this that really pisses me off.  That and the fact that there's nothing I can do about it.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Writing or Lack Of, Degree-Study Thoughts

I'm still trying to get the hang of  the whole WordPress blogging thing.  It's just not as easy as here.  So I'm not totally sure if I will share it or not. 

Anyway, I've been participating or procrastinating the 2 PAD challenge.  I started it a few days early to give myself some leeway if I happened to miss a day here or there.  But I am coming to realize that it was and is just an excuse not to write one day here or there.  The reality is I tend to write at night, when things are quiet(er) unless you count the distractions of dogs barking across the field or coyotes howling. 

It's not that I don't want to write because I do.  I have this nagging thought with this current writing piece that I'll run out of memories to use and then I'll be left with nothing to write about.  There's so many things that I blocked out or chose to forget.  I got really good at detaching from things that I can't remember some things that happened or it's so vague I can't flesh out all the details.  I know that writing this out is going to be a little all over the place as I jump from memory to memory as they pop up. 

My character that I'm calling Melly at the moment is the one with the memories, my memories.  She can't remember her life or parts of it.  She is institutionalized but doesn't know how or why she is there.  (No, I've never been committed though I'm sure if you ask the Ogre he'll tell you I should be LOL).  This place and the doctor isn't all that it appears.  She knows something is wrong, but she's kept so medicated she can barely function.  Details I don't know is what kind of medications would do that to a person, don't know much about the facilities and other characters right now either.  I haven't quite hashed out how she got there, but I do have an idea for that.

This is so far off from what I like to write.  And just sharing that much is kind of scary because I don't usually like to talk about what I work on.  It saves a lot of grief to just stay quiet instead of receiving tons of criticism for your choice of genre.

I've been thinking some today too about studying for a degree.  As it was pointed out in the comments on my other post that I basically don't need a piece of paper to do what I love to do which is paint, art, write, and take photographs.   And that is very very true!  I don't.  Will I use said degree later on to get a job in a field it might be good for?  I don't know.  A degree is something I have always wanted.  It's something I've been told over and over by people in my life that it's a waste of time.  Not because it is a waste, but because in their minds they deemed it unnecessary AND it took attention away from them because I'd be focused elsewhere.  I also thinking it would help me later on with writing, if I focused on a degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing for example.  I could also open some journalism opportunities for me too.  These are just things I'm thinking about.  It is very feasible and definitely possible that I will change my mind again as I have before, many times.  A degree though, has always been a heart's desire of mine.  Something I did for me, for my own benefit and betterment.  And to prove to others that I'm not as stupid as they think I am.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Hello September!

Wow, 2nd day of the month already!  The days are flying by!  Soon the holidays will be upon us and boy I'm not ready!  But I am ready for cooler weather!  The rain today was so very welcomed.  It's been months since we had a good rain. 

Opportunity!!  I have the chance to participate in creating an oracle deck.  A piece of art that I create, would be turned into a card for the deck.  BUT...I don't know if I will be able to do this.  I cannot commit to paying for 4 decks that I would then be able to sell or give away as I choose.  This makes me sad in some ways because I love the intention behind it all.  We are going to give it a couple of days and see what plays out.

Writing...I got a jump start on that 2 page a day challenge to cover my ass if I miss a day here or there.  I almost let myself talk myself into not doing any writing yesterday.  But then I thought...HEY!  It's the first day damn it and you're going to write!!!  And so I did and wrote two and a half pages!!!  I surprised even myself.  I might have even written a bit more but by that point the Nyquil was kicking in.  I haven't written yet today, but the thoughts were coming together for what I might write later. 

I don't know, it just feels RIGHT to be writing.  I don't know if I have enough in me to keep with this train of thought but we'll see.   In someways, writing this is a little scary.  I am afraid of what I might remember.  I managed to block out and detach from so much of my childhood and stuff that I don't know if I can remember things.  It almost feels like a way of healing.

Well it's late, there's only roughly 45 minutes left to the day and I still need to write my 2 pages.   So until next time....

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Thoughts and Things

It's the end of August, another month over and gone.  Four months left to the year.  And what have I to show for it?  A few new paintings, a few words written.  Nothing I would call significant.  I don't want to waste the next four months with mediocrity.  I want to do something with these remaining months of the year.   I really want to figure out a way to possibly do some work towards a degree.  This is something my Beloved and I will need to talk about to see what would be doable and find out what resources for funds are available to me (yes Mary, I'd LOVE more input from you on this). 

Today we went to a farmer's market in a small town called Emmett.  It was the first time I was at a farmer's market that I actually saw the fruits and vegetables so affordable.  I mean seriously...eggplant for 50 cents!  cukes for 25-50 cents!  Peaches the size of baseballs for about 1.50 a pound!  Most things were under two bucks.  The area was just so quaint.  I'd love to go back and check it out a little further one of these days.  The art gallery caught my eye, so I'm curious to see what it might hold.

Today is also the birthday of a girl that I was in high school with.  She would have been 44 today.  She died in June of 1984 from injuries she sustained in a motorcycle accident.  Even though we weren't close friends, I took it hard.  Actually for most of the school year, we weren't friends.  I was more the brunt of hers and the rest of the little clique's teasing.  But we had cosmetology together.  Somewhere around May, she suddenly started being nice to me.  Offering me advice about how to train my hair to feather back.  How to wear black eye liner.  I think she may have even styled my hair in class once or twice.  I was wary of the kindness but welcomed it too.  I felt like if she accepted me the others would leave me alone.  Then we had off for Memorial weekend, and that's when tragedy struck.  I would pass by her house almost every day that week to ask her mom how she was.  A week later, she was gone.  I don't know if anyone still thinks of her, or visits her grave.  But I've never forgotten the beautiful red haired girl full of life and gone too soon.

I guess part of it is thinking of her and the time she doesn't get to have that is really making me look at things like this.  I don't want to waste my time piddling about, letting things slip away.  It also reminds of the tarot reading I had 3 years ago.  She told me I would write books.  So why am I not doing it???  I think we know that answer, I have talked about it a few times in previous posts.  I also want to prove to myself that I can.  That my childhood dreams can be a reality.

On that note, tomorrow starts the 2 page a day challenge.  Well...in 15 minutes to be more exact!  I plan to participate.  Key word is PLAN.   Then there's NaNo in November.  So the idea is to write everyday at least 2 pages.  Work in some art.   Talk with my Beloved and bounce ideas off Mom about this degree thing.  Figure out what I'd want to major in....English?  History?  Creative Writing (this one scares me)?  Liberal Arts with a focus on English?  I need to start living the life I want and deserve rather than just talk about it or complain that I don't have it.  I have the hardest part covered---a support system, people that encourage me.  So by not acting, I'm not just letting myself down but I'm letting them down too.  That needs to change.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Why Do I Do This to Myself?

I always seem to do this.  I get this thought in my head, I get myself really thinking about it.  But it's not possible, not even close to the realm of possibility.  And yet, I went and got the thought in my head.

Back in my early years I started college.  It wasn't my first choice, but it was the one that TAP and PELL would cover completely.  I started out as a business major.  I was doing well, that is until I had to take algebra...dun dun dun.  I can NOT do algebra to save my life, nor do I give two shits about something I'll never use.  So I changed majors (HAHA! Take that algebra!) to Humanities with a focus on childhood education (I'd have to double check my transcripts to be sure that was the focus).  And I was doing well.  I was on the Dean's list.  I had a 3.8 GPA.  I was happy.  Now this wasn't exactly going to be my chosen field but I was thinking my degree would get me into a 4 year college and I could focus on what I wanted. 

I was twenty, I didn't know what I wanted to major in really.  I actually was considering Liberal Arts.  Once upon a time, I wanted to go to NYU or John Jay and study law.  But my brain doesn't work that way.  I'm not analytical.   But I love reading and I love history.  Hence why I pondered Liberal Arts.  Then I married the Ogre, and a year later we moved to FL.  And there went my college days. 

I've thought about going back a few times.  But every time was the same thing, no money no transportation...a long list of nos!

Well, today we were driving and some how the topic came up.  And once again I was talking about how I wanted a Liberal Arts degree.  However, my Beloved thinks that's silly.  He thinks I should at least major in English, History or Creative Writing.  (HOLY SHIT!  Someone who doesn't think those are stupid majors or a waste of time!!!)  My reason for wanting an associates in Liberal Arts is I don't know which road I want to take.  At least that way I can explore them all.  Great idea, right? 

Not so much.  I still don't have the money for it.  I still don't have a way to get there.  I don't even know which school here I'd consider.  Though the one I did look at....23 grand for tuition alone!!!!  I don't want to take out loans. 

So I've gone and done it to myself again.  Dreamed of a college degree that I can't get.  Briefly got my hopes up to let myself down.  The reality is I can't, we can't afford it.  I guess the best I could do is look at free courses online and try to make the best of it.  All I'm doing by thinking about school is letting myself down....hard.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

On Writing...Part 2

For what ever reason, I don't feel like I was truly done.  But I kept digressing and going on bunny trails.

Back to why.  I really don't know why for sure, it's just always felt like something I had to do.  Needed to do.   This is why it gets so frustrating that I haven't been able to.  I don't necessarily want to be famous, although making some money from it would be nice.  I don't want all the glitz and glam of being say JK Rowling, constantly in the ever watchful eye of the media.  I can totally understand why she wrote the one book under a pen name.  But I wouldn't mind making a comfortable living from it.  Or at least one that could support my art needs.

Something that's popped into my head a few times, even as recently as last night, is to write something that is a cross between fantasy (ie: elves and dragons) meets steampunk.  My problem...I don't know a lick about writing steampunk AT ALL!  I know squat about things operating by gears and steam and all that goes with it.  So I don't know how I'd pull that off.    I want to write a story, well more like finish writing my witch story.  I got off track with that too.  It was my go to when I couldn't work on my original project.  But even this fell victim.

I think part of my downward spiral to not writing, aside from Gram's passing, was that the Ogre always told me what HE thought I should be writing.  That no body would want to read my attempt at fantasy.  That I should write about Brooklyn more specifically the neighborhood I grew up in and mobsters and such.  First of all, that's not what I want to write about.  I'm not into mobsters and crime writing like that.  HE's the one that allegedly hung out with or did business with some supposedly small time local mobsters.  Business as in he install alarm systems into their homes and businesses.  Whether or not these people really had any connections or not, I don't know.  It took me years to find out that all of what he said was bullshit and lies.

Then he'd do the whole "are you done yet?" "why not? when are you going to finish?"  "why aren't you writing what I told you to?"  "nobody wants to read that fantasy shit."  At one point I told him that if he wanted this mobster story written so fucking badly why don't he write it himself.  It did shut him up of awhile, but then it was back to the same crap.  Eventually, I ended up not writing at all.   And that's where I am at today.  Struggling to find my voice, to find my Muse.

The other problem I  have....I have a habit of writing like I talk most of the time.  Or more precisely how I talk in my head.  I tend to write too passively I think.  And I do a lot of telling and not enough showing.  I write a lot in past tense even if it's current, does that make sense?  I guess maybe a lot of the time my character is reliving the past perhaps?  I don't know how to change it up to not be so much of "she was" or "they did".  I suppose adding more description to scenes and surroundings wouldn't be too difficult as long as I have a clear vision of what it looks like.  I just don't know how to not write in past tense.  It's just how I think and how I write.  I was told by someone once that the only person it's ever worked for is Maeve Binchy.  But I've never read her books so I wouldn't know.

Does it even matter at this point?  Isn't the point that I write?  Isn't it more important to get the ideas, the plots, the characters and places out of my head into written words?  I would think so.

I wish I had a space in my room enough for a small desk to set up my laptop on.  I wish I knew how I could balance my time and my mind to do both my art and writing.   I wish I knew how to bring forth my Muse and keep her close so that I can create with abandon.

On Writing, I Am Hopeful

Okay so...this writing thing, one of the things I want so desperately.  Why?  That question just now, this moment popped into my head.  Why? Why do you want to write?  Why do you want it so badly? WHY????????  I...I........I don't know.  I just do.  Ever since I was in sixth grade I think.  When I first read the "Little House" books.  I'd been watching the series reruns on TV everyday.  Then I started reading the books.  I was captivated.  I wanted so much to be Laura!  I wanted to live on a farm and have a horse of my own.  To have chickens to feed and collect eggs from, and cows to milk.  I wanted to make butter and cheese.  To sew my own clothes, even if it was more of status symbol to have 'store bought'.  I wanted a wagon or a buckboard. I wanted a house like Pa built with a loft to sleep in.  To grow my vegetables and can them, to bake bread from scratch.

Now you're thinking no no no that's farm living not writing.   And that may be true.  But it is also what got me started on a dream to write.  I wanted to write all my stories down in marbled composition notebooks, just like Laura did.  My first story that I was thinking of writing?  Well, see around that same time, I found out I had an older half sister.  So naturally, my book was letters to my sister.  I always imagined her name was Barbara for some reason.  It's not though.  I never did finish my story, or my letters.  I did finally find her though.  It's just sad that her adoptive family doesn't want her to have anything to do with me or the family.  And sadly, it sees she is abiding to their wishes.  Sometimes I want to write her a letter and sometimes I think...why should I care or bother.  She friended me on Facebook when she first signed up, then she promptly unfriended me.  That made me sad.  It's sad that she won't even take the time to get to know me and be friends if we can't be sisters.  I am aunt twice and a great aunt too, and I will never know my nephews.

But again, that's not the point of why or even the point of this post. Now is it?  Sorry about that :)
So, the short answer is that ever since I was 12 and read those books I wanted to write.  I used to in my teens attempt poetry.  But all those got lost.  I think over the years I've made feeble attempts here and there to write, but it never amounted to much of anything.  Usually at best it was "Chapter ONE"  It was a dark and stormy night...................  Okay maybe that's rather cliche but you get the idea.

Fast forward to about 2005.  I have an idea.  I start to research things about elves, dragons, faeries, etc.  That's also about the time I think the Goddess truly started to call to me because my pen name was Cerridwen.  Though I was going to use one of the other spellings that I thought flowed better for an autograph.  Oh yes, I was dreaming big!  Then I got a laptop that Christmas.  And I would burn the midnight oil, writing and researching.  I think it was around this time too, that I really started to realize that my marriage was wrong.  Okay so...for the most of 2006 now, I'm writing and plotting and researching.  I have a habit of writing it in long hand then entering it on my laptop and editing as I go.  And I thought it was going great.  November comes around, NaNo starts and I'm ready...I'm going to do this.  Then Gram's goes into the hospital, after a week she is sent home.  Less than a week later on Thanksgiving Day, she's gone.  Dead!  I'm devastated. 

In that moment, the words stopped coming and my Muse grew silent.  I have struggled ever since.  My original story still sits in my binder and on my laptop.  Hoping to one day return to it.  But, right now, I am trying something different.  Something new.  In an effort to get myself writing.  On and off for about the last week or so, I have started to write in a notebook.  They are memories from my childhood and teen years.  I started off thinking I wanted to write from the POV of my character, who is a version of my 17ish year old self.  But last night, as I was writing, it occurred to me I think I want to change that part.  Still from the same POV, just that the character is perhaps older.  That way I can include more into it if I choose to.  I haven't sketched out anything about the character or the story.  I'm just writing down memories.  The bad ones, the ones that changed things for me.  The ones that are hazy and want to remember more of. 

But I'm writing, no pressure, just writing.  I do however, want to participate in a challenge that starts on September 1st.  It's to write 2 pages a day until the end of the year.  By that time, you should have a complete first draft manuscript.  I'm not going to pressure myself or beat myself up if I miss any days.  I don't know yet if I will continue with these memory writings are do something different or both.  I'm just happy to be writing!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Full Moon Blessings!

First I wish you all full moon blessings!  May the old things be cleansed away and new, good things begin.

I've spent the day working on setting up a Weebly site, a Deviantart site, and a Facebook page.  For months I have been trying to brand myself in some way.  To come up with a name and all that sort of thing.  Then it hit me today...I AM The Forgotten Muse.  It's been in front of me all along.  And so, that is what I'm going with.  Yes, I might change my mind later.  Then my work would start all over again.  But for now, this is what it is. 

I don't know why, all of a sudden, at this moment in time it feels so urgent to do this.  It's just like "Do It NOW!!!"  Get yourself out there.  I'm in no real way ready to sell my art direct from me.  But I will get there.  In the mean time, I plan to offer prints from Deviantart.  Though I have discovered that my DPI isn't high enough to offer larger than 5x7 in some cases.  (Okay, I only have 2 things listed in my gallery so far.  That's a huge step!)  Hopefully I will be ready to share some of the links here soon.  It's a step I am working on, a fear I am trying to overcome.

I know this means I seriously need to get and keep my ass in gear and paint my little heart out.  That's a little scary too.  In some ways I feel like I haven't much inspiration.  I want to paint intuitively but quieting myself to do that is quite the challenge.  But if I want to do this, it's something I need to overcome as well.

Last night/early this morning...I was having a dream.  It was an odd dream.  I was caring for an infant, it wasn't my child.  I don't really know now who it belonged to.  I don't remember if it was a boy or girl.  But it was in my care.  We were being chased.  Someone wanted to take this child.  Whoever it was, finally caught up to us and it was The Rock.  Of all people!  Then I wasn't sure if he was trying to take the child or help me protect it.  I don't really remember.  I feel like this might have some meaning to it, but I don't know if it's just my thinking or if it really does.  I don't remember a whole lot about the dream other then The Rock, this infant I was trying to protect, fast cars, water and marshes.

Well back to thinking and planning. 

Monday, August 19, 2013

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

I have been feeling more and more lately that I really need to take shit seriously.  I've even started to pick up the paint brush again.  Though this week was a flop since the niece was here and then I hurt my back.  Which by the way is still hurting, a bit better but still painful.

Today, I stepped out of my comfort zone a bit.  Well WAY OUT for me.  I opened an account and posted some of my art and photography on see.me.    I'm not going to share it here just yet because I'm not sure that I'm ready to have my name out there on here yet.  Part of me wants to drop the curtain and use my name on my blog and part of me doesn't.

If I do decide to put my name/face up on the blog it may be that I turn some of my earlier posts private.  There's just some things that I don't want certain people to see.  It's easier than trying to explain myself, to explain why I felt that way or why I wrote what I did.  I know, they may not even read the blog if I went "public" but if they did it would just be easier than having to explain or justify my words.

But since I really want to get myself out there with my art and photography, I have 2 choices when it comes to blogging.  I either A) go "public" with this one.  or B)  I start a new blog with my real name on it so that I can share the links and such to places I would have my work up.  With B, I could then post the link to it on here and you could choose to read/follow it if you want to.  And I wouldn't have to justify anything.  I do have a wordpress that I could use but I really don't like the dashboard there.  

It's just more thinking I need to do about how to handle the blog connection to things.  I still have a lot of thinking and planning to do to even promote my work.  Like do I want to have a website for it?  Do I want a Deviantart (not sure if I spelled it right) account?  Do I want to try Etsy (I really can't afford the listing fees right now though)?  Do I want to brand myself?  What would I call said brand?  etc etc etc.........Still so many decisions.  It kinda gets overwhelming.  Plus I need to actually keep painting consistently!!!  I need to do my promised pieces for 2 friends of mine.  One of which is to design a memorial tattoo.

I want to overcome the things, the thoughts that hold me back.  I NEED TO!  And this isn't a time for baby steps or I'll never get myself going. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013


This I think could only happen to me....LOL.

Thursday we went out sneaker shopping.  Seeing as mine are over 6 years old and well, even though they aren't falling apart I'm just not getting the proper support from them anymore.  So we're out and about, stopped into Payless and I was trying on sneakers.  I felt a slight twinge and told myself to be careful about how I move again.  Tried on a couple more pairs and still not finding something I was happy with.  So we went to look at the mens sneakers to see if anything by chance would feel good.  I was trying on a shoe and OUCH OUCH OUCH OH SHIT OUCH!!!  I felt it!  My back HOLY FUCK did it hurt!!!!!!!  I almost couldn't straighten back up and certainly couldn't bend over.

Okay this day isn't going well now.  Can't find a pair of sneakers I can be happy with and now I'm in pain.  I tried to walk it off.  We then decided to check "Wally-world" aka Wal-mart.  My back wasn't fairing much better.  We thought maybe trying to pop my back would help some...but, it wouldn't pop.  I could hardly sit and get back up to try on shoes there too.  And again, not able to find a pair I was totally happy with. 

All I kept thinking was shit this can't be happening.  We're going to the County Fair on Sunday...I want to go on the water log ride!  I can't be in pain.  I wasn't a happy camper...still not :(   I iced it the rest of the day on Thursday.  And that night and all yesterday I did heat.  I'm still not at a 100% and so my Beloved is forbidding me to go on the ride.  I'm so bummed!!! 

I'm just hoping I can make it through the day tomorrow.  I've never been to a County Fair before so I'm kinda excited about it.  But more so, I just want this pain to go away. 

Until next time...........

Monday, August 12, 2013

Reflections, Part 2 and Art

I really don't know where yesterday's post came from.  It certainly what I wasn't thinking of posting, at least not the way it came out.  But I think maybe it was something I needed to get off my mind.  Recovery from emotionally abusive and narcissistic relationships is long.  Especially when they make you feel like it was your fault that things happened as they did.  Or that you make them behave that way.  There are still days that I feel like I'm to blame, that maybe it was all in my head.  But I know I'm not alone.  I know there are others who experienced the same or similar abuse/treatment. 

Today I took time to light a candle and put on some of my 'new age-y' music.  I love to listen to Llewelynn sometimes, and it's been awhile since I have.  Then I listened to some Medwyn Goodall.  My candle smelled delicious...it's organic and has a citrus scent.  I took a small leaf off my White Sage smudge stick (that I've never lit!!)  and lit it - the small leaf and let the smoke waft in the 4 corners of my room.  I didn't want to light the whole stick seeing as I wasn't alone didn't want questions.  I was content with my little leaf for that moment. 

I also did some art today.  First time in a couple of months at least.  It felt good.  I finished a piece I worked on several months ago, maybe even last year sometime.  I wasn't happy with it, but I couldn't do anymore with it so I put it in the closet until it felt right.  Today was that day and I think I am finally happy with it.  I have another small piece on my easel but I'm really not liking it at all!  And then I've got my BIG paper (that's been on my wall blank forever!) and I finally got something going on that.  Not sure where it's going to lead to yet.  I'm having a very hard time with my acrylics today, they don't seem to want to spread/flow the way I want them too.  Not sure if it's the weather, the ceiling fan being on, if I need to wet my brush more..or if it's all or none of these.  I'm just glad I got the brush in my hand and actually did something besides just think about it.

Sunday, August 11, 2013


Sometimes, I sit and think about my life and wonder where the fuck did I go so wrong with it.  There are times I just feel like a complete failure.  Okay, a lot of the time.

Like how I let an abusive addict control my life between 16 and 18 years old.  I swore I'd never get involved with an addict given my father was an alcoholic.  But it happened anyway, learned behavior maybe?  Or how I let my mother control me for so long.  She all but encouraged this relationship.  Every time I broke it off, she would find a way to get us back together.  Maybe it was the time he held me at knife point in a subway stairwell that finally woke her up.

In a way, I guess my mother was abusive too.  Is that the right word even?  I don't know.  It seems too easy to throw it around.  But she was controlling, quick to put me down, and could serve up the silent treatment if I didn't agree with her better than anyone I knew.  I don't know if she was/is bipolar, narcissistic, or what.  Yet I put up with it because all my life she put the 'fear of Mom' in me.  Short of saying I brought you into this world I can take you out. 

Fast forward a couple more years, now I'm married to a narcissist.  I didn't know it at the time.  He was charming and persuasive.  A smooth talker as my aunt said.  He could make you believe just about anything.  Made promises out the ass.   In the end, I gave up going to college after a year to move to Florida with him (we were married a year at this point).  Lived with his sister for 6 months, didn't know it then but they are so much alike!  At this point he really hadn't shown his true colors yet.  But slowly after we were there, he would make comments and suggestions to subtly break me away from my family.  I was in Florida with no friends or family anywhere near me.  After a few more years, the controlling behavior really started to show.  The put downs, the belittling.  The making me feel like I was crazy.  The first time I was taking my oldest back home to meet the family, he told me if I even thought about not coming back he'd have me arrested and declared unfit.  Now at the time, this hadn't really crossed my mind.  I never even once threatened to leave or not come back.   But those words scared me!!! 

Three years later and two kids later, the relationship isn't improving and his narcissism only gets worse.  But everyone thinks he walks on water and can do no wrong.  He's made that same threat a few more times here and there, pretty much solidifying me staying so I can be with my kids.  And I got blamed for everything wrong in our lives.  I could do nothing right, I was stupid, I was lazy...in his opinion.  Things had to be done his way or it was wrong.  His favorite thing to say was "if you know how I want things done, why don't you just do it that way to begin with and then I wouldn't have to get mad".

Then I decided I wanted to homeschool the girls.  I feel like I failed them miserably at it.  I feel like I have failed with my kids in so many ways.  Getting them to do their work was near impossible.  Maybe I should have done things differently, maybe homeschooling was a bad idea after all.  I feel like I've let them down in every way possible.  I suppose at some point in life every parent might feel like they have failed their children.

So where am I going with this post?  I really don't know to be honest.  My past just makes me feel like I failed as a daughter, as a wife, and as a mother.  I know that I can't blame myself for what my mother and my ex did or how they made me feel.  I can't blame myself for the choice my girls make now that they are old enough to make their own decisions.  I can only hope I instilled enough in them that they won't get lost in the world. 

I need to shed all this junk that holds me back.  These feelings of failure and inadequacy.  I need to find and make my own happiness.  I am happy to be with my Beloved, to be surround by nature as we are.  I love being here with him.  I just really need to find a way to come into my own and be who I was meant to be, to be the person he sees in me.  I need to find the key to unlock the door and set her free.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Missed 2 Days, Thoughts

I knew it would happen.  It usually does.  The first day I missed blogging I was so tired I actually forgot.  Yesterday well....I just didn't know what to write about.  Here I am today and still no clue as to what to write about.

I've really just been trying to figure things out, I suppose.  How to get myself motivated.  What should I name my imaginary art studio?  The place in my mind where I can see myself making art and writing.  Why can't I get myself motivated?  Why do I let myself get distracted by random shinies? 

Why do I find it so hard to go after the things I want in life?  What am I afraid of?  Well that's easy...rejection, criticism, failure, fear itself...just to name a few.  Most of the time, it's enough to make the shinies very attractive.  And therefore I get nothing done.  I really need to work on this stuff.  But how?  *sigh*

Wednesday, August 7, 2013


"She really needs to sort out her priorities." ~~ Ron Weasley

That's basically me in a nutshell right there!  I just can't seem to get myself to do it.  I want to write.  I want to make art.  I want to blog.  But I just can't for the life of me get my shit together enough to do what I want to do.  What I need to do.

I want to write because one day I hope to be published.  I don't want to be JK Rowling famous, but I would like to be able to buy a few nice things.

I want to make art, to paint.  Not just for me, but to sell as well.  If anyone would buy it, I don't know.   But like my writing I'm afraid I suck at it too much.  And if I don't suck too much, I don't want it to become like a job where I end up hating or resenting it.  Does that make sense??

I want to blog (more).  I just don't feel like I have anything to "talk" about most days.  I suppose I could like blog about things in the world that strike a cord with me.  Like the young woman in Florida who got 20 years for firing a warning shot in the air, warning her abusive ex to stay away from her.  This in itself would take a whole post at minimum.  As a survivor of abuse, this really hits home.  Maybe this will be a post for tomorrow after all.

I just really want to figure out a way to do, to get myself motivated to do the things I want and need to be doing.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Today is a bitter sweet day for me.  It's my Daddy's birthday.  He would have been 71.  But he died at 52 on Christmas Eve.  He met my oldest once.   He was so weak I had to lift her onto his lap so he could holder her.  He never met my youngest.  It makes me so sad that they didn't get to know him.

My Dad was an alcoholic all my life.  Once, when I was about 11 or 12 his job made him go to AA.  He was sober for about 3 or 4 months.  It was nice.  He would go grocery shopping with us and even offer to help me with homework. But then his "friends" made fun of him.  And he started drinking again.  After that, he didn't stop and things went down hill from there.

When I was a little girl he would play with me.  Drunk as he would be sometimes, he would play with me.  I loved it when he would spin me in circles.  I was never afraid that he'd hit my head on something.  How a drunk man didn't get dizzy and drop me or hurt me...still makes me scratch my head in wonder.  He would carry me on his shoulders or he'd get on all fours and let me "ride" on his back so he could tuck me in at night.  He would play hide and seek with me.   I can't remember when it was that things changed.

I remember a night when I was about 3 or 4.  I had these blue canvas sneakers with the white rubber across the toes that were marked "left" and "right".  They had ABC's and 123's on the sides.  I remember my mother scooping me up, grabbing those sneakers and rushing out the door to get away from him.  We walked around the neighborhood, not returning until she was sure he was asleep.  I remember we crept up the stairs in the hall listening...then we heard his snores and knew it was safe. 

I don't have many happy memories because he was always drunk when he came home from work.  I mostly remember him yelling in Polish.  Him being too drunk to take off his shoes, so I was told to do it. 

When he got sick and ended up in the hospital, I thought I'd get a second chance with him.  A chance for us to have the relationship that alcoholism stole from us.  I had planned to bring him to live with me.  But then, while in the hospital, he had a heart attack or something.  I just remember the doctor saying they cracked his chest and worked on him for 45 minutes to no avail.  So alcoholism stole even our second chance.

I miss my Dad.  I miss what could have been.  I miss that we didn't get a chance to be the father/daughter we should have been.  I miss that he didn't get to see his granddaughters grow up.  It sucks that we got cheated out all that.  I am grateful that I forgave him and told him so months before he died.  I'm grateful that he knew I didn't hate him.  I just hope he's been able to find the peace I know he didn't have here in this life.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Day 5 of 30...Blog-a-long

I really really suck at this posting at a decent hour, timely manner.  I guess it's more important that I am actually posting rather then when or what time I am.

Went into town today.  Browsed through Target.  I was looking for something specific.  A snack food.  The company site said Target carried it.  Couldn't find a single bag of it any where!  It's kinda sad too that I emailed said company last week and have yet to hear back from them too.  Maybe I'm just not meant to eat these things!  LOL

Poked around in Bed Bath & Beyond too.  Sometimes they really have to coolest things in there.  Today they had a "bed of nails"  Its a piece of cloth covered foam with these plastic spikey discs all over it that you are supposed to lay on.  They had a pillow too.  It's supposed to be some sort of accupressure, but it didn't look like it would be too comfortable or like it would actually work.

But the real miracle of the day was that I was right near Michael's and DID NOT go in there.  I believe me, I wanted to.  Truly I did.  But I restrained myself and resisted the urge.  I'm kinda proud of myself for not going in.  Even if I do need gesso and some matte medium.  And even if I really want to try painting on an actual canvas.  *sigh* 

Alas, I didn't get any arting done today.  And now I'm too tired.  I just want to go curl up with "Nevermore" by James Patterson and relax.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

That Flower Is...

Here I am posting late yet again.  Damn it I'm determined to do the blog-a-long for 30 days with Effy!!  I just seem to get sidetracked, distracted, etc.  I need to stop doing that. :)

I really didn't know what to even write about today.  Honestly...I even forgot about it until just now.  I'm bad I know lol

So I thought I would simply do an update regarding my post from a couple of days ago about the mystery flower.  A dear Canadian friend found out it is called "Velvetleaf".  Who'd have thought that a plant with velvety feeling leaves would be called something so simple and oh so obvious.  LOL  But it isn't a good plant, sadly.  It's a broad leaf weed that can grow to 5 feet tall and its leaves can span up to 8 inches across.  Its seeds can lie dormant in the ground for up to 50 years!!!   It can also harbor diseases that are harmful to crops such as corn and soy.  I think it said cotton also, but I'd have to double check.  As pretty as it is, it will have to go. 

Hopefully I will do better about remembering and not getting sidetracked tomorrow.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Sailing...Yard Sale Style

Today was a day spent yard sale-ing.  I didn't find much today.  Just a pair of overall shorts, a cute skirt, an herb book, 3 rainbow stamp/ink pads (75 cents for the 3!!), a cute stamp of mini flowers, and a butterfly stencils.  I had better luck at the library book sale.  Fill a bag for a buck.  We filled 2!  I scored 10 books!!  Among them: "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil", "The Poisonwood Bible", "The Forgotten Garden", a book by Marion Zimmer Bradley that isn't part of the Avalon series, "Three Cups of Tea", "Five Quarters of the Orange", "Fried Green Tomatoes" (I love the movie!!) and a few others.

Between hunting for yard sales, we stopped at Burger King for lunch.  There we are sitting and feasting on our BK delicacies when I looked up and here comes a man crossing the busy street wearing a top hat and ...O.M.G.  he had a monocle too!  Then it hit me, we were near where the weekend anime convention was going on.  Soon I realized there were others in BK from the same convention.  Including the adorable young lady in a Tardis tank dress.

We ended our day at a Barn Sale, basically it was a yard sale in a barn.  This is where I scored the stamp pads.  From there we headed home to relax and then partake of some delicious Papa Murphy's pizza and some cheese cake for dessert. 

Then I discovered I got sunburned!  Surprisingly, thankfully it doesn't hurt.  My lips and cheeks feel a little tingly but my neck and shoulder though red feel okay.  Hopefully it stays that way.

I fully intended or thought about at least of doing some art today.  Just never got that far.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!!

Friday, August 2, 2013

What flower is it?

This is only partially what I was hoping for today.  My day didn't go as planned and thus I am posting later then I intended to also.  But here I am and here's my post for day 2.

The question is:  What the heck is it?  The buds are rather large, but when it blooms the flower is smaller than what the bud was.  The huge heart shaped leaves and stems are very soft and velvety feeling.  I mean the leaves really feel like a piece of velvet!  I tried to get some decent pictures but the breeze wouldn't cooperate so this is what I have right now.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Blessed Lammas

I full intended to blog MUCH earlier today.  But as usual, I kept piddling around with things instead of focusing.  And the next thing I know it's 11:36 PM and I hadn't blogged.

See I've been on the fence about the blog along with Effy.  Mainly because, well...we all know how that goes.  I was supposed to blog everyday in June.  The topic was right up my alley.  And I dropped the ball.   Shit happens, I know.  But still.  It bugs me!!

Well, here I am.  I'm going to try yet AGAIN.  I don't know what all I will write about.  Maybe on somedays I'll just post a photo I took and write about it.  Like uh say for tomorrow's post.  I'll post the photo tomorrow and maybe someone can help us solve a mystery.

I just wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a Blessed Lammas/Blessed Imbolc.  May you and yours be blessed with love, health, happiness, prosperity.

I bid you good night as I go find another book to read.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Whoops! Fell Off the Blogging Train

Sorry about that....I didn't forget it's just been a busy kinda week.  I had briefly thought scheduling the posts for the week last weekend, but changed my mind.  I guess I should of done it after all LOL.  OH WELL!  No biggy.  I can and will catch up this week ( I hope :D )

This week I got to go to Whole Foods.  Oh how I love that store!  Mostly went to look and check prices.  Their produce department isn't as big as I thought it might be.  I picked up some Israeli Couscous.  I have no clue how to make it or what to do with.  I've been wanting to try couscous again, but I don't care for the finer one.  A friend suggested I try this instead.  So we'll see.

I really need to work on my weight and eat better and cut out the bad stuff more regularly.  When I came out here 2 years ago, I was 115 lbs.  Slightly underweight as I had been all my life.  Now I'm not a big junk food person (soda is probably my biggest weakness, and I've been good at limiting myself to 1 a day if I even have it).  My activity level is no different really from 2 years ago to now...yet some how I've gained more weight than I intended and I'm up to 160 lbs.  (but I don't feel like I weigh that much)  I've NEVER been that heavy in my life!  Not even 9 months pregnant with my girls, with both pregnancies I only ever hit 140 lbs. 

The thing is I don't know how to lose the 25-30 lbs I'd like to shed.  I have a lot of food allergies so I have to be careful.  I also have to be careful if I did any sort of work outs too as I have issues with my back and knees.  I honestly don't know what to do or how to start.  Suggestions?  Advice?

I've been finishing up another piece of art this week as well.  It's a piece I had penciled months ago.  I just didn't know what medium I wanted to do it in or if I even wanted to finish it.  I colored it with oil pastels.  I am going to call it done for now.  But I am happy and unhappy with it at the same time.

Friday was 2 years ago that I made one of the biggest changes in my life.  I'm adjusting to life in Idaho.  My beloved and I are doing great.  In many ways I feel like I am finally being me, coming out of my shell.  Yet in others I feel like I have more healing and more growing to do.  The biggest challenge in all of this is being away from my girls.  I miss them very much.   Accepting their choice to stay there is probably one of the hardest things I've had to do. 

As for the Ogre, I have not spoken to him since I left and haven't had any email correspondence with him since that October.  Listening to my girls, he hasn't changed at all.  I'm not surprised though. 

With the 2 year mark having passed, PMS, the New Moon, and no chocolate...I'm having those doubts of not being good enough creep in a little.  You know the little voices that say 'your arts terrible!'  'you're not worthy of (fill in the blank)'  'you're a terrible mother'  and so on and so on.  I'm really trying to keep it under control and ignore them.  I know it's mostly the moon phase and PMS.  When my cycle falls during a specific moon phase, my emotions run amuck.  Thank you hormones and Aunt Flo!!! NOT!!!!!!!!!!  I know I'll get through it.  I always do.  I'll probably end up crying on my Beloved's shoulder at some point this week because that's what usually happens.  Then he'll hug me and tell me everything will be okay and it usually is.

I'll try my best to catch up on the NaBloPoMo this week.  I know we have a couple of busy days coming up again, so I might fall behind but I'll try not to.   Have a great week!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

An Amazing Feat!

Who knew!!??  I did NOT think it was possible!  It's amazing!  I need to make the calendar...seriously....

I went to Michael's  today and bought NOTHING!  NADA!  ZIP! 

Not that I didn't find things I wanted but I was a good girl and just browsed today. 

I'm looking for oil pastels that are good but inexpensive.  They had (surprisingly) the Crayola brand that had 28 colors (I think) for $5.99! They also had the Sakura brand both the student grade which I have a set of already and I like well enough, and they had the next step up from that 25 colors for $16.99.    They had a few soft pastels but that's not what I'm interested in right now. 

I am currently using the student grade Sakaru brand, Reeve's both their oil pastels and their water soluble ones, and some cheap kiddy art kit ones.  Blending is where I'm having to most difficulty right now, I find the Reeve's don't blend as smoothly as I'd like.  I have found that if I use a bit of baby oil it helps. 

Still not sure how I feel about them, but they are kinda fun.  And who knows...maybe I'll even share something I made.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

June is NaBloPoMo and BuNoWriMo

NaBloPoMo June 2013

In an effort to post more often, I thought I'd try participating in NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month).  It's like NaNo but for blogging.  The theme is "ROOTS"...genealogy.  It has daily (M-F) prompts that you can use if you choose to.  Since genealogy is actually one of my passions I really think I might be able to do this.

 It is also BuNoWriMo hosted by The Burrow.  The goal of course, to write 50,000 words in the month of June.  You can also read more here at their blog.  They also have a Facebook page.  If you are familiar with or have participated in NaNoWriMo in November, then you know what it's all about.  Same idea, different month.

Now I don't yet if I will attempt the novel one, even though I've been thinking about it.  I don't want to over commit myself and fail.  Especially since I have finally started arting again.  *happy dance*  I've been experimenting with oil pastels.  I'm still not sure if I like them enough to use them frequently.  Part of that could be because I have some really cheapy ones, the brand that everyone pretty much says to avoid LOL.  But I will use what I have for now.  And that was pretty much how I spent my Memorial Day weekend, at my easel making art.  And BOY!  DID IT FEEL GOOD!!!

So now with a little luck, you may have another post from me tomorrow :)

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

How Do You Say Good-bye When You Can't Be There?

My heart is aching once again. 

Sunday morning, my youngest called in tears "Are you okay Mom?"  My heart stopped, I told her I was fine and asked her what was wrong.  She asked if I knew or if I had been online yet.  I told her no to both, and then she told me my Uncle died.  I froze!  My heart dropped and I cried a cry from deep within.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I rushed over to my computer and pulled up my Facebook page and there was the message from my cousin telling me ever so briefly that her dad had passed away shortly after midnight.  I didn't know he had taken a turn for the worse.  I didn't know that the cancer had spread.  I hadn't heard anything in the last six months, so like always I figured no news was good news.  I guess I was wrong.

He had been battling prostate cancer for a couple of years.  It had gone into remission a few years ago, but as I understand it came back about 2 years ago.  My cousin said that 2 months ago it spread to his bladder and from there it all went down hill fast.

My heart aches for her, I know what it is to lose your dad and to lose your loved one to cancer.  My heart aches for my Aunt who lost her best friend, her husband, her high school sweetheart.  My heart aches that I can't be there with them, to lend them my shoulder to cry on.  To hold them close and tell them it will be okay, someday.  My heart aches that I can't be there to say good-bye to him.

I don't know how to say good-bye.  I don't know how to honor him on my own as a solitary.  I don't know rituals or spells.  I don't know what to do.  All this just leaves me feeling so helpless.

Please send love and strength to my cousin, her brother and my aunt (their mother) as they go through this difficult time.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Spring Is Here!

Bet you weren't expecting two posts in one day from me now where you?  *grins*

It's Spring!  The apricot tree is blossoming like crazy and is covered in honey bees.  The seeds are sprouting, the farmers are planting, and my allergies are in full swing.  Yep Spring is here finally.  Hello warm days and cool nights.  Hello to soon being able to sleep with the window open and fall asleep to the sounds of the night animals.

There's something about Spring that makes one want to start anew.  At first I looked at all the things I wanted to do, to start, to accomplish at the beginning of the year and was getting down on myself for not having done much if any thing.  But then I told myself to knock it off, and I can start my year anytime I damn well please!  January 1st is just a day on the calendar, it doesn't have to be when I start a new year.  I can be fiscal if I want to damn it!

That being said, I'm excited that 21 Secrets has started...and O.M.G.!!!  I won a spot!!  This will be my first time taking classes in 21 Secrets with so many fabulous artists and teachers.

Also today starts CampNaNoWriMo.  It's like NaNo but not.  This time around you can set your own word count goal.  I've seen some set at 25k, others at 50k.  I set mine at 30k simply because it's easy to calculate that I would need 1,000 words a day to win.  We're 14 hours in and I've not started one word outside of these two blog posts.  But that's okay.  I'm not fretting yet.  I'm being a panster, I have no idea what I'm going to write.  I see a lot of people are doing fan fiction, screenplays, short stories, etc.   I kind of think mine is somewhere between a fan fiction and original work.  My setting I think might be the Ruins of Lordaeron.  But, in my mind it's expanded somewhat from what one might know of it.

So here's to starting anew. 

2013 Hasn't Had A Great Start

Honestly, in a lot of ways it's been down right awful!!!  Which is part of the reason I've been so quiet.

A family friend lost her 6 month old granddaughter to SIDS at the end of January.  We had to put down our Saint Bernard after she fell and broke her leg due to bone cancer.  We had to put down our 16 year old cat Batman due to gastro-intestinal cancer.  Those two happened like a month apart!  We found out that at least 2 of our cats have feline leukemia, and that there is a possibility that our 4 youngest can get it. 

Sister #3's fiancee's brother died from a sinus infection that migrated to the brain at the age of 38.  A couple of weeks later the fiancee's uncle was in a 4 wheeling accident and just last week his cousin was burning ditches and got burned ( I don't know how badly, except that he was life flighted).  Sister #2's boyfriend's family has also had a couple of things happen to them as well. 

Dad's truck keeps breaking down, even right after it has been in the shop and they won't give him a new one for some reason.  This makes for lost loads and time sitting and waiting. 

And most recently, my dear friend Sage lost her Dad to cancer.  My heart aches for her.

So the first three months have kind of sucked royally!!   And 2013 I've had quite enough of all this suckage.  You really need to turn your shit around!  OKAY!   No, I mean seriously...enough loss and catastrophe already!  It's time for good things to start happening!  I mean it 2013...NO...MORE...SUCKING!!!

RIP: Mia, Lilly, Batman, S.N., and Mr. B.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Wishcast Wednesday-Clear

I needed a day to think about this one.  Though it should have been apparent to me from the moment I read this week's wishcast.  Jamie asks "What do you wish to clear?"

I wish to clear my mind and myself of the negative.  Clear myself of the "I can'ts", the "I'm not good enough or it's not good enough".  To clear myself and my mind of the thoughts that hold me back from allowing me to be creative, to be myself, that keep me from painting or writing.  To clear myself of blaming myself things that I did wrong or for things that I didn't do but were made to feel I did.  To stop the "if I coulda/woulda/shoulda" mentality.

I can DO THIS! 

Taking the Creed

Sheri over at Writer's Alley posted this on her blog this week.  It's perfect!  So I'm going to take the creed, make the oath: to believe in myself and write! 

I may not write everyday, but the ideas are floating around my head.  But I shall giving writing a real go this year.  Even if it means pulling my hair out or throwing my keyboard LOL.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

First WishCast Wednesday of 2013!

Welcome 2013!  And today is the first Wishcast Wednesday of the year.  Today Jamie asks: "What do you wish for 2013?"

Most of all, I wish not for myself but for my Beloved's family to have financial abundance, good health, safe travels for Dad (he's a trucker).

I wish for us (my Beloved and me) to continue to grow in our relationship, that our love grow deeper and stronger with each passing day.  I wish for him to have much success with his work.

For myself, I wish to eat better and exercise (yoga, I need low impact ideas).
I wish to be more creative in everything.  I wish to step out of the box, out of my comfort zone.

I wish for 2013 (I keep trying to type 2014, lol) to be the best year ever, not just for myself but you and you and you and you and everyone!

What's your wish for 2013?  And as you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.