For what ever reason, I don't feel like I was truly done. But I kept digressing and going on bunny trails.
Back to why. I really don't know why for sure, it's just always felt like something I had to do. Needed to do. This is why it gets so frustrating that I haven't been able to. I don't necessarily want to be famous, although making some money from it would be nice. I don't want all the glitz and glam of being say JK Rowling, constantly in the ever watchful eye of the media. I can totally understand why she wrote the one book under a pen name. But I wouldn't mind making a comfortable living from it. Or at least one that could support my art needs.
Something that's popped into my head a few times, even as recently as last night, is to write something that is a cross between fantasy (ie: elves and dragons) meets steampunk. My problem...I don't know a lick about writing steampunk AT ALL! I know squat about things operating by gears and steam and all that goes with it. So I don't know how I'd pull that off. I want to write a story, well more like finish writing my witch story. I got off track with that too. It was my go to when I couldn't work on my original project. But even this fell victim.
I think part of my downward spiral to not writing, aside from Gram's passing, was that the Ogre always told me what HE thought I should be writing. That no body would want to read my attempt at fantasy. That I should write about Brooklyn more specifically the neighborhood I grew up in and mobsters and such. First of all, that's not what I want to write about. I'm not into mobsters and crime writing like that. HE's the one that allegedly hung out with or did business with some supposedly small time local mobsters. Business as in he install alarm systems into their homes and businesses. Whether or not these people really had any connections or not, I don't know. It took me years to find out that all of what he said was bullshit and lies.
Then he'd do the whole "are you done yet?" "why not? when are you going to finish?" "why aren't you writing what I told you to?" "nobody wants to read that fantasy shit." At one point I told him that if he wanted this mobster story written so fucking badly why don't he write it himself. It did shut him up of awhile, but then it was back to the same crap. Eventually, I ended up not writing at all. And that's where I am at today. Struggling to find my voice, to find my Muse.
The other problem I have....I have a habit of writing like I talk most of the time. Or more precisely how I talk in my head. I tend to write too passively I think. And I do a lot of telling and not enough showing. I write a lot in past tense even if it's current, does that make sense? I guess maybe a lot of the time my character is reliving the past perhaps? I don't know how to change it up to not be so much of "she was" or "they did". I suppose adding more description to scenes and surroundings wouldn't be too difficult as long as I have a clear vision of what it looks like. I just don't know how to not write in past tense. It's just how I think and how I write. I was told by someone once that the only person it's ever worked for is Maeve Binchy. But I've never read her books so I wouldn't know.
Does it even matter at this point? Isn't the point that I write? Isn't it more important to get the ideas, the plots, the characters and places out of my head into written words? I would think so.
I wish I had a space in my room enough for a small desk to set up my laptop on. I wish I knew how I could balance my time and my mind to do both my art and writing. I wish I knew how to bring forth my Muse and keep her close so that I can create with abandon.