Wednesday, August 28, 2013

On Writing, I Am Hopeful

Okay so...this writing thing, one of the things I want so desperately.  Why?  That question just now, this moment popped into my head.  Why? Why do you want to write?  Why do you want it so badly? WHY????????  I...I........I don't know.  I just do.  Ever since I was in sixth grade I think.  When I first read the "Little House" books.  I'd been watching the series reruns on TV everyday.  Then I started reading the books.  I was captivated.  I wanted so much to be Laura!  I wanted to live on a farm and have a horse of my own.  To have chickens to feed and collect eggs from, and cows to milk.  I wanted to make butter and cheese.  To sew my own clothes, even if it was more of status symbol to have 'store bought'.  I wanted a wagon or a buckboard. I wanted a house like Pa built with a loft to sleep in.  To grow my vegetables and can them, to bake bread from scratch.

Now you're thinking no no no that's farm living not writing.   And that may be true.  But it is also what got me started on a dream to write.  I wanted to write all my stories down in marbled composition notebooks, just like Laura did.  My first story that I was thinking of writing?  Well, see around that same time, I found out I had an older half sister.  So naturally, my book was letters to my sister.  I always imagined her name was Barbara for some reason.  It's not though.  I never did finish my story, or my letters.  I did finally find her though.  It's just sad that her adoptive family doesn't want her to have anything to do with me or the family.  And sadly, it sees she is abiding to their wishes.  Sometimes I want to write her a letter and sometimes I think...why should I care or bother.  She friended me on Facebook when she first signed up, then she promptly unfriended me.  That made me sad.  It's sad that she won't even take the time to get to know me and be friends if we can't be sisters.  I am aunt twice and a great aunt too, and I will never know my nephews.

But again, that's not the point of why or even the point of this post. Now is it?  Sorry about that :)
So, the short answer is that ever since I was 12 and read those books I wanted to write.  I used to in my teens attempt poetry.  But all those got lost.  I think over the years I've made feeble attempts here and there to write, but it never amounted to much of anything.  Usually at best it was "Chapter ONE"  It was a dark and stormy night...................  Okay maybe that's rather cliche but you get the idea.

Fast forward to about 2005.  I have an idea.  I start to research things about elves, dragons, faeries, etc.  That's also about the time I think the Goddess truly started to call to me because my pen name was Cerridwen.  Though I was going to use one of the other spellings that I thought flowed better for an autograph.  Oh yes, I was dreaming big!  Then I got a laptop that Christmas.  And I would burn the midnight oil, writing and researching.  I think it was around this time too, that I really started to realize that my marriage was wrong.  Okay so...for the most of 2006 now, I'm writing and plotting and researching.  I have a habit of writing it in long hand then entering it on my laptop and editing as I go.  And I thought it was going great.  November comes around, NaNo starts and I'm ready...I'm going to do this.  Then Gram's goes into the hospital, after a week she is sent home.  Less than a week later on Thanksgiving Day, she's gone.  Dead!  I'm devastated. 

In that moment, the words stopped coming and my Muse grew silent.  I have struggled ever since.  My original story still sits in my binder and on my laptop.  Hoping to one day return to it.  But, right now, I am trying something different.  Something new.  In an effort to get myself writing.  On and off for about the last week or so, I have started to write in a notebook.  They are memories from my childhood and teen years.  I started off thinking I wanted to write from the POV of my character, who is a version of my 17ish year old self.  But last night, as I was writing, it occurred to me I think I want to change that part.  Still from the same POV, just that the character is perhaps older.  That way I can include more into it if I choose to.  I haven't sketched out anything about the character or the story.  I'm just writing down memories.  The bad ones, the ones that changed things for me.  The ones that are hazy and want to remember more of. 

But I'm writing, no pressure, just writing.  I do however, want to participate in a challenge that starts on September 1st.  It's to write 2 pages a day until the end of the year.  By that time, you should have a complete first draft manuscript.  I'm not going to pressure myself or beat myself up if I miss any days.  I don't know yet if I will continue with these memory writings are do something different or both.  I'm just happy to be writing!

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