Things are shifting. Can you feel it? Maybe it is just me. Maybe it was the power of this last full moon. Lately, I have been feeling like I have lost perspective. Lost sight of my dreams. One day here, not to very long ago, just before the full moon I felt like I didn't even know what my dream or dreams were any more. That...that right there scared me.
I think part of that is because I have been feeling guilty for even having dreams. Another part is I feel guilty when I try to work on my dreams. I mean I honest to goodness feel guilty if I try sit down and make some art or if I want to go outside and walk around taking some photos. WTF is that? I feel like if I am doing those things that make me happy, then I am not paying enough attention to other things. It feels like 'how dare I do something I might actually enjoy'.
Then, I've been feeling stuck. Stuck like I can't move forward. Stuck like I can't take a step back to assess things. I think these two, the stuck-ness and losing sight of my visions and dreams, kind of go hand in hand. Each one triggers the other.
And what about my Path? I've lost my way on it, too. I was trying to remember how long ago it was that the Goddess called me. I remember discover the name Cerridwen and not knowing who she was but feeling like she was calling to me. That had to be close to or just a bit over ten years ago. I have had no idea how to follow her, honor her, or anything. Not her or any of the Goddesses (or Gods). All I know is the way I was taught in Catholic school many moons ago. But much of that never felt right to me. I don't know ritual outside of that.
A few days ago, I stepped outside and a Robin was up in the tree just carrying on to no end. I saw nothing that would cause a disturbance, so I shrugged it off. Walked around the front of the house, said Robin is still carrying on. Then I hear this loud screech. I look up and about two branches or so below the Robin is a huge Hawk! It looked directly at me, screeched at me a couple of more times before it leaped off the branch, spread its wings, and flew across the small field below the house. It had about five small birds chasing it, but then it just disappeared. I should have been able to see where it went, but it was just gone. (I didn't realize that until just now!)
So now, the last couple of days here Cerridwen is coming up for me again. (And don't you know the hawk is one of her symbols!) I apologized for basically ignoring her for all these years, especially since I feel she called me. But I didn't feel ready. I still don't FEEL ready. But I asked her if she was still with me, did she still want me to follow her, if she did to please give me a sign. The next morning I see a Hummingbird! I took it as a sign from her even though the Hummingbird is a symbol of Rhiannon, who I also feel called to. I've also been seeing a lot of Hawks the last day or two. I saw at least 5 yesterday!
I don't know what, if anything, all of this means. It might mean something, it might mean nothing. All I know, is that we are more than half way through this year and I don't have much to show for it. I have asked Her for signs so that I know that it's not just my head making things up. I still feel like writing, making art, and taking pictures is what I am supposed to do. I still feel like studying herbalism, herbal healing, and Druidry is what I am supposed to do. What I don't know is if these are things that I am actually SUPPOSED to do. So I dabble with art and photography, I think about writing. I wait for the signs.
What I do know is things are shifting. It feels scary. I don't know what direction things will take. I know I am tired of feeling guilty about things that make me happy. Things that might be my purpose in life. I am afraid to be ready to step into what ever is waiting for me. I am afraid that I will just go hide under the blanket and let it all pass me by.