Monday, March 30, 2009

I've often wondered...But now I know...

So many times I've wondered if finding your soulmate was possible or was it just some fantasy term people made up. I now know that it is possible... Because I have found mine, well actually he found me.

I'd given up on love, finally coming to the conclusion that there was no one out there for me. That I was destined to be alone. I had just broken up with a guy I'd been dating for almost 9 months. It was a relationship with no signs of going any where but up, no fighting, we got along well. So it hit me incredibly hard when he suddenly avoided me one day and then that night tells me we just need to be friends. That its not what he wants to do but what he had to do. I lowered myself to the usual begging and pleading one does when they grow attached to and care for someone but to no avail.

So I decided it was my fate to be alone. Then one day, a few weeks after that break up Scott comes along. Well, we'd known each other a few months, said the usual "HI! How ya doing?" But nothing more than that. Next thing I know, we're exchanging numbers, but in my mind I just want to be friends. I wasn't looking for love because as far as I was concerned it didn't exist for me.

Our first conversation, was no less than awkward. It lasted a whole 12 minutes. I figured he'd never call me again, even as a friend. To my surprise, he did call me. And this time, our conversation lasted a couple of hours at minimum. I felt something in my heart the moment he said hello. All I could think was what the heck is going on, how could I feel anything for someone I barely know. I'd never felt something so strong.

I was so nervous, yet so comfortable talking to him. But at the same time, kept thinking you just broke up with someone, are you out of your mind? He hinted that he wanted to be more than friends but like me, had been hurt many times. So it kept coming back to we'll just be friends for now. After a couple more conversations, all hours at length he was like "I want more, I want to be more than friends." And before I could stop myself I was saying I did too.

I still find myself thinking this is all impossible. I have these inner arguments with myself daily. That I don't deserve him, that I'm not worth it. But, the love that I feel with him, from him is incredible. Its something I've never felt before. We know what the other is thinking, we say the same things at the same time, we don't even have to talk to know what the other is feeling or thinking.

I just know that he has given me a reason to hope, trust and believe again. And I am sooooooooo in love with him.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

My Assignment: I think I'll choose 2

The 2 assignments I chose were "Normal is..." and "Words that hurt me"

Normal is:
  • Me being hard on myself about everything.
  • Me feeling like an epic failure at life, love, writing.
  • Me wanting to run, run until I can't anymore and the run even further to escape the pain, heartache and doubts I feel.
  • My fiancee telling me everyday he loves me, that I'm his life, his soulmate.

Words that hurt me:
It's all your fault that (fill in the blank) happened.
You'll never amount to anything.
You'll never be happy.
No one will ever love you.
I was only with you because I felt sorry for you.
You're pathetic and a loser.
You're stubborn and just like your father.