Tuesday, June 28, 2011

It's Been Three Weeks Now...

And I am finally starting to relax a little, feeling a little more comfortable. Feeling less like "HE" has sent someone to find me. I did not tell "HIM" where I was going, but supposedly he has some inkling that I'm out west. I heard Oregon and Idaho are among "HIS" thoughts.

I've also heard that "HE" has told "HIS" sister, who conveniently had a dream the night before that I left. I highly doubt she did, but whatever. My young one says this is Her way of telling "HIM" I told you so. Not sure about what exactly but I do know She was NEVER thrilled "HE" married me. So hopefully, Her misery will be ended in a timely manner in the form of a divorce.

I still have that "I feel like I'm watching this all unfold" feeling a little bit. It still doesn't feel totally real, so if I am dreaming please Don't Wake Me Up!! KKTHX!

Just being here, with my Beloved. Seeing him everyday, spending time with him, talking, watching a movie, etc has been really good. Well good isn't the best word to use. But to say it's been amazing, awesome, wonderful, blissful...would work too. I'm sure I could find a few other words as well.

I really can't believe though, that it is three weeks. In some ways, I feel like I just got here. In other ways, I feel like I've always been here. Some things are just funny that way I guess.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Who Knew?

That jet lag and time zone adjusting would take so long? I had no idea especially since, I had never been past the East Coast!! But I think my body is just about adjusted to the change in time and stuff. Finally got around to unpacking. Oddly I was a bit apprehensive about it. I don't know why.
In someways it still feels a bit like a dream, or like I'm watching it all unfold for someone else.

I guess that part will still take some getting used too. That I am actually here. That I did do it. I made it. I don't know what's next. I'm just taking it one day at a time for the moment. Adjusting to the new surroundings. Adjusting to the fact that I am wanted and a part of something, that I am NOT invisible. Oddly I'm finding it hard to speak or at least speak up and be heard. For so long, I was told I was "too loud" that I needed to tone it down some, that the neighbors didn't need to hear what I had to say. But I did that because I was never listened too, so I always found myself talking louder than necessary. Now I don't need to shout to be heard but I am allowed to speak louder than a church mouse. It's just a bit to get used to.

Spending time with my Beloved has been the absolute best part of all. Just being able to talk to him and get a hug...is really nice. Well it's better than nice to be able to get those hugs that I've missed so much. I've missed him so much. It's still hard not to cry even though I'm actually here. But, they are happy tears this time, most of the time. Happy tears that I am here, and I can see him, hug him, talk to him. I'm just taking it all in and taking it one day at a time.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I've Made It Safe and Sound

I'm here in my new surroundings. Just trying to find my footing now and adjust to being in a new place. The flights were good. Both left on time and arrived early at there destinations.

I'm just waiting for my PC to get here, I kinda miss it. The laptop is okay...just annoying and SLOW!!! Everything else will arrive....I don't know when for sure. Parcel post is Snail mail at it's finest I guess lol. But when it does, it does.

Trying to find my ground has been a little hard. I'm just really happy to be here with my beloved. I'm sore and achy all over, and still a little jet lagged.

Then night before I left, the Ogre asked if I knew when I was coming back...I said no I don't. He just said 'Oh'. He had no idea that I was taking my PC...but I'm sure he found out when he got home. I don't know how that went. I'm not asking....I kinda don't want to know.

I just want to breathe and relax a bit. And enjoy the hugs I get from my Beloved.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Travel Day...

It's late and I should be thinking about possibly getting some sleep. But I still have a few things left to do. I'm feel like one bundle of nerves. It's messing up my tummy and I don't like that feeling.

The Ogre didn't like it too much that I would be gone before he got home. One reason I had purposely held off telling him exactly what time until the last possible moment. I don't want any more confrontation with him right now. It's better this way for me at least.

Why does a laptop have to be so darn heavy!?!?!?!? Or maybe I'm just a weakling! Everything felt heavy today whether it was or not. I'm really just stressing over getting my computer shipped right now I think...that's got me all twisted. Hopefully it won't be outrageous and all that.

But by this time tomorrow, I will be in Idaho. And that makes me happy.

One More Day...

By this time tomorrow, I will be in Idaho. I'm so nervous!! I don't care to fly alone, I've only done that twice....but do it I will. I'm also excited and happy, anxious, scared...yes...one day left and I'm still all of those things. It has yet to feel real...It's almost like I'm on the outside watching it all take place.

I am looking forward to seeing my Beloved again. It's been far too long that I haven't seen him. I think that is what I am most nervous about. I was very nervous the first time...and I am just as nervous now. But it's also the part I am most happy about, is seeing him again.

I know you are all wondering too...Did she tell the Ogre? Yes, he has been informed. I did not get the screaming at I was expecting...which has shocked me!!! And makes me very suspicious and apprehensive. He asked me if I was sure. Even offered to drive me to the airport. I told him it's all been arranged that it wasn't necessary. I have a sneaking suspicion that he was sort of expecting it. I'm not sure how. The girls have assured me they told him nothing. Something just seems to unsettle me about it...so I won't be resting easy until I'm on my way.

It will probably be Friday before I have my computer. I will try to check in after I'm settled from my laptop...but if not it will definitely be by the weekend.

I fully believe that the thoughts and wishes and prayers if you will that you have sent my way as it led up to the moment of telling the Ogre is what made a difference...And for that I thank you all. May the Goddess Bless you all!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

5 Days Left

I'm a bundle of nerves, I feel anxious. I just want to be there already so that waiting is over. So that I can know that the hurdle of leaving doing so safely is done.

I haven't told the Ogre yet. I know...probably not a good thing. BUT...when the fuck do you tell somebody? Especially one you have no fucking idea what they will do?! It is making me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I keep thinking, maybe just treat it like a band aid and say it. I wanted to wait until my big girl got back from her trip. She is now back safe and sound.

So, I have to do it in the next couple of days. There's no ifs ands or buts about it. But I'm scared shitless! The last time I attempted to tell him I was rooted to the floor with fear of doing it. I've had a few say I should just tell him from the airport. Or tell him the morning I'm leaving. But then I consider the people that may encounter him on the road...and don't want them to suffer on account of me if the Ogre is raging down the highway.

I am trying to believe he won't do anything that would cause him to lose the girls or his job. But as I may have mentioned, I don't feel like I know him at all so therefore I don't know what he might do. Part of me thinks he has some sort of idea...but I don't know how he might know, unless someone spilled the beans or hinted to him.

But I have to tell the Ogre this weekend....since I leave Tuesday....
I'm just a bundle of mixed up emotions.........I am really struggling with the fear of telling him. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat. I know that sleeping will be more difficult after I tell him. And Monday night...who knows if I will get any at all! I hope once this parts over, and I'm there I can relax and hopefully get some much needed sleep.

Hopefully I will survive telling the Ogre and make to Idaho safely and then I can blog from there.