tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37074286316111452822024-03-14T02:09:53.879-06:00The Forgotten MuseThe journey of a woman as she seeks to find her true self and become the person she is meant to be.Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.comBlogger521125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-58686830973154360022024-01-01T17:42:00.002-07:002024-01-01T17:42:49.160-07:00Happy Leap Year!!!<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhBkwrGByN1DNU1onubIRMCRtZJ7BId6sjWQE9oRmkUeRq0WitcqLIhP8b0hYdEVADY3okilcPYjmNaE6xL6M91Jw8H2LA_oYtXoN_XMJ64RnyIK62-5xjBm94wRQ86MNbd2lSD37ZmaET15ZzJsuNptPCJsDHHkJal8NXLOdKU1O3cHt658CcytzRgBpo" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="408" data-original-width="612" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhBkwrGByN1DNU1onubIRMCRtZJ7BId6sjWQE9oRmkUeRq0WitcqLIhP8b0hYdEVADY3okilcPYjmNaE6xL6M91Jw8H2LA_oYtXoN_XMJ64RnyIK62-5xjBm94wRQ86MNbd2lSD37ZmaET15ZzJsuNptPCJsDHHkJal8NXLOdKU1O3cHt658CcytzRgBpo" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Happy New Year, dear ones!</p><p>Hope it is a peaceful, lovely, happy, healthy, prosperous one!</p><p>I made it see the new year in a midnight. Promptly went to bed by 12:20 AM.<br />The cat however, had other ideas and wanted to keep me awake. I told him, "KC,<br />my dear boy, this is NOT how we are starting out the new year. Now lay your <br />happy ass down." It still took me a bit to fall asleep after that, but that's just the way<br />it is these days. Oh and he did lay his happy ass down, BTW 😉</p><p><br /></p><p>This is the first time I've really had a tough time coming up with a Word of the Year.<br />I am bring with me again, because we aren't done yet, SACRED and SOVEREIGNTY.<br />I think ALIGNMENT, too. But I always like to have a new word. I've mulled a few over.<br />But, nothing was or is jumping out too much. Then, sometime before the clock struck 12,<br />I saw someone post something about UNBECOMING. </p><p>Now I know that sounds a bit, um...unconventional? perhaps. But...I feel like I need to go <br />through an unravel, unpacking, UNBECOMING of ALL the things I was told I was or <br />wasn't, all the lies I was told about me, all the boxes people tried to or put me into. It almost <br />sounds fitting.<br /></p><p>It fits into the running theme I have been seeing to about letting go of old beliefs, old<br />patterns, old habits, things that don't serve me any longer. Let's see what happens!</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-21303888241554705632023-12-21T19:30:00.002-07:002023-12-21T19:30:32.954-07:00Blessed Yule, Happy Winter Solstice<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh_fGiThCxfnxtjCEJrX1DCTk4S6vOvHcTDCacT-CfqJuVjWiUqlqCtzl8qIER_ky9QihcgclBGupkLwAxY89lFI2Cs3fEHIUQtjllcywRN3t_dJ5CyzYJ4bEGgKUlCj8cK4SAPrXdU5NLqgacBpbYANp-_7o9mN-zMFZIwrcfdQhQ7FAOkNHdlfExoUZE" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="526" data-original-width="526" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEh_fGiThCxfnxtjCEJrX1DCTk4S6vOvHcTDCacT-CfqJuVjWiUqlqCtzl8qIER_ky9QihcgclBGupkLwAxY89lFI2Cs3fEHIUQtjllcywRN3t_dJ5CyzYJ4bEGgKUlCj8cK4SAPrXdU5NLqgacBpbYANp-_7o9mN-zMFZIwrcfdQhQ7FAOkNHdlfExoUZE" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p><br /></p><p>I thought I would pop in to wish everyone that reads my ramblings a Blessed Yule <br />and a Happy Solstice. </p><p>I've sadly come to dislike the holidays around this time. They are just so stressful and <br />overwhelming. I'm supposed to be avoiding stress and reducing it as best as I can and then<br />people spring shit on you like let's do a white elephant exchange....last minute. It's supposed <br />to be something you don't want and give that as a gift. 1) I don't have anything I want to give <br />away. and 2) Nobody wants my shit anyway. None of these people share my interests.</p><p>It's bad enough that Christmas Eve is the anniversary of my dad's passing.<br />Then everything in the world that is going on. And the pressure to people please with gifts<br />you don't have the finances for. All the pressure from consumerism in general to buy this, <br />buy that. Spend spend spend. UGH!!! It sucks!</p><p>The pressure to participate in things that make me uncomfortable...(the white elephant exchange).</p><p>Can I just go hide somewhere until all of this is over?</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-81548012564449369252023-12-12T16:06:00.000-07:002023-12-12T16:06:22.888-07:00What's New?<p> Well first, New Moon Blessings and Happy (almost) Yule!</p><p><br /></p><p>So what's new?</p><p>After two separate MRIs of my spine Upper/Mid (cervical/thoracic) and Lumbar/Sacral I still have no answers of why things hurt, tingle, feel numb, weak, etc. Nothing is glaringly obvious. No pinched nerves or anything requiring surgery. At that point, the spine specialist saw no reason to keep me coming back and released me from her care. Though, if things got worse or new things cropped up I could come back.</p><p>In June I was finally referred to cardiology. Adjusting my thyroid meds did nothing to alleviate the palpitations and flutters I kept having. Anxiety at times felt like it was through the roof too. </p><p>In July, before even seeing me I was given a 14 day heart monitor to wear. It was quite the fashion statement <cheeky grin>. Wearing it in the heat was getting quite unbearable at the end and I couldn't wait to take it off. It made showering a challenge as well. I didn't always click it but it also said that I didn't have to, whether I did or not things would get recorded. Clicking it just was kind of a marker for them to look at.</p><p>There as a lot of unnecessary fiasco around getting into see the doctor. I got one appointment, then I got called to schedule an appointment. When I asked about me original one, it apparently did not exist. It vanished. Then the day before my appointment, I get a text reminder. And 15 minutes later, an irate employee that claimed to be "the only who schedules these appoints" even though I have talked to no less than 3 people prior already...insisted that there was absolutely no reason why I had to see the "actual doctor". He was like based on your results blah blah blah. To which I told him I don't even know what my results are. He response was "oh you JUST have tachycardia" so you don't need to see the cardiologist you're fine seeing a PA. I was so shocked, stunned, bewildered, flustered... that I didn't know how to respond. He basically bullied me into agreeing to the new appointment because he made it sound like I had no choice. </p><p>I can advocate my ass off for anyone else. But when it comes to doing it for me, I get so anxious and scared that I can't find my words.</p><p>I finally get in to see the PA (a week later). And he is so focused on my dental issues and kept asking if I was sure I didn't do drugs. Dude...I don't fucking do drugs. Him: but are you sure, because dental issues like yours are indicative.... Me: NO! I don't do drugs. Never have, never will. My issues are hereditary, health related, and I'm terrified of the dentist. Just talking about it is cause my anxiety to escalate. He apologized but you could still see the suspicion/doubt.<br /></p><p>Then he asks me about what kind of work have I done. Do I work now, why not? Would it be more prudent to me and make my life better if I went and got a job? Are you in contact with your kids? (PS He noted this shit in my chart! Never even let me finish telling what kind of work I did in the past so it just says I worked fast food. He'd ask me something and cut me off mid answer.)<br />Well Mr. PA sir, I worked in more than just fast food. I wasn't just a burger flipper. AND I full intend to enlighten him if I see him again. He asked me if I had a college education. WTF does this have to do with my heart???</p><p>After running a couple of tests in the office, his assessment is POTS. Gave me a very clinic handout. Something I would expect to read if I was in med school. Told me to go home, limit my stress, do exercise, increase my water and salt intake and come back in three months. WTF? All very generic answers. OH and to start wearing compression wear. There was no, hey look add this much salt, try drinking xx amount of water/fluids a day, look into these exercises...NOTHING. I told him I do have Fibro and exercise intolerance and he just says well do what you can within reason. ????? Is it so hard to give suggestions or recommendations? </p><p>I talked with my primary a week later and expressed my concerns and confusion with her. She told me had to ask about the drugs because they get all kinds of people. Okay, fine, I get that...but REPEATEDLY!!!??? She told me to just walk more for exercise, drink more water and add a bit of salt to each meal. Funny thing is, when I asked her if it might be POTS, she dismissed me and questions. But I tell her what this guy says and she's all "oh it's POTS." Like did you know all this time?</p><p>I'm supposed to see this guy again next month. I just don't know. She said if it's POTS he can manage it, but I'm just not sure about him. I don't know what to do. I don't feel very confident about him, not sure if I'm comfortable with him either. He mentioned doing an ECHO and a stress test, then decided to wait until the three month visit. But surprise, he went and ordered the ECHO anyway. To which someone put on my file something about THYMOMA. When I asked the nurse about when he called me to tell me the results, he had no idea why it was there or who charted it like that. Told me to not worry about it for now since I've never had any surgeries or anything.</p><p>When I think back over the years the symptoms have been there for a long time, just like Fibro. With the POTS though, I think having had "that virus" last year sent it into overdrive and really made it come out. At least now though I have confirmation.</p><p>Reduce my stress...HA! That's a joke. Besides being impossible.</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-60841389771602466552023-05-14T21:16:00.002-06:002023-05-14T21:16:39.838-06:00Checking In<p>Well, it's been another hot minute or two.</p><p>Okay, okay almost 4 months. </p><p>I'd been doing physical therapy since last September, starting with twice a week.<br />Then went to once a week after I recovered from C-19.</p><p>A few more hiccups that kept me from visits here and there. Like in February/March, <br />when my therapist ended up with Scarlet Fever. "Mom" got sick before that, and oh <br />weather kept me from going also.</p><p>Finally got back to it in March, only for us to figure out that I am plateauing. I saw my<br />spine specialist in April, we discussed this. And at her recommendation, we decided to<br />put PT on hold at least until after I had a MRI of my C-spine and Thoracic spine. Sadly,<br />this worked out because my physical therapist was moving to a different office that is<br />way too far for me to travel to.</p><p>I got my results a couple of days ago. The good news is I don't have any tumors or pinched<br />nerves. Nothing requiring surgery. I have some degeneration, spinal stenosis, bone spurs in my <br />C-spine area. They also saw a renal cyst on my kidney and an esophageal cyst. The latter, <br />after doing a Google search, appears to be a congenital malformation. Apparently rare. <br />The spine specialist really couldn't tell me anything about it because she never heard of it.<br />This makes me wonder if this is what was wrong with my dad when he was a baby. He would<br />not nurse or take a bottle. He had to be spoon fed. And even as an adult he had issues with <br />food and eating. So if he had a birth defect that causes dysphasia it would make sense, sort of. <br />If this is indeed then what I have and the MRI notes say I have this malformation, then that<br />explains why I have trouble myself sometimes.</p><p>All in all, there is nothing further she can do for me. Since we have now ruled out all the <br />things she would have treated me for. I could tell she felt bad that she couldn't find answers<br />for me. She is leaning towards a connective tissue disorder or a soft tissue disorder. But <br />because this is all out of her scope of expertise, it's back to my Primary Doctor I go.</p><p>Honestly I am very relieved that I don't need any spinal surgery and that all that is wrong with<br />my spine is the degeneration and spurs, the stuff they found on the lumbar MRI, and the stenosis.<br />Finding out you have a birth defect at 53 is kind of mind-blowing.<br />Thinking back to my childhood, and how I was always picked on for being a slow or picky eater.<br />I wonder now was this the cause?<br /></p><p>I hope I am strong enough to advocate for myself when I go see my doctor in a few weeks.</p><p><br /></p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-54857779842391121242023-01-19T13:12:00.001-07:002023-01-19T13:12:33.508-07:00When You Still Don't Have Answers<p> To recap, just in case I didn't actually write about or if I did to bring things into context.</p><p>Back in December 2021, I mentioned to one of my primary doctors that I've been have numbness and weakness in my arms and hands. Sometimes it happens even when I'm laying in bed flat, or I can be laying on my left side and the right side goes tingly or vice versa. He said it was out of his wheelhouse and would refer me out. I was perfectly okay with this.</p><p>A few months later I still hadn't heard anything so I called where I was referred to. They said it would be a 12 - 18 month wait, and that I should call in the summer to see where things stood. Fast forward to late autumn and still no appointment. And my referral is about to expire. So I call the place I was referred to yet again only to be told there was a miscommunication and some faxes lost in limbo somewhere. </p><p>I found out the wait was for a neurologist, but I was in fact referred to a neurosurgeon. That wait was only supposed to be 6 weeks. They decided to gather information from my physical therapist and attempt to reach my primary again and review everything. Neurosurgeon team decided I might benefit from a spine specialist first so that's where I ended up. </p><p>She ordered an MRI of my lumbar region and nerve test on my arms. Never having had a MRI done, I had no idea what to expect. Or if I would have a panic attack in the middle of it because I didn't know if I'd freak out in the tight space. On top of that, I've been dealing with a cold for over two weeks and was sure I'd have a coughing fit in the middle of it. In hopes of preventing that, I took a dose of Dayquil and a Benadryl for good measure. Also told the techs just in case. I made it through uneventfully, thank goodness.</p><p>At my follow up with the specialist we reviewed my results. The good news is I don't need spinal surgery. The bad news is that we really don't have any answers to the cause of my pain. I don't have anything pinched which is good. But I do have early disc degeneration and a small tear in my disc at L5/S1. And arthritis in my lower spine. Despite all of this, she still can't tell me what is the cause of the pain. </p><p>It could be all just the fibromyalgia. It could be that in addition to the arthritis, and bursitis which I have in my hip(s). It could be all of the above and/or soft tissue pain. It could be something they haven't diagnosed yet.</p><p>Next week I have my nerve test done. It is in part to determine if I have carpal tunnel or not, and if I do then to what degree. Depending on the out come I may or may not have an MRI of the neck and upper spine. I'm also scheduled to see a chiropractor next month. And then back to the specialist in March.</p><p>I wish diagnosing me wasn't so complicated. So we're in a process of elimination pattern now. In the mean time, I am to continue with physical therapy even though sometimes I feel like I'm failing.</p><p>I need to come up with questions for my specialist, I just don't know what to ask. Mainly I want to know what can I do for the pain, especially on the really bad days. And what are some other possible causes, we started to touch on that but got sidetracked.</p><p>I think the worst part is the not knowing. Along with being unable to explain to others how I feel. When you have an invisible illness, it's hard for others to understand. It's equally hard for us to explain. So many think oh if you just move more or do this exercise or lose X amount of weight or take this pill or that pill you are magically cured.</p><p>I have friends that going through similar things with chronic pain, arthritis, fibro, etc that are on medications and they've told me that none of it makes the pain go away. It's always there. On a good day, the meds just take the edge off. I'm finding these days that over the counter stuff isn't really touching the pain. But I'm terrified to try anything else. I've read about so many horror stories that it makes me hesitant to ask for or to try anything. Still though, I think it is something I will have to talk to the specialist about.</p><p>So grateful for doctors that listen and not judge you.<br />In a recent visit with one of my primary doctors, he recognized that I was having an episode of PTSD during the exam and held my hand through it all while he using soothing words and assuring me that I was safe. I think it was the first time I full on had an episode in the midst of an exam. So thankful he saw it and recognized for what it was, and helped me through it.</p><p>Until next time.... Bright Blessings</p><p><br /></p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-16212137281225715472023-01-03T11:20:00.002-07:002023-01-03T11:20:55.153-07:00Is This Really How You Wanna Start Out 2023???<p> I, we are beyond heartbroken.</p><p>This is not how the year is supposed to start.</p><p>JUST NO!!!!!!!!!</p><p>Our beautiful, rambunctious, lovable St. Bernard died within the last hour <br />of my writing this. She went outside to potty and play with one of our other<br />dogs. From what I understand she started coming up the, which isn't all that<br />big, and just collapsed.<br />Beloved and his mom tried desperately to revive her but without luck. She<br />was just gone. <br />She was only 6 years, 4 months, and 1 day old. </p><p>She had been to the vet sometime in the late summer/early fall for a limp.<br />Blood work at the time and x-rays of the leg didn't show anything out of <br />the ordinary. She was maybe 8 lbs overweight but we changed it up and<br />she had lost a couple pounds.</p><p>This beautiful crazy girl was one of a kind.</p><p>Go forth Georgia over the Rainbow Bridge. Find Fred and tell him how<br />much we miss him. Find my sweet Sylvie and tell her how much I miss her <br />and love her.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiLMDje5Av2OPKF2c0sv0uTcpia9kRgihMDaXoQvy1X4W5pvbLLSqmCJkce2-8rad037pZmcWQOcG4j3js-73rlMvyzjoWqqEgVLeAO_COHZMqt5jiEI5iNfE0fRLyLuN1RCA7WDpP1JFfcS0eTxnqm6CWx7Hd3f0Ju57S1Pdc8taNx1giMkyDanr1C" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiLMDje5Av2OPKF2c0sv0uTcpia9kRgihMDaXoQvy1X4W5pvbLLSqmCJkce2-8rad037pZmcWQOcG4j3js-73rlMvyzjoWqqEgVLeAO_COHZMqt5jiEI5iNfE0fRLyLuN1RCA7WDpP1JFfcS0eTxnqm6CWx7Hd3f0Ju57S1Pdc8taNx1giMkyDanr1C" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Georgia and Sylvie</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjFSV6aPnT7oF3P8Tq8_-WVZJRIREg6-VBsbvQWCBpp8B4b7fK_36Vf_NYYjzYGyhttb7dBBLnnAJGHT1PUSS2sYjqLiJYuUHCgVTrPBSa9eUv_fKoWT0YyCCVa_gzynj5ZcHovWZFXaUbtdxhYkU_eZkwt6HuluU6qMWHsAjdB8f4WWoVMeJ9Dt0vb" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1368" data-original-width="1824" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjFSV6aPnT7oF3P8Tq8_-WVZJRIREg6-VBsbvQWCBpp8B4b7fK_36Vf_NYYjzYGyhttb7dBBLnnAJGHT1PUSS2sYjqLiJYuUHCgVTrPBSa9eUv_fKoWT0YyCCVa_gzynj5ZcHovWZFXaUbtdxhYkU_eZkwt6HuluU6qMWHsAjdB8f4WWoVMeJ9Dt0vb" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Georgia and Fred</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><br />I wish I had words to take Mom's pain away. Georgia was really her baby, but we<br />all loved her. This is going to leave a really big hole in all of our hearts.<p></p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-70804792966546169552022-12-31T17:07:00.001-07:002022-12-31T17:07:14.304-07:00Good-Bye 2022 Hello 2023<p> I did it again. Unintentionally, but here it is 9 months since I last posted.</p><p>I'm sorry I've been away. I will try to do better. Life just has a funny way <br />interrupting you.</p><p>After two years I caught it. I got Covid for my birthday. I told the giver to <br />return it as I didn't want it, but it was apparently nonreturnable. </p><p>Lingering affects of it: Covid fatigue, Covid fog (on top of the already <br />existing Fibro Fog...it's awful y'all), and there might be a third thing<br />but I'm trying and hoping I'm not overreacting or seeing zebras when it's <br />only horses.</p><p>I get an MRI in 2 weeks or so to find out what's going on with me. It's <br />going to be of my lumbar area, though I really think she should have <br />asked for a full spine. Especially since I may end up with an upper series<br />anyway. Either way, I'm hoping for some answers.<br /></p><p>PT is helping a little bit. But Covid set me way back. It's like I'm basically<br />starting over...almost. And with the fatigue, it's making it ever slower <br />going.</p><p>We rescued another cat. He is number nine in our current family of cats. <br />He's also the youngest as he's now around 7-9 months old. We believe<br />he was thrown from a vehicle. It took over a month to catch him. Part of that<br />time he had disappeared. He has neurological deficits in his hind legs. For<br />a bit there he wasn't even able to use the box without human assistance.<br />At his most recent visit, he was up to almost 9 lbs. He will be on prednisone <br />for the rest of his life. We are in the process of finding he lowest effective <br />dose. The vet said that while he may not have a long life of say 15-18 years,<br />we can hope for at least 5 good years with him. We've named him Jack.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhyeWMvRXc7cyyTuzPRnBS_Ji0lGMBlcdbZBGJ5SmptIy2cqEQ_SOLM7fKkYsG-l3O8pWMLacYJOromarOa5pOZ9_3gmm8FcVnGTebjp0ePnrxgI60Er9JqJK_ukHAmVaxOkU7ttvmmM0LHc38N7BFwqvd_5jEzYfm2ZXqYkEG5uexsVy_iD38ohoO6" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhyeWMvRXc7cyyTuzPRnBS_Ji0lGMBlcdbZBGJ5SmptIy2cqEQ_SOLM7fKkYsG-l3O8pWMLacYJOromarOa5pOZ9_3gmm8FcVnGTebjp0ePnrxgI60Er9JqJK_ukHAmVaxOkU7ttvmmM0LHc38N7BFwqvd_5jEzYfm2ZXqYkEG5uexsVy_iD38ohoO6=w180-h212" width="180" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Jack</div><div><br /></div>Anyhoo...I just want to stop in and say "I'm still here!"<br />I wish you all a very Happy New Year. May it be better than the last two years.<br /><br /><p></p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-7229482269874423752022-03-29T13:26:00.004-06:002022-03-29T13:26:30.647-06:00Oh HAI! Remember Me?<p>Well there I go again, disappearing from the blogosphere for almost 3 months.<br />I didn't mean to. It just...happens.</p><p>Since I've last written, I've lost 5 lbs, gained it back, and lost it again. I'm <br />currently seeing a nutritionist at my doctor's office once a month. I go in again<br />to see her next week to see where I'm at. She wants me to try to reduce my carb<br />intake, keep my calorie count at about 1200. Eat more nutrient dense foods. <br />Ditch the soda and sweets. I'm trying. I'm managing to keep my soda down to a<br />half of a 16 or 20 oz. bottle. Some days I don't even drink any. I haven't even<br />wanted any sweets like cake or cookies or ice cream. <br />Yet, I feel guilty for wanting to make better food choices and eat better. Food <br />prices are getting higher and higher. It's cheaper to eat crap food, but it's not <br />good for me. I've been noticing how certain foods make me feel like crap too, <br />something I didn't really pay much attention to before.</p><p>Finally got the results of my cortisol test explained. I have adrenal dysfunction.<br />I'm stuck in "Fight or Flight" mode. They've added PS and fish oil to my daily<br />meds. She won't go so far as to diagnose me with PTSD. She said that due<br />to my history I have it, but she doesn't want to put that label on me if she can help it.<br />And I understand her reasoning, I'm just glad she confirmed what I suspected. It<br />makes me feel a little less like it's all in me head. People in my past have been <br />real good at telling me it's all in my head or that wasn't that bad or that I was<br />making something out of nothing. You know how it goes.</p><p>I'm insulin resistant so I'm on Metformin. We dropped the estrogen because<br />it was causing me to bleed. But my cycles are so crazy now, I don't know what it's <br />doing.</p><p>There was a question of whether or not I had high blood pressure, because when I <br />go in it's always so high. But when I monitor it at home it's "normal". But a visit to<br />the eye doctor answered that question. They have this really cool camera that takes<br />a picture of the inside of your eyes. It was so amazing to see the inside of my eyes.<br />It's like there is a nebula or galaxy in there. He pointed out all the veins and arteries, <br />muscles and nerves, even my floaters. Two things it clearly shows is that I do not<br />have high blood pressure and there currently isn't any sign of diabetes. I do have the<br />very beginning of a cataract in my right eye. But it's just a tiny spot and they can't do<br />anything about it right now.</p><p>I've been giving yoga a try. I was doing okay for a couple of months, doing it twice<br />a week most weeks. But this month I have fallen off the yoga wagon. Between the <br />pelvic pain and fibro pain, I've been so hesitant to even try. I feel like crap for not doing<br />it. I don't know if it was helping any, but I was enjoying it even if I can't do it well. <br />My flexibility sucks. There are also moves that my nutritionist has told me is off limits.<br />She doesn't even want me to attempt them. And if there is a move I try that causes me<br />pain, I'm to not do it either. Like Downward Dog and Cobra poses are not to be done<br />at all. Some things she will allow me to do so long as I modify them and use props.</p><p>I guess when I chose SACRED/SOVEREIGNTY, I didn't expect to get such lessons<br />in how hard it is to choose one's self. I've always found self care difficult. But now, I <br />don't really have a choice. I have to choose me. It's hard, it is so fucking hard! <br />People have a way of making you feel guilty for it whether they mean to or not, <br />whether they do it knowingly or not. I have a hard enough time not guilt tripping myself, <br />I don't need outside help to do it.</p><p>I think that's it for now.<br />I feel like there's more, but I just can't think of it.<br />I'll try not to stay away for so long. <br />Stay safe out there.</p><p><br /></p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-45816561344270005222021-12-30T16:54:00.001-07:002021-12-30T16:54:13.427-07:00Happy New Year's Eve...Eve<p> It's been a little bit since I posted here.</p><p>I seem to do that...too often. But life, ya know.</p><p><br /></p><p>After a year of bullshit, my insurance is finally sorted out.<br />There's still some portion of my bill that the doctor's office is trying to get sorted and paid<br />but for now, it is not for me to worry about. Or so I have been told.</p><p><br /></p><p>Every time I've gone to the doctor's office these last couple of months, I end up coming out<br />with another new prescription. So far we've added a second thyroid medication, magnesium, ashwaghanda, Vitamin D at 10,000 units, estrogen, and metformin. It's been interesting and <br />challenging trying to get all the timing of taking each thing right, mostly because the thyroid meds <br />cannot be taken with anything else. <br />I've been told I am insulin resistant.<br />I had to do a cortisol test and that came back high. Though, I don't know what it means and what<br />will be done about it. Maybe I will find out on Monday.<br />Waiting for a referral to a neurologist. It could be a bit for that though.</p><p><br /></p><p>We've finally gotten some decent snow. Between 6 and 8 inches so far since yesterday. Got about 4 or<br />so with yesterday's snow and topped it off with the snow from today. More on the way though, so who <br />knows what we will end up with.</p><p><br /></p><p>I dropped the ball with a lot of things this year.<br />Art. Writing. Photography.<br />My own personal path, which I am currently totally lost on.</p><p>I am hoping that in 2022 I will be able to focus on these things.<br />To step into living a creative life and having a full creative practice.<br />I am hoping I will be able to seek the sacred and find my way to my path.<br />Whatever it might be. Still hearing the name Cerridwen come up. A LOT!<br />I don't know what to do with it though.</p><p><br /></p><p>As I do every year, I look to choose a word of the year. I have done this since 2011.<br />A few weeks ago, SOVEREIGN/TY started showing up. I thought it was a fluke and <br />continued seeking a word. But the more I would seek, the more this word showed up.<br />Along with SACRED, which I had already decided to care forward another year because we weren't<br />done with each other yet for obvious reasons. Then wouldn't you know it...the Universe starts throwing<br />SACRED SOVEREIGNTY out at me. I guess I had better take the hint. But what will I do with this?<br />I have no clue. I guess I will be finding out though. I hope.</p><p><br /></p><p>Thanks for sticking by me and continuing to read my random and sporadic posts.<br />I hope to do better at posting in the coming year.<br />Wish you all a Happy Healthy Prosperous New Year.<br />May it be filled with Magic Love and All Good Things.<br />Blessings to you and yours</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-38611021555594644322021-08-19T13:29:00.001-06:002021-08-19T13:29:47.289-06:00Epiphanies<p>It's been a bit, once again.<br />I have been in that want to write but don't know what to say mode.</p><p>It's been hot and gross in my neck of the woods. Triple digits for days.<br />Record breaking temperatures. And the Smoke!! Good Grief the Smoke!!!<br />We are finally have a break from the heat. To the point I'm able to wear my <br />light sweats and sweatshirt cool. It's nice. Yet at the same time, I am weary <br />of what the Winter will hold. Most people are predicting a hard to very hard<br />Winter given what are Summer has been. The last "Hot" Summer we had brought<br />us what has been dubbed "Snowmaggeden". Thus my concern.</p><p>And so with the heat and humidity, I just haven't felt like much of anything.<br />Yet I think I had an epiphany or two, maybe even a few.</p><p>While on a Zoom call a few weeks ago, we were talking about if I was a good fit<br />for the class she was offering. We touched a bit on family roots and how many of<br />us have been disconnected from the land. I know I am a long way from the land of<br />my people. As far as I know, my people were mostly farmers. During our conversation,<br />I mentioned this, but it was after that I realized that I have been trying to connect to <br />that for a long time. It was a light bulb moment, when during the conversation I wasn't<br />sure that the class was totally for me. But afterwards, I realized I was already in some<br />way on that path.</p><p>Also during that call, we talked about how I have been wanting to take a class by a <br />particular teacher. But finances have prevented me from doing so. Yet during our chat,<br />something else was mentioned. It must have come through unconsciously from me, but <br />she picked up on it. I don't feel worthy of it. That feeling of not enoughness must have <br />been shining brightly.</p><p>Fast forward to this week. I'm watching the videos from a 3 day free course that was offered<br />by Sage. I've only watched the first video so far. But again...epiphany.</p><p>I don't prioritize myself. Or my writing. Or my art. Or even my photography practice.<br />Why? Well, the answer is simple yet complex. <br /></p><p>I don't feel worthy. I don't feel like any of my practices are worth working on. I don't allow<br />myself to do them because I'm afraid of failing. But also because I'm afraid of how my practices<br />will make others feel. I place more value on what others think I should do or want me to do over <br />what I want to do. I'm convinced I will fail. I spend time staying "busy" with nonsense so that<br />others won't fell like I have abandon them by doing one of the things I want to do like art or <br />writing.</p><p>I have a list of art projects. I have another list of crochet projects. And still another list of <br />sewing projects. I have had another story idea, that is niggling at the corners of my brain<br />for attention. I've just in the last day started thinking of making or printing out a "Do Not<br />Disturb" sign for my art cave. One side for arting, the other side for writing.<br /></p><p>I am sometimes made to feel bad if I want to get up early or stay up late to do writing (or art).<br />If I do get up a bit earlier than usual, I end up not doing what I intended but instead I fall down<br />the internet rabbit hole of nothingness. It is so easy to let myself get sidetracked and distracted.<br />Sometimes it's just easier to let myself be distracted by nothing. Even if it makes me feel <br />terrible that I am denying myself the things I want to do for me.</p><p>After all this time, I've come to realize that I am still not choosing me. That I am still not making<br />myself and my desires a priority. I need to change that. But can I? Will I?</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-58861484963497262532021-06-15T14:59:00.001-06:002021-06-15T14:59:36.019-06:00Oh Imposter Syndrome<p>I have not missed this feeling.<br />But does it ever really go away.<br />I've been trying hard to ignore it.<br />That's not working out so well.<br />It sure is starting to rear it's very ugly head here again.</p><p>I've been trying to play with my camera a bit more often.<br />I started thinking today about maybe entering into the photography<br />competitions at the 2 local fairs coming up.<br />And oh boy did that feeling like an imposter rear it's very ugly head!</p><p>I have waited to enter anything because I wanted to do it under my <br />current name, not my former name. Stupid reason probably. But there <br />it is. And then factor in that I don't feel skilled or adequate enough to <br />enter. I've been to the one fair a couple of times. And let me tell you, <br />I sure don't feel like I can even begin to compete even at the armature level.</p><p>I don't qualify as an advanced armature. I don't even fully understand what <br />that even means. The upside is, if I do enter anything as an armature it doesn't<br />cost me anything, except my pride maybe. The only cost I would have is to have<br />the photo(s) printed and mounted.</p><p>It's crazy that I think about this, these competitions all year. Then when it <br />comes time to consider entering, I get cold feet. Really the imposter syndrome<br />just rises up and it is very overwhelming. Paralyzing even.</p><p>It makes me feel like I have to right to even try.<br />You know, who do I think I am.<br /></p><p>I have always had an interest in photography.<br />Even back when I had a film camera. One of those cheap 35mm ones. I think<br />back then, the most expensive one I had was about 99 dollars or so. <br />Then around 2003 or so I moved up to a rather inexpensive digital camera. It too,<br />only cost me about 100 dollars. <br />I didn't feel like had the right to indulge in my interest. Or to invest in what <br />could have been a deeper passion at the time. I didn't feel like I was allowed<br />or worth it.</p><p>So now, here I am trying to give myself permission.<br />To explore. To practice. To maybe some day do something with my pictures.<br />I'm not much of portrait photographer. I am more into nature and landscape,<br />wildlife, that sort of thing.</p><p>It's just another one of those things I need to overcome. But do we ever really?</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-48456534283392203402021-06-04T11:19:00.001-06:002021-06-04T11:19:22.933-06:00June Already?<p> I can't believe that it is already June!!<br />I mean....didn't we just have New Year's?<br />Days are flying by and blending into each other.<br />And I don't like it!!</p><p>I'm still trying to wrap my head around my new status.<br />Getting everything changed is a bit of a challenge. <br />I can't do anything until I get it processed in one place.<br />Which was a bit frustrating, thanks to COVID.<br />There was nothing on their website saying you can't go in.<br />So, I tried to go in only to find the doors locked.<br />Sign said make an appointment. I tried to do so. Only to find<br />out, it is NOT possible to make appointments except for emergencies.<br />They have a drop box that closes promptly at NOON! <br />You have to do all requests via that box.<br />Yesterday I got a letter stating it was being processed. Two days <br />prior, I got my documents back. (SIGH of relief!!)</p><p>You don't know how uneasy I was to drop off my only copy and my<br />passport card in a drop box. Then have to wait to get them back. I could<br />envision all sorts of things going wrong. Them getting lost or stolen.<br />I over think too much and jump to worse case scenarios to fast.<br />Now I just have to wait for that new card to come. If I understand right,<br />with that letter, I can now proceed to changing it in all the other places too.</p><p>June started off with a heat wave. Broke a record yesterday, they say we<br />hit 103!!! The day ended in some crazy weather. Thunder and lightening.<br />And a fuck ton of wind!! Even stronger than what brought the tree down on <br />us a few years ago. Some scrap wood almost flew through a back window.<br />Mom ran out to secure it but the wind was so bad she needed help.</p><p>Then I tried to tuck some stuff under the 5th wheel but the wind was trying to <br />blow it all out right from under it. I got stuck out there, hugging the side of the <br />5th wheel because the wind picked up so bad I couldn't move. Branches were <br />flying. The rose trellis got ripped out of the side of the house. Nails and all!!!<br />I finally said a prayer, gathered up my hair which was flying every which way <br />and made a mad dash for the front of the house. </p><p>I considered just going into the 5th wheel but it was rocking so much I was<br />honestly afraid it would blow down the hill with me in it. Though, my being<br />against the one side of it while said rocking was going on wasn't any safer. If <br />it flipped, I was gonna be a pancake! Hence the choice to tuck tail and run for it.</p><p>And then we lost power for about 6 hours!<br />Then we heard sirens, there was an accident up on the interstate, which we could see<br />from the front yard. The lights not the actual accident. Then I could hear what sounded<br />like heavy equipment, either the jaws of life or chain saws. Hope everyone was okay.<br /></p><p>I know there's a lot of cleansing and releasing going on. With the full moon and the <br />eclipse and Mercury retrograde, and all that. And winds are cleansing. BUT...HOLY<br />FUCK that was a bit much.</p><p>Hope your June is off to a rather LESS eventful start!</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-87081670753474363372021-05-20T19:39:00.000-06:002021-05-20T19:39:10.834-06:00It's Done<p>It's official!! Finally!!</p><p>There were a couple of small hiccups, clerical errors. Nothing crazy. <br />Everything finally got corrected and submitted. <br /></p><p>The decree has been finalized.</p><p>I'm honestly not sure how I feel.</p><p>Relief? I think.</p><p>Yet, there's the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.<br />Like there's some hidden surprise lurking in the shadows.<br />And not in a good way.</p><p>I'm sure it's all just my brain falling back to old patterns.<br />It's what I know. It's what's familiar. Something I need to unlearn.</p><p>Next week is when I go around to all the places to file for name change.<br />Should be interesting.</p><p>Now that I have my name again, I wonder how many times I might make a mistake<br />and write the wrong last name after so many years. </p><p>Part of me feels overwhelmed.<br />Part of me feels relief.<br />Part of me feels numb or shocked, maybe both.<br />At least I think that's how I feel.<br />How am I supposed to feel?<br />I've never done this before.</p><p>This is a whole new experience. One I hope not to repeat, ever again.<br />That's easy enough to accomplish though.</p><p>The price of this freedom though, cost me dearly. In ways I cannot even begin to describe.</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-55220764982559069792021-04-15T12:07:00.000-06:002021-04-15T12:07:41.257-06:00Still Waiting, But <p> Trying to be patient. Trying not to feel like the proverbial other shoe is going to drop.</p><p>I had not heard anything for almost three weeks. But got an email yesterday stating that the final papers were accepted and just waiting now for them to be signed. So this is really happening?! It doesn't feel real. Not yet at least.</p><p>Then I got a call from my doctor's office that my pre-authorization is about to expire and what did I want to do. The nurse wasn't clear on what all the notes in my file from the billing manager were about. So I had to explain it all to her and she literally groaned over the mess. </p><p>Since that has all been on the back burner, I hadn't really thought about going through with it. I've ponder, however, what if I don't do it. What if I just live with it? I mean, I'm functioning with the pain. It's not a keep me in bed for days kind of pain. It's just feels like constant period pain, some days are more intense than others. Sometimes it will catch me off guard if I move wrong or sneeze or cough. But I can live with it, can't I? It's true that OTC pain relief doesn't hardly touch it. But I can still function. Or am I only deluding myself because I'm afraid to go through with it? I don't know. I just don't know.</p><p>Insurance stuff is still at a stand still too. They won't give me any information. Nor will they give it to my doctor's office. Some how I think that is illegal. They won't talk to me because I'm not the primary. And they won't talk to her without the ID numbers. He said he will drop me from his insurance as soon as things are finalized. But I shouldn't have been on it in the first place! I did not consent. Nor did I sign anything!! It's just fucked up. And a big mess! It shouldn't even be happening, but it is. And I feel powerless.</p><p>People keep asking me why has it taken so long to do the divorce. Why did he wait so long? Or why did I? I didn't have the money. I didn't know how long I had to wait to file in my state. Legal Aide wouldn't help me. I asked for a divorce several times before I even left and he refused. He knew for a long time, even before I left that it was what I wanted. I had heard on more than one occasion from mutuals that he was filing then he wasn't. Then he was, then he wasn't. I heard that a few times over the last few years. It was like a carrot being dangle to perhaps get my hopes up. I honestly don't know. I stopped trying to figure it out. Even the lawyers and Legal Aide that I consulted with asked me this. I had no answers. I don't understand why it even matters. </p><p>I know that there are plenty of people who separated and never divorced. The majority was amicable and something that both parties were okay with. My own parents are an example of a couple who separated but never divorced. Though neither of them could have afforded to file. And my dad always held out a faint hope of them getting back together. It never happened though. </p><p>It is not a question that should be asked of abuse survivors either. You don't know the hows or the whys of the things. You don't know what you could be triggering by asking such questions. Or by making the victim feel like they have done something wrong by not filing. You just don't know so stop fucking judging!!! Yes you can hear the judgmental tone when they ask.</p><p>So that's the gist of things at the moment. Still waiting.</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-70649307604669227252021-03-20T12:21:00.003-06:002021-03-20T12:21:40.572-06:00Spring Blessings And Unexpected Happenings<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bTT8f-ufOc8/YFYw8r4cZII/AAAAAAAABFk/kX2VCCIZzaAva7NJc5wsfedYPx8Dq6G6ACLcBGAsYHQ/image.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="839" data-original-width="840" height="240" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-bTT8f-ufOc8/YFYw8r4cZII/AAAAAAAABFk/kX2VCCIZzaAva7NJc5wsfedYPx8Dq6G6ACLcBGAsYHQ/image.png" width="240" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Image credit: Wendy Andrew</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>First Happy SPRING! Blessed Ostara!!! <br />Spring is blowing in like a lion here.<br />Winds are expected to be 15-25 MPH with 30 MPH gusts.<br />Which is making it quite chilly despite the blue skies and sunshine.<p></p><p>I have been having the oddest dreams of late.<br />I dreamt of my late grandmother, who was laying her head in my lap<br />looking at me silently while I stroked her hair.</p><p>The other night, I dreamt of being an room with a huge picture window.<br />It was dark and grey outside the window, it started snowing.<br />Then I saw a big blue/dark blue butterfly.<br />And then another, then a few more, and yet a few more. All fluttering <br />and swirling in the wind and snow. Next there were just dozens of them,<br />coming in wave after wave, spiraling higher and higher into the sky.<br />I just sat and watched it in awe.</p><p>I looked up the meaning of the butterfly and the blue one specifically.<br />It seems to be a good omen. So fingers crossed!</p><p>So let's see. Insurance drama... I believe I told y'all that the reason I <br />have been having issues with my claims being denied is because the <br />not yet Ex has had me on his insurance without my knowledge or <br />consent. I tried getting myself off it, but they wouldn't even talk to me.<br />They just kept telling me I have to talk to HIM about it. Which, of<br />course, caused me to have a melt down. I talked to my doctor's office<br />about it, but I haven't yet heard back from the lady there.</p><p>Well somewhere in the middle of all this, I got divorce papers in the mail!<br />Someone must of tipped him off about the insurance stuff because he made<br />sure to mention that as soon as it's finalized, he would drop me. But I still <br />don't have access to the information even though I am more than likely <br />entitled to the coverage regardless.<br />He has gotten ALL of my stimulus money. And I have not seen or gotten <br />a dime of it. *SIGH!* It's frustrating!! I did ask him to send me the last<br />installment because it was probably going to go to him again before I could<br />even attempt to try to claim it again. Because I did try to get it the first time<br />around, and my papers kept getting rejected. And I finally did the where is it<br />request, and that's how I found out that it went to him. <br /></p><p>People in my situation have almost no recourse. Domestic Violence victims<br />have no way to get what they are entitled to, and are pretty much forced<br />to contact the abuser. Which of course leads down a dangerous road for the victims.<br />Probably why I believe most victims are not pursuing getting their <br />portion of the funds from their abuser.</p><p>But anyway, we'll see what happens. I've been told by several people that I should<br />open up an claim of some sort to get my half. That I should fight for it. I don't know <br />if I have the energy for that.</p><p>If all goes well, the divorce should be finalized this time next month.<br />Fingers crossed!</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-831053523144421222021-02-15T11:15:00.001-07:002021-02-15T11:15:22.083-07:00Still No Changes<p> It's been almost a month now, and still I have no word on what is happening with the insurance.</p><p>I have been waiting for her to get back to me with what kind of insurance it is I am supposedly on, <br />so I can figure out how to get off it. </p><p>I tried calling the company itself, but without the numbers they won't help me and to make it worse,<br />they keep telling me I need to talk to HIM. They want me to contact my abuser. <br />HELL FUCKING NO!</p><p>My pain has been all over the place.<br />Some days are manageable and others it feels like I'm being stabbed on the inside.<br />Even more fun when the pain in my thighs start. Which has been really flaring for the last two days.</p><p>I can't go to the doctor because of the insurance bullshit.<br />I can't have surgery because of the insurance bullshit.<br />I can't do anything because of the insurance bullshit.</p><p>If I want a divorce, I have to come up with at least $1800! Could go up to $3500 or more <br />depending on the situation. Which of course I don't have.</p><p>I don't get the stimulus money because it all goes to him!!!<br />And if I want to fight it, and end up needing a lawyer for that, I'd probably end up with nothing<br />because they'd take it all in the fees no doubt.</p><p>I feel like I'm between a rock and hard place with no recourse.<br />I feel like I have no options.</p><p>It's like being lost in a maze of mirrors and there seems to be no way out.<br />This all just sucks!</p><p><br /></p><p>But we did get snow. Almost a foot!!<br />So that's something :D </p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-68513856319745816322021-01-19T18:15:00.002-07:002021-01-19T18:15:19.228-07:00And Shit Keeps On Coming<p> I've been dealing with insurance issues since October now. <br />Couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone.<br />The department that is supposed to know WTF is going on,<br />never saw any outside insurance. So they claim.<br />Last month, someone finally put in for an in depth <br />review and investigation into my situation.<br />Because you know, shit keeps getting denied because of some<br />mystery insurance.</p><p>I finally got a call from the case worker who put the review request in.<br />She says that there is an active outside policy on me, but it was not<br />included in the report what it was.<br />So I had to call the department that claims all this time that nothing was<br />there, for them to tell me "Oh yes, there is a policy active with 'such and such'<br />company." I insisted that there was not, so the gentleman who took the call<br />checked somethings and came back to tell me there was and who it was through.<br />Gave me a number to call that company but claimed he couldn't give me any<br />more information like policy or group numbers. (Which later I found out <br />was complete bullshit! Because if it is in my file I have a RIGHT to ALL <br />the information in it.)</p><p>So I proceed to call said company and asked them to remove me from this policy.<br />I was told I cannot remove myself because I am not the policy holder.<br />It didn't matter that I was on there without my consent.<br />No one gave a shit about that at all. </p><p>Oh no....four different representatives told me I had to contact my abuser and ask<br />him to remove me.<br />Excuse me..........what??? I've been out of state and no contact for almost 10 years.<br /></p><p>Seeing I was getting no where with these service reps, I told them have a nice day.<br />Then promptly lost my shit and had a good fucking cry.<br />Because FML....I should be able to get myself off something that I didn't agree or <br />consent to. Plus I live out of state from him.</p><p>I spoke with my doctor's office and they are going to try to get me more information<br />about how to proceed from here. Thank the gods they are being supportive and working<br />with me. I told her though that under no circumstances (at least those in my control)<br />would I be going forward with my surgery until all this is sorted out.<br /><br />I also tried going through Legal Aid to start divorce proceedings.<br />But because he isn't actively beating the shit out of me or threatening to, they can't help.<br />AGAIN....FML!<br />Oh and the lawyer totally made me feel like shit because "why have you waited so long to <br />file or try to file for divorce?" Um, why the fuck should that matter?</p><p>I have some calls in to other places that might be able to help me.<br />Just gotta wait to hear back.</p><p>SIGH!!!!!!!!!!</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-78966314692516804822021-01-10T11:02:00.003-07:002021-01-10T11:02:48.959-07:00A Not So Great Start, Eh?<p> I feel like 2021 is starting out by telling 2020, "Here, hold my beer!"<br />The events of January 6th were just HOLYFUCK! WTF JUST HAPPENED!</p><p>All I could do was think of my Grandma.<br />And how she must have been rolling over in her grave at what was happening.<br />This was not the country she knew and loved and fought to come home to.<br /></p><p>I'm sure if she were still living, she would be saying she's seen all this before.<br />Living in Europe during World War II.<br />She didn't have to be there, to live through that. But her parents, her mother<br />especially insisted she go with them.<br />I often wonder what different life choices she would have made if she was allowed to stay.<br />Would she have been a completely different person?<br />Of course, she wouldn't have met my Grandpa or had my dad, uncle, and aunt.</p><p>I think of my family members that served.<br />Is this the country they fought for?</p><p>I think of BLM.<br />How differently it would have all been handled.<br /><br />I just can't wrap my head around it though.<br />I can't understand how people can justify this as being okay.<br />How people can support this.<br /></p><p>Maybe I'm looking at things through rose colored glasses.<br />Maybe I'm just too naïve.</p><p>I am disgusted by what happened.<br />I am appalled.<br />I am angry.<br />And I am scared that it will happen again, and again.</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-2808314695368955092021-01-01T16:42:00.001-07:002021-01-01T16:42:44.454-07:00Happy New Year!<p> I fully intended to round out the blogs last night with a FUCKOFF and FAREWELL 2020 post.</p><p>But in the end, I opted to go to bed instead. <br />Bonded with my new heating pad and just chilled while listening to the neighbors all shooting off <br />fireworks.</p><p>So, I figured I would just start the new year off with a post instead.</p><p>I wish you all a very Happy New Year!</p><p>I wish you good health and good fortune.<br />Happiness and Peace.<br />May 2021 be gentler, kinder, softer for all of us.</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-7735094718677109942020-12-27T11:34:00.001-07:002020-12-27T11:34:21.903-07:00Where Oh Where Has The Year Gone?<p> Can hardly believe we are almost to the end of 2020!</p><p>A year that seemingly started out for most of us with great hope,<br />only to turn into what has felt the LONGEST YEAR ever!</p><p>This year has looked and felt so different than other years.<br />Covid has certainly touched our lives in more ways that we care to count.</p><p>And with people being so selfish, I don't see how one can be hopeful<br />that there could ever be an end to this.</p><p>Our holidays were quieter. Smaller.<br />We opted not to gather for Thanksgiving.<br />And Christmas was definitely off the table.<br />Especially after someone near and dear to the fam lost her own<br />mother to this wretched virus. That was the seal of fate for our<br />decision.</p><p>I think this year has left me shocked and speechless more than I can <br />ever remember. With peoples attitudes, the virus, politics.<br />The ugly really came out in people.</p><p>I've sat and wondered what my Babci would have thought about it all.<br />The country she loved so much and fought so hard to return to. The <br />country she wanted her boys to grow up in, live in, and love. They didn't<br />get to grow up here, but they did live here. Love it? I honestly don't know.<br />But I can almost certainly say that this is not the place she called home.<br />This is not the country she loved so dearly. I'm not sure she would <br />recognize it now. I know I don't!</p><p>Here's hoping though, that 2021 will be a better year for all of us.</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-11511754300016457212020-11-30T11:18:00.001-07:002020-11-30T11:18:23.653-07:00Still Playing The Waiting Game<p>Thanksgiving was quiet.<br />No big fan-fare, no family gathering.</p><p>The question came up of what about Christmas?<br />My thoughts (sometimes out loud) were that this shouldn't even be a question!<br />If we in essence cancelled Thanksgiving, and numbers are expected to <br />surge because of those that refused to stay home....then um yeah <br />Christmas is off the table!<br />Maybe I have been too vocal about it. Not wanting us to gather.<br />But when you have immunocompromised people and people of a certain age<br />well..........you know, I just had to say something. Maybe too much.<br />But I just don't think it should have been a question of should we or not.<br />We're NOT...so that's that.</p><p><br /></p><p>As to the problem I've been having.<br />Well, it's still a shit show.<br />Going on almost two months and no one can seem to straighten this shit out.</p><p>They keep denying my existing claims. Saying I have a third party primary <br />insurer. Which I DO NOT have! I've gone through the "proper" channels<br />several times now. And they still can't get their shit together.<br /><br />I was told to call the company in question and ask them to cancel the policy <br />they supposedly have in my name. BUT, here's the thing...There is no policy to<br />cancel because there is no premium being paid. AND here's the kicker, the<br />company they are claiming is my other insurance isn't even an insurance company!!!</p><p>So how can I call a company to cancel something they don't even offer and<br />without a policy or ID number. I honestly don't know what else to do!</p><p>I'm concerned though too that even if when this gets sorted out that things will be<br />delayed even more because Covid numbers here are on the rise. Hospitals are <br />getting stressed. One hospital chain here is sending people home with a pulse ox <br />meter, a blood pressure cuff, and an Ipad with an ICU Doctor assigned to their case to<br />monitor their condition from home in order to try to keep beds available for the worst cases.<br />AND People don't want to wear a fucking mask. Because "OMGAWD MY FREEDOMS!"</p><p>I've lost a cousin to this shit.<br />I've several friends who have had it and recovered. One is having residual side effects though.<br />And now, we know someone who was just admitted to the ICU and looking at being <br />placed on a vent because her oxygen levels are so low. <br />A friend of "Mom's" just came home from the hospital on oxygen after being in for a few <br />days with a positive diagnosis. She had blood clots in her lungs from Covid</p><p>JUST WEAR THE DAMN MASK!<br />Yes it can be uncomfortable. Yes it can be annoying.<br />But it is better than getting sick or getting a loved one sick.<br />It's better than you or some one you love dying.<br />WEAR THE FUCKING MASK!!!!!!!!!!!!</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-58243329990118273422020-10-31T17:05:00.001-06:002020-10-31T17:05:10.422-06:00It's Always Something & Happy Halloween<p> So first let me say Happy Halloween and Blessed Samhain.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DcDZp4GTXFA/X53k_CnV_7I/AAAAAAAABCU/cpv00Dt1cIkJghUCq_nlCfFos7_54oNDwCLcBGAsYHQ/s2015/MyPumpkin2020.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2015" data-original-width="2013" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DcDZp4GTXFA/X53k_CnV_7I/AAAAAAAABCU/cpv00Dt1cIkJghUCq_nlCfFos7_54oNDwCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/MyPumpkin2020.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This is my pumpkin this year. I had no plans to do one. We didn't go pick any. But one was</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">bought for me to do. I had no idea what to carve. This sort of morphed from the eyes which </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">were sort of natural upside down v's in the skin and I just went from there. No pre drawing or </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">anything. I kinda like how it turned out.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Nothing about this year feels right. None of the holidays we've had so far. Not my birthday that</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">was 3 days ago. Not the upcoming holidays. Not even today. It just doesn't feel like Halloween.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Just like it didn't feel like my birthday. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving is coming. Everything just</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">feels.........BLAH!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">In the it's always something category:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">So.... As I have written in the previous posts, my doctor and I have decided that surgery is the </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">best solution to what I have going on. With the adenomyosis, the likelihood is high that I also </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">have endometriosis. I do have symptoms of it. Being that I just turned 51, he figures I have about</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">a "year's shelf life left" on the ovaries and thinks it best to just take them now. With the chances of</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">there being endo, he feels that I could have that reoccur if they stay since they produce the "fertilizer" that makes it (the endo) grow. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">All was going right along at my pre op appointment until the moment the nurse said "BUT". There's no date set yet because there is a snafu with my insurance. The insurance is claiming that there is a third party insurer on there that is primary even though everything on my stuff says that my insurance provider is my primary. I've tried twice now to get this other company removed and the dispute department doesn't see it or understand why/how it is there. PLUS when I call H&W, they don't see it either (or so they say). But when my doctor tries to run my claims, they get denied.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">SIGH!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This means everything is on hold until H&W sorts this shit out. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And what really sucks is that I can't just go into an office to get help with this to show them what </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">the doctor's office gave me so that maybe we can figure out what's wrong.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Rona has just fucked up so much shit. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Part of me started thinking the maybe this was a sign that I made the wrong choice.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">But when I have pain every day. And even though it's not such major pain that disrupts my day to day,</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I do know that at some point it will get worse and then it will be disruptive.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Honestly though, I am terrified.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Scared to get the surgery.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Scared to not get it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Scared I won't wake up.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Scared that I will have post op complications.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Scared that surgical menopause will make a raging bitch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Scared that this won't get sorted out with the insurance and then I have to figure out how to</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">pay for medical bills that are at $4000+ and counting. Plus how to pay for the medication</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I will need for the rest of my life. (Thanks thyroid)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I've been sitting on all of this for almost two weeks now.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm a mess. My anxiety is through the damn roof.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Every thing feels all so doom and gloom.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Then we have the election next week and that isn't helping things either.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm really scared of what will happen come Tuesday.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Tomorrow starts NaNoWriMo.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Will be my 15th? 16th?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I lose track if I don't look at the site lol.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I want to do it, but part of me is like meh why bother.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">All this feeling of doom and gloom just makes me want to crawl into a blanket fort and hide forever.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Yet if I don't try, I feel like I am missing something.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I should be in my "studio" making art and writing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">And now, even though I have a space to do it, </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I still feel paralized by the fear and you're not good enough gremlins.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Then again, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm trying to learn how to "do it anyway". But some days...ya know.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Any way.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">This is the current state of things.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Stay safe in your corner of the world. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Blessings.</div><br /><p><br /></p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-36522142474696934882020-09-30T13:24:00.001-06:002020-09-30T13:24:27.974-06:00Finally, A Bit Of Good News!<p> On Monday, I went back to the doctor for a follow up to my biopsy the week before to get my results.</p><p>The good news is.........THE BIOPSY WAS CLEAN!!! Nothing was detected in any of the samples.<br />PHEW!!! <insert sigh of relief here></p><p>However...<br />I will still need to have a hysterectomy.<br /></p><p>Doctor said I have a very angry looking uterus.<br />But I didn't think to ask what exactly that meant.<br />He did biopsy all the angry looking areas, and those were all clear too.<br />Hmmph No wonder I am still hurting. He really did poke the bear!!</p><p>He said I could try an IUD....BUT.....<br />Because of the adenomyosis he doesn't believe that the IUD would stay and do it's job.<br />He believes it would expel soon after being inserted.<br />I didn't want to go that route anyway because I've heard too many bad things about IUDs.</p><p>So because I basically have endometriosis IN my uterine walls, the likelihood of having it <br />outside as well is a very good possibility. And every cycle they bleed because they don't know better.<br />Which explains painful and heavy cycles.<br /><br />The question becomes now do I take out or leave the ovaries in.<br />As it stands, if he sees they need to be taken he will do so. I have until mid October to decide if I just<br />want to say "fuck it, take them".</p><p>IF I were to leave them, there is a 65% chance of needing a second surgery to remove them after all.<br />A 30% chance of recurring pain, or remaining in pain as I am now.<br />Taking them right off, reduces a second surgery to a 30% chance. And pain to 4%.</p><p>I think I know what I'm going to do.<br />I think I know what I want to do.<br />But I worry if it's the right decision.<br /></p><p>I've only done a little research right now.<br />I was immediately getting overwhelmed.<br />Of course many of the things I found were all OMGDOOM!DONTTAKETHEOVARIES!!!<br />Nevermind what mine are doing to me right?<br />At the same time I was finding similar things to just having a hysterectomy.</p><p>Oddly though, I couldn't seem to find much by way of more recent articles, or things about my particular age group. Most of these were about women 45 and under.</p><p>I think I will just sit with it all this week and try to relax.<br />And Breathe!<br />Then next week I can try to do some research. I have some time yet.</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-44381093824273736162020-09-27T17:35:00.000-06:002020-09-27T17:35:01.227-06:00It's Been A Painful Week<p> This week has just been painful....no two ways about it.<br />I wasn't expecting to hurt this long. But here we are.</p><p>Yesterday I was outside with the little monster while she tossed around the dog's toy.<br />Girl's got a wild pitch and accidently hit me right where the doctor poked the bear.<br />HOLY FUCK! Did that hurt!!!<br />We think I'm bruised there now on top of the poked bear spot. So double the fun...NOT!</p><p><br /></p><p>But aside from that yesterday just sucked balls.<br />Screw everything else that's happened...which also sucks in a major way.<br />But...Fred.<br />Oh Fred. *sob*</p><p>He was fine in the morning. Mom said he even ate all his breakfast. I let him out at 8:30 AM<br />and he was fine. Even came back without being called. <br />By the afternoon though, something was terribly wrong.<br />Sister and the kids came over and he didn't get up. He didn't bark.<br />Which is SO NOT FRED! <br />I tried but he wouldn't get up. Beloved tried and he wouldn't get up. So Beloved helped up and<br />poor baby cried. I managed to coax him half way to the door and he laid down again.<br />We thought it was his back because he's a long dog. Long dogs as they get older get back problems.<br />Sister looked in his mouth and his gums were white.<br />He was going into shock and we didn't know why.</p><p>Sister and Mom scooped him up and jumped in the car, rushing him to the vet.<br />After determining he didn't get into any kind of poison the vet did an ultrasound.<br />It turns out, his spleen ruptured and he was bleeding internally. It was a cancer we had no<br />idea he even had because he had been fine. He was always just being Fred.<br />Even if they did surgery, he would have had to have chemo. At best he would have had six <br />more months after that and it would be a painful six months.</p><p>Mom made the heart breaking decision to let him go with dignity and spare him more pain.<br /><br />We are all just heart broken. We have 4 other dogs, but the house is just too quiet without Fred.<br />No clippity cloppity on the floor from him walking. No woo wooing when he'd talk to you.<br />It sucks! I want my Fred back!! Fuck Cancer!!!!!</p><p>He just turned 9 last month. We were supposed to have a few more years with him.<br />Vet said he is seeing more and more of this kind of cancer in dogs. And it's the worst kind because you don't know about it until it's too late. Did I mention FUCK CANCER?!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iRhsd5RrPaI/X3Ehiib6VHI/AAAAAAAABBM/1jkSlhRyhisw3kQ4gsT4GU5-LiLlFGP1QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1824/Fred.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1368" data-original-width="1824" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-iRhsd5RrPaI/X3Ehiib6VHI/AAAAAAAABBM/1jkSlhRyhisw3kQ4gsT4GU5-LiLlFGP1QCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Fred.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3707428631611145282.post-57231237471286152092020-09-22T16:57:00.000-06:002020-09-22T16:57:02.658-06:00The Day After<p> So.........Biopies............</p><p>SUCK Donkey wang!!</p><p>Ouch!!!!</p><p>It was painful in ways I didn't expect.<br />I came home and pretty much slept the rest of the day and night away.</p><p>I still could, if I let myself.<br />So tired.</p><p>And sore, achy.<br />My back. But I don't know if that the procedure or fibro or both.<br />My right side is very twitchy. I know THAT is from the procedure.<br />It was touchy before, now it's just pissed lol.</p><p>I go back on Monday for the results of what was done.<br />The one thing he did say though was I would probably be losing an ovary in the process.</p><p>The initial goal was to leave them.<br />So we shall see.</p><p>Today was the first day that the top number of my BP was low.<br />I think it was 119/90. I know the bottom is still high.</p><p>Having bouts of nausea but I can eat and keep food down.<br />So I am guessing it's just me coming off the one medication.</p><p><br /></p><p>I dunno maybe I'm just a wimp.<br /><br /></p><p>I've been really struggling to do that assignment the doctor gave me.<br />Hard to find anything I like or love about myself.</p>Morgaine Pendragonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18121338493723791466noreply@blogger.com2