Friday, May 27, 2011

I Apparently Cannot Count, Today Makes 11 Days

Or perhaps, it's that I just wish I was there already? Maybe both? Yesterday was 12, to day is 11 days until I leave. I still have the box dilemma, and the scrap book dilemma. I think I might just ship them. I don't really see a choice. I think my biggest thing is my books that I want really. Some are new, some are used. Yes most or all can be replaced. But it still ends up cheaper to ship them media rate than to try to replace them all. Especially my Eragon series which are first editions. (For whatever's a big deal to me. Almost all my Harry Potters are first too, but I am leaving those with my oldest. I think) Then there's my 50th Anniversary collector's edition of the "Lord of the Rings". Yes it was a gift from the Ogre...but it's Tolkien damn it! And my "Mists of Avalon" series. Then my herb books....FUCK there's got to be an easier way.

In total I think it's about 9 or 10 small boxes. I mean smallest is 9"x8.5"x5" and largest is 16"x10"x12". The others are assorted sizes in between. And I still need a box to put my Great Grandma's 3 little crystal sherry glasses in (I think that's what they are) and my Grandma's very old kissing Mr and Mrs Claus. I'd love to take her nativity statues but they are so old and fragile they won't make it. I'm not even sure the Mr. and Mrs. will :( as they are probably just as old. Maybe I should just leave them here?

And that's not counting my PC and monitor that I'll be shipping as well. Right now it's a toss up between UPS and FedEx. But hell if I can get a good gauge on price. If I go through the company sites I get one price. If I go through a price comparison site, I get totally different prices. UGH!!!!!!!!! I honestly don't know which one I should go through if the price is close. FedEx shows it can get it there in like 4 days (ship Tuesday, arrives Friday). UPS looks like they may have a 3 day, which would get it there by Thursday.

Now some maybe thinking, what's the big deal on when it arrives. Well see, I'm a gamer, sort of. I play MMOs and I'm am an important part of a team in one of these games and there's no one that can replace me. And I don't want us missing more than we have to. Yes I care about the people I play with, so I don't want to disrupt our schedule too much for too long. Plus, it has a lot of my important shit on it too. So, yes getting it to me as quick as possible is priority.

All this part get around, to get things done and I have no one to turn to save one person...Just makes me realize how isolated I've been. When the only people you know are the people he knows...and you know that they won't believe you or help you...It really sucks. I'm just grateful to my only friend here for doing what she can, when she's able to. It really means a lot to me.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

12 Days and Counting

Well, I leave in 12 days. WOAH! I gotta tell ya my mind won't stay quiet. I constantly feel like I'll forget something important, or just forget something in general. There are some things my grandma left me I wish I could take, but it's just not possible. But it will be here for the girls. So in the end I guess it's all good.

I was going to tell the Ogre over the weekend and I was so terrified, I was getting sick to my stomach. I don't think the girls want to be in the room when I do it. And that makes me uneasy. After talking it over a bit with my Beloved, it was decided that I'd wait a few more days to tell the Ogre. The thought of having to put up with whatever shit he might throw my way for 2 weeks didn't seem logical.

So now the choice comes down to do I tell him this weekend OR wait till my oldest comes home from her trip? She returns on Wednesday. So do I tell him Thursday? Do I tell him the weekend before I leave? I've come close to slipping now a couple times. My biggest fear is what he will do. I can't help worrying that he will either do something to me or some how keep me from leaving. And yes, I could very well be overreacting and he might do nothing at all.

It all just makes me very scared and nervous. It gets me to the point of being sick to my stomach. This part really sucks! I don't like feeling like this.

Friday, May 20, 2011


18 days to left until I leave. Still planning/contemplating telling the Ogre this weekend. My oldest asked I would please wait until after they went to that super center place that has all the shit you need. She wants to make sure she gets stuff for her trip on Tuesday before I tell him. Fair enough, I suppose.

Still playing phone tag again this week with Miss Helpful. It sucks! I understand she is very busy. It tough because there's only 2 advocates in the office. And ironically Miss Bitchy is the one that always answers the phone. I know she probably recognizes my voice by now and I often wonder if she just doesn't send me straight to voicemail. I will try again on Monday.

Tuesday my oldest leaves for week visit to Texas to see her girlfriend. I must admit, I'm rather surprised she is getting to go. I, we thought he would continue to make excuses for her not to go. He doesn't accept her choice. (She came out to us on Christmas day.) I'm very supportive, I love my child and her choice doesn't change who she is. "HE" on the other hand has issues and is in denial. I think it was her girlfriend's parents offering to buy the ticket that got to "HIM" though. Even though we can't afford to send her. I don't know how the fuck "HE" is doing this but...she's going and thrilled. So I'm happy for her.

Tuesday will also mark 2 weeks until I leave. I'm feeling a bit scatter brained at the moment. Trying to decide still what needs to go now, what can I do with out. How will I get said boxes to be shipped? Still contemplating how to get my 2 scrapbooks there.

RIP "Macho Man" Randy Savage. I remember watching him as he went up against the likes of Hulk Hogan, Ricky Steamboat, etc. Back in the day when wrestling was wrestling...I was a fan of it. I remember meeting Ivan Putski and Ted DiBiase (I touched his hand, I was 12 and had a HUGE crush!!!) I hope his wife has a swift recovery.

And the rapture nonsense (SIGH!). Enough already? I dunno. I mean people are doing stupid shit like quitting their jobs, spending their life savings....It's madness. Now the only thing I can say is back from when I was in church, one thing that was always preached is nobody knows when this shit will go down. And I'm sorry but I clearly remember them teaching that after the rapture it's supposed to be 7 years not 5 months. And if this dumb ass old fart is gonna make such claims....why the fuck is the rest of the shit that supposedly leads up to this going on? Oh yea cuz he's full of shit? What's he gonna say when 6 rolls around and nothing happens? "Oops, I screwed up again?" People People....if you want to believe in it that's fine and dandy...but don't go doing stupid shit like quitting your job, spending your last dime, etc. I wasn't gonna talk about it but "HE" has brought it up a couple times in the last couple days. And I don't know why. LOL

Thursday, May 19, 2011

On Writing...

My mind has be wandering back to writing a lot lately. I haven't had anything specific jump out, not really except the image of a very haggard looking soul. Not quite sure yet where this potential character might fit in to my work in progress (that's been sitting for almost 4 years) or something new. But the thought of possibly being able to write again makes me smile. However, while I am hoping at some point to be able to focus on my fiction writing, I have have been pondering to perhaps dabble in some non-fiction.

My thinking is to possible get set up and write some articles for one of the online sites. Examiner has been suggested to me. I have been checking into which is owned by AOL. I've also consider possibly Associated Content and then I kinda get stuck. I don't want to tie myself to one source if I do this. I want to have options. So my question is to those of you that write...Which sites are you familiar with? Have you worked with? Pros/cons of the sites? What about print or e-zines, any that you would recommend as good starter places to look at?

I have some thoughts on what I might try to write about article-wise that I might want to offer a print or e-zine. I know with some of the places like SEED, you select a topic they offer and write on it. Now I know this isn't going to be a money maker, sell the farm and retire way to make money...but it will be something if I can get accepted and published. It would be a good way to fill in the gaps and make a few dollars while I try to secure a job. It's a thought. So any suggestions, advice, etc...would be welcomed and appreciated.

I would also prefer to use my maiden name instead of my married name. Is that even a possibility? I mean it is my name after all. I don't want to use my married name if I can avoid it that would be awesome. Or is possible to use a pen name for these things? Suggestions? Advice?

Oh and I leave in 19 days :D Had to throw that in there.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

20 and counting!

SO! As of yesterday, I leave in OMG! 3 weeks!! I can't begin to express exactly how I feel because I feel like a bunch of different things at once. I'm sure I've said it here more than once the last couple of posts. I am happy, scared, excited, nervous.

Sad too, because I will miss my girls. I love them both so much. They are the only real good that came out of this. I need them to understand that I need to do this. I need to be happy. I need to be me. They both know I'm not happy here, and haven't been for quite sometime now. It's not because of them. It's because of "HIM", their dad. And I just can't live with him anymore.

Just a couple of weeks ago, he tried to 'talk me into' his idea to set appointments and give directions from home for a doctor friend. He hadn't even discussed it with the guy! He said it was because he wanted to see if I was interested first. I'm not interested in the idea and I really think it is better suited for someone that is actually familiar with a medical practice. But that's just my opinion. Now if he says I can still do it even if I'm 2200 miles away...I might reconsider it.

I'm trying this "roll and ziplock" pack method. I'm not really seeing a big difference in the bag before and after. I thought this might allot me a tad bit of room in the bag to maybe I don't know get one more ziplock in it perhaps. In someways I feel like I'm trying to take too much, thinking this or that can be replaced. But at the same time, I don't want to have to replace things unnecessarily. Some things I just don't want to leave behind. I would love to take all my writing magazines, but that's impossible. I've narrowed down the books I wanted for sure and have them packed. It seems like some of the other 'want to keeps' should go flat rate box. It appears it would be cheaper that way, than for the same size box to go regular mail cost almost twice as much.

I know I could leave some boxes and have them sent after I'm there. But I fully believe the Ogre wouldn't take the girls to the Post Office to mail them. Yes I could ask my friend to do it too I suppose. But the truth is, I don't want to trouble or burden anyone to get my shit to me. And I really hoped to take some of my yarns with me, since at 4.50-5.00 bucks a skein, I REALLY don't want to have to be replacing them. I'll figure it out. (hopefully:D)

I am planning to tell "HIM" next week before my oldest leaves for her week trip to Texas. I figured he'd be less likely to have too much of an outburst if they are both here. Not that it's stopped him before though. I'm hoping though that he will want to continue to 'look like the good guy' and not tell me to get out then and there. I'm also hoping that with him always saying behind my back that he knows I'm not happy and that if I am so unhappy I can leave and he wouldn't stop me...that he won't cause a scene either. Just please keep me in your thoughts as I head towards this moment of telling him. I'll need all the strength, love, and happy-good thoughts, vibes you all can send my way.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Update...24 days to go...

Okay so let's see...I finally once again managed to reach Miss Helpful. First it was court, then she lost her voice and was sick, then it was court again....Talked to her the other day, and tried to reach her yesterday as per her instructions and guess what....She's stuck in court...AGAIN! So I will try to get her sometime today, hopefully. Otherwise it's just more phone tag. And she is still working on finding me an attorney, so that's a plus.

I've decide I will be trying the roll and gallon zip lock bag method to pack. Now I know it won't change the weight of things, but it will allow for more room to fit the same amount of stuff in the same bag with some allowance for me to add to it if necessary. Got clarification on packing and shipping my computer too. Which will end up costing a bit less than I anticipated so that makes me VERY happy. And the extra I thought I was spending will go towards shipping out my books via media mail. YEAH! Still deciding if I want to ship my Harry Potters with me or leave them in my darling daughter's protective hands.

I think for the most part at this point is how to handle shipping my old photos that were my grandma's. I have 2 large 12x12 albums full of these old phones not to mention all the loose ones too. I have the albums in my carry on bag at the moment but man those suckers are heavy. So I thought maybe I would ship them. But I'm so afraid to do that as much as I am afraid to stick them in the checked bags. Some of those in there are the only copies I have and the pages are much too large to scan. But I need to figure something out.

The only real big decisions I have to make as far as my stuff goes is when I want to ship out my boxes. The PC will get shipped the day I leave most likely. And then it just comes down to the when and how to tell the Ogre. I pretty much know what I will tell him, but when and how...le sigh I dunno. Even Miss Helpful is unsure of how this will best be handled.

I will have the girls present (hopefully) when I do tell him. So if he doesn't want to look like a total douche and be a dick in front of the kids as well as piss them off for life...He won't tell me to leave then and there. Because to him, image is everything. And if he wants to look like the good guy, he won't tell me to leave until it's time (HOPEFULLY).

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Packing...Is Hard!

I spent the better part of I guess it was Tuesday, going through my dresser and then yesterday going through my closet. Ended up with a trash bag and a half so far of clothes to donate. My dilemma? I still feel like I have too much. How? Why? Well...I filled up a duffel type bag and one fairly good sized piece of luggage and I still have to pack the clothes I left out to wear until then.

And I have barely any room to stick (shove) anything else into the bags. I had hoped to take a few skeins of my yarn with me. I boxed up all my ribbon that I had planned to make a handfasting cord with along with my smaller skeins to possibly ship ahead. I just can't do that with everything I can't fit or want, not at 10.95 per flat rate box.

I'm thinking I will have to unpack what I have, and re-evaluate it all and see if I can't narrow it down even more. Sad thing doesn't even seem like all that much but it takes up room fast! Or maybe, I'm just not packing it properly. I've seen where instead of folding things to place in your luggage you fold then roll into a log, supposedly you can fit more that way.

I would love to be able to get another piece of decent size luggage to use instead of the duffel bag type one I have. But I don't see that as an option at the moment, not when I have to be extremely careful with the money I have left.

And then I'm still trying to figure out when and how to tell the Ogre. He's been a stewing these last few days. I feel like there's a storm coming with him. I also kind of feel like he knows something, but if he does...he isn't letting on. I found out the other night from my young one that even though he knows I'm not happy, he thinks I will come around and everything will be just dandy. Um...hmmm...let's see it's been over 3 years now....and uh...what part of not happening doesn't he get? I know I can't leave it till the last minute, well I can but that would only cause more problems I think. But I'm don't know how well telling him a week or two in advance will go either. No matter how you look at it, there is no easy way to figure it out.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Another Step

Trying to reach Miss Helpful can be frustrating since it's so hit and miss. I've yet to touch bases with her again. But it's just the nature of how things work with that. I'll get to talk to her eventually, and hopefully before I leave.

Which brings me to...I have my plane ticket. And I have a place to go to when I get there. So the count down to leaving officially begins today. I have about 36 days to figure out what I want to take with me, what can fit into 2 check in bags and a carry on. I can pack a 3rd bag if needed and if I want to spend $50 to do that.

I don't remember there being so many restrictions to traveling! I don't remember everything being a-la-cart either. I mean like I know they haven't served a meal on a flight in forever...the last meal I remember getting was probably in 94? When I flew back with my daughter after a visit to NY...I had so many bags and one was VERY LARGE and HEAVY!! I didn't have to pay extra. But it seems that is the norm now. Even when I flew to NY in 06 I didn't have to pay for checking in any bags.

So here I am, mental list ticking away...sifting through what is important, what I need, etc. Clothes of course top the list. My irreplaceable photo albums have to be with me too. Yes I could leave it with my girls but I dunno. I want to take some of my yarns and my paints too. My paints alone weigh 5 lbs!!! Sadly I can't take my large paper I don't think :( I've got the paintings I've done rolled up into 2 mailer tubes. I was thinking I might somehow send them ahead. Or I can leave them with my daughters.

How do I consolidate my life into 3 bags and a laptop case and one shipped computer? I don't even know if I would ever be able to even come get anything I do leave in the future. He may just end up tossing my things on spite for all I know.

Now I have to figure out when and how to tell the Ogre. I think this is the part that scares me most of all. I am not sure what I'll do if he tells me to get out right then and there. I hope to have most of my stuff packed and concealed before then. I suppose if I had to, I could go to the shelter (shutters) and have them pay for the ticket change if I had to leave sooner. But there I go over thinking again.