Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Searching For My Word

We are 12 days from Christmas and 19 (?) days from the start of the New Year.

About this time of year, I start to ponder a word to bring me into the New Year. Something to focus on, strive for, bring to life throughout the year. I discovered this idea back in 2010, I think it was. It was that year that I picked a word for 2011. My word then was FREEDOM. And Oh My! I lived my word that year.

Since then, I have chosen a word every December. Not all of them had the same impact as that first one.  Last year, I chose DREAM. And while I did do quite a bit of dreaming, not much was brought to life.

As we day by day, draw 2017 to a close I am searching for my word for 2018. I have a list I have been putting together, possible words. I found several new to me words, a couple have potential to be a the top of the list.

  • NOVATURIENT: (adjective) Desiring or seeking powerful change in one's life, behavior, or situation. (note: I have done a bit of research on this word and a few sites claim it is not a "real" word. So finding a synonym for it is impossible.)
  • AUTOTELIC: A person who is motivated by the deeper inner rewards of creativity, immersion, and "flow".
  • QUERENCIA: A place where one feels safe, a place from which one's strength of character is drawn. The place where you are your most authentic self.
  • METANOIA: The journey to changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.
They all have some poetic-ness to them, but I also want something that is always in the back of mind within reach. Because these words are so unique, I am afraid I will easily forget it on a daily basis.

Then there is the list of "normal" word choices:

I know that there really isn't a hard fast rule that says I can't have more than one word. Like let's say I choose NAVIGATE and ANCHOR, for example. So more than one is always an option like when I chose Creative Alchemy a while back.

But the last few weeks I have been feeling the need to draw INWARD. Now, I don't know if it is a temporary thing or something I need to do for the year. But another word is coming up to that isn't on the list yet, and that word is ENOUGH. All this year, the last several years, and if I am honest most of my life I have struggled with feeling like I am enough. That feeling of not being, of lacking, of being less reared it's head again a few days ago.

Part of me is beginning to think that I need to tackle that head on.  To work on self love, self care, self acceptance. To stop worrying if I am not ENOUGH or if I am TOO MUCH for some people. I feel like I need to come to some terms with  what does being ENOUGH feel like. I am ENOUGH for me?

I will sit with my list for as long as I need, adding or subtracting possible words. Seeing which one or ones fit for 2018. Hopefully I will find it before the new year begins.

How about you? Have you picked your word(s) yet? I would love to hear your choices if you have or your nominees if you are still deciding.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Moons and Retrogrades

I was writing a post last night about how I wanted to spend the next couple of days thinking about what i want to try and accomplish in the new year. Thinking about what I did succeed at this year, where and what I could do better with. Then I started thinking, well maybe it is too soon ya know. It is only the beginning of December after all. I know the days fly by and then the Solstice, Christmas, and New Year's will be upon us before we know it.

I had seen posts about it, but it just wasn't registering in my brain. Mercury Retrograde! It started today.  Crap, that's the initial go to thought, am I right? But then I saw an image shared by C. Ara Campbell of The Goddess Circle. And like holy crap! I had to read it twice. Most of it was almost exactly what I was thinking last night!

This is the time of year I go inward. It usually starts right around or just after Halloween/Samhain for me. The last quarter, I start going into reflection mode. And this retrograde is ideal for INTROSPECTION. So really, (retrograde is from 3rd - 22nd) I'm in the right frame of mind right now.

Another thing I usually try to do, and not just during retrograde but it's a key for this one is to THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX and to also LOOK AT THINGS IN A NEW LIGHT.  I have trouble with out of the box thinking. My brain has a hard time functioning that way, it's a learning process for me. Usually by the time I do, it's too late to apply to the situation. Then I am trying to learn not to over think things. So.Freaking.Hard! I'm trying not to look at every road block as an obstacle, that not every brick wall is a bad thing.

Next is MAKE PLANS & WORK OUT THE DETAILS. So again, my thoughts of working on a plan for 2018 is actually right on target, timing is good for it. I am not making resolutions any more, because let's face it by January 2nd I'm usually saying fuckthatshit. But making a list of things I'd like to accomplish within the year seems different to me. I try to keep my list very doable. If I don't finish it all, it's okay. But it's no longer okay for me to want to do something and then waste the time I have and not do any of it.

Another site summoned up the retrograde period as a time to REFLECT, REVIEW, & CLARIFY. I'm on the reflecting and reviewing part, or I will be. That's the plan this week anyway.

That brings us to the Full Moon. Also known as the Cold Moon, Oak Moon, or Moon of the Long Nights.  Ara says the keys for this Full Moon, which is also a Super Moon are:

There is some cross over on the two lists, planning and reimaging. The hard ones are letting go of old shit and that last one. Oh boy! That is a BIG one! I'm still hiding in so many ways. I try to come of my shell, step out of the box. But I struggle to be seen, to be heard, to be taken seriously. No matter how hard I try I still always feel invisible and silent, or like I am just a big joke to everyone. Is it because I am such an introvert? Is it all those years of being raised by a narcissistic mother, then marrying one? Is it all that conditioning you go through? Maybe I can never escape it, the damage too far gone, too deep. Maybe I'm not supposed to be visible or heard. I don't know, but definitely something to think about this Full Moon. And perhaps even something I need to let go of.

Wishing you all Full Moon Blessings!

Thursday, November 30, 2017

YAY! I DID IT!!!!!!!!

So I finally did it!
I won another National Novel Writing Month.
I did it last night, just before eight o'clock.
I was a great feeling to validate over fifty thousand.
I was going to just chill out today.
But it is the final day and I kind of would like to see how
much more I can eek out.
Most (ALL) of it is a messy crappy pile 
of words.
If it turns into something, it will need
quite a bit of editing.
I will definitely need to print out what I do have
and then make copious notes of people, 
places, and things.
Tomorrow, I will just breathe.
Tomorrow, will just be blogging, most likely.
Here is to hoping that my next win is not in another four years!

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Going Into The Home Stretch

Here we are in the last two days of National Novel Writing Month. I have caught up in word count much to my surprise! I ended yesterday with need 3,773 words to finish and be declared an "OFFICIAL" winner.

In  my mind, I am a winner regardless since I have written more words then I have in a long time. Except for maybe September when I did the blog along. I might have topped the numbers then between the two blogs. I never checked, but I am curious how much I did write that month. Maybe I will figure up the numbers once I am done with this month.

It feels good to be this close to winning. It has been four years since I had a win and this will only be my second win in all my years participating. While a good bit of it is Rebel writing, I am okay with that because I feel like I split my writing between fiction and non fiction. So does that still make me a rebel? I am not sure, but I like the title Rebel Writer.

At this moment that I am writing this, my fiction writing tab is open and I am approximately 1200 words in. So that means only 2500 more to go. I have decided that my goal is to reach the 50000 today so that I can take tomorrow off if I choose to.

I did not do any sort of reward system for myself for specific word goals. I know several people do that. But I just wanted to write for the sake of writing. There was no point in a reward system if I did not have the money to spend on rewards.

But yep, there it is. The finish line for November is in my sights. I can't wait to cross it!

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Determination and Road Blocks

Holy Shit I have written close to three thousand words today! If I can squeeze out another two thousand, I will actually be back on track to win. But I do not know what to do. Do I just roll that into what I need in the next two days? Or do I buckle down and try to keep going as far as I can tonight? Decisions, decisions!

I ended up not doing my writing by hand after all this year. I need to figure out a good set up to be able to do that comfortably. I would like to be able to do that at my computer desk, then I feel cramped. I would need a small table next to it or something. I could do it at my art table, but I really want to leave that just for art. It is not really a dilemma but it is sort of, but not one that will keep me from writing if I want to.

I also have not decided if I want to take a few days break in December or keep going. Since the cold is still lingering, I would like to say I want to take the weekend at least. Just to chill and decompress. But then I am afraid I will lose steam and then just keep making excuse after excuse about why I will not write that day. Which brings me to two quotes I have come across in the last couple of days.

The first is:
(found via Facebook and Google)

this is the second one
(discovered via BohoBerry, image from Google)

Both of these got me thinking a lot the last couple of days. One kind of leads into the other the more I think about it. Both of these to me, say a whole lot about determination. I guess you could say I am having quite a few light bulb moments since I have gotten this cold. Or maybe it started while watching Granny leave this world and pass on into the next, and it is just culminating here. What ever the trigger is, I hope it does not stop. I am rather enjoying these little epiphanies.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I find I can come up with a lot of excuses for not doing a thing I want to do. No space, no time, not the right supplies, I will do it later, I suck, I am not good at it, and on and on it can go. I find I do that the most with writing. I usually start with the idea of "I will write today." Then that turns into, well I need to have coffee first, check email and facebook, have more coffee. And then it goes into I will do it later, then it is I will do it after dinner. Which becomes I will squeeze in a few words before bed, to which I always say I will do it tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes and it is a rinse and repeat scenario and instead becoming a writer, I have become the person that dreams about writing.

Now yes it can be true that maybe the timing is not write or perhaps I am not truly ready. Or is it that I am just procrastinating my ass off and I am scared shit to fail. Some? All? But that is what I want to change, one of things anyway. I think it is kind of like having a baby. There is never a right time to have one. You never have enough money, enough space, enough security, enough knowledge. You can plan and plan and plan, and still it is not enough. Your book (MY BOOK) is your (MY) baby. It is time to jump in with both feet and get to work on it, what ever it might end up being.

I am determined to be a writer, even if I am never published. Sure that would be amazing, but I would just like to get my stories written. I want to be able to accomplish at least one of my dreams.

Which leads into the second quote about brick walls. I immediately started thinking about all the ones I have faced or am facing. Some are self imposed, like the lies I had been told all my life. They are designed to keep me from chasing after what I want. They are designed to stop me. So I have to ask myself, how badly do I want my dreams to come true? How determined am I to pursue them and make them realities?

We are about to enter into the final stretch of the year. I have not gotten a lot accomplished. Brick walls, self imposed or other wise have held me back. Lack of determination to fight to over come them has also held me back. So I ask myself, am I going to keep letting those lies and those brick walls get in my way? Or am I going to make a plan over the remainder of the year of how I am going to tackle those walls and those dreams of mine a reality?

I am going to chose to make a plan. I think I am going to need to find an accountability partner. Someone that I can share my ideas and plans with, someone that can kick me in the ass when I start slacking or letting those obstacles get the better of me. Or perhaps I can just put my big girl panties on, pull up my boot straps, and get my ass in gear. However this happens, I am not going to repeat this bullshit next year. 

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Still Sick, But At Least I Got Some Words Down

I no longer feel like I have a Brillo encased rock in my throat which is fantastic. Now instead I have a cough that bounces between slightly wet and dry. Either way, it makes my chest feel like my twenty pound cat is sitting on it. I have no congestion to speak of, at least not in my sinuses which is a good thing too. I think, maybe, I hope.

So all this coughing and feeling crappy, led to me having a little pity party. And that is just fine. It is allowed sometimes. I whined, I complained, I may have moaned to myself about it here and there. Then I came across a couple of articles and quotes today that were like Cher in "Moonstruck" saying "Snap Out Of It!"

I made it a point today to sit and write, even when I wanted to close the program and go back to bed. Or binge on Netflix. Or go and play a game. I took a small break to watch today's episode of Outlander, then went right back to writing. Now I did not do it all in one big chunk. It took me all day to write the words that I did, but it felt good to do it and even better when I checked my totals and it was over thirty four hundred words.

See....I know I can do it when I set my mind to. Sometimes I give in too easily. But there were also days here last week where I had nothing to speak of because the words just would not come together. I suppose that is okay too. I can't force the words. And if sitting on it a few days means I get a burst of a few thousand words in one day, then I will take it. I will take them where I can get them.

On those days I have had trouble writing, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Well I have been doing that in general. I seem to do that quite a bit around this time of year. I go inward, I reflect back on things I did or did not do, things I want to do. I have some ideas about writing that I want to give some serious thought. There are several things I want to really think about and check into. For now on some it, I think I will just make notes and look into them when I am feeling better.

Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better and hopefully I can add more words to my writing.

Friday, November 24, 2017

24 Days In And I'm Losing Steam

It is day twenty four of National Novel Writing Month and I am losing steam here. This week was just busy busy busy with Thanksgiving stuff. Then yesterday was of course the big turkey day. We tried to be festive but when you recently suffered a loss of a loved one it is hard.

We went around the table and shared a memory about Granny. It is their first holiday without her. And yesterday being eleven years to the day that I lost my own Grandma, I was not sure if I was going to make it through saying whatever I was going to say. Lucky for me I ended up last in the line and held my shit together to say something. I have only known her a short seven years. By the time I met her, dementia was taking hold. Luckily I got to see her on a lot of her good days, but I also saw how it was taking away her memories even in that short of time. I was glad to know that at the end she knew me and that is something I will hold in my heart.

It was really hard to hold it together yesterday though. There were so many times I just wanted to go off and  cry. But I did not do it, I kept it together. I can't decide if I should be angry because I did not cry or happy about it. Sometimes, it is hard to know.  What I do know is that if I did cry, I probably would have gotten other people crying which might have been a bad thing. And crying when you have a cold is even worse. So maybe just for yesterday, it was good that I did not cry.

So yeah, I think I have some sort of head cold thing going on. I knew I had been dancing with it on and off, it could not decide if it wanted to manifest or not. Of course, it has to decide to do so for Thanksgiving day! It sucked not being able to really taste all the delicious food. I mean I could taste but it was off. I tried to make a recipe my mother's mother used to make every holiday. Just a small batch to make sure I did not forget how. And of course, the cold messes me up and I can't tell if I got the flavor right. I am still eating it anyway damn it!! It tasted okay, but I think I did not put enough of something in it. Maybe more salt, maybe more mushrooms. Could have even needed more pepper. Really not sure.

Well this stupid cold is not even sure how it wants to be. Not really stuffy, not really coughing (until now, which is like a tickle and annoying). I wake up feeling like I have a rock wrapped with brillo in my throat, but after I get some fluids (coffee!) going, it does start to loosen and is not as bad. After a couple of hours that part usually does not even feel the same and I do not sound like a cartoon character.

But being under the weather, coupled with holiday events and missing loved ones is just making it really hard to write. I dunno, maybe I need to just push through and try to muster up words. I have fallen about six thousand words behind. I will need to write about twenty three hundred words a day for the next week to make goal and win. Part of me wants to say screw it and stay in bed and get better. Part me  wants to say quit being a pansy ass and just write. But what to do when the words will not come? 

All I can say for this moment, right now, it is time for some NyQuil and to dowse myself in Vicks Rub and try to sleep. Hopefully I will feel better in the morning.