How Do You Say Good-bye When You Can't Be There?

My heart is aching once again. 

Sunday morning, my youngest called in tears "Are you okay Mom?"  My heart stopped, I told her I was fine and asked her what was wrong.  She asked if I knew or if I had been online yet.  I told her no to both, and then she told me my Uncle died.  I froze!  My heart dropped and I cried a cry from deep within.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I rushed over to my computer and pulled up my Facebook page and there was the message from my cousin telling me ever so briefly that her dad had passed away shortly after midnight.  I didn't know he had taken a turn for the worse.  I didn't know that the cancer had spread.  I hadn't heard anything in the last six months, so like always I figured no news was good news.  I guess I was wrong.

He had been battling prostate cancer for a couple of years.  It had gone into remission a few years ago, but as I understand it came back about 2 years ago.  My cousin said that 2 months ago it spread to his bladder and from there it all went down hill fast.

My heart aches for her, I know what it is to lose your dad and to lose your loved one to cancer.  My heart aches for my Aunt who lost her best friend, her husband, her high school sweetheart.  My heart aches that I can't be there with them, to lend them my shoulder to cry on.  To hold them close and tell them it will be okay, someday.  My heart aches that I can't be there to say good-bye to him.

I don't know how to say good-bye.  I don't know how to honor him on my own as a solitary.  I don't know rituals or spells.  I don't know what to do.  All this just leaves me feeling so helpless.

Please send love and strength to my cousin, her brother and my aunt (their mother) as they go through this difficult time.

Spring Is Here!

Bet you weren't expecting two posts in one day from me now where you?  *grins*

It's Spring!  The apricot tree is blossoming like crazy and is covered in honey bees.  The seeds are sprouting, the farmers are planting, and my allergies are in full swing.  Yep Spring is here finally.  Hello warm days and cool nights.  Hello to soon being able to sleep with the window open and fall asleep to the sounds of the night animals.

There's something about Spring that makes one want to start anew.  At first I looked at all the things I wanted to do, to start, to accomplish at the beginning of the year and was getting down on myself for not having done much if any thing.  But then I told myself to knock it off, and I can start my year anytime I damn well please!  January 1st is just a day on the calendar, it doesn't have to be when I start a new year.  I can be fiscal if I want to damn it!

That being said, I'm excited that 21 Secrets has started...and O.M.G.!!!  I won a spot!!  This will be my first time taking classes in 21 Secrets with so many fabulous artists and teachers.

Also today starts CampNaNoWriMo.  It's like NaNo but not.  This time around you can set your own word count goal.  I've seen some set at 25k, others at 50k.  I set mine at 30k simply because it's easy to calculate that I would need 1,000 words a day to win.  We're 14 hours in and I've not started one word outside of these two blog posts.  But that's okay.  I'm not fretting yet.  I'm being a panster, I have no idea what I'm going to write.  I see a lot of people are doing fan fiction, screenplays, short stories, etc.   I kind of think mine is somewhere between a fan fiction and original work.  My setting I think might be the Ruins of Lordaeron.  But, in my mind it's expanded somewhat from what one might know of it.

So here's to starting anew. 

2013 Hasn't Had A Great Start

Honestly, in a lot of ways it's been down right awful!!!  Which is part of the reason I've been so quiet.

A family friend lost her 6 month old granddaughter to SIDS at the end of January.  We had to put down our Saint Bernard after she fell and broke her leg due to bone cancer.  We had to put down our 16 year old cat Batman due to gastro-intestinal cancer.  Those two happened like a month apart!  We found out that at least 2 of our cats have feline leukemia, and that there is a possibility that our 4 youngest can get it. 

Sister #3's fiancee's brother died from a sinus infection that migrated to the brain at the age of 38.  A couple of weeks later the fiancee's uncle was in a 4 wheeling accident and just last week his cousin was burning ditches and got burned ( I don't know how badly, except that he was life flighted).  Sister #2's boyfriend's family has also had a couple of things happen to them as well. 

Dad's truck keeps breaking down, even right after it has been in the shop and they won't give him a new one for some reason.  This makes for lost loads and time sitting and waiting. 

And most recently, my dear friend Sage lost her Dad to cancer.  My heart aches for her.

So the first three months have kind of sucked royally!!   And 2013 I've had quite enough of all this suckage.  You really need to turn your shit around!  OKAY!   No, I mean seriously...enough loss and catastrophe already!  It's time for good things to start happening!  I mean it 2013...NO...MORE...SUCKING!!!

RIP: Mia, Lilly, Batman, S.N., and Mr. B.

Wishcast Wednesday-Clear

I needed a day to think about this one.  Though it should have been apparent to me from the moment I read this week's wishcast.  Jamie asks "What do you wish to clear?"

I wish to clear my mind and myself of the negative.  Clear myself of the "I can'ts", the "I'm not good enough or it's not good enough".  To clear myself and my mind of the thoughts that hold me back from allowing me to be creative, to be myself, that keep me from painting or writing.  To clear myself of blaming myself things that I did wrong or for things that I didn't do but were made to feel I did.  To stop the "if I coulda/woulda/shoulda" mentality.

I can DO THIS! 

Taking the Creed

Sheri over at Writer's Alley posted this on her blog this week.  It's perfect!  So I'm going to take the creed, make the oath: to believe in myself and write! 

I may not write everyday, but the ideas are floating around my head.  But I shall giving writing a real go this year.  Even if it means pulling my hair out or throwing my keyboard LOL.

First WishCast Wednesday of 2013!

Welcome 2013!  And today is the first Wishcast Wednesday of the year.  Today Jamie asks: "What do you wish for 2013?"

Most of all, I wish not for myself but for my Beloved's family to have financial abundance, good health, safe travels for Dad (he's a trucker).

I wish for us (my Beloved and me) to continue to grow in our relationship, that our love grow deeper and stronger with each passing day.  I wish for him to have much success with his work.

For myself, I wish to eat better and exercise (yoga, I need low impact ideas).
I wish to be more creative in everything.  I wish to step out of the box, out of my comfort zone.

I wish for 2013 (I keep trying to type 2014, lol) to be the best year ever, not just for myself but you and you and you and you and everyone!

What's your wish for 2013?  And as you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

Farewell 2012, HELLO 2013!

Another year is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin.  Where has the time flown? 
While I didn't accomplish as much as I would have liked nor have I met all the goals I had set for the year, all in all it was still a good year.

The month between Thanksgiving and Christmas hit me especially hard this year.  Thanksgiving was 6 years since my Grandma passed and Christmas Eve was 18 years since I lost my Daddy.  I was trying so hard to remember his voice this year, to remember good times with him.  I wish they were both still here to see how the girls have grown into to the lovelies that they are.  After looking at some pictures of me and my Dad from when I was little I began to feel better.

We had a really great Christmas.  A FULL HOUSE!  15 people in all.  It was a really pleasant day.  My Beloved's Dad made it home for Christmas, which made Mom very happy.  For a brief moment, it looked like he might not have made it.  Then we ended up with a white Christmas!  Got about 3 inches of fluffy goodness!!!  It's awesome to wake up and still see it looking so pretty and snow covered out there.

So my Word for the Year...  I've thought about this for much of December.  And for good bit of it, it seemed like "SHINE" was going to be my word.  Then I worked with my oracle deck and the clarity card came up.  So I thought...OKAY!  Then a couple of days ago, "DARE" snuck in and all I keep thinking is: DARE to shine, DARE to dream, DARE to soar, DARE to step out of my comfort zone, and so on and so on.  So as of right now, I think DARE is my word for 2013. 

I saw some one say that they pick a theme song for the year too, and a color.  Almost immediately the song "Titanium" popped into my head.  As to color...my mind went to Red.  I don't typically like Red.  I don't use it much, but it's the first color that keeps popping in to my head.

Things I'm going to try and do this year:  Project Life 365 or something similar, create at least one new piece of art a week, write at least 500 words daily.  I want to start my art journaling again, daily if possible.  And of course read more books! 

I wish all of you a Happy 2013!  May it be a year filled with health, love, peace, joy, prosperity, magic, and lots of artsy goodness!  Stay safe my lovelies!  See you next year :D