Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Day 21 Already!

We are already twenty one days into National Novel Writing Month. I have actually written every day! Most days it was on the fiction project every day, some days it all I could manage was the blog, sometimes both, and sometimes it was an either or on the fiction or fan fiction. On a couple of rare moments, it was even both of those. But still with all of that, I am about eight hundred words behind total goal. If I write about seventeen hundred words per day from now until the thirtieth I should finish with fifty thousand.

Tomorrow will be spent prepping dishes and baking pies for Thursday. Not all will be made by me, so I should be able to fit some writing in tomorrow. Today was shopping for ingredients. But it has been rainy and cloudy, so it is making me feel extra tired and foggy. I know I should not make excuses, but if I can't form words how can I write? Writing blah blah blah will not suffice, ya know what I mean.

I am actually both, looking forward to and dreading Thursday. I am anticipating all the great food we will be eating, but I also know how sad I will be that day. It will take all I have in me to get through it. I have considered giving myself the day off from writing. But at the same time, I do not want to do that because I have successfully written every day so far. Looks great on my graph on the NaNo website.

Even tonight, I though I will just go to bed. But then I thought better of it. Because again, I have written every single day. Whether I have written a lot or a little, I have still written. So even if I can't written fiction or fan fiction today, I can at least write a blog post. And so that is what I have done. But now I am even more tired, so I guess this is good night.

Good Night World :)

Saturday, November 18, 2017

When Anxiety Strikes

I knew it was coming, the signs were there. I just did not make a connection right off. It started with my stomach being all weird. I thought it was something I ate at first. I did the check list of "did I have too much spicy food? too much greasy food? too much tomato based foods?" Nope, nope, and nope. But even the mildest foods made it buggy. So lots of Sprite, Ginger Ale, soup, and Rice with veggies was in order. Crackers and ranch dip seemed okay too. Sounds delish, right? Well, for those handful of days it was.

Then Tuesday I got hit with the feeling of a baby elephant sitting on my chest. My sternum hurt and deep breaths were not to be had. I started thinking and knew it was anxiety flare up. All the "ME TOO" stuff triggered me. Stuff I had buried and forgotten got churned up. Things I had not given much credence to back then I started to see in a new light. Even though I know I am in a safe place, I have been triggered and the first signs of anxiety attacks are rearing their ugly heads.

It is not fun. Every time I think it is finally waning, it flares back up again. I am trying my damnedest to keep it under control. There is not a whole lot I can really do to keep it at bay. If it wants to hit, it will hit. But I am paying attention and trying things with self care to see what might work.

It has effected my writing. I am about two thousand words behind target. When the pain and breathing difficulty started on Tuesday, that is when the word count took a hit. I have been out of focus, but trying to get back on track.

Until I looked at the calendar tonight and realized what date Thanksgiving was this year. Felt like the wind got taken out of my sails a bit. Thursday will be exactly eleven years to the day that my Grandma died. I mean Thanksgiving has been a rough day ever since she passed on it, but this is the exact date. Sometimes it is hard to believe she is gone eleven years already. Other times it feels like an eternity.

Thursday will be even more of a sad day around here with it being the first Thanksgiving that his Gramma won't be with us. She passed away last month, fifteen days after her 97th birthday. Holidays will not be the same without her here. Even with dementia she was still a little snarky spit fire of a lady.

Hospice grief support letter says you do not have to do things if you do not want to. If it is too much to do a holiday event, then do not do it. Or start a new tradition. In my opinion, you do not have to do normal. Do what is comfortable. Do what you are able.

When my Grandma died, I wanted to stop everything. I did not want to do Thanksgiving. But I had to. One, she made me promise to do it no matter what and Two, dinner was cooking in the oven. I did not want to do Christmas. But the girls were at the age where it was important for them. So we did Christmas. I did not send out cards to friends and family like I normally would have. It took all I had in me just do a family Christmas. The following year though, when I resumed sending cards. Many did not reciprocate. And the year after that, it was the same or worse with people not reciprocating. It felt like a slap in the face because I was grieving and could not bring myself to do "the normal". I make no apologizes! None at all! I did all I could handle without losing my shit that year.

It does not really get easier. You just learn to cope, adjust. Some times I ask myself why I even try to do National Novel Writing Month knowing full well what I will face emotionally that third week. I do not have a solid answer. But I have decided to stop using it as a reason not to write. She would not want me to give up or stop just because she died. And I do not think for one moment that if Granny knew I wanted to write a story that she would let me just fall into that dark space. She would probably tell me to put on my big girl panties, dry my eyes, and get to work.

These two women were less than a month apart in age. There was times I could have seen my Grandma and Granny being good friends if they had the opportunity to meet.

I know this week is going to be rough and I am already triggered and dealing with an anxiety flare up. But I have can't let it win. So I will blog, I will practice self care as best I can, I will talk if I need to. I will cry if I need to. And I will write! Write, write, write!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Still Writing

We are now half way through NaNoWriMo as of yesterday. IF you are going for the 50,000 you should have hit a word count of 25,000 by yesterday. I fell about 1500 words short of goal. The last  couple of days have been difficult to write. My main story I have been working on hit a wall because as of this moment, I still do not know where it is going! So I switched it up a bit and started working on something that has been in the back of my mind for awhile now.

As you may or may not know, I play World of Warcraft. I started playing almost eleven years ago. The ability to play a Night Elf with white/silver hair and to be a druid who could study herbalism and alchemy appealed to the writer in me. I thought I could create the game character to inspire me to help my writing. I never expected to fall in love with the game, nor to meet some really good friends. I had never played an MMORPG before so I was very clueless on things.

A few years ago, I got the idea that I would like to write a story about a trio of us that became in game friends. We would quest and dungeon together everyday. Then one of them quit and losing them hit us both pretty hard and unexpectedly so. My idea was that he would get lost during a battle and we did not know what his whereabouts were. I still have some notes about that idea, but I never really ran with it. I still might though.

Then I got an idea a couple of years ago to maybe write a back story on my character. Like where she was born, how she became a druid, an alchemist, and an herbalist. I wanted to kind of write a story about her life leading up to where she is now, sort of. So that is what I started doing. Creating a story of my character's life. I thought it would be easy but I was wrong. It is not as easy as I thought it might be.

So for all that, being a Rebel and blogging as well as writing fiction (and a sort of fan-fiction) as of this moment, I am about 3200 words behind. I feel like I am losing steam, fizzling out. I do not know what to do about it! I can't force it, can't pull words out of thin air, sadly. So at this point I do not know what to do. The word count I do have is more than I have written in a year, so that is something positive. I will most likely do the only thing I can do and that is keep going. I refuse to give up!

Monday, November 6, 2017

Do You Ever?

Do you ever feel so silenced you think you are invisible?
Do you ever feel like any thing and every thing you say goes unheard?
Do you ever feel like everything you do goes unnoticed?

Unless of course it is something bad or contradictory and then EVERY ONE notices and hears it.

Do you ever feel like when you try to help, you only end up make things worse?
Do you ever feel like when you try to give advice on something you could write
a book about because "you've been there, done that" and people act like you don't know
jack shit about it?
Do you ever just feel helpless and useless and like what's the fucking point of trying if you
don't even matter?

Do you ever? Do you ever? DO YOU EVER?

I get so tired of trying to be seen and heard and acknowledge. I get so tired of being
silenced and invisible. I get so tired of being dismissed like I am stupid and I don't
know anything.

Maybe it's something.
Maybe it's nothing.
Maybe it's just past shit playing head games with me.

But there are times where I wonder if I just disappeared would anyone even notice I was gone.

You know, just pack a bag and go be a hermit in the woods kind of thing.

Old wounds fuck with you no matter how far passed them you think you have gotten.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

It's That Time Of Year

It is that crazy time of year where people around the world participate in NaNoWriMo.  The event were new and seasoned authors write (or in some cases try to write) 50,000 words in 30 days. I am on year number thirteen! I have only one win.  The rules are a little more flexible than they were when I found out about it in 2005.  Which is pretty nice.  No more penalty for being a rebel if that is what you choose.

November has become a nemesis month of sorts for me. Losing my Grandma in the middle of my second attempt did that for me. So every year, it rears up its ugly head to haunt me.  Only once in thirteen years did I kick the nemesis in the ass with a win at almost 60,000 words.

Then this year, we lost my Beloved's grandma a couple of weeks ago. She had just had her 97th birthday earlier in the month and seemed to be doing so well.  It all happened so quickly, just like with my Grandma.  She was fine on her birthday and then a couple of weeks later she was gone.

I'm trying not to let death and grief win.  I want to figure out how to in some way use them to motivate me. Like I know I had my Grandma's support in my writing dream. And I'm sure Gramma would have supported me too if I had shared it with her.  I like to think she would have anyway.  She seemed to be that kind of lady.

I am not much of a plotter or planner when it comes to my writing. Most of the time I have barely a fragment of an idea.  This time I have the barest of bare details of a character. A setting I have had in my mind from a previous idea keeps coming to mind and my character seems to like it. I'm trying to figure out how to bring it to life in this story.

I can do this!  I know I can!  Even if I never publish, I know I can write a book regardless of if it's fantastic, utter rubbish, or some where in between.

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Blessed Samhain

Happy Halloween
Blessed Samhain

Wishing you all a day and night filled with ghoulish delights.

It is the last day of October, two months left to the year.  
Tomorrow starts NaNoWriMo, still don't have a story per say. But I do have at least 
a character, which is more than I had a week ago.  I had planned to try and do
some prep this month, maybe get some things even plotted out. When will I 
learn that my brain doesn't really work that way! I thought to put together a 
Writer's Journal. Something I could refer back to with thought, references, do's and
don'ts, etc. But one of the cats decided it was a great idea to puke a hairball on the notebook
I was considering.

We are still trying to adjust to the new normal around here.  We are all trying to figure
out what we do next.  It's given us pause to think about things.  The "what ifs".

I celebrated my 48th a couple of days ago.  It was low key, with steak for dinner
and chocolate cake for dessert.  Dinner was home cooked and was delicious. We tried 
a Rachel Ray recipe, definitely would make it again.

Well they say this is the Witch's New Year, so I will wish you a Happy New Year too!
Stay safe out there.  Hug your loved ones.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Back In The Blogging Saddle

I've missed blogging! Really, I have! I'd go to bed feeling like I forgot to do something.
But really, I didn't forgot. I've just taken the last few days to try to adjust
to the new normal around here. It's weird you know.  I've been,we've
been so used to him going out and taking care
of Gramma daily that it's strange he doesn't do that now.  Her poor little Doxy is so
confused. The little guy was with her when she passed and saw them come to take her
away.  He doesn't understand yet why he can't go back to his house and where his
mommy has gone. But all in all though, he is doing better than I thought he would.
It probably helps that we have four other dogs!

Now I'm just trying to figure out where things go from here. To keep blogging on both.
To only stick with Word Press.  I do love how easy Blogger is though. Way easier in
some cases than Word Press is. But I've been on here so long, to give it up seems wrong
in so many ways. Yet at times it feels like a ghost town.  With so many of the once active
blogs silent, others moved to different domains.  I miss the interaction that once seemed
so lively here.

I have a lot to think about on that aspect, I guess. Especially since I can't change the web
address here at all.  I think I've gotten to the point that I'd like it to match my blog title.
Just some things to ponder. Along with what the hell am I writing for NaNoWriMo this
year? A week away and I have no clue! That isn't all that unusual for me, not really. But I
do at this point tend to have some character ideas, maybe even setting.  This time though, I don't
and that's a little unnerving.  I think I might sit down this week at some point and go over
unfinished/untouched stories and ideas.  See which ones strike a cord with me. I wouldn't
mind a fresh idea either. Decisions decisions. I'll let you know what I decide on.