Monday, January 15, 2018

The Cranberries - Linger RIP Dolores O'Riordan

I used to love this song back then.

The lead singer passed away at the age of 46.  That's only a two years younger than me.

I can't help but get tears in my eyes listening to it now.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

When the Rain Comes

I was watching the recent episode of Criminal Minds tonight. This was the closing song.

It's hauntingly beautiful. I thought I would share it.

Monday, January 1, 2018

And Happy New Year!

We made it!  Hello 2018!

I have been trying to decide what to do with this blog.
Keep it going?
Retire it?
I just don't know.
To let it go, would be hard.  So I can't do that. I won't, nope.
I guess for now, I will just try to post as regularly as I can.

I got to welcome in the New Year with a pain flare that started on the 30th.
Yesterday was just painful, physically.
Today was a little better for awhile, but the pain is flaring up again.
Ibuprofen and Tylenol don't even touch it, so I don't bother.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Did you see the Super Moon?
Oh my She was glorious!
Quite cold out there, though
But I braved it just to snap a few photos.
Cold didn't help the pain, I can tell ya that.
But I had to see Her rising.

I did manage to create today.
That's a good start.
I wanted to write, but I can't decide on what I want to write about.
So other than blogging, no other writing was done.
I wanted to make art, again couldn't decide what to do, where to start.
I did put a coat of paint on the top of what will be my Wish Box, that was
a Yule gift from my cousin.  I'm still not quite sure how I want to decorate it.
But I figured I could at least get started on painting it.

I wanted to go out and take some pictures today.
But again, the cold. Brrrrrrrrrr!
And of course being in pain + cold = hell no.
I hate that the pain is keeping me from doing shit.
I hate that I can't handle the cold like I used to.

But I did finally master the Granny Square!
I learned to crochet when I was 11. My aunt taught me.
I learned the chain, single crochet, and double crochet.
Maybe even the triple? I can't remember though. So basic
stitches learned. Tried to move on to making a Granny Square.
If I knew that, then I could make things.  Well, I couldn't. Every
time I tried, my square turned into a ball. My cat ended up with lots of toys.

I was rather excited to have learned to crochet, so as soon as I was home from
visiting with my aunt over the summer I couldn't wait to tell the little old neighbor
lady.  She crocheted too.  I showed her what I learned to do. And told
her how I couldn't make the darn Granny Square.  She too, tried to teach it to me.
And again and again and again....I failed at it.
After awhile, I gave up. I would come back to it every now and then. Try and fail.
Try and fail.  Give it up, try and fail. Rinse, repeat.

Now here we are....37 years later. And there is a year long challenge/project that started
today. Make one Granny Square a day.  Oh Geez!  My Nemesis!  Granny, I thought,
you're going down!  So I Goggled Granny Squares for Beginners.  Lots of hits, some were definitely not for beginners. Not that I am a beginner at crochet, but the Square was another story.
I finally came across I pattern I thought I could manage.
Yarn - check   Hook - check  Determination - check.  Okay good to go.
Make my foundation chain, join at the slip knot. So far so good. Start the double crochets into
the circle. Okay not bad. First round is done. Hey look a little square! YAY me!
Read the next steps...and second round done, but wait something's wrong.
Go on to the third round because I can't figure out if I messed up and.......Now my square is a bowl.
WTF!  Reread directions, I think I did it all right. But I still have a bowl.

Okay, try again.  Unravel it all, redo the chain, join it. Redo the first round. So far so good.
Second round, and.........we have the beginnings of a bowl. Damn it! For the life of me,
I cannot figure out where the mistake is. I swear I am following the directions properly. But
still, I am messing up somewhere.  I post a picture to a FB group I am in that is working on this
challenge. But they aren't quite sure where my mistake is either. So they pointed me to a couple
of YouTube channels to check out. And then I think I noticed where I was messing up after watching
one of the videos.

So I unraveled down to the first round and then started round two following the video. On to
round three and lo and behold....after 37 years I finally made a Granny Square. A little sloppy,
but I made one all the same.  After I made it, I went back to the directions of the one I was reading and realized she wasn't quite clear on making the corners on the second round. So if you are reading and doing it as you go, you will make the mistake. It's not clarified until the very very end of
her post.  At least she got me started off. And some lovely UK vloggers got me finished on my
first ever Granny Square.

I have since made a second one following the other beginner pattern. Which I think in
some ways is just a little easier, if I can keep the counts going in my head. So now I have 2
completed squares and I am beyond happy to finally learn how.  I don't see myself
making fancy ones anytime soon.  I will be happy enough to do the basic ones.

Hope all of you have had a great start to the new year.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Last Post of 2017

Well folks........we made it through another year.  Hard to believe that in a few short hours it will be a whole new year.  Here's to hoping that things are a hell of a lot better for everyone. I know lots of folks just had a rough year and can't wait for it to be over.

I've been looking at some of the new year forecasts for Scorpio and they all look positive so far.  Many of them are saying it is my year! That it will be a lucky year.  Some are saying I will start off the year being introspective, which really seems appropriate since I have had that go inward feeling. Been thinking about a lot of things like why I feel the way I do about certain things and people, certain events. I've been wondering why I can't remember certain things that happened.  What I want for myself in the new year. What I want to accomplish. What I want to let go of. What I want to release me.

Since my last post, I have been going over in my head what my word of the year would be. I was open to the possibility of more than one word.  I was willing to settle on the word ENOUGH.  But just as I was coming to that decision, I started to feel like it was wrong.  Not that it isn't a good word or good choice, because it would be appropriate. It just felt like it was supposed to be another word.

The last day or so, the word SELF kept coming to me.  And that seems more like it.  I have struggled so much with Self-love, Self-care, Self-acceptance.  I feel like I need this year to be a Self-ish year, to make it all about me. What do I want? What makes me happy? What do I want more of? Less of? 

I don't want another year of wishing I had done this or that.  I am already going to miss out on many of the classes I want to take this year because I don't have the money to do them.  I wanted to do Book of Days and Moonshine with Effy Wild, I wanted to do LifeBook with Willowing.  I wanted to do Pull Pen Paint. And Wanderlust. And and and and so many others. And those are just the art classes I wanted to do! 

Well I can either spend my days crying over what I am missing out on or I can be productive. Utilize free classes and YouTube. I can work on Effy's Bootcamp and go through BOD 2017 which I had via a scholarship.  I can do 85k90 for writing as well as Camp NaNo, and of course NaNo in November. I can do the free challenges like 52 photos. Or a year of granny squares. I'm trying to find the positive instead of focusing on what I think I am missing out on.  I want 2018 to be a year of doing, seeing, learning, growing, loving.  I want it to be an action year!  I don't want to be posting here a year from now and saying all the shit I didn't do (again).

As of this moment, in my corner of the woods, we are 7 hours and 55 minutes from the new year.  That is 12 new chapters, 365 new pages in this story of life. Let's make them good ones!

Happy New Year!!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Searching For My Word

We are 12 days from Christmas and 19 (?) days from the start of the New Year.

About this time of year, I start to ponder a word to bring me into the New Year. Something to focus on, strive for, bring to life throughout the year. I discovered this idea back in 2010, I think it was. It was that year that I picked a word for 2011. My word then was FREEDOM. And Oh My! I lived my word that year.

Since then, I have chosen a word every December. Not all of them had the same impact as that first one.  Last year, I chose DREAM. And while I did do quite a bit of dreaming, not much was brought to life.

As we day by day, draw 2017 to a close I am searching for my word for 2018. I have a list I have been putting together, possible words. I found several new to me words, a couple have potential to be a the top of the list.

  • NOVATURIENT: (adjective) Desiring or seeking powerful change in one's life, behavior, or situation. (note: I have done a bit of research on this word and a few sites claim it is not a "real" word. So finding a synonym for it is impossible.)
  • AUTOTELIC: A person who is motivated by the deeper inner rewards of creativity, immersion, and "flow".
  • QUERENCIA: A place where one feels safe, a place from which one's strength of character is drawn. The place where you are your most authentic self.
  • METANOIA: The journey to changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.
They all have some poetic-ness to them, but I also want something that is always in the back of mind within reach. Because these words are so unique, I am afraid I will easily forget it on a daily basis.

Then there is the list of "normal" word choices:

I know that there really isn't a hard fast rule that says I can't have more than one word. Like let's say I choose NAVIGATE and ANCHOR, for example. So more than one is always an option like when I chose Creative Alchemy a while back.

But the last few weeks I have been feeling the need to draw INWARD. Now, I don't know if it is a temporary thing or something I need to do for the year. But another word is coming up to that isn't on the list yet, and that word is ENOUGH. All this year, the last several years, and if I am honest most of my life I have struggled with feeling like I am enough. That feeling of not being, of lacking, of being less reared it's head again a few days ago.

Part of me is beginning to think that I need to tackle that head on.  To work on self love, self care, self acceptance. To stop worrying if I am not ENOUGH or if I am TOO MUCH for some people. I feel like I need to come to some terms with  what does being ENOUGH feel like. I am ENOUGH for me?

I will sit with my list for as long as I need, adding or subtracting possible words. Seeing which one or ones fit for 2018. Hopefully I will find it before the new year begins.

How about you? Have you picked your word(s) yet? I would love to hear your choices if you have or your nominees if you are still deciding.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

Moons and Retrogrades

I was writing a post last night about how I wanted to spend the next couple of days thinking about what i want to try and accomplish in the new year. Thinking about what I did succeed at this year, where and what I could do better with. Then I started thinking, well maybe it is too soon ya know. It is only the beginning of December after all. I know the days fly by and then the Solstice, Christmas, and New Year's will be upon us before we know it.

I had seen posts about it, but it just wasn't registering in my brain. Mercury Retrograde! It started today.  Crap, that's the initial go to thought, am I right? But then I saw an image shared by C. Ara Campbell of The Goddess Circle. And like holy crap! I had to read it twice. Most of it was almost exactly what I was thinking last night!

This is the time of year I go inward. It usually starts right around or just after Halloween/Samhain for me. The last quarter, I start going into reflection mode. And this retrograde is ideal for INTROSPECTION. So really, (retrograde is from 3rd - 22nd) I'm in the right frame of mind right now.

Another thing I usually try to do, and not just during retrograde but it's a key for this one is to THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX and to also LOOK AT THINGS IN A NEW LIGHT.  I have trouble with out of the box thinking. My brain has a hard time functioning that way, it's a learning process for me. Usually by the time I do, it's too late to apply to the situation. Then I am trying to learn not to over think things. So.Freaking.Hard! I'm trying not to look at every road block as an obstacle, that not every brick wall is a bad thing.

Next is MAKE PLANS & WORK OUT THE DETAILS. So again, my thoughts of working on a plan for 2018 is actually right on target, timing is good for it. I am not making resolutions any more, because let's face it by January 2nd I'm usually saying fuckthatshit. But making a list of things I'd like to accomplish within the year seems different to me. I try to keep my list very doable. If I don't finish it all, it's okay. But it's no longer okay for me to want to do something and then waste the time I have and not do any of it.

Another site summoned up the retrograde period as a time to REFLECT, REVIEW, & CLARIFY. I'm on the reflecting and reviewing part, or I will be. That's the plan this week anyway.

That brings us to the Full Moon. Also known as the Cold Moon, Oak Moon, or Moon of the Long Nights.  Ara says the keys for this Full Moon, which is also a Super Moon are:

There is some cross over on the two lists, planning and reimaging. The hard ones are letting go of old shit and that last one. Oh boy! That is a BIG one! I'm still hiding in so many ways. I try to come of my shell, step out of the box. But I struggle to be seen, to be heard, to be taken seriously. No matter how hard I try I still always feel invisible and silent, or like I am just a big joke to everyone. Is it because I am such an introvert? Is it all those years of being raised by a narcissistic mother, then marrying one? Is it all that conditioning you go through? Maybe I can never escape it, the damage too far gone, too deep. Maybe I'm not supposed to be visible or heard. I don't know, but definitely something to think about this Full Moon. And perhaps even something I need to let go of.

Wishing you all Full Moon Blessings!

Thursday, November 30, 2017

YAY! I DID IT!!!!!!!!

So I finally did it!
I won another National Novel Writing Month.
I did it last night, just before eight o'clock.
I was a great feeling to validate over fifty thousand.
I was going to just chill out today.
But it is the final day and I kind of would like to see how
much more I can eek out.
Most (ALL) of it is a messy crappy pile 
of words.
If it turns into something, it will need
quite a bit of editing.
I will definitely need to print out what I do have
and then make copious notes of people, 
places, and things.
Tomorrow, I will just breathe.
Tomorrow, will just be blogging, most likely.
Here is to hoping that my next win is not in another four years!