Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Farewell 2014, Hello 2015 Happy New Year!!

I've thought about writing a blog post for weeks now, but always found an excuse not to.  Today I figured I would at least end the year with one.  I've not touched my blog since August, I've not read other blogs since September or so.  I fell into a rut of the "I dunnos and I don't cares"  I guess.

This year I turned 45.  By Christmas I was feeling pretty damn sorry for myself.  I'm still trying to pull myself out of that pity party.  You see, Thanksgiving time it was 8 years since my Granny passed away.  Christmas Eve marked 20 years since my Daddy died.  I got word from my girls that their dad's eldest brother passed away.  Then I learned that a man that I worked with many, many years ago and who had a bigger impact on my life than I ever realized, was the first person to ever think I had potential, had died after battling cancer back in September.   I got no cards or gifts from my daughters for my birthday or for Christmas.  Hell this year I didn't really even get a Merry Christmas Momma.  I feel like they chose "him" over me.  So all this loss and sadness, these feelings of being forgotten about just really got to me and I had a melt down a couple of days ago and cried my eyes out.  While the tears helped a little, it really doesn't change anything other than a release of emotions I've been holding in.

Looking back over this year, looking back to my word(s) for 2014.  I actually had to look it up because once again I forgot what I even chose.  I don't think I came anywhere near "emerging as my authentic self" as I had intended.  Sometimes I think I went back down the path of familiarity and stayed more the person other people want me to be.  I didn't come out of my shell more like I wanted to.  I didn't do a lot of things.  I didn't write, I didn't make art, I didn't stay consistent on my quest to be healthier.  So looking at all that I didn't do, combined with all the sadness of loss my pity party of melt down was inevitable.

Add into this mix, Sister #1, her man, and her 3 year old boy and 11 year girl who have been living with us since Thanksgiving.  It's not been easy.  Their parenting style leaves much to be desired, also leaves me thinking that one or both kids will need therapy when they grow up.  Her comments and innuendos toward me are trying my patience and as I told my Beloved's parents it is out of respect of them and the gift of a roof over my head, food in my belly that they offer me that I hold my tongue.  I've also told my Beloved's mom it is getting harder and harder to do.  Living with Sister #1 in many ways reminds of living with the Ogre and his wretch of a sister.  IMO Sister #1 is narcissistic.   She has many of the signs I've seen in my own mother and in the Ogre and in the Ogre's sister.  They're being here is taking it's toll on the three of us.  We keep hoping they find a place soon, but their efforts to find something have been minimal.  They are EXHAUSTING!! to say the least.

In the midst of all this, I started thinking about what I want my word for 2015 to be.  I do not want a word that will be easily forgotten to the point that this time next year I need to look it up.  I was reading a post by a Facebook friend about her year and her word, when a word popped into my head. I thought, nah that can't be it and kinda put it on the back burner.  Then over the next few days other little posts would pop up here and there all pointing to something similar and that damn word kept coming to mind.  Then the more I thought about the word, the more it made sense.

I've let so many things and so many people dictate my life and my being that I've lost my way over and over, many times.  I've lost myself, my dreams, my desires, my goals.  If I'm going to be honest, I'm tired of that shit.  I'm tired of being told who I should be and what I should want by society, by others.  I think I'm ready to say FUCK THAT SHIT!

So with that I present to you my word for 2015.........RECLAIM!

I Reclaim who I am
I Reclaim my dreams
I Reclaim my desires
I Reclaim my destiny
I Reclaim my life

I Reclaim my blog space too.  I hope to post more often rather months between posts.  I hope to get back to regularly reading your posts and commenting here and there to let you know that you are seen and heard.

I wish you  all well, I wish you love, good health, prosperity, happiness, peace today and always.  Have a Happy and Safe New Year!!!!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Goddess Fest 2014

Last weekend I went to my first ever Pagan festival in Boise called Goddess Fest.  This was their 20th year.  It wasn't very big, but big enough.  Lots of booths selling things like books, gem stones, jewelry, clothing.  A handful of tarot readers.

I walked a labyrinth for the first time in my life.  It was very peaceful, soothing, and meditative.  For completing it, I was giving a small stone with the labyrinth carved into it.

They had several tents set up with altars.  One to Lilith, one to Gaia, Kuan Yin, Hekate, and many more.  There were to different altars to Rhiannon.  Never did I feel more peaceful and called to a Goddess than when I stood or knelt before these.  Each altar had a little token from the Goddess to take as a reminder.  The largest tent had a great sculpture of Mother Earth and the Green Man (at least I think that's who it was).  In there was a box and note paper to jot down any prayers or blessings you might want to ask or need.  At the end of the festival they would be offered up to the Lord and Lady.

One tent I stopped by that was filled with all sorts of gems and stones.  I wanted so many it was hard to pick so in the end I didn't get any.  But just touching or running my hands through them I could feel the energies off them.  That's something I never experienced before.  It was kind of cool!

I really enjoyed it and hoped to go back again next year.

My Thoughts On The Dream

No comments on the previous post, wow.  I'm a bit surprised.  Such is life I suppose.

Anyway, my thoughts on the dream are that my grandma kept looking forward this to me is saying that I shouldn't look back.  Keep looking ahead, the past can't be changed.  Seems legit and sound to me.  Especially since I keep thinking about the things I left behind, will I ever get them back.  Do I just need to let these things go and if I do get them great, if I don't well I need to be okay with that.

The ocelot, I'm not totally sure what it is trying to tell me.  It seems they have a lot to do with spirituality.  They are connected to tree and water wisdom.  They are strong and sure spirit guides, have the ability to exist in two planes at once (physical and spiritual world).

Part of this dream felt like I was being held back in someway by "him".  That in "his" own way "he" (I'm referring to the Ogre here, the not soon enough to be ex) is not letting me move on with my life.  Even though we haven't spoken since I left, or been in contact since a few months after that.  At one point several months, maybe last year even my young one said "he" wanted a divorce and would file for it.  That has yet to happen.  I would file myself if I had the money to do so, even though it scares me what he would do to my stuff still left at the house out of retaliation.  Heck, he might have already done something with it all.  I don't know, I only know what I'm told by my girls.

The river says I need to take a more decisive role in my life.  Maybe it's telling me that if I want total control of my life, I need to find a way to file myself and what ever happens happens.

The waterfall is an indicator of letting go.  To release pent up, negative emotions and feelings.  The dam means repressed emotions and feelings that need to be released.  I see a pattern here, do you?

Sounds like I need to release things...emotions, feelings, material stuff.  I need to take my own actions to move on, to take control back.  Just leaving isn't enough, I need to make it official.  So that I can really get down to the business of rebuilding my life and creating the life I want.  Now I just need to look into how I can self file, find out how much it would cost, and then figure out how to come up with said money.

I had hopes of being able to claim the $255 death benefit from my mother.  I had hopes of using that for filing.  But I found out that they changed the rules years ago and a surviving adult child cannot claim it.  Kind of sucks.  So I'll just have to find another way to get money for it.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Vivid Dreams

Had quite the dream last night, this morning...whenever it was.  I wish I could recall more of it now than I do but I failed to write it down like I meant right after I woke up.  I did manage to journal what I did remember of it this afternoon and then started looking up meanings and trying to identify the animal from the dream.

The first part of the dream that I remember was being inside a house of sort standing and looking out a large plate window.  This window could not open and was just one solid piece of glass.  I think my Beloved was standing behind me on the left.  As I was looking out the window, my late Grandmother was sitting outside the window on something.  I knew it was her by her dress and hair, but she never spoke nor turned around.  I don't think she even moved the whole time.  From the right, a wild cat of some sort started to prowl and approach her.  I got scared and was trying to yell to her not to move, and hoped that the animal would just pass her by.

The wild cat, larger than a house cat by A LOT, but smaller than a tiger.  It had the coloring of a tiger but had elongated spots.  After much Googling and with help from a friend we narrowed it to most like being an Ocelot.  Or an Ocelot mixed with another breed.  But for the sake of simplicity, I went with the Ocelot.

In the dream the Ocelot came up to my late grandmother and opened its mouth around her entire face from scalp to chin.  It stayed like that briefly, then moved away from her face and came around to her left side where it licked her cheek.  All through this my grandmother never moved or spoke.

The next thing I remember is that I/we (my Beloved and I) were on a river bank.  It was quite wide but the river was very low.  So low I could see the rock bed and walk across it.  Which I seemed to do as I also watched myself from the river bank.  Part of me felt like I was trying to go on a trip to visit my aunt in Massachusetts, but I didn't know why since she has advanced dementia and doesn't recognize most of the family.  It also felt like I was trying to get my girls to either come with me or come to me.  The weirdest part though was feeling like the Ogre was some how hindering me or hindering things or both.  I don't think he was actually in the dream, it was more like just his presence.  I also don't recall if I actually saw my girls or it was just the thought of them.

From the river bank, I also recall seeing a dam with a waterfall.

I spent a better part of the early afternoon looking up the meanings of these key things the Ocelot, the River, the Dam, and the Waterfall.  I also spent that time trying to shake off the feeling that the Ogre is trying to keep me from moving forward with my life and hindering me.

I've not had any contact with him in almost three years.  The last I heard from my wee one many months ago was that he wanted nothing to do with me and told her that he wanted to divorce me.  But to this day, I've heard nothing more and can find no court filings under our names.

I have some thoughts about what some of the dream might have meant and ideas that my friend and I concluded.  I'll post those thoughts later this week after maybe some of you may have offered some insights.
I would welcome your thoughts on this.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Well, It' June Already And I've Nothing To Show For It

Boy time sure flies when you're busy doing nothing.  Half a year is almost gone and what's to show for it?  Not a whole hell of a lot, that's for shit sure.

I had planned to blog here a bit more often and well that hasn't happened since March. As my Beloved keeps saying...I seem to be in a rut.  Which he says is making me pissy and quite bitchy.  I haven't felt like I am but that doesn't me I'm not either.

My plans to paint the year away haven't lived up.  Same with writing.  I totally flopped and failed for April's Camp NaNoWriMo.  I don't even know what my biggest struggle is.  I can't seem to find the motivation.  I can't get into a daily practice.  I really struggle with it.  I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with developing a daily practice of art and writing.  I want to do them, but I feel held back.  Maybe it's those voices that tell me whatever I create will be shitty.  I dunno.  But it's annoying and it's getting old.

So today, being the first day of a new month am deciding more or less enough is enough.  But be warned I've said this before and feel right back quite easily into the non-creative rut.  As I was saying, I decided to take on a challenge called 100 Happy Days.  There is a website by that name if you want to sign up and take the challenge.  Which in itself is rather simple in its concept.  Take one photograph of something that makes you happy and post it online with the hashtag of 100 happy days.  Simple right?  Sounds easy enough.  But the challenge is going to be A) remembering to take said photo, B) remembering to post said photo.  The thing I dread is what if I don't have or find something to photograph.  I did take my first picture though and it's already posted.  Because well...Llamas!


I also signed up for a free challenge at The Sketchbook Project.  (Oh did I mention the above mentioned challenge is free too?  Well, it is!)  For this, I have one week, well until June 6th to find and photograph a face in an unusual place.  I tend to over think things...A LOT!  So I am finding this a real challenge.  If you want to participate, there are still spots available...you can sign up here: http://www.sketchbookproject.com/projects/challenge

And finally there is another Camp NaNoWriMo starting July 1st.  I've already signed up with a goal of 10,000 words.  That's approximately 323 words a day.  So we'll see where I get with this one.

To say that I have nothing to show for half a year isn't entirely true.  I have made a few journal pages.  And I've worked some on a big painting I have hang up, it's not done yet.  The face is giving me a grief.  I have a hard time with faces, and I'm trying to figure out what works for me.


Another thing, I want to delve into is to study Druidry.  I've found a couple of places where I can do so online for free.  I just don't know I'll start that. I wish I had some of the books about Druidry so I didn't have to be at the computer to study.  But I can't afford to buy them and I can't afford to buy a library card, besides I don't think they have said books anyway.

So there it is. I'm struggling, I've fallen into a rut, and I'm tired of it.  I just don't know how to get off this merry-go-round that isn't so merry.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Life, Loss, And Other Things

Time sure does fly!  Last week, on the 25th, my baby girl turned 18.  Just like that, in the blink of an eye, I was now the mom of two young women.  Not babies anymore, 18 and 21.  Where did the time go?

On Friday, Sister #3's boyfriend's brother was killed in a single car accident.  He fell asleep at the wheel and wasn't wearing a seat belt.  This poor family has endured so much in the last year.  They have suffered so many losses.  First last March the eldest brother died, earlier this year the 11 year nephew of the boyfriend lost his battle with cancer, and now this.  1 year and 20 days between the 2 brothers dying, and 27 days since the young boy was buried.  Please keep E and his family (mom, dad, and sister) in your thoughts as they all struggle to deal with so much tragedy. 

It seems the Universe thinks and wants me to really focus on my art.  I won a spot in this years 21 Secrets Live a few months back.  It has been a really fun learning experience which continues through June.  Then I won a spot in a 10 month program called Spectrum.  Yesterday I found out I won a spot in the Spring installment of 21 Secrets!  I am really excited about all of them. 

In about 6 hours or so, Camp NaNoWriMo starts.  I wasn't sure if I was going to do it.  But since I can set my own word count goal, I decided to go ahead and participate.  I set my goal at only 10,000 words or 333 words a day for the month of April.  It's small and doable.  It's something I can work in between other things. 

I just need to figure out my time.  I am being given these amazing classes by the Universe to participate in.  Story ideas still pop into my head.  And yet I let myself become so easily distracted by nonsense.  In the midst of all this, I've decided to try and shed a few pounds.  I'd like to weave a walk into all this to help with my plan.  So far, I haven't done it.  Maybe I should make April all about me month.  Focus on art, writing, eating healthier, and start walking.  Easy to say, harder to do.  Let's see what happens in the next 30 days.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Feelings, Anger Not Grief

Yesterday marked two weeks and I've yet to really shed a tear.  I can't!  I've tried...they just won't come.  It makes me feel like a terrible person, guilty even.  I just can't grieve for her.  The logical part of me says she lost that right to my grief when she chose to cut us out of her life.  What gets me is that no one knows why.  The truth of it is too, even if I had had the opportunity to ask I doubt I would have gotten the truth.

I'll tell you thought what I really am.  I AM PISSED!  I am so fucking angry at her.  Her and fucking gambling addiction.  Anything of value, she sold it.  Gone!  Lost forever! 

She had her mother's (who would have been 108 yesterday) mink stole.  It's gone!  She sold it.  She had a charm from her mother's charm bracelet.  It's gone too!  She sold it!  Thank the gods my aunt had the good sense to send me the other two when their older sister decided to divvy up the charms back to who gifted them.  Otherwise, she'd have sold those too. 

Back in my teens, I/we spent a lot of time at Shea Stadium.  In 1986, I got to go to a lot of the Mets home games.  I was there the night they clinched the pennant race.  OMG it was amazing and crazy.  Earlier in the season I got one of their foul balls and then started having the players sign it.  If memory serves me right, I had the entire team on  that ball.  If you know baseball, you know then that was the year the Mets won the World Series.  For some reason after I got married and moved out, I left the ball behind and in her possession.  I don't know if I forgot or just never got to go back and get it.  Well, she must have sold it too because it's now where to be found. 

She chose gambling over family, over friends.  In the end, she had burned so many bridges and hurt so many people that no one except her youngest sister spoke to her. 

I did my grieving years ago when she decided I wasn't worth having in her life anymore.  I was of no value to her.  Sometimes I often wonder if she tried to get rid of me the way family members say she "lost" what would have been my younger sibling.  Or if she would have given me away like she did my older half sister.  Too many people would have stepped in I think to stop her from doing that though, or at least my father's mother would have. 

She never let me forget growing up how I was an accident, that I wasn't supposed to be here.  That she and my dad weren't even sleeping in the same bed.  Which sometimes made me wonder if he was my biological father.  She would never let me forget how I "owed" her for raising me, feeding me, clothing me.  When I started working and making a decent income but still lived at home, even though I was about 17 she told me one day...You owe me now for all those years I put clothes on your back and food in you stomach.  I took care of you now you HAVE TO take care me.  Simply put that meant support her gambling habit. 

I don't know if I will ever shed a tear over her death.  In someways, it feels more like I lost my mother years ago instead of two weeks ago.  Or perhaps one day I will grieve for the mother I didn't have.  But if I think about that, I've probably done that too years ago. 

But this anger that I feel...I have to find away to let it go.  It's building and it's starting to affect me.  It's messing with my stomach and I don't like that.  I just don't know how to let it go.