Monday, July 17, 2017

Shifting

Things are shifting.  Can you feel it?  Maybe it is just me.  Maybe it was the power of this last full moon.  Lately, I have been feeling like I have lost perspective.  Lost sight of my dreams.  One day here, not to very long ago, just before the full moon I felt like I didn't even know what my dream or dreams were any more.  That...that right there scared me.

I think part of that is because I have been feeling guilty for even having dreams.  Another part is I feel guilty when I try to work on my dreams.  I mean I honest to goodness feel guilty if I try sit down and make some art or if I want to go outside and walk around taking some photos.  WTF is that?  I feel like if I am doing those things that make me happy, then I am not paying enough attention to other things.  It feels like 'how dare I do something I might actually enjoy'.

Then, I've been feeling stuck. Stuck like I can't move forward. Stuck like I can't take a step back to assess things. I think these two, the stuck-ness and losing sight of my visions and dreams, kind of go hand in hand.  Each one triggers the other.

And what about my Path?  I've lost my way on it, too.  I was trying to remember how long ago it was that the Goddess called me.  I remember discover the name Cerridwen and not knowing who she was but feeling like she was calling to me.  That had to be close to or just a bit over ten years ago.  I have had no idea how to follow her, honor her, or anything.  Not her or any of the Goddesses (or Gods).  All I know is the way I was taught in Catholic school many moons ago.  But much of that never felt right to me.  I don't know ritual outside of that.

A few days ago, I stepped outside and a Robin was up in the tree just carrying on to no end.  I saw nothing that would cause a disturbance, so I shrugged it off.  Walked around the front of the house, said Robin is still carrying on.  Then I hear this loud screech.  I look up and about two branches or so below the Robin is a huge Hawk!  It looked directly at me, screeched at me a couple of more times before it leaped off the branch, spread its wings, and flew across the small field below the house.  It had about five small birds chasing it, but then it just disappeared.  I should have been able to see where it went, but it was just gone.  (I didn't realize that until just now!)

So now, the last couple of days here Cerridwen is coming up for me again.  (And don't you know the hawk is one of her symbols!)  I apologized for basically ignoring her for all these years, especially since I feel she called me.  But I didn't feel ready.  I still don't FEEL ready.  But I asked her if she was still with me, did she still want me to follow her, if she did to please give me a sign.  The next morning I see a Hummingbird!  I took it as a sign from her even though the Hummingbird is a symbol of Rhiannon, who I also feel called to.  I've also been seeing a lot of Hawks the last day or two.  I saw at least 5 yesterday!

I don't know what, if anything, all of this means.  It might mean something, it might mean nothing.  All I know, is that we are more than half way through this year and I don't have much to show for it. I have asked Her for signs so that I know that it's not just my head making things up.  I still feel like writing, making art, and taking pictures is what I am supposed to do.  I still feel like studying herbalism, herbal healing, and Druidry is what I am supposed to do.  What I don't know is if these are things that I am actually SUPPOSED to do.  So I dabble with art and photography, I think about writing.  I wait for the signs.

What I do know is things are shifting.  It feels scary.  I don't know what direction things will take.  I know I am tired of feeling guilty about things that make me happy.  Things that might be my purpose in life.  I am afraid to be ready to step into what ever is waiting for me.  I am afraid that I will just go hide under the blanket and let it all pass me by.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy 2017! And My Word For The Year

Happy New Year folks!  It's a "One" year in numerology.  That means new beginnings.  That can be exciting or scary as all hell.  Either way, here we are.  Let's do the best we can with what we have and hopefully at the end of this 365 day cycle we will be better for it.

There are so many things I want to do this year.  Will I do them all, probably not.  I usually start out the first day or so, maybe the first week with the best of intentions.  But then I find excuses or shit just happens and I'm derailed.  For whatever reason or excuse, I never get back to my intention.  And really that makes me kind of sad, makes me feel like a failure or fake.

All I can do though is try my damnedest to give all the things my best effort.  I won't know until I try what endeavors I will like or hate.  One, well two, things I really want to give my all to this year is writing and making art.  I am taking a couple of free art journal classes, one is a year long.  And I'm on scholarship for another that is also a year long.  If I do no other art but those classes and complete them, I will be ecstatic!  Writing, if I can commit myself to write 250-500 a day I will be very happy. I know I can pull of 2k a day, I did it for a week before I fell off the wagon.  If I can do that much, great!  BUT, I'm not making it a do or die situation.  I was thinking I might set up a few things in Google Docs.  Where I can write and date it, and then I can see where I am at years end.  But I can pick and choose which I'll write in as the mood strikes.  There's also my new camera that I want and need to learn how to use properly.

My Word for the Year still comes to me as DREAM.  Followed by SEEK.  I want to dream my dreams and live them, breath life into them, make them reality.  I want to seek joy, seek knowledge, seek myself and who I really am.

So here's to the New Year, to Dreams, to Seeking.  To New Beginnings!

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Farewell 2016!

In many time zones, the calendar has already flipped, the clock stuck 12 and it's 2017.  Less than an hour to go in my neck of the woods at this particular moment and I am struggling to keep my eyes open.  When did that happen?

I have no desire to watch the ball drop, or the in our case the potato drop lol.  It's too damn cold to go anywhere and it's only going to get colder.  Our new year starts off with lows in the minuses by Tuesday!  Brrrr!  Once upon a time, I didn't mind the cold so much either.  These days it just makes me all hurty and tired.

My wish for all you is health, peace, love, prosperity, and happiness.  I wish all good things for you and yours in the new year.  Stay safe, have fun.

See you in 2017!
Happy New Year!!!!

Friday, December 30, 2016

Another Year Is Almost Over

It's hard to believe that here we sit on the eve of New Year's Eve.  Even harder still to believe is that my sweet little niece turns 1 year old today!  My little lump of maple sugar is One!  The year flew by and yet...it didn't!

So much has happened in the world in the last year.  So much loss of beloved icons, so many from my childhood.  Prince, David Bowie, George Michael, Florence Henderson, Carrie Fisher, just to name a few.  Then, major fandom losses such as Alan Rickman (probably best known as Professor Severus Snape) which hit me hard and Ron Glass who will forever be Shepherd Book from Firefly/Serenity to me.

Our country will soon be hanging in the delicate balance as leadership will be changing.  I don't see much how he will lead and not destroy us.  All I can do I suppose is hope for the best, prepare for the worst because I really don't know what else to do.

I sit here looking out the window, everything all covered in frost and snow.  We have a good foot or more on the ground, with more coming for sure.  We have a deep freeze coming next week where our temperatures will be in the minuses for lows, single digits for highs.  Really not looking forward to that at all.  I can't remember the last time I have been with so much snow and such cold temps.  But all we can do is make the best of it and hope we don't lose power at any time.

But for today, I will prepare to celebrate.  Celebrate life and celebrate the joy that only a baby can bring.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

My Winter Wonderland View


There is something about everything being covered in ice for the first time in a season that gives me a sense of awe.  I can't help but want to capture and preserve what I see to look back on the beauty that was made by Mother Nature.  I'm sure I'll have more chances to capture frozen beauty, we're in for some pretty frigid temps in the coming week.  By next weekend we're looking at a low of -4 on one day and a high of 8 on another. This is the coldest it has been this time of year since I have been here. It keeps me indoors because I am afraid of falling and reinjuring myself on the ice covered snow.  I fell at the beginning of the year and hurt my hip and butt cheek which was a lovely shade of purple and my tailbone. I really don't want a repeat of that.  It wasn't fun.  But it's not as fun to take pictures from inside either.  Maybe I will brave the outside world yet!






Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Dreams and Dreaming

I'm still struggling to find my place, my voice, my identity.  But I think that is going to go on for some time yet as I work shit out in my head and in my life.  So I'm just going to go with the flow and see where it leads me.

It's the time of year where I start looking back over the last year, what I've journaled, wanted, accomplished or didn't.  There's more in the what I didn't do column than that of what I've done.  I start thinking of my word of the year.  I had picked Acceptance for 2016, I didn't manifest it the way I thought I would.  But that's okay.

My word for 2017 has found me way earlier than I expected.  I would even say that it is probably my word for the last bit of this year too.  The word DREAM has been coming at me every time I turn around. In a quote, on a shirt, as a piece of art.  It's everywhere.  And honestly, I have been afraid to let myself dream.  I am always afraid it will turn into a nightmare.  So I will face my fears and allow myself to dream and see where they take me.

And dreaming....The last week I have been having some vivid dreams, but I only seem to remember key parts of them.  Not the whole of the dream, just bits and pieces.

Last week started with a dream of getting a tattoo on my right hand, both on top and on the palm. They were very vivid faces, reminded me a bit of Picasso faces.  I remember thinking that they didn't hurt a bit, that I had been afraid to get tattoos because I thought they would hurt immensely.

Then there was the dream where I felt that I was back home in Brooklyn, everything looked different but it felt like where I grew up.  I was near Newton Creek (a waterway which separates Greenpoint from Long Island City) when a pod of black dolphins came by.  They stopped briefly before continuing on. Followed by two whales, the Orca type, that swam side by side and kept trying to come on land.

This week the oddness continues with dreaming of a very bright red Cardinal.  I haven't seen one since I left the South.  I recall being very excited to see it come and perch on a tree branch.  Even trying to get Mom's attention to see it too.  But it would hide like only I was meant to see it.
A day or so later, I dreamt of being on a beach and walking along the shore.  It occurred to me that I could touch the water, walk in it even which I missed out on when I went to the Oregon coast a few months ago. My attempt to touch the water and walk in it failed, even though it was right there and could feel the warmth of it.  The water was just out of my reach and I couldn't touch it.

Yesterday I was dreaming that I woke up and looked out the window to find it was snowing with at least an inch or two covering the ground.  When I woke up, that is exactly what was happening!  I woke up to it snowing with close to two inches on the ground!!  I never had a dream that came true like that.

I really don't know what to make of them.  A FB friend gave me some insight on the tattoo and whales.  The tattoo insight made total sense to me, the whale one left me wondering and I haven't figured it out yet.

Hope you all had a delightful Thanksgiving.  Ours was delicious and surprisingly peaceful.  I'm trying to get into the Yule/Holiday spirit but I'm just not feeling it.

Wish you all a great rest of the week!  Until next time.............


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Feeling Lost

I've hemmed and hawed over whether I wanted to post.  Well, I wanted to post I just didn't know about what.

But today I have been feeling lost.  It happens every now and then, it passes.  It's that feeling of not belonging.  That feeling of not knowing who you are.

I've been daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girl friend, mother, wife, and so on.  I can't remember a time when I've just been me, without labels.  The individual with a voice that is heard, that could stand her own.

I feel silent.  I see people around me that I care about getting hurt.  Not physically, but their feelings and emotions.  I want to say things, to the people causing to pain but it feels like it would change nothing and would probably cause problems.  Most of these people I only know by name, not personally so they'd probably even think "Who the hell are you? And mind your own damn business!"

And then there's the whole name thing.  It makes me feel so trapped.  Trapped in a box I can't get out of.  I want my name to be my own.  I don't want to keep carrying the name of the Ex who isn't yet an Ex because papers, money, etc.  I don't want to use the name I'm using because it's borrowed to hide me online, since at one time they (the Ex's family wanted to for lack of a better word, stalk me).  I wanted to go back to my birth name for awhile, but now I'm unsure.  It's mine but it comes with SO -- MUCH -- Baggage! People that know me from back then, see that name or hear that name and instantly it's "Oh you're HER daughter." And well of course that means I'm supposed to be just like her.  But I'm NOT!  Damn it!

While I'm at it...the longing for a place I am not sure exists.  A place called Home, but the home of my heart that seems to only exists in my dreams.  A place of belonging, of comfort.  I mean yes I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat.  But it's different when you live in someone else's home, under someone else's roof.

But this is where I am in my head today.  Feeling lost, like I don't belong.  Like I don't deserve things. It will pass, it happens.  It always does.  Maybe it's the remnants of the full moon that plagued me with headaches.  Any way, this too shall pass.