Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy 2017! And My Word For The Year

Happy New Year folks!  It's a "One" year in numerology.  That means new beginnings.  That can be exciting or scary as all hell.  Either way, here we are.  Let's do the best we can with what we have and hopefully at the end of this 365 day cycle we will be better for it.

There are so many things I want to do this year.  Will I do them all, probably not.  I usually start out the first day or so, maybe the first week with the best of intentions.  But then I find excuses or shit just happens and I'm derailed.  For whatever reason or excuse, I never get back to my intention.  And really that makes me kind of sad, makes me feel like a failure or fake.

All I can do though is try my damnedest to give all the things my best effort.  I won't know until I try what endeavors I will like or hate.  One, well two, things I really want to give my all to this year is writing and making art.  I am taking a couple of free art journal classes, one is a year long.  And I'm on scholarship for another that is also a year long.  If I do no other art but those classes and complete them, I will be ecstatic!  Writing, if I can commit myself to write 250-500 a day I will be very happy. I know I can pull of 2k a day, I did it for a week before I fell off the wagon.  If I can do that much, great!  BUT, I'm not making it a do or die situation.  I was thinking I might set up a few things in Google Docs.  Where I can write and date it, and then I can see where I am at years end.  But I can pick and choose which I'll write in as the mood strikes.  There's also my new camera that I want and need to learn how to use properly.

My Word for the Year still comes to me as DREAM.  Followed by SEEK.  I want to dream my dreams and live them, breath life into them, make them reality.  I want to seek joy, seek knowledge, seek myself and who I really am.

So here's to the New Year, to Dreams, to Seeking.  To New Beginnings!

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Farewell 2016!

In many time zones, the calendar has already flipped, the clock stuck 12 and it's 2017.  Less than an hour to go in my neck of the woods at this particular moment and I am struggling to keep my eyes open.  When did that happen?

I have no desire to watch the ball drop, or the in our case the potato drop lol.  It's too damn cold to go anywhere and it's only going to get colder.  Our new year starts off with lows in the minuses by Tuesday!  Brrrr!  Once upon a time, I didn't mind the cold so much either.  These days it just makes me all hurty and tired.

My wish for all you is health, peace, love, prosperity, and happiness.  I wish all good things for you and yours in the new year.  Stay safe, have fun.

See you in 2017!
Happy New Year!!!!

Friday, December 30, 2016

Another Year Is Almost Over

It's hard to believe that here we sit on the eve of New Year's Eve.  Even harder still to believe is that my sweet little niece turns 1 year old today!  My little lump of maple sugar is One!  The year flew by and didn't!

So much has happened in the world in the last year.  So much loss of beloved icons, so many from my childhood.  Prince, David Bowie, George Michael, Florence Henderson, Carrie Fisher, just to name a few.  Then, major fandom losses such as Alan Rickman (probably best known as Professor Severus Snape) which hit me hard and Ron Glass who will forever be Shepherd Book from Firefly/Serenity to me.

Our country will soon be hanging in the delicate balance as leadership will be changing.  I don't see much how he will lead and not destroy us.  All I can do I suppose is hope for the best, prepare for the worst because I really don't know what else to do.

I sit here looking out the window, everything all covered in frost and snow.  We have a good foot or more on the ground, with more coming for sure.  We have a deep freeze coming next week where our temperatures will be in the minuses for lows, single digits for highs.  Really not looking forward to that at all.  I can't remember the last time I have been with so much snow and such cold temps.  But all we can do is make the best of it and hope we don't lose power at any time.

But for today, I will prepare to celebrate.  Celebrate life and celebrate the joy that only a baby can bring.

Sunday, December 11, 2016

My Winter Wonderland View

There is something about everything being covered in ice for the first time in a season that gives me a sense of awe.  I can't help but want to capture and preserve what I see to look back on the beauty that was made by Mother Nature.  I'm sure I'll have more chances to capture frozen beauty, we're in for some pretty frigid temps in the coming week.  By next weekend we're looking at a low of -4 on one day and a high of 8 on another. This is the coldest it has been this time of year since I have been here. It keeps me indoors because I am afraid of falling and reinjuring myself on the ice covered snow.  I fell at the beginning of the year and hurt my hip and butt cheek which was a lovely shade of purple and my tailbone. I really don't want a repeat of that.  It wasn't fun.  But it's not as fun to take pictures from inside either.  Maybe I will brave the outside world yet!

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Dreams and Dreaming

I'm still struggling to find my place, my voice, my identity.  But I think that is going to go on for some time yet as I work shit out in my head and in my life.  So I'm just going to go with the flow and see where it leads me.

It's the time of year where I start looking back over the last year, what I've journaled, wanted, accomplished or didn't.  There's more in the what I didn't do column than that of what I've done.  I start thinking of my word of the year.  I had picked Acceptance for 2016, I didn't manifest it the way I thought I would.  But that's okay.

My word for 2017 has found me way earlier than I expected.  I would even say that it is probably my word for the last bit of this year too.  The word DREAM has been coming at me every time I turn around. In a quote, on a shirt, as a piece of art.  It's everywhere.  And honestly, I have been afraid to let myself dream.  I am always afraid it will turn into a nightmare.  So I will face my fears and allow myself to dream and see where they take me.

And dreaming....The last week I have been having some vivid dreams, but I only seem to remember key parts of them.  Not the whole of the dream, just bits and pieces.

Last week started with a dream of getting a tattoo on my right hand, both on top and on the palm. They were very vivid faces, reminded me a bit of Picasso faces.  I remember thinking that they didn't hurt a bit, that I had been afraid to get tattoos because I thought they would hurt immensely.

Then there was the dream where I felt that I was back home in Brooklyn, everything looked different but it felt like where I grew up.  I was near Newton Creek (a waterway which separates Greenpoint from Long Island City) when a pod of black dolphins came by.  They stopped briefly before continuing on. Followed by two whales, the Orca type, that swam side by side and kept trying to come on land.

This week the oddness continues with dreaming of a very bright red Cardinal.  I haven't seen one since I left the South.  I recall being very excited to see it come and perch on a tree branch.  Even trying to get Mom's attention to see it too.  But it would hide like only I was meant to see it.
A day or so later, I dreamt of being on a beach and walking along the shore.  It occurred to me that I could touch the water, walk in it even which I missed out on when I went to the Oregon coast a few months ago. My attempt to touch the water and walk in it failed, even though it was right there and could feel the warmth of it.  The water was just out of my reach and I couldn't touch it.

Yesterday I was dreaming that I woke up and looked out the window to find it was snowing with at least an inch or two covering the ground.  When I woke up, that is exactly what was happening!  I woke up to it snowing with close to two inches on the ground!!  I never had a dream that came true like that.

I really don't know what to make of them.  A FB friend gave me some insight on the tattoo and whales.  The tattoo insight made total sense to me, the whale one left me wondering and I haven't figured it out yet.

Hope you all had a delightful Thanksgiving.  Ours was delicious and surprisingly peaceful.  I'm trying to get into the Yule/Holiday spirit but I'm just not feeling it.

Wish you all a great rest of the week!  Until next time.............

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Feeling Lost

I've hemmed and hawed over whether I wanted to post.  Well, I wanted to post I just didn't know about what.

But today I have been feeling lost.  It happens every now and then, it passes.  It's that feeling of not belonging.  That feeling of not knowing who you are.

I've been daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girl friend, mother, wife, and so on.  I can't remember a time when I've just been me, without labels.  The individual with a voice that is heard, that could stand her own.

I feel silent.  I see people around me that I care about getting hurt.  Not physically, but their feelings and emotions.  I want to say things, to the people causing to pain but it feels like it would change nothing and would probably cause problems.  Most of these people I only know by name, not personally so they'd probably even think "Who the hell are you? And mind your own damn business!"

And then there's the whole name thing.  It makes me feel so trapped.  Trapped in a box I can't get out of.  I want my name to be my own.  I don't want to keep carrying the name of the Ex who isn't yet an Ex because papers, money, etc.  I don't want to use the name I'm using because it's borrowed to hide me online, since at one time they (the Ex's family wanted to for lack of a better word, stalk me).  I wanted to go back to my birth name for awhile, but now I'm unsure.  It's mine but it comes with SO -- MUCH -- Baggage! People that know me from back then, see that name or hear that name and instantly it's "Oh you're HER daughter." And well of course that means I'm supposed to be just like her.  But I'm NOT!  Damn it!

While I'm at it...the longing for a place I am not sure exists.  A place called Home, but the home of my heart that seems to only exists in my dreams.  A place of belonging, of comfort.  I mean yes I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat.  But it's different when you live in someone else's home, under someone else's roof.

But this is where I am in my head today.  Feeling lost, like I don't belong.  Like I don't deserve things. It will pass, it happens.  It always does.  Maybe it's the remnants of the full moon that plagued me with headaches.  Any way, this too shall pass.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Perceptions and Thoughts

You know, I suck at coming up with titles for posts sometimes!  Especially since I know that this post will probably end up being random bunny trails of things.  But hey, that's just me.

Seven months since the last post.  Well so much for me blogging more often.  It was well intended, I swear it was.  But then, I think about blogging and I start to feel guilty.  Guilty for blogging, want to blog, the sound my keyboard makes when I type, for wanting write, for wanting my voice to be heard.  I start to think, just who the hell are you to think you should want to do this.  No one wants to hear what you have to say.  And a bunch of other negative shit.  *sigh* And so the cycle, the circle, the inner battle continues.

I even went to bed last night thinking "Yeah, tomorrow will be a new day.  New start.  I will stop hiding and stop being silent.  I will do this, that, the other thing, etc."  Then I woke up this morning, sat down with my coffee and it was "WTF do you think you're gonna do?  You can't do that.  You need to be quiet and just keep dreaming.  You can't follow dreams.  You can't talk about yourself, your life, your past.  You can't write, paint, art journal, (fill in the blank)."  So yep, new day - new battle.

I had thought that I would want to 'reveal' myself, use MY name on here instead of Ellie.  But, again that voice, that battle rose up.  You can't do that.  What if so and so finds this blog and reads it.  Do you really want people to know who you are, like for real.  I don't know why I'm so afraid. No, that's wrong.  I do know.  I'm afraid of what people would think if they knew who I was.  If people in my family or my past read this, I'm afraid of their judgement and opinions.

It's been five years since I left a narcissistic marriage.  We're still not divorced.  I don't have the money to file.  I don't know what his story is about why he hasn't filed.  We haven't spoken.  So I'm still in an identity crisis.  I use my married name for things because I have to.  (I also don't have $166 to file for at least a name change.  But if I did that, I might as well self file for divorce.  Not much of a price difference.)  I hide behind another name, my Beloved's family name on most social media because I want to avoid my ex's family.  I want to use my maiden name for art and writing, but legally I suppose I can't.  I don't know how that works.  I mean it's my name, but I can't use it if I wanted to get paid under it.  (Optimistically speaking here, if I sold something.  But that would require me to write or make art.)

I feel like the first step to finding myself and figuring shit out, is to take back my maiden name.  For a long time, (before I was married) I wanted nothing to do with my name.  I hated it.  I couldn't wait to change it.  Back then, my maiden name was synonymous with my mother.  Where I grew up, if I told you my full name and you knew my mother, it was "OH! You're HER daughter."  And suddenly, I was my mother's daughter and not in a good way.  It was assumed that because she was my mother, I was just like her. But, I'm older now and 20+ years wiser (I hope).  And I realized I am also my father's daughter.  No one ever said, "Oh, you're HIS daughter."  It's like they forgot I had a father.  But my father didn't make people dislike him.  He was more remembered as a nice guy, too bad he had a drinking problem.  Which of course was promptly blamed on my mother.  And to some extent, she problem was the cause.  But ultimately, the choice to drink was his.  I'm a product of their union, not the immaculate conception.  I cannot make people not see me as just her daughter, but that's not my problem.

So yep, still trying figure shit out.  Still trying to reclaim my life, my identity.  Still trying to find my Voice and my purpose.  One step, one day at a time and I will get there.