Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Feeling Lost

I've hemmed and hawed over whether I wanted to post.  Well, I wanted to post I just didn't know about what.

But today I have been feeling lost.  It happens every now and then, it passes.  It's that feeling of not belonging.  That feeling of not knowing who you are.

I've been daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, girl friend, mother, wife, and so on.  I can't remember a time when I've just been me, without labels.  The individual with a voice that is heard, that could stand her own.

I feel silent.  I see people around me that I care about getting hurt.  Not physically, but their feelings and emotions.  I want to say things, to the people causing to pain but it feels like it would change nothing and would probably cause problems.  Most of these people I only know by name, not personally so they'd probably even think "Who the hell are you? And mind your own damn business!"

And then there's the whole name thing.  It makes me feel so trapped.  Trapped in a box I can't get out of.  I want my name to be my own.  I don't want to keep carrying the name of the Ex who isn't yet an Ex because papers, money, etc.  I don't want to use the name I'm using because it's borrowed to hide me online, since at one time they (the Ex's family wanted to for lack of a better word, stalk me).  I wanted to go back to my birth name for awhile, but now I'm unsure.  It's mine but it comes with SO -- MUCH -- Baggage! People that know me from back then, see that name or hear that name and instantly it's "Oh you're HER daughter." And well of course that means I'm supposed to be just like her.  But I'm NOT!  Damn it!

While I'm at it...the longing for a place I am not sure exists.  A place called Home, but the home of my heart that seems to only exists in my dreams.  A place of belonging, of comfort.  I mean yes I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food to eat.  But it's different when you live in someone else's home, under someone else's roof.

But this is where I am in my head today.  Feeling lost, like I don't belong.  Like I don't deserve things. It will pass, it happens.  It always does.  Maybe it's the remnants of the full moon that plagued me with headaches.  Any way, this too shall pass.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Perceptions and Thoughts

You know, I suck at coming up with titles for posts sometimes!  Especially since I know that this post will probably end up being random bunny trails of things.  But hey, that's just me.

Seven months since the last post.  Well so much for me blogging more often.  It was well intended, I swear it was.  But then, I think about blogging and I start to feel guilty.  Guilty for blogging, want to blog, the sound my keyboard makes when I type, for wanting write, for wanting my voice to be heard.  I start to think, just who the hell are you to think you should want to do this.  No one wants to hear what you have to say.  And a bunch of other negative shit.  *sigh* And so the cycle, the circle, the inner battle continues.

I even went to bed last night thinking "Yeah, tomorrow will be a new day.  New start.  I will stop hiding and stop being silent.  I will do this, that, the other thing, etc."  Then I woke up this morning, sat down with my coffee and it was "WTF do you think you're gonna do?  You can't do that.  You need to be quiet and just keep dreaming.  You can't follow dreams.  You can't talk about yourself, your life, your past.  You can't write, paint, art journal, (fill in the blank)."  So yep, new day - new battle.

I had thought that I would want to 'reveal' myself, use MY name on here instead of Ellie.  But, again that voice, that battle rose up.  You can't do that.  What if so and so finds this blog and reads it.  Do you really want people to know who you are, like for real.  I don't know why I'm so afraid. No, that's wrong.  I do know.  I'm afraid of what people would think if they knew who I was.  If people in my family or my past read this, I'm afraid of their judgement and opinions.

It's been five years since I left a narcissistic marriage.  We're still not divorced.  I don't have the money to file.  I don't know what his story is about why he hasn't filed.  We haven't spoken.  So I'm still in an identity crisis.  I use my married name for things because I have to.  (I also don't have $166 to file for at least a name change.  But if I did that, I might as well self file for divorce.  Not much of a price difference.)  I hide behind another name, my Beloved's family name on most social media because I want to avoid my ex's family.  I want to use my maiden name for art and writing, but legally I suppose I can't.  I don't know how that works.  I mean it's my name, but I can't use it if I wanted to get paid under it.  (Optimistically speaking here, if I sold something.  But that would require me to write or make art.)

I feel like the first step to finding myself and figuring shit out, is to take back my maiden name.  For a long time, (before I was married) I wanted nothing to do with my name.  I hated it.  I couldn't wait to change it.  Back then, my maiden name was synonymous with my mother.  Where I grew up, if I told you my full name and you knew my mother, it was "OH! You're HER daughter."  And suddenly, I was my mother's daughter and not in a good way.  It was assumed that because she was my mother, I was just like her. But, I'm older now and 20+ years wiser (I hope).  And I realized I am also my father's daughter.  No one ever said, "Oh, you're HIS daughter."  It's like they forgot I had a father.  But my father didn't make people dislike him.  He was more remembered as a nice guy, too bad he had a drinking problem.  Which of course was promptly blamed on my mother.  And to some extent, she problem was the cause.  But ultimately, the choice to drink was his.  I'm a product of their union, not the immaculate conception.  I cannot make people not see me as just her daughter, but that's not my problem.

So yep, still trying figure shit out.  Still trying to reclaim my life, my identity.  Still trying to find my Voice and my purpose.  One step, one day at a time and I will get there.

Monday, January 11, 2016

I've Been Thinking

I seem to be doing A LOT of thinking lately.  I always seem to have thoughts of woulda, coulda, shoulda running through my head.  But it's the thoughts I night, when the house is all quiet and settling in to sleep.  The ones that keep me awake while the world around me falls into slumber.

I haven't been making art.  I haven't been writing.  I haven't been very creative in months (years).  I have a spurt here and there where I'll make a small thing or do an art journal page.  But it isn't any where near what I want to be doing.

In all my late night thinking, I started to realize that I was putting self imposed walls and barriers up for myself.  Usually starts with "I'm not good enough" or "Why bother, it'll be shit anyway."  Or go the other extreme and I see all these new and trendy art things going on, next I know I'm saying I want to do that and that and this and that.  I likened it to being at a buffet and going back to fill a plate sky high, yet I've not touched the plate I already have with ideas and projects I want to do or need to do.  Like paint the unfinished bookcase or repaint the dresser.  Pick a color for my room to be painted in.

It's probably a good thing I don't have any money, too, because I would be signing up for every workshop and online class that I could only dream of taking and then never get passed one lesson.  The other thing is I've got my craft stuff in like three different places.  So I need to organize a space, my space to where I can have the majority of it where I plan to be the most creative.  Duplicates of things like my oil pastels or small tubes of acrylic paints can be kept by my computer desk to play with whenever I might check out some Youtube art videos or a free video lesson on someone's website.

This brings me to finding my word of the year.  ACCEPTANCE!  Learning to accept me and love me as I am, flaws and scars...the shebang.  Accept that yes, my art might be shit right now, but that's okay.  I can't improve if I don't make anything and practice. Accept that I am enough, just as I am.  Accept that I may not belong, that I may not be a part of something and that it's okay.  Accept that I am still good enough even if I am not a part of said group or thing.  Their loss, not mine.

I will no longer push myself or impose myself to be a part of something or part of a group.  If I'm to be the outsider, so be it.  I choose to accept that I am not for everyone, no matter how hard I try.  Not everyone can handle or tolerate this loud and awkward girl from Brooklyn.  I'm loud, I can be obnoxious but you know what that's part of who I am.  Why do I have to change that?  I learned I had to be LOUDER to be heard, to be seen.  But if you don't want to see me or hear me no matter how loudly or softly I come across, that's your problem now not mine.  I will tone it down to where I'm not shouting from the rooftops to be recognized, but I will not change what is 'normal' for me.

That leads me to my phrase for the year.  LET THAT SHIT GO!  I need to let go of the hurts, the anger, the pain, the disappointment.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to stop letting it define me.  Learn from my mistakes, learn from the pain but move on.  Time to rewrite the story, time to rewrite my truth.  I'm a survivor, I'm a warrior, I'm not a victim anymore, I'm the child of the Goddess, I am holy, I am sacred. I am so much more than my past.  I AM ENOUGH!

Thursday, December 31, 2015


After 4 days in labor, 12+ hours of active labor, Sister #3 has had her baby.  Sweet little baby M is a wee 5 lbs 7 oz, 17 1/4 inches long.  She arrive precisely on her due date!  She's so tiny, yet so precious.  Sister had to have a c-section in the end because things just weren't going the way they were supposed to.  But Mama and Baby are both doing fine.  Thank the Goddess!

And now here we are on the cusp of a new year.  On the East Coast where I was born and raised it's already 2016.  My body tells me it is and let's go to bed.  (I'm so dang exhausted! After spending 8:30 am to past midnight at the hospital waiting for the little jelly bean to be born.  I just ache all over and feel like I could sleep for a day.  LOL)  Yet here in my time zone, I still have 50 minutes to go.  I'm trying to stay awake!

I want to take this moment to say Happy Hogmanay and Happy New Year! May the coming year bring you good health and prosperity, peace and joy, love and harmony.  May it better than the last in every way.  Thank you for sticking with reading my humble posts and continuing to follow the blog.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Good News and The Waiting Game

I was able to see the other doctor I was referred to.  The good news he said is it's nothing, every thing looked fine.  Just some small polyps.  He offered the option of removing them.  NOPE!  Not happening!  We can just leave well enough alone if that's all it is.  I am relieved that it's nothing serious.

Now we are playing the waiting game.  Cue "Jeopardy" theme!  Sister #3 has been having contractions since late Saturday night.  Started at about 30 minutes apart.  Yesterday she came over and the were 15 minutes apart.  They got to 10 minutes or so apart and that's where they've pretty much stayed.  Even through today.  There's been a few strong ones, but nothing to make her say let's go to the hospital.  She's still walking, talking, joking and laughing through them.

We're hoping baby comes today/tonight.  Big Brother and his wife leave in the early morning hours to go back to FL.  So fingers crossed that we have baby before they leave.

We're also hoping for a smooth and uneventful labor and delivery!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

So Much Going On, So Much Has Happened

Boy did I ever suck at posting this year!

Let's see...some where around March or so Sister #1 and her man and little spawnling moved out and back to their "old" place.  Her DD stayed here to finish out the school year and then went home in June when school let out.

Sister #3 is expecting her first little hatchling.  She's due by the end of this month.  Tomorrow is her birthday and we'll be going to pick out the Christmas tree as is their family tradition.

I got to see Elton John in October.  The man put on a fabulous concert!  It was his farewell tour.  Even though we had last row in the building seats it was still a great concert.  We joke now that "Crocodile Rock" is going to be Sister #3 labor song.

I've been fighting off-getting over a cold this last week.  While the cough for the most part is gone as is the stuffy nose, I still feel like something is sitting on my chest.  Doesn't hurt really, just uncomfortable.  Been having some not normal for me issues in between cycles.  So I went to the doctor and he ordered an HPV screening and pap test.  He didn't like how my cervix looked so he has referred me to another doctor who I see on Friday.  The "C" word came up in that first visit along with other scary words.  Thankfully the labs came back normal so far.  Had my first Mammogram in about 10 years last month as per that doctor's request. Came back clear!  Woohoo!!  Friday's appointment has me nervous.  I don't like getting poked in my lady parts to begin with (I know who does? Right?).  But I'm even more uncomfortable as it is a male doctor.  Though, I have it on good authority that he is an excellent doctor since he did save my Beloved's Mom's life around 20 years ago.  The thought train is that maybe it's early signs of going into menopause.  So the hope is that maybe that's all it is.

I spoke with my little hatchling on my birthday.  My girls are all grown up and such lovely young ladies.  It's hard not to think of them as little girls anymore.  They'll be 23 and 20 come next year!  My how time flew!!!  She told me that "HE" wants to file for divorce, but I've been hearing that for a couple of years now.  It keeps coming down to money.  I had a dream that I was back down there and told him I wanted a divorce.  He said he had the papers and would get them for me to sign.  Then he disappeared and never came back with them.  In the dream, just before that he said something about money issues.  I told him well you can't blame me for your money problems, I don't live with you anymore.  There was something liberating in that statement, even if it was just a dream.

In a couple of weeks, the Brother will be coming with his wife to spend Christmas here.  This will be the first time I will be meeting them.  I keep joking that I am going to just hide in my room for that week. Everyone is excited since they haven't seen him in 4 years.  The hope is that they'll be for the birth of Sister #3's baby.

Writing and art have had their ups and downs through the year.  I didn't write or art as much I wanted to.  I just can't seem to get myself going.  Or I keep procrastinating.  Really need to work on changing all that.

Hoping that everyone has had a good year and will have a wonderful rest of 2015.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Ostara Blessings and Catching Up

Blessings on this Spring Equinox/Ostara weekend!!  I spent my day yesterday watching a new born calf take its first breath.  It was beautiful and amazing.  Watched as it struggled to take its first steps.  The mom and calf have been taken to a neighboring farm though as she has had trouble with her calves suckling in the past.  So to nip things in the bud they are helping her early rather than wait until a problem develops.  But momma and baby are doing well.  Oddly enough, this cow wasn't even due to deliver yet.  I think they figured on her needing a couple more weeks.  We pretty much saw her water break and her go into labor.  She had it rather quickly and it is average in size which is roughly 75 lbs.  They have had one rather large calf born estimated to be over 100 lbs, that momma nearly needed to have help delivering.  And then there was a small one born probably close to 50 lbs and she's been named Pixie.

Things around here are starting to settle back into a state of normal.  Sister #1 has finally moved into a place with her man and boy child.  Girl child will remain here to finish out the school year which ends in May.  There was some drama around there move.  End of February they moved to the property of the house with the idea that her man would help his cousin prep and make repairs to the house the cousin was moving to.  Well cousin was in no hurry to vacate the house they were to have and dragged his feet on things.  The cousin and Sister#1's man nearly got into blows and had a big argument.  Needless to say a week or so later they were back here for another 2 weeks or so.  The day came for that cousin of his to move and he kept making excuses.  Finally the owner of both houses, who is a friend to them, stepped in and all but forcibly had him moved out of the house.  They at last are finally settled in and are just about completely moved out of here.

I can't believe that my mother has been gone a year already.  I still have not shed any tears over it.  I can't.  I have been in communications with a cousin I haven't spoken to in probably 30 years.  And her take on it is that I got my closure and did my mourning years ago when my mother cut me out of her life.  Which if I think about it, does make sense.  I went through all the emotions during that period of time.  She, had a similar experience with her father (my mother's older brother).  She had been estranged from him for some years before his death.  When he was dying, she said a health care worker called her and said she should come see him as he didn't have long.  My cousin asked did he truly wish to see her.  The health care worker answered truthfully, no he didn't ask for her.  She told the worker to call back when he did and he died a week later.  She made her peace a long time ago she said regarding him.  It has been such a relief to have sometime tell me it's okay not to feel guilty that I don't mourn or miss her.

The other thing with reconnecting with my cousin....she has turned to a Pagan path.  When we first started communicating she would say things that I thought sounded very witchy or Pagan.  We have so much in common it has been unreal to me.  To have a like minded person within my own family has been a welcome to me, I don't feel so alone anymore.  I can openly discuss things with her that I have felt I couldn't with others without feeling or thinking they thought me crazy.  I feel as though I have found a soul sister in this regard.  She being 10 years older than me and having moved to Long Island when she was 16/17 or so ...I didn't really know her.  The last memory I have of her at a holiday gathering I must have been about 3 years old.  We both love to read, we both love to be alone rather than in crowds, we both feel more drawn to Kitchen or Hedge witchery leaning though more eclectic in some aspects.  We prefer simple to full out ritual.  She's been so disconnected from our family due to her father and his ways, and honestly I don't know what my family thinks sometimes why they didn't try to maintain contact with her.  But looking at things now, it's the same with me.

Most think I'm just like my mother and that if I contact them I must want something. I have never given any reason to them that they should compare me to her, so I don't understand it.  Perhaps it would have been better in their eyes if I had become an alcoholic like my father.  I don't usually get reached out to for the sake of them wanting to know how I am.  It pains me sometimes that I am looked like I am the black sheep, but then even growing up...I never felt as though I belong to this family.  Oh how I used to wish I was adopted and that maybe I had a "real" family out there somewhere.  That's how my 12 year old mind worked back then.  Secretly though, sometimes I still wish that.  It has been a comfort to me that she has shared how my father was with me when I was a baby.  I always wondered.  She said he doted on me, would sit on the floor and play with me, that I was the apple of his eye.  Those words warmed my heart and gave me something I cannot describe.

I haven't done much in the way of writing or making art, nor in any type of studies.  That procrastination gremlin is still hanging around.  I did make an effort at the beginning of the year with some art journaling and then last month trying to commit to 100 mandalas.  But with all the chaos of having extra people and an unruly 3 year old, that kind of fell to the wayside.  Now that things have started to go back to "normal" and the house is quiet once again I should like to try and do 100 mandalas and everything else on my list of things to do.

Next month is Camp NaNoWriMo, and I signed up for it...dun dun dun!  I set my word goal so far at 25,000.  I don't know if I need to lower it to accommodate my project yet or not.  My plan is to write down things my grandma told me.  I don't want to forget her words and I want to leave something behind for my girls and should I ever have grandbabies...  I want her legacy of strength and courage to live in and not be forgotten.

So that's what has been happening in a nutshell.  Hope all is well with all of you in the blog-ospher!