Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Two Days In

Happy 2019!

We're into the second day of the new year and I've accomplished ......wait for it.......NOTHING!  LOL!!

All day yesterday I just felt so dang tired.  And achy and crampy.  I can do the cramps to an extent, ya know what I mean.  For me it's just part of the course of things.  But the ache in my thighs....that just bugs me and wears me out.  And there's nothing I can do about it.  Started yesterday with what felt like the stirrings of a migraine, so I quickly took an Advil Migraine just to nip it in the bud.  It did tone down the headache finally, but never really touched anything else.

So I just didn't feel like doing much of anything despite the fact I wanted to do a lot of things.  The first lessons of the art course are out.  I wanted to try and get some writing done.  I have video lessons to watch on an assortment of things I signed up for.  And I've done none of it. 

I'm going to try and not be so hard on myself about it though.  I'm going to try and let my body calm down some first.  When the aches get really flaring, it's hard to concentrate on things.  So I really don't want to be doing something and not be able to focus. 

UPDATE on the Fur Baby:
I think he's resigned himself to having to take these pills twice a day.  I hope.  But that damn ear keeps trying to fill up.  The first couple of days it seemed it was doing well.  Now it's trying to fill up again.  They told us to only do the "tugging and warm damp cloth" twice a day.  If it starts to fill we're supposed to gently squeeze to get the stuff to come out of the holes.  Last couple of days though, by mid afternoon its got stuff in it.  I, WE!, all wish they had done the other procedure.  It was so much simpler.  He was mostly healed by this point and it never filled back up or tried to.  We weren't even given an option.
I guess we can see where it stands come Friday.  That will be one week since they put this so called drain in the holes.  I mean, what happens once they take the 'laces' out?  Seems like it has more of a chance to fill back up to near bursting.  Plus by this time on the other ear, his  ear was up right again.  This one is still  flopped over.  Maybe it's because it keeps trying to refill.  I don't know.  But this way just sucks!!  When he had the incision, we didn't have to do anything except let it heal and make sure he didn't pull his stitches.   They really need to give you an option when there is more than one way to do a thing.

Okay, I'll stop ranting!

Hoping the new year is off to a good start for everyone.  Cat ear and aches aside, it's been good or as good as it can be.

Monday, December 31, 2018

New Year's Eve

In all likelihood, it will be a quiet one around here.  In which we may or may not even stay awake long enough to see the ball drop (on TV of course!).   I don't have any of the usual fare on hand to ring in the new year either. No herring, no cabbage, no Pączki which around these parts are only sold around Fat Tuesday if you're lucky.  

I might have a silver coin around here somewhere though.  Hard to keep up with the traditions I grew up  with.  I can maybe find the herring I like, but with me being the only one who'd eat....seems like a waste to buy it because I will not eat it all before it goes bad.  No one around here sells the really small jars like my mom used to get.  Back in Brookly, I could get Paczki whenever I wanted them living in a Polish neighborhood.  And as much as I'd love to have some stuffed cabbage, I don't know how to cook small when it comes to that, and really don't feel like going to the store.  

Eh, that's okay really.  I never really noticed an improvement in luck status by doing or not doing some of these  traditions.

I'm not making any resolutions.  I stopped doing that forever ago. Back in 2011 I guess it was, I discovered choosing a word of the year.  So far, most of the words I've chosen have been spot on. I like to think the words that have chosen me have been more powerful.  Like when I chose FREEDOM back in 2011. Or DREAM, a couple of years....I sure did a lot of that.  This year was SURRENDER.  I didn't know what to expect with that, but I do think I did some surrendering this year.

Next year's word is SACRED.  It chose me. And it scares the shit of me.   I believe in Latin it is Sacre, which if you move letters around you have the word scare or cares.  HMMM!  

Some things I'd like to accomplish this year: 

  • Write more.  Maybe a goal of 250 words a day(ish).
  • Make more art.  I'm taking part in Lifebook this year. That should have me making art all year long. Plus I want to work through Effy's Boot Camp and some of the other lessons I have saved.
  • Take more photos.  Learn my camera and get comfortable with it.  I mean shit I've only had it for 3 years!  It's about time I do that, I think.
  • Do more of what I love and what makes me happy.  IE: Read more books!
  • Keep listening to my body and practice self care.  Eat better when possible, rest when my body says rest, definitely try to drink more water.
Will I do all that I want to do, maybe I don't know.  I usually start off with the greatest of intentions.  Then the calendar flips and I don't do much of what I intended to do.

And now, I want to take a moment to thank all of you how have stuck with me since I've been blogging here.  Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice.  

I  wish you all, followers and passers by alike, a very Happy New Year!  May it be happy, healthy, and prosperous for us all.

Friday, December 28, 2018

What A Couple Of Days!

We got caught up in the internet outage over the last couple of days.  Crazy how reliant we can be on the internet for things.  One local supermarket could only accept cash or checks for purchases.  A medical group couldn't access it's patient files.  Not to mention that 911 was also down in many areas!!  What...A...Mess!!!

Wednesday we had the fur boy back at the vet because of his uncooperative ear.  Then we were back AGAIN today.  Now he has what resembles a shoelace threaded through the holes to help his ear drain.  He's miserable but hopefully this is the last trip until we get the lace removed in 21 days.  He's being placed on prednisone too.

If we should ever have another pet need hematoma surgery they are getting the incision and stitches. Screw this piercing shit.

Hopefully he won't pull at the lace and hopefully they won't get sealed up again.  We're supposed apply warm compresses every 12 hours and tug gently to make sure the holes are open.  If any fluid builds we're suppose to gently press  it out through the holes.  ME....I can't do it.  Thankfully there are 2 people here that can handle it.

Let the weekend be uneventful please!

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Happy Day After

It's the day after Christmas. We made it through.  By 2:30 everyone had left and we had a quiet rest of the afternoon.  Everyone seemed happy with their gifts, or so I hope.

I love all of mine!  I got a salt lamp, a set of Harry Potter themed necklaces and a bracelet to match one of them.  CANDY!!!  A set of paints that I am really excited to try out.  And my favorite surprise was a sloth coloring book.   I'm into sloths right now.  It was quite  by accident, but I am totally hooked on these things.  I've never a seen sloth themed book, so I was quite  tickled by it.

Physically, I'm exhausted.  But for the most part in a good way.  Except for last night, didn't sleep worth anything.  Couldn't get comfortable, my hips and legs hurt.  But mostly just worried about my boy.

We had to take my tuxedo boy to the vet on Friday because he had a hematoma form on his ear.  Back in May, he had it on the left and it was surgically treated.  Now it's the right ear.  They did a different procedure on it and the first day or so, it was draining.  But late Saturday into Sunday, it started filling back up. By Christmas Eve night it was completely full again.  We had called the vet around noon, but there wasn't enough time to get him back in and treated before they closed.  So we had to drop him off when they opened this morning.  It did drain a bit last night finally, but by this morning it was half full again. SIGH!!!!!!!!!!   Have no idea what they are doing yet or when they'll check on him.  Not exactly how we planned to spend the day.

I have a hunch that if they have to do another surgery, he may end up spending the night even.    When they did the surgery on Friday, it was in the morning and when we picked him up in the late afternoon he was really out of it.  If they don't do anything and it's surgery until this afternoon, I don't see how they could let us take him home.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see though until we hear from them.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday!!

Pictures of my baby from a couple of Christmases ago.

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

My Word For 2019

Usually by this point of December, I am on the hunt for my word for the new year.  Instead of making resolution that will no doubt be broken before the first week is over, I have been choosing a word.  You can choose a phrase too, if that works better.  I know some that pick two or three words for the year.  Some even go so far as to pick a new word each month.  But I like the idea of focusing on one word for the year.

I guess I first heard about this process about ten years ago, but I didn't start choosing my word until 2011 when I chose FREEDOM.  That was such a big word for me.  It was scary and big and I think it showed up in amazing ways that year.  Since then, I've had some hits and misses where I had my word but feel like I might have missed the mark with a few here and there.

This year, I didn't even have to think about my word.  It actually surprised me by showing up shortly after Thanksgiving.  I felt a little uncomfortable with it because of the potential religious undertones it can have.  So I wrote it down. And then a phrase came to mind like a day or so later.  And that really shook things up in me.  Again because of the religious nature of one of the words. So, I have just been sitting with them these last couple of weeks. What I have noticed is the word itself has been coming to me now from many MANY directions.  Kind of the way DREAM did for me a couple of years back.

So a little background about why these words took me off guard.  I was raised Catholic.  Nine years of Catholic school, going to Mass on and off for those years.  A brief return to the Church in 2004/2005 or so.  Growing up, it was expected that you took the priests/nuns at their word.  That you weren't to question religious lessons or them for that matter.  Though I was always fascinated by the ritual of Mass, save the up/down/kneel up/down/kneel for an hour lol. 

Between 1991 and 2003 or so.  I was attending one nondenominational church or another.  One thing I found was that all those people that wanted you saved and reading the bible and praying....not one was willing to answer questions.  It's like a race to save as many people as they can, then they toss them into the deep end without teaching them how to swim.  And so many churches and pastors preach a 'my way or the highway' type thing.  If you believe a little differently or question something, you're basically shunned.  It seems more prevalent with smaller churches.  In the larger, mega churches, you don't really have access to the pastor or leaders. 

At some point, I realized I felt, thought, and believed differently than those I was associated with.  I started feeling called by the Goddess and have wanted to explore that path. But here I am, some 15 or so years later and I haven't done much exploring. I feel like in some ways I have been in a sort of limbo or wandering in circles.

So I was quite surprised when the word SACRED came to me.  I was ready to be all "NOPE! Not gonna happen!" and run screaming from it.  But I paused for a moment and instead decided to sit with it.  I have rarely stuck with the first word that came to mind before entering the new year.  I began to notice almost every day the word SACRED was coming to me from various directions.  And then I began to feel the Goddess tugging at me again.  Specifically Cerridwen, who came to me about that time 15 years ago.

Days later after the word came to me, the phrase "Art as Prayer and Practice" came to me.  And again, I wanted to run screaming in the other direction from the word Prayer.  Many words that have religious overtones and are associated with church and religion just bring up negative emotions and feelings in me.  But still, I wrote down the words anyway and agreed to sit with it as well.

The more I sit with all this, the more if  feels right.  So, I am not going to fight it.  I am going to let the Goddess Cerridwen lead and I will do my best to follow into the SACRED.   To let her lead me into the creative life I so desire.

I don't know how this is going to work out, or where it is going to lead. I am so looking forward to LIFEBOOK 2019.  Bummed a bit that I can't take part in Book of Days and/or Moonshine with Effy Wild.   Women Unleashed starts tomorrow, yay! 

The words "If not now, when" keeps coming to mind.  If I don't make the time and create the space for me that I want now, then when will I?   I keep putting things off, time and time again.  How long will I keep denying myself?  Am I  not worth it?

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Ebb And Flow

That's how it feels some days.  The pain ebbs and flows, like the tide.  It's down from what it was after Thanksgiving.  But Christmas is just around the corner, which means I'll be pushing myself until the holidays have passed.  Which no doubt will mean a few high pain days ahead.  I think starting the new year, I will keep track of all my pain days and new symptoms as they crop up.  Every week lately, it seems like I have something new to experience.  Just grateful none have been debilitating.  Unless you count my foot deciding to cramp up as we were walking around the holiday light display in town while the hip of my opposite leg decided to flare.  I must have been a sight to see on the way back to the car!!!!

 At least for Christmas we aren't doing a big sit down dinner.  We've gone to a fairly casual, grazing finger foods and sandwiches.  Chips and dip, deli meats and cheeses, a couple of salads.  This year we're not even doing the cookie day and instead opting for each of us to make them at our own houses at our leisure.  It gets quite chaotic when you have five women all in need of the stove or the mixer or counter space.  Even last year when we did it at Sister #1's house, who has a double oven, it was a bit crazy.  I'm okay with it this way.  Momma T and I can take our time and do our cookies over a few days.

I'm not really feeling the holidays though.  I keep trying to get into the spirit of it, but it's like the magic just isn't there.  I would opt out of all this if I could.  Well, except the cookies.....because you know...COOKIES!!!!!  Though I'd still make them at my own pace.  It's just everything cost so much these days. And everyone is like in competition with each other, who got better gifts, who got bigger gifts.  Even though we now just do a name draw and fill a gift bag for that person.  Pleasing some people is near impossible.  I thought I had it easy this year, but now I'm starting to wonder if maybe my gifts will be underwhelming to them.

I've already been thinking about opting out of the exchange for next year.  It will be money saved, no hurt feelings or disappointments if the right gifts aren't bought.  And then I don't have to worry about anyone drawing my name and having them complain that I'm so difficult to buy for.  But if you don't take the time to learn about me or my interests, what do you expect??  So yeah, that's kinda how I'm feeling.  Then others that I have bought for in the past just don't seem to appreciate what I got and I'm lucky if I even get/got a thank you.  So I'm just really over the whole gift thing.

It's a damp and chilly day today. We'll be having bands of this as the weather moves in from the Pacific Coast.  Will we have a White Christmas though?  Who knows.  Looks like a 50/50 chance right now.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

I Pushed, Now I'm Paying

I hurt.  Hurting in ways I haven't before.  Someways, some of the pain that is familiar is worse.  Others are new to me.

I pushed myself for the holiday and I knew I would pay for it.  I had to.  I had to make the sides and clean up.  I had to make my desserts for the dessert day and clean that up too.  Now, I'm paying for it. 

I don't regret it one bit.  I enjoyed the cooking and the baking.  I love to do both.  Okay I hate the clean up!!!  I knew it was going to bite me in the ass, I just didn't know how bad.

Pain between the shoulders and down my breastbone.
Lower back and tail bone, some moments they are the worst of it.
My hips because of the back.  If I am laying down, my leg tries to go numb and tingly.
My hands.  If they don't hurt, then they tingle.  Or worse, they try to cramp up on me.  So don't ask me to open a jar, it might not end well LOL.  (have to laugh or I'll cry.)
Now today, my thighs hurt too.  But it feels like the bones, not the muscles.  I don't know how to explain it.
Then there's that spot on my shin that I whacked on the dishwasher door 4 years ago.  If it doesn't hurt, then it itches, or both.
Feet keep trying to cramp up too.

I have to vent here because no one understands.
Taking pain meds does nothing. And I refuse to go on any prescription meds.  I'd rather hurt than
risk all the side effects.

You know what else I hate....that I can't do the things I love without pain.  I love to cook.  I love to bake.  But standing more than 5 minutes and I've got pain shooting down my spine.  I love to browse stores and shop, even if it's just window shopping.  Too much walking and my back and legs feel like they are on fire.

I caved last night and was in bed by 7.  I laid on the heating pad, which feels great until I try to get up and then I'm stiff and feel like I was hit by a truck.  But I caved and did it anyway.  I binged a few episodes of Downton Abbey.  And you know what?  I felt guilty for every moment I was there.  For me self-care = guilt. 

Sitting here to write hurts like crazy.  My back and hips and thighs are all screaming at me.  But even thinking of laying down, I feel the guilt rising.  And so I don't listen to what my body is telling me to do.

Even so, if I had to do it all over again so that we had a good thanksgiving.......I WOULD!