Saturday, March 21, 2015

Ostara Blessings and Catching Up

Blessings on this Spring Equinox/Ostara weekend!!  I spent my day yesterday watching a new born calf take its first breath.  It was beautiful and amazing.  Watched as it struggled to take its first steps.  The mom and calf have been taken to a neighboring farm though as she has had trouble with her calves suckling in the past.  So to nip things in the bud they are helping her early rather than wait until a problem develops.  But momma and baby are doing well.  Oddly enough, this cow wasn't even due to deliver yet.  I think they figured on her needing a couple more weeks.  We pretty much saw her water break and her go into labor.  She had it rather quickly and it is average in size which is roughly 75 lbs.  They have had one rather large calf born estimated to be over 100 lbs, that momma nearly needed to have help delivering.  And then there was a small one born probably close to 50 lbs and she's been named Pixie.

Things around here are starting to settle back into a state of normal.  Sister #1 has finally moved into a place with her man and boy child.  Girl child will remain here to finish out the school year which ends in May.  There was some drama around there move.  End of February they moved to the property of the house with the idea that her man would help his cousin prep and make repairs to the house the cousin was moving to.  Well cousin was in no hurry to vacate the house they were to have and dragged his feet on things.  The cousin and Sister#1's man nearly got into blows and had a big argument.  Needless to say a week or so later they were back here for another 2 weeks or so.  The day came for that cousin of his to move and he kept making excuses.  Finally the owner of both houses, who is a friend to them, stepped in and all but forcibly had him moved out of the house.  They at last are finally settled in and are just about completely moved out of here.

I can't believe that my mother has been gone a year already.  I still have not shed any tears over it.  I can't.  I have been in communications with a cousin I haven't spoken to in probably 30 years.  And her take on it is that I got my closure and did my mourning years ago when my mother cut me out of her life.  Which if I think about it, does make sense.  I went through all the emotions during that period of time.  She, had a similar experience with her father (my mother's older brother).  She had been estranged from him for some years before his death.  When he was dying, she said a health care worker called her and said she should come see him as he didn't have long.  My cousin asked did he truly wish to see her.  The health care worker answered truthfully, no he didn't ask for her.  She told the worker to call back when he did and he died a week later.  She made her peace a long time ago she said regarding him.  It has been such a relief to have sometime tell me it's okay not to feel guilty that I don't mourn or miss her.

The other thing with reconnecting with my cousin....she has turned to a Pagan path.  When we first started communicating she would say things that I thought sounded very witchy or Pagan.  We have so much in common it has been unreal to me.  To have a like minded person within my own family has been a welcome to me, I don't feel so alone anymore.  I can openly discuss things with her that I have felt I couldn't with others without feeling or thinking they thought me crazy.  I feel as though I have found a soul sister in this regard.  She being 10 years older than me and having moved to Long Island when she was 16/17 or so ...I didn't really know her.  The last memory I have of her at a holiday gathering I must have been about 3 years old.  We both love to read, we both love to be alone rather than in crowds, we both feel more drawn to Kitchen or Hedge witchery leaning though more eclectic in some aspects.  We prefer simple to full out ritual.  She's been so disconnected from our family due to her father and his ways, and honestly I don't know what my family thinks sometimes why they didn't try to maintain contact with her.  But looking at things now, it's the same with me.

Most think I'm just like my mother and that if I contact them I must want something. I have never given any reason to them that they should compare me to her, so I don't understand it.  Perhaps it would have been better in their eyes if I had become an alcoholic like my father.  I don't usually get reached out to for the sake of them wanting to know how I am.  It pains me sometimes that I am looked like I am the black sheep, but then even growing up...I never felt as though I belong to this family.  Oh how I used to wish I was adopted and that maybe I had a "real" family out there somewhere.  That's how my 12 year old mind worked back then.  Secretly though, sometimes I still wish that.  It has been a comfort to me that she has shared how my father was with me when I was a baby.  I always wondered.  She said he doted on me, would sit on the floor and play with me, that I was the apple of his eye.  Those words warmed my heart and gave me something I cannot describe.

I haven't done much in the way of writing or making art, nor in any type of studies.  That procrastination gremlin is still hanging around.  I did make an effort at the beginning of the year with some art journaling and then last month trying to commit to 100 mandalas.  But with all the chaos of having extra people and an unruly 3 year old, that kind of fell to the wayside.  Now that things have started to go back to "normal" and the house is quiet once again I should like to try and do 100 mandalas and everything else on my list of things to do.

Next month is Camp NaNoWriMo, and I signed up for it...dun dun dun!  I set my word goal so far at 25,000.  I don't know if I need to lower it to accommodate my project yet or not.  My plan is to write down things my grandma told me.  I don't want to forget her words and I want to leave something behind for my girls and should I ever have grandbabies...  I want her legacy of strength and courage to live in and not be forgotten.

So that's what has been happening in a nutshell.  Hope all is well with all of you in the blog-ospher!
Blessings!!!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Farewell 2014, Hello 2015 Happy New Year!!

I've thought about writing a blog post for weeks now, but always found an excuse not to.  Today I figured I would at least end the year with one.  I've not touched my blog since August, I've not read other blogs since September or so.  I fell into a rut of the "I dunnos and I don't cares"  I guess.

This year I turned 45.  By Christmas I was feeling pretty damn sorry for myself.  I'm still trying to pull myself out of that pity party.  You see, Thanksgiving time it was 8 years since my Granny passed away.  Christmas Eve marked 20 years since my Daddy died.  I got word from my girls that their dad's eldest brother passed away.  Then I learned that a man that I worked with many, many years ago and who had a bigger impact on my life than I ever realized, was the first person to ever think I had potential, had died after battling cancer back in September.   I got no cards or gifts from my daughters for my birthday or for Christmas.  Hell this year I didn't really even get a Merry Christmas Momma.  I feel like they chose "him" over me.  So all this loss and sadness, these feelings of being forgotten about just really got to me and I had a melt down a couple of days ago and cried my eyes out.  While the tears helped a little, it really doesn't change anything other than a release of emotions I've been holding in.

Looking back over this year, looking back to my word(s) for 2014.  I actually had to look it up because once again I forgot what I even chose.  I don't think I came anywhere near "emerging as my authentic self" as I had intended.  Sometimes I think I went back down the path of familiarity and stayed more the person other people want me to be.  I didn't come out of my shell more like I wanted to.  I didn't do a lot of things.  I didn't write, I didn't make art, I didn't stay consistent on my quest to be healthier.  So looking at all that I didn't do, combined with all the sadness of loss my pity party of melt down was inevitable.

Add into this mix, Sister #1, her man, and her 3 year old boy and 11 year girl who have been living with us since Thanksgiving.  It's not been easy.  Their parenting style leaves much to be desired, also leaves me thinking that one or both kids will need therapy when they grow up.  Her comments and innuendos toward me are trying my patience and as I told my Beloved's parents it is out of respect of them and the gift of a roof over my head, food in my belly that they offer me that I hold my tongue.  I've also told my Beloved's mom it is getting harder and harder to do.  Living with Sister #1 in many ways reminds of living with the Ogre and his wretch of a sister.  IMO Sister #1 is narcissistic.   She has many of the signs I've seen in my own mother and in the Ogre and in the Ogre's sister.  They're being here is taking it's toll on the three of us.  We keep hoping they find a place soon, but their efforts to find something have been minimal.  They are EXHAUSTING!! to say the least.

In the midst of all this, I started thinking about what I want my word for 2015 to be.  I do not want a word that will be easily forgotten to the point that this time next year I need to look it up.  I was reading a post by a Facebook friend about her year and her word, when a word popped into my head. I thought, nah that can't be it and kinda put it on the back burner.  Then over the next few days other little posts would pop up here and there all pointing to something similar and that damn word kept coming to mind.  Then the more I thought about the word, the more it made sense.

I've let so many things and so many people dictate my life and my being that I've lost my way over and over, many times.  I've lost myself, my dreams, my desires, my goals.  If I'm going to be honest, I'm tired of that shit.  I'm tired of being told who I should be and what I should want by society, by others.  I think I'm ready to say FUCK THAT SHIT!

So with that I present to you my word for 2015.........RECLAIM!

I Reclaim who I am
I Reclaim my dreams
I Reclaim my desires
I Reclaim my destiny
I Reclaim my life

I Reclaim my blog space too.  I hope to post more often rather months between posts.  I hope to get back to regularly reading your posts and commenting here and there to let you know that you are seen and heard.

I wish you  all well, I wish you love, good health, prosperity, happiness, peace today and always.  Have a Happy and Safe New Year!!!!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Goddess Fest 2014

Last weekend I went to my first ever Pagan festival in Boise called Goddess Fest.  This was their 20th year.  It wasn't very big, but big enough.  Lots of booths selling things like books, gem stones, jewelry, clothing.  A handful of tarot readers.

I walked a labyrinth for the first time in my life.  It was very peaceful, soothing, and meditative.  For completing it, I was giving a small stone with the labyrinth carved into it.

They had several tents set up with altars.  One to Lilith, one to Gaia, Kuan Yin, Hekate, and many more.  There were to different altars to Rhiannon.  Never did I feel more peaceful and called to a Goddess than when I stood or knelt before these.  Each altar had a little token from the Goddess to take as a reminder.  The largest tent had a great sculpture of Mother Earth and the Green Man (at least I think that's who it was).  In there was a box and note paper to jot down any prayers or blessings you might want to ask or need.  At the end of the festival they would be offered up to the Lord and Lady.

One tent I stopped by that was filled with all sorts of gems and stones.  I wanted so many it was hard to pick so in the end I didn't get any.  But just touching or running my hands through them I could feel the energies off them.  That's something I never experienced before.  It was kind of cool!

I really enjoyed it and hoped to go back again next year.

My Thoughts On The Dream

No comments on the previous post, wow.  I'm a bit surprised.  Such is life I suppose.

Anyway, my thoughts on the dream are that my grandma kept looking forward this to me is saying that I shouldn't look back.  Keep looking ahead, the past can't be changed.  Seems legit and sound to me.  Especially since I keep thinking about the things I left behind, will I ever get them back.  Do I just need to let these things go and if I do get them great, if I don't well I need to be okay with that.

The ocelot, I'm not totally sure what it is trying to tell me.  It seems they have a lot to do with spirituality.  They are connected to tree and water wisdom.  They are strong and sure spirit guides, have the ability to exist in two planes at once (physical and spiritual world).

Part of this dream felt like I was being held back in someway by "him".  That in "his" own way "he" (I'm referring to the Ogre here, the not soon enough to be ex) is not letting me move on with my life.  Even though we haven't spoken since I left, or been in contact since a few months after that.  At one point several months, maybe last year even my young one said "he" wanted a divorce and would file for it.  That has yet to happen.  I would file myself if I had the money to do so, even though it scares me what he would do to my stuff still left at the house out of retaliation.  Heck, he might have already done something with it all.  I don't know, I only know what I'm told by my girls.

The river says I need to take a more decisive role in my life.  Maybe it's telling me that if I want total control of my life, I need to find a way to file myself and what ever happens happens.

The waterfall is an indicator of letting go.  To release pent up, negative emotions and feelings.  The dam means repressed emotions and feelings that need to be released.  I see a pattern here, do you?

Sounds like I need to release things...emotions, feelings, material stuff.  I need to take my own actions to move on, to take control back.  Just leaving isn't enough, I need to make it official.  So that I can really get down to the business of rebuilding my life and creating the life I want.  Now I just need to look into how I can self file, find out how much it would cost, and then figure out how to come up with said money.

I had hopes of being able to claim the $255 death benefit from my mother.  I had hopes of using that for filing.  But I found out that they changed the rules years ago and a surviving adult child cannot claim it.  Kind of sucks.  So I'll just have to find another way to get money for it.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Vivid Dreams

Had quite the dream last night, this morning...whenever it was.  I wish I could recall more of it now than I do but I failed to write it down like I meant right after I woke up.  I did manage to journal what I did remember of it this afternoon and then started looking up meanings and trying to identify the animal from the dream.

The first part of the dream that I remember was being inside a house of sort standing and looking out a large plate window.  This window could not open and was just one solid piece of glass.  I think my Beloved was standing behind me on the left.  As I was looking out the window, my late Grandmother was sitting outside the window on something.  I knew it was her by her dress and hair, but she never spoke nor turned around.  I don't think she even moved the whole time.  From the right, a wild cat of some sort started to prowl and approach her.  I got scared and was trying to yell to her not to move, and hoped that the animal would just pass her by.

The wild cat, larger than a house cat by A LOT, but smaller than a tiger.  It had the coloring of a tiger but had elongated spots.  After much Googling and with help from a friend we narrowed it to most like being an Ocelot.  Or an Ocelot mixed with another breed.  But for the sake of simplicity, I went with the Ocelot.

In the dream the Ocelot came up to my late grandmother and opened its mouth around her entire face from scalp to chin.  It stayed like that briefly, then moved away from her face and came around to her left side where it licked her cheek.  All through this my grandmother never moved or spoke.

The next thing I remember is that I/we (my Beloved and I) were on a river bank.  It was quite wide but the river was very low.  So low I could see the rock bed and walk across it.  Which I seemed to do as I also watched myself from the river bank.  Part of me felt like I was trying to go on a trip to visit my aunt in Massachusetts, but I didn't know why since she has advanced dementia and doesn't recognize most of the family.  It also felt like I was trying to get my girls to either come with me or come to me.  The weirdest part though was feeling like the Ogre was some how hindering me or hindering things or both.  I don't think he was actually in the dream, it was more like just his presence.  I also don't recall if I actually saw my girls or it was just the thought of them.

From the river bank, I also recall seeing a dam with a waterfall.

I spent a better part of the early afternoon looking up the meanings of these key things the Ocelot, the River, the Dam, and the Waterfall.  I also spent that time trying to shake off the feeling that the Ogre is trying to keep me from moving forward with my life and hindering me.

I've not had any contact with him in almost three years.  The last I heard from my wee one many months ago was that he wanted nothing to do with me and told her that he wanted to divorce me.  But to this day, I've heard nothing more and can find no court filings under our names.

I have some thoughts about what some of the dream might have meant and ideas that my friend and I concluded.  I'll post those thoughts later this week after maybe some of you may have offered some insights.
I would welcome your thoughts on this.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Well, It' June Already And I've Nothing To Show For It

Boy time sure flies when you're busy doing nothing.  Half a year is almost gone and what's to show for it?  Not a whole hell of a lot, that's for shit sure.

I had planned to blog here a bit more often and well that hasn't happened since March. As my Beloved keeps saying...I seem to be in a rut.  Which he says is making me pissy and quite bitchy.  I haven't felt like I am but that doesn't me I'm not either.

My plans to paint the year away haven't lived up.  Same with writing.  I totally flopped and failed for April's Camp NaNoWriMo.  I don't even know what my biggest struggle is.  I can't seem to find the motivation.  I can't get into a daily practice.  I really struggle with it.  I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with developing a daily practice of art and writing.  I want to do them, but I feel held back.  Maybe it's those voices that tell me whatever I create will be shitty.  I dunno.  But it's annoying and it's getting old.

So today, being the first day of a new month am deciding more or less enough is enough.  But be warned I've said this before and feel right back quite easily into the non-creative rut.  As I was saying, I decided to take on a challenge called 100 Happy Days.  There is a website by that name if you want to sign up and take the challenge.  Which in itself is rather simple in its concept.  Take one photograph of something that makes you happy and post it online with the hashtag of 100 happy days.  Simple right?  Sounds easy enough.  But the challenge is going to be A) remembering to take said photo, B) remembering to post said photo.  The thing I dread is what if I don't have or find something to photograph.  I did take my first picture though and it's already posted.  Because well...Llamas!


I also signed up for a free challenge at The Sketchbook Project.  (Oh did I mention the above mentioned challenge is free too?  Well, it is!)  For this, I have one week, well until June 6th to find and photograph a face in an unusual place.  I tend to over think things...A LOT!  So I am finding this a real challenge.  If you want to participate, there are still spots available...you can sign up here: http://www.sketchbookproject.com/projects/challenge

And finally there is another Camp NaNoWriMo starting July 1st.  I've already signed up with a goal of 10,000 words.  That's approximately 323 words a day.  So we'll see where I get with this one.

To say that I have nothing to show for half a year isn't entirely true.  I have made a few journal pages.  And I've worked some on a big painting I have hang up, it's not done yet.  The face is giving me a grief.  I have a hard time with faces, and I'm trying to figure out what works for me.


Another thing, I want to delve into is to study Druidry.  I've found a couple of places where I can do so online for free.  I just don't know I'll start that. I wish I had some of the books about Druidry so I didn't have to be at the computer to study.  But I can't afford to buy them and I can't afford to buy a library card, besides I don't think they have said books anyway.

So there it is. I'm struggling, I've fallen into a rut, and I'm tired of it.  I just don't know how to get off this merry-go-round that isn't so merry.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Life, Loss, And Other Things

Time sure does fly!  Last week, on the 25th, my baby girl turned 18.  Just like that, in the blink of an eye, I was now the mom of two young women.  Not babies anymore, 18 and 21.  Where did the time go?

On Friday, Sister #3's boyfriend's brother was killed in a single car accident.  He fell asleep at the wheel and wasn't wearing a seat belt.  This poor family has endured so much in the last year.  They have suffered so many losses.  First last March the eldest brother died, earlier this year the 11 year nephew of the boyfriend lost his battle with cancer, and now this.  1 year and 20 days between the 2 brothers dying, and 27 days since the young boy was buried.  Please keep E and his family (mom, dad, and sister) in your thoughts as they all struggle to deal with so much tragedy. 

It seems the Universe thinks and wants me to really focus on my art.  I won a spot in this years 21 Secrets Live a few months back.  It has been a really fun learning experience which continues through June.  Then I won a spot in a 10 month program called Spectrum.  Yesterday I found out I won a spot in the Spring installment of 21 Secrets!  I am really excited about all of them. 

In about 6 hours or so, Camp NaNoWriMo starts.  I wasn't sure if I was going to do it.  But since I can set my own word count goal, I decided to go ahead and participate.  I set my goal at only 10,000 words or 333 words a day for the month of April.  It's small and doable.  It's something I can work in between other things. 

I just need to figure out my time.  I am being given these amazing classes by the Universe to participate in.  Story ideas still pop into my head.  And yet I let myself become so easily distracted by nonsense.  In the midst of all this, I've decided to try and shed a few pounds.  I'd like to weave a walk into all this to help with my plan.  So far, I haven't done it.  Maybe I should make April all about me month.  Focus on art, writing, eating healthier, and start walking.  Easy to say, harder to do.  Let's see what happens in the next 30 days.