Monday, May 14, 2018

Pain Flares and Things

I've come to the conclusion that things just never go the way you plan or hope they will.
It's just a sad reality of things, especially in this day and age.

I am fairly certain I have Fibro.  I do know I have Chronic Pain.  But the more I learn about Fibro, the more it seems like that is also what's going on. Throw in a little PTSD or C-PTSD and anxiety, things are really fun.  But I can't let it all control me or my life. 

I've had a not so fun couple of weeks of bumping into things, which has left colorful bruises in various places.  These bumpings have triggered other not so fun pain events.  Including the one I am experiencing now with pain from my neck to my tail bone, turning my head to one side is awful, add in my constant hip pain.  New to the mix is the pain in my hands even when I am idle.  

Emotionally, I am trying to keep it together. Crying or getting angry won't help or fix things.  Things just are what they are.

Yesterday, being Mother's Day made me miss my Grandma more than the usual.  But it also made me think of my mom, something I don't do very often.  In my thinking about her, I think I sort of understand her in a way I didn't before.  A little scary, but also felt like a revelation.  I'll never know if I am right in what I am thinking, but it is somewhat of a comfort.  And a belief I can accept, to a point.  Some of what she did was inexcusable and unwarranted.  But if I am right, even partially, it does explain a lot.  In many ways, my sister was the lucky one I think.

But oh well, it is what it is, as the saying goes.

Hope all the moms had a great mother's day.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

What's New?

I feel like no one uses Blogger anymore.  So many I have been following since I started this blog have quit.  It's sad really. Gone are the mornings I would get up and grab a cup of coffee, check my email, then come here to read everyone's daily posts.  So few keep their blogs up to date on here anymore.  I'm guilty too, though, aren't I? Seeing as I haven't posted here since January.

December, Mom and Dad T. bought the house.  It was a nice Christmas present for them.  They went through a lot of needless crap to get this place with people not following through, repeatedly asking for the same paperwork, waiting for the property to get properly split.  Almost 6 months of back and forth!  

January, Mom T. had a knee replacement.  She suffered a set back midway through PT.  They got worried it was a clot and got an emergency ultrasound done. Thankfully there wasn't one.  So the strange pain was a mystery, still is but at least it is gone.  She is doing a lot better now, even improvement on her extension at the last PT visit.

Outside of that, February and March were fairly uneventful.  Just living life, waiting for Spring. Grateful we didn't have the Snowpocalyps 2.0 everyone predicted.  

Towards the end of March, I received an unexpected message on Facebook.  My sister reached out to me after almost 10 years.  She wants to trace the family tree.  I struggled some with this.  But in the end, after a lot of thinking, I told her I'd help her and answer what I could for her.  She didn't choose to be adopted, she has a right to know where she came from. She asked if I had photos to share as well.  Thank goodness for the digital age in that regard.  I did have to tell her that my (our) mom died four years ago.  I didn't tell her at the time for several reasons.  I don't know if this is going to open communications with us or not, but I'm prepared either way. (I Think.)

That brings us to April.  Isn't March supposed to be the windy month?  Well around here, April is really bringing the wind.  We had a wild windstorm two weeks ago.  Had some 60+ mph gusts come up, which split a tree. Which then fell on the roof and partially into the kitchen.  I was out in front of the house trying to grab up roof shingles that were getting blown off and dodging twigs and small branches.  I had no idea what happened until Mom T. pulled me into the house.  It looked like an avalanche with all the insulation covering much of the kitchen floor, counters, and stove.  We had to go a whole day with the limb on the house before a company came out and removed it.  Then we had to have tarps and such put up to keep rain out.

The adjuster has been out, they've estimated the work. Tomorrow the other half of the tree will be  cut down :(  Hopefully the guy will be coming out to measure the trusses so they can start building them.  By the time they are done, we will have a new roof with at least 2-3 trusses replaced, a new ceiling in half the house, and they will paint the ceiling in all the connected rooms. So everything but the bedrooms is getting a coat of paint.

This isn't anything I have ever been through. But I used to be a licensed P & C agent, so I can at least help navigate a little bit.  It is definitely a learning experience for all of us.

I'm finally getting around to reading Women Who Run With The Wolves.  A friend of mine is hosting a read and discuss over 20 weeks with a group of 40 other beautiful women.  I've only had the book for about 2 years now.  But it feels like it is time.  As the Universe would have it, if I was unsure, just to let me know I was on the right track I found an online class/seminar hosted by Gail Jessen.  SO YES!  IT IS TIME!

Time to find the Wild Woman, La Loba.  To gather the Bones.  I'm curious though of what she is known as in the Celtic Tradition and in Eastern European/Slavic Paganism.  I don't think I am asking the right question in Google. 

So that's it, that's what's new in my neck of the woods.  Hope all is  well with all of you. Until next time!

Monday, January 15, 2018

The Cranberries - Linger RIP Dolores O'Riordan

I used to love this song back then.

The lead singer passed away at the age of 46.  That's only a two years younger than me.

I can't help but get tears in my eyes listening to it now.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

When the Rain Comes

I was watching the recent episode of Criminal Minds tonight. This was the closing song.

It's hauntingly beautiful. I thought I would share it.

Monday, January 1, 2018

And Happy New Year!

We made it!  Hello 2018!

I have been trying to decide what to do with this blog.
Keep it going?
Retire it?
I just don't know.
To let it go, would be hard.  So I can't do that. I won't, nope.
I guess for now, I will just try to post as regularly as I can.

I got to welcome in the New Year with a pain flare that started on the 30th.
Yesterday was just painful, physically.
Today was a little better for awhile, but the pain is flaring up again.
Ibuprofen and Tylenol don't even touch it, so I don't bother.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

Did you see the Super Moon?
Oh my She was glorious!
Quite cold out there, though
But I braved it just to snap a few photos.
Cold didn't help the pain, I can tell ya that.
But I had to see Her rising.

I did manage to create today.
That's a good start.
I wanted to write, but I can't decide on what I want to write about.
So other than blogging, no other writing was done.
I wanted to make art, again couldn't decide what to do, where to start.
I did put a coat of paint on the top of what will be my Wish Box, that was
a Yule gift from my cousin.  I'm still not quite sure how I want to decorate it.
But I figured I could at least get started on painting it.

I wanted to go out and take some pictures today.
But again, the cold. Brrrrrrrrrr!
And of course being in pain + cold = hell no.
I hate that the pain is keeping me from doing shit.
I hate that I can't handle the cold like I used to.

But I did finally master the Granny Square!
I learned to crochet when I was 11. My aunt taught me.
I learned the chain, single crochet, and double crochet.
Maybe even the triple? I can't remember though. So basic
stitches learned. Tried to move on to making a Granny Square.
If I knew that, then I could make things.  Well, I couldn't. Every
time I tried, my square turned into a ball. My cat ended up with lots of toys.

I was rather excited to have learned to crochet, so as soon as I was home from
visiting with my aunt over the summer I couldn't wait to tell the little old neighbor
lady.  She crocheted too.  I showed her what I learned to do. And told
her how I couldn't make the darn Granny Square.  She too, tried to teach it to me.
And again and again and again....I failed at it.
After awhile, I gave up. I would come back to it every now and then. Try and fail.
Try and fail.  Give it up, try and fail. Rinse, repeat.

Now here we are....37 years later. And there is a year long challenge/project that started
today. Make one Granny Square a day.  Oh Geez!  My Nemesis!  Granny, I thought,
you're going down!  So I Goggled Granny Squares for Beginners.  Lots of hits, some were definitely not for beginners. Not that I am a beginner at crochet, but the Square was another story.
I finally came across I pattern I thought I could manage.
Yarn - check   Hook - check  Determination - check.  Okay good to go.
Make my foundation chain, join at the slip knot. So far so good. Start the double crochets into
the circle. Okay not bad. First round is done. Hey look a little square! YAY me!
Read the next steps...and second round done, but wait something's wrong.
Go on to the third round because I can't figure out if I messed up and.......Now my square is a bowl.
WTF!  Reread directions, I think I did it all right. But I still have a bowl.

Okay, try again.  Unravel it all, redo the chain, join it. Redo the first round. So far so good.
Second round, and.........we have the beginnings of a bowl. Damn it! For the life of me,
I cannot figure out where the mistake is. I swear I am following the directions properly. But
still, I am messing up somewhere.  I post a picture to a FB group I am in that is working on this
challenge. But they aren't quite sure where my mistake is either. So they pointed me to a couple
of YouTube channels to check out. And then I think I noticed where I was messing up after watching
one of the videos.

So I unraveled down to the first round and then started round two following the video. On to
round three and lo and behold....after 37 years I finally made a Granny Square. A little sloppy,
but I made one all the same.  After I made it, I went back to the directions of the one I was reading and realized she wasn't quite clear on making the corners on the second round. So if you are reading and doing it as you go, you will make the mistake. It's not clarified until the very very end of
her post.  At least she got me started off. And some lovely UK vloggers got me finished on my
first ever Granny Square.

I have since made a second one following the other beginner pattern. Which I think in
some ways is just a little easier, if I can keep the counts going in my head. So now I have 2
completed squares and I am beyond happy to finally learn how.  I don't see myself
making fancy ones anytime soon.  I will be happy enough to do the basic ones.

Hope all of you have had a great start to the new year.

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Last Post of 2017

Well folks........we made it through another year.  Hard to believe that in a few short hours it will be a whole new year.  Here's to hoping that things are a hell of a lot better for everyone. I know lots of folks just had a rough year and can't wait for it to be over.

I've been looking at some of the new year forecasts for Scorpio and they all look positive so far.  Many of them are saying it is my year! That it will be a lucky year.  Some are saying I will start off the year being introspective, which really seems appropriate since I have had that go inward feeling. Been thinking about a lot of things like why I feel the way I do about certain things and people, certain events. I've been wondering why I can't remember certain things that happened.  What I want for myself in the new year. What I want to accomplish. What I want to let go of. What I want to release me.

Since my last post, I have been going over in my head what my word of the year would be. I was open to the possibility of more than one word.  I was willing to settle on the word ENOUGH.  But just as I was coming to that decision, I started to feel like it was wrong.  Not that it isn't a good word or good choice, because it would be appropriate. It just felt like it was supposed to be another word.

The last day or so, the word SELF kept coming to me.  And that seems more like it.  I have struggled so much with Self-love, Self-care, Self-acceptance.  I feel like I need this year to be a Self-ish year, to make it all about me. What do I want? What makes me happy? What do I want more of? Less of? 

I don't want another year of wishing I had done this or that.  I am already going to miss out on many of the classes I want to take this year because I don't have the money to do them.  I wanted to do Book of Days and Moonshine with Effy Wild, I wanted to do LifeBook with Willowing.  I wanted to do Pull Pen Paint. And Wanderlust. And and and and so many others. And those are just the art classes I wanted to do! 

Well I can either spend my days crying over what I am missing out on or I can be productive. Utilize free classes and YouTube. I can work on Effy's Bootcamp and go through BOD 2017 which I had via a scholarship.  I can do 85k90 for writing as well as Camp NaNo, and of course NaNo in November. I can do the free challenges like 52 photos. Or a year of granny squares. I'm trying to find the positive instead of focusing on what I think I am missing out on.  I want 2018 to be a year of doing, seeing, learning, growing, loving.  I want it to be an action year!  I don't want to be posting here a year from now and saying all the shit I didn't do (again).

As of this moment, in my corner of the woods, we are 7 hours and 55 minutes from the new year.  That is 12 new chapters, 365 new pages in this story of life. Let's make them good ones!

Happy New Year!!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Searching For My Word

We are 12 days from Christmas and 19 (?) days from the start of the New Year.

About this time of year, I start to ponder a word to bring me into the New Year. Something to focus on, strive for, bring to life throughout the year. I discovered this idea back in 2010, I think it was. It was that year that I picked a word for 2011. My word then was FREEDOM. And Oh My! I lived my word that year.

Since then, I have chosen a word every December. Not all of them had the same impact as that first one.  Last year, I chose DREAM. And while I did do quite a bit of dreaming, not much was brought to life.

As we day by day, draw 2017 to a close I am searching for my word for 2018. I have a list I have been putting together, possible words. I found several new to me words, a couple have potential to be a the top of the list.

  • NOVATURIENT: (adjective) Desiring or seeking powerful change in one's life, behavior, or situation. (note: I have done a bit of research on this word and a few sites claim it is not a "real" word. So finding a synonym for it is impossible.)
  • AUTOTELIC: A person who is motivated by the deeper inner rewards of creativity, immersion, and "flow".
  • QUERENCIA: A place where one feels safe, a place from which one's strength of character is drawn. The place where you are your most authentic self.
  • METANOIA: The journey to changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.
They all have some poetic-ness to them, but I also want something that is always in the back of mind within reach. Because these words are so unique, I am afraid I will easily forget it on a daily basis.

Then there is the list of "normal" word choices:

I know that there really isn't a hard fast rule that says I can't have more than one word. Like let's say I choose NAVIGATE and ANCHOR, for example. So more than one is always an option like when I chose Creative Alchemy a while back.

But the last few weeks I have been feeling the need to draw INWARD. Now, I don't know if it is a temporary thing or something I need to do for the year. But another word is coming up to that isn't on the list yet, and that word is ENOUGH. All this year, the last several years, and if I am honest most of my life I have struggled with feeling like I am enough. That feeling of not being, of lacking, of being less reared it's head again a few days ago.

Part of me is beginning to think that I need to tackle that head on.  To work on self love, self care, self acceptance. To stop worrying if I am not ENOUGH or if I am TOO MUCH for some people. I feel like I need to come to some terms with  what does being ENOUGH feel like. I am ENOUGH for me?

I will sit with my list for as long as I need, adding or subtracting possible words. Seeing which one or ones fit for 2018. Hopefully I will find it before the new year begins.

How about you? Have you picked your word(s) yet? I would love to hear your choices if you have or your nominees if you are still deciding.