Saturday, September 22, 2018

I Didn't Tell

There is so much rising up in me.  Anger. Frustration. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety (that I am trying to keep bottled).  And more.  I believe Dr. Ford.  And every other girl/woman that was assaulted or an assault was attempted on. It's horrifying and disgusting that we are still living in an age where women are doubted. Called liars.  Victimized for being a victim. Blamed. UGH! It makes me want to scream!!

The first time, that I remember. I was about 10.  It was a second cousin. We were approximately the same age (11 months apart).  He wanted us to sleep in the same bed.  We were visiting my aunt who was his grandmother.  They allowed, the adults.  It seemed harmless.  He kept talking about how he wanted us to get married  when we were old enough.  Then he kept wanting to kiss me.  The adults kept coming in and telling him/us to go to sleep. But every time they left the room, he started back up again with the talking and wanting to kiss.  Finally they separated us.  He blamed me.  That it was my fault he had to sleep elsewhere. He stayed mad at me for a long time after that.  Years later, I found out that a couple years after that incident with me, he did it to my cousin. And in her case, tried to touch her or maybe he did. I don't think she told either. 

The next time, I was 11.  He was an adult.  He stopped when I yelled.  He tried to brush it off as nothing.  My mother was in the room, doing dishes at the sink.  She spun around and told him if he ever tried again, she'd do something to him.  Probably threatened to castrate him, I can't remember.  I told his mother what happened.  She said I had to be mistaken.  He was my father after all. My doubter, my grandma.  :(

Fast forward to I am 16. He was my boyfriend.  He was already physically abusive on more than one occasion.  I was virgin.  He raped me in my room.  I told him no.  I told him to stop.  I think I screamed.  A mutual friend was in another room.  He didn't do anything.  Acted like he didn't hear it.  I didn't tell.  I felt like no one would believe me.  Every time I tried to end things, my mother pushed us back together even though she knew he was abusive to me.  He was the son of her best friend in high school.  All the cops in town knew him and his brother.  They wouldn't have believed me either, or his brother would have made it go away.

Again, I'm 16.  I have my first migraine.  I was supposed to babysit, but couldn't go.  I was going to cancel but my mother offered to go in my place.  The people weren't thrilled, but agreed. While she was gone, my father was drinking with my boyfriend and another of our friends.  At some point, my father came into my room and started berating me for not going to babysit.  Then it was like a switch was flipped and he was not really seeing me.  He came at me like he wanted to do something sexual.  I kept yelling at him to stop, to go away.  He kept moving closer.  I slapped him and it was like he 'woke up'.  My the guys slipped him something. I will never know.  But they ignored my cries too.  Neither one came to help me.  When I finally told again his mom (my grandma) once again she didn't believe me.

A year later it was a stranger on the train that tried to grab my lady bits.  The train was crowd with morning commuters.  This guy found me every time for several days and on more than one day would try to fondle me.  I finally said very loudly that he needed to keep his hands to himself.  I never saw him again.

Several months later, working at a new job in a fast food chain it was one of my managers.  He would get handsy.  Not just with me, but several other female co-workers.  More than one of us told him to knock it off.  He treated it like a joke.  He would grab an arm, rub a shoulder, try to pull you in for a hug.  I went to our general manager with a complain. At least he took it seriously.  The offender was warned on more than one occasion to keep his hands to himself.  I ended up making a formal complaint.  I think maybe a couple of others did too.  The company moved him to a different store.

I didn't report because no one would believe me.  I was just over reacting, misunderstanding, confused, etc.  Even now.  All these years later.  When ever I talk about one of these incidents, I feel doubted. Like I am still not believed.  Like the listener thinks I am making it up.  That I'm crazy, that it's all in my head.   Even writing this, I can hear those nay sayers saying these things.  That I asked for it some how. That I should have expected it.  That I'm blowing things out of proportion.  Guys will be guys.  To just get over it, move on.

Maybe some day, hopefully in my lifetime we will be believed.

Friday, September 21, 2018

House Keeping

I did some renovations on the blog page today.  Hopefully I have cleaned it up a bit.  And after the last several years of having the same theme background I finally changed it. I don't know if elements on the blog and backgrounds are still as customizable as they were back in the day.  So I am going with a standard background and just customized the color itself.  I think I want to still make some tweaks here and there, but for now this will do.

I wish I could edit my blog address to my blog name.  But the combos offered just don't sit will with me, and straight up "forgotten muse" seems to be taken. 

I've been thinking about adding a tab or two, or are they called pages? to the blog.   Maybe one to share photos or art I've made.  I have toyed with this idea for ages, I just can't bring myself to do it. Not yet anyway.

One of the things I eliminated was the blog badges.  Many of the ones I had were no longer blogging, a couple of links were broken.  So I decided to take those down and instead replace with my NaNo participation badges. 

I also discovered that the music mixer that was on here once upon a time was also broken.  I didn't even realize it until today and then I almost couldn't figure out how to delete it.  I had a word counter from a forever ago project that I also didn't know how to edit, so that went too.

As always, this blog is ever a work in process.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Never Forget

My heart is heavy as I remember this day.
I remember it so vividly as if it was only yesterday.
It's hard to believe today marks 17 years.

No matter where I may live
No matter where I may roam
My heart will always belong to NYC
It will always be my home.

Friday, September 7, 2018

Processing Overload

All the big words are overwhelming.
When I start to Google search, I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole.

I got my lab results yesterday.
The amazing news is, my sugar was good. With a family history of Diabetes this was
a relief to hear.  I know things could be different somewhere down the line.  But for now, this is a win I will take.
On the other hand, my cholesterol is elevated and my triglycerides are at 251.  I discovered that being on birth control or other medications could in fact raise your triglycerides, so that would explain that somewhat.  I don't know why my cholesterol is high. I don't eat a lot of fried foods or tons of gravy laden foods.  I guess we tend to eat a lot of processed foods from time to time, and I am a soda fiend. Though, if I put my mind to it I can be quite successful at cutting back or stop drinking it all together.

I'm grateful for the fact my doctor is wanting me to try lowering it with diet first.  I was told to lower my fat intake and lower my animal products intake.  Not 100% sure what that second part means exactly. But as memory serves my aunt said she lowered hers by eating more fish and chicken and by cutting out or heavily back on red meats.

I love chicken, turkey, and most fish/shellfish.  I've been diving down the rabbit hole that is Google to see what foods I can turn to that will help me lower this.  Beans, beans, beans seem to be the top of the list.   There seems to be some conflict between white rice vs brown rice.  Of course the age old argument whether butter is good or bad.  FYI: I will not give up the butter!!!  I'm willing to cut back though.

So far it seems the consensus is to go vegetarian, flexitarian, or Mediterranean.  All of which I can do easily enough.  The downside is that several things suggest Tofu and soy products as a meat replacement.  I am allergic to Tofu/soy and can't do that.  Most also suggest adding more nuts into your diet, again I'm stuck thanks to a nut allergy.  And then adding more fruit.  I love fruit, I do. But I cannot eat most raw fruits like apples, pears, peaches. I'm fine with bananas, grapes, grapefruit, strawberries, blueberries.  It's the same with some raw veggies, but if things are cooked then I don't usually have a problem unless there is another ingredient I am sensitive or allergic too.

I am also allergic to oats and so many things suggest adding oatmeal to your diet. Oddly though, I can eat Cheerios. But put oats or oatmeal in something and I start having trouble breathing and get itchy and start swelling in my mouth and throat. 

Then there's eggs....eggs are good, no eggs are bad.  Only eat egg whites, no yolks are fine but no more than 3 times a week.

Or how about avocado....yes yes eat more, no no limit how much you have.

Lots of helpful but at the same time conflicting information out there.   I was offered no diet plan or suggestions other than what I mentioned above low fat/animal products.  So research and read it is.

Wednesday, September 5, 2018

Midweek Musings

I've been trying to come up with catchy weekday titles to use when I don't have specific one in mind. So far, no luck LOL

The day after the visit pain was really hurty.  It hurt to sit, stand, lay down, walk. I broke down and took a pain pill which made me sleepy and a little loopy.  I can deal with sleepy, loopy not so much.  I don't like that feeling, probably why I don't drink myself drunk. How do people enjoy that?  It feels so shitty. I think I'll just stick to Tylenol even if I feel like it's not helping.

Wrist is still hurting.  Ring finger and pinky along with it. He, the young doctor, said I had some weakness in my hands.  I don't know what that means though.

I went in for my fasting labs yesterday.  It took 3 girls and 30 minutes to get a vein that wouldn't roll away.  And that was only for 1 vial!  I asked if he was checking my thyroid as well.  Cuz you know, I figured with all my complaints about pain and such he might want to look at some other things.  But, no. He's just doing Cholesterol and Sugars.  Which is fine and dandy, but since he also never had labs on me wouldn't it have been a good idea to check other stuff?

Now, I am waiting for the results and wondering am I going to get an everything is fine or is it going to be like my xrays were.

I'm not a fan of going to the doctor and taking meds.  I don't know who is.  But I can certainly understand why people avoid going all together.  Gone are the days where your doctor actually listens to you and takes the time with you.

In other musings.....

I found out over FB that my oldest got engaged.   If I didn't see the photos on my youngest's page, I wouldn't know about it.  She isn't speaking to me (the oldest) and has even unfriended me on FB. When I last spoke to them, she never once said she was mad at me or anything.  In the seven years I've been gone, she has not called me one time. The youngest has called me a few times, but not once did the oldest. I even found out she was dating via FB.  Any big thing in their life, I only find out if I happen to see it on FB.  When ever I call there, I feel like I am bothering them.  They hardly pay attention to the conversation and go about doing things and talking to each other like I'm not even on the phone.  When I left, I was open with them about the leaving and why.  They both had the opportunity to go with me.  I gave them a choice.  They were both old enough.  They both chose to stay.

People back there, that don't know me at all don't like me because of whatever  version of the truth they have been told.  So I guess I've been labeled as the toxic person.

My entire life has been one giant gaslighting session.  I was not good enough for my mother, I was not good enough for HIM.  I constantly had to prove my worth.  Prove that I was good enough, that I was not a fuck up, that I wasn't stupid.  But not matter how hard I tried, there was always something else to fight to prove.  Then, at least with HIM, I was crazy. You needed meds, you needed a shrink, you heard it wrong, and on and on.

I am at the point in my life where you know what, I'm going to be 49 years old.  Life is too short.  If making me be the bad guy helps you sleep at night, more power too ya.  I'm too tired of fighting to make people see me for who I am and not the labels others have put on me.   It's just like people that think I am just like my mother.  I'm at the fuck it point.  You wanna judge me on what she said and did, go for it.  More power too ya.  I'm tired of jumping through hoops, dancing a jig, and kissing ass just to prove something to them.

Either take the time to actually get to know me and my story or take your closed minded judgemental self elsewhere.  I'm tired of pleasing people.  I'm tired of living my life for other peoples pleasures and happiness.  When do I get to be happy? 

Saturday, September 1, 2018

Saturday Summary

Sounds better as Sunday Summary, but it's Saturday so I'm going to roll with it.

We finally, FINALLY got some cooler temps.  It's nice.  There were a couple of days here I needed a sweatshirt and I can wear my jeans.  But there's a 93 coming midweek and I don't know about afterward.  I know Summer isn't over yet.

Momma T is going to be having her other knee replaced.  This one is worse, but the other knee was more of a priority. But doc said it's time, so they are going to get it scheduled.  She's looking forward to being pain free, but not looking forward to all the down time. And it's her driving leg, so she won't be able to drive for awhile.

I had to go in for a check up yesterday.  I hadn't been in over a year.  I went in resigned to be in and out in 10 minutes, without asking any questions because they get pushed aside by the "so when are you getting your teeth taken care of" spiel. 

To my surprise, my appointment ended up being almost an hour!  There is a student doctor shadowing the PA there.  He came in and saw me first.  He said he reviewed my chart and looked at my x-rays and wanted to know how my pain was. So I let him have it!  I told him all about how it's not any better, how I'm having flairs, pain and cramping in my hand and legs. 

He then told me about things that were seen on my x-ray that I was told were fine.  WAIT!  WTF?  I was shocked to find out I have bone spurs in my back at the lumbar and sacral regions.  Then he was tossing out words like early degeneration and myelitis, some thing about the discs I think.  He also mentioned neuropathy. 

So I took the chance to ask him about Fibro.  He said he doesn't know enough about it, just that it is a disease that is getting a lot of fanfare lately.  And since he is still learning, he didn't feel comfortable addressing it but would ask the PA.  And the young doctor said he couldn't rule it out, but it is a process of elimination disease.  They would need to rule out other things with similar symptoms.  So it's not a no, still a maybe.

For now then, I guess it's chronic pain, neuropathy, some kind of myelitis, early degeneration, and early arthritis.  I told them I wanted to avoid meds if I could. So the next answer was physical therapy.  Well I don't have money for that either!!! No money, no insurance.  The young doctor, when he was alone with me again, suggested yoga.  I wouldn't mind trying, I have all sorts of dvds on it.  But, I'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself.  He also told me if I feel strongly about Fibro, that I should insist on getting checked for it.

Bottom line is, I have stuff going on that I didn't know about that is contributing to my pain.  I was told my xrays we fine and they weren't.  I feel deceived. I don't like that everytime I go in, no matter why I am there it comes back to my teeth.  Like I don't know they need taken care of!!!  Hello, it's in my mouth, I live with it every day.  He's like a dog with a bone and won't let it go.  He asked me again a couple of times at this visit and I told I'll do it when I hit the lotto. He thinks I'm brushing it off, but I have no money and no insurance to do it.  I'm have extreme anxiety with dental stuff and will need to be knocked out and not just the "Sweet Air" stuff.

This is where I am all for Universal coverage.  Then I can see a doctor of my choice and maybe even get my teeth taken care of on my terms.

Some times I feel like this PA is being rather judgemental of me because not having a job, or money, or insurance.  He doesn't know my story.  He never even asked. 

Friday, August 24, 2018

My Heart Hurts Today

My heart is breaking all over again today.  It will be a miracle if I can get through it without crying at some point. 

A year ago today, my sweet beautiful fur baby died in my arms.  We tried to rush to the vet, but we didn't make it passed the end of the driveway. 

Your little life was cut short, way too soon.  Why did you choose me, if you were only going to leave  me? 

I was there shortly after you were born. I feel in love with and your siblings.  When you first opened your eyes, you chose me. The joy I would get from your little face when I saw how excited you were to see me was nothing I ever experienced before. The way you would curl up in my lap or next to me when I was doing something was like nothing any of the others did.  You didn't pester, you kept me company.  I miss how you would bury your face in my hair and sleep on my shoulder.

I miss everything about you, my sweet girl.  I don't think I can do it, make it through the day without crying.

I miss you so very much my sweet Sylvie.   (May 26, 2017 - August 24, 2017)  This hurts!