Friday, November 2, 2018

I'm Back....I Think

Well, I sort of feel human again.  But not quite 100%.

I came down with that cold going around about three weeks ago.  After a week of it, I started to feel a bit better so I went out.  I wanted to go to a particular craft store before Mom T. had her knee surgery.  And I wanted to make sure I got to go early vote. Which we did!  Thankfully.

I ended up getting worse after going out and was even "sick" if you can call it that on my birthday this past Sunday.  Made the best of it though. I got a bunch of Sloth themed stuff which made my day.

I still have this dry-ish cough and my ears feel like I am underwater.  My chest and back, between my shoulders, hurt from all the coughing.  Though that could also be part of the chronic pain or both.  It's a bit hard to tell honestly.

I have been working at keeping my fluids up.  I have drunk so much water in the last couple of weeks I'm surprised I'm not waterlogged! LOL

I gave up soda about two moths ago? Did I tell ya?  The craving it is getting better.  Even with three twelve packs about four feet away, I haven't really been tempted.  I've switched to the flavored seltzers and sparkling waters. Being under the weather, even that didn't sound great.  BUT....when I was out a couple of weeks ago, I had a chance to try one of those health chairs in Walmart that check BP and weight and such.  And according to it, I lost 4 pounds!  And all I did was quit soda!  Who knew?!  I probably did, but SODA! 

My friend wants me to ditch the seltzer and sparkling waters too.  She says the carbonation is bad for your bones.  I dunno.  I like them.  And I have several cans to drink.  I can't just give those up right now because I'm the only one who even drinks them.  Maybe I'll give it some research and thought.

Speaking of thoughts.  I feel like turning 49 has triggered something in me.  Like why do I keep holding on to things and people. Especially people that I feel like couldn't give two shits about me.  Or people that still make me feel like I have to fit into a certain box for them.  Why do I keep trying to figure out how be accepted by people who I have never felt I was accepted by in the first place? Am I saying that right?  I dunno.   I just feel like there are people I hold on to for one reason or another, that don't even give me a passing thought.  I'm having a lot of "I was there when you needed me but that's the only time you know/knew me" type feelings.  Maybe it's just a partial OMG next year I'll be 50! thing too....I dunno. 

NaNo started yesterday. And this post is the most I've written.  Great start eh?  It's all good, it's early and there's plenty of time to catch up.

Mom T. had her knee replacement surgery on Monday.  So I've been busy helping take care of her and staying on top of her pain meds and such.  She's doing quite well.  In some ways, I think she is doing better than her surgery in January. We have already noticed some differences in the procedure between then and now.  Also her recovery seems better in many ways this time around.  Monday is the first post op appointment so well get an idea of how things are going.

Another chilly fall day with wind in the forecast and the rain has started.  At least it's not dark and dreary, at least not yet.

Have a great Friday!

Monday, October 8, 2018


This last week has been brutal.

I have been trying to push through it all.  Keep going, don't let it all get you down.

But I feel like I have been hit by a train.  Every morning for almost two weeks now starts out
with me feeling sore and stiff.    I don't know how successful I am at hiding how crappy I really
feel.  People don't want to hear it, ya know.

Today is now day four of the headache that won't go away.  I've been taking Advil migraine and it only just takes the edge off but doesn't make it go away.  And it hardly touches the other pains that run down my entire back.

I think most of it my body reacting to the events of the last couple of weeks.  Some of it is probably weather related.  We've had several overcast days and FINALLY had our first real rain since June.

I was just  reading an article that was shared on twitter about chronic pain.  And one of the points in the article is that doctors just don't want to deal with it.  I think that is what my doctor is doing.  I don't think he knows enough about Fibro to want to diagnose me and so he just leaves it as chronic pain and dismisses me like I don't know anything.  He's a PA, not an MD.  But I still thought they had to keep up with things and learn about the stuff their patients might get or have.  And if you don't know, then FFS refer them to someone who does.

An example is S has asthma.  He has inquired a couple of times about getting put on a different inhaler.  The PA says he isn't comfortable about prescribing it because he doesn't know enough about it.  Well shouldn't you be making an effort then to learn so you can help your patients?  Why would it be okay to keep them on something that is only partially helping?

I don't want to take the meds that would be prescribed for pain or Fibro.  I don't want to get hooked on anything and the side effects that they cause are too great a risk for me to take.  Not to mention the number of people that have said they felt worse taking the medications.  And that getting off them was another kind of hell.

I just feel like the events of recent have broke me.

Monday, October 1, 2018

Rabbit, Rabbit! Welcome October!

I can hardly even believe that it is October 1st! That we are now in the last three months of 2018.
Where on earth did the time go???

October means Preptober for NaNoWriMo.  I've never really participated in a Preptober, let alone really plan what I intend to write in November.  At this point, I still don't have a clue.  Just fleeting bits of ideas that escape me before I can nail them down.  So either it's not time for those ideas yet or I just need to start actually jotting stuff down as they pop into my head whether they are shitty or not.

I feel like October is the official start to the holiday season.  Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christimas/Yule.  The weather here  has definitely had a Fall vibe the last  couple of  weeks.  And looking ahead according to the NWS, the next 6-10 days are going to be cooler and wetter.

Aaaaaaaaaaand.....................It's my birthday month!

Maybe I should have led with that?  LOL!   I'm usually not one to get all "YAY IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"  I'd just as soon as let it slip by quietly.  But I'm turning 49 this year.  49 is the age my uncle (my father's brother) was when he died.  I also realized that my grandmother turned 49 just days after I was born.  My mother was approximately 49 when she threw my dad out for the last time. My dad was 49 when I moved away to Florida.

I have another post somewhere about how ominous 49 feels. And for the life of me, I cannot find it!  Maybe it was a comment I made on someone else's post last year? I dunno, but I swear I had a blog post about it.

I don't know if OMINOUS is the right word.  I guess maybe it feels like an ending on the road to a new beginning?  That maybe as I go through 49 it will lead to some great and amazing things.  That maybe I can and will get some closure on the past.

I was going to wait for another post, but I think I will just go ahead and write it here, now.  All this stuff the last few days with Dr. Ford has really opened up wounds that I thought healed but were actually perhaps just scabbed over.  I have felt so raw and wounded.  So angry and defensive.

Then there was the thing about going on a social media blackout going around and turning your profile photo to a black square for several hours. I couldn't do it, not that. To me, it was like just one more way for them to silence us, to make us hide, to make us  disappear. It was just one more way for them to target us.

And in the days before that, the posts about enablers.  The people that allowed the abuse to happen and did nothing to help.  Or those people that you went to in confidence and they didn't believe you, saying you must have it wrong, that they wouldn't do that. That you misunderstood.

I started thinking about how I get so hung up on loved ones that have passed and how they were the enables or the abuser.  How I've now forgiven them for what they have done.  But, are they worthy of my grief?  Are they still worthy of my love?  The love I gave without  question.  I feel like by me still venerating them, I am being dishonest with myself and subjecting myself to the abuse that happened years ago.   How do I reconcile that?  How do I allow myself to feel for those still living, whom I cried out to for help and dismissed me with the attitude of "You Made Your Bed".  When I was weak and vulnerable and scared and hurting, and I found the courage to ask for help and I was ignored, dismissed, the subject changed.

This is what I am struggling with right now.

Saturday, September 29, 2018

Ruffled Feathers and Feelings

Like most women  in the US that have experienced an assault, whether reported or not, I think we are all feeling all the feels with this case.  Some of us coming out for the first time and still not being believed. Or the old "boys will be boys" "suck it up and move on" attitudes are just too much anymore.

I don't talk much if at all about the things that happen to me.  And thanks to society and the ways of our world, I often have thoughts of "well maybe it was that bad"or "not as bad as it seemed at the time".  Of course there's the guilt of  what could I have done to prevent it from happening in the first place.

I often wonder why.  Why did it happen?  But more often I wonder why aren't we as victims turned survivors believed. Why do you doubt us??

I can't even stay on social media for long periods right now because it is all just too much.  I did not expect to feel this way.  I am angry.  I am edgy.  I feel like I need to be on my guard.  I feel anxious.  I feel like I just want to scream.  I feel like if  someone says the wrong thing that I will snap and just give them more than an earful.

So many of my online friends seem to be sharing the same thoughts and feelings.  Some can put what I am feeling into words better than I can even try to do.  I just can't find the words.

For all those people that just want the women to sit down and shut up and pretend it didn't happen because don't ruin the guy's life.  What if it was your daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, best friend?  What then?   Would you tell her to sit down, shut up, move on, pretend it didn't happen?  What about us?  Are our lives not ruined by the event(s), the assault(s) that happened to us?  What if it were you?   Would you feel the same if it happened to you?

Yesterday someone asked what all the hoopla was about with this judge.  I guess I got on a soap box.  Trying to give the short  version of what it was. But I guess it was too long, too "complicated".  I was then told by another person that the askee only wanted the short simple version. ..........There is no short simple version. And then the yes there is no there isn't banter started.

I'm sorry but there is no short simple version. Not from me.  I am not going to sugar coat it. 

I'm feeling triggered, raw, emotional.  I might not be shouting from a soap box, but if someone asks I will not be sugarcoating it.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

I Didn't Tell

There is so much rising up in me.  Anger. Frustration. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety (that I am trying to keep bottled).  And more.  I believe Dr. Ford.  And every other girl/woman that was assaulted or an assault was attempted on. It's horrifying and disgusting that we are still living in an age where women are doubted. Called liars.  Victimized for being a victim. Blamed. UGH! It makes me want to scream!!

The first time, that I remember. I was about 10.  It was a second cousin. We were approximately the same age (11 months apart).  He wanted us to sleep in the same bed.  We were visiting my aunt who was his grandmother.  They allowed, the adults.  It seemed harmless.  He kept talking about how he wanted us to get married  when we were old enough.  Then he kept wanting to kiss me.  The adults kept coming in and telling him/us to go to sleep. But every time they left the room, he started back up again with the talking and wanting to kiss.  Finally they separated us.  He blamed me.  That it was my fault he had to sleep elsewhere. He stayed mad at me for a long time after that.  Years later, I found out that a couple years after that incident with me, he did it to my cousin. And in her case, tried to touch her or maybe he did. I don't think she told either. 

The next time, I was 11.  He was an adult.  He stopped when I yelled.  He tried to brush it off as nothing.  My mother was in the room, doing dishes at the sink.  She spun around and told him if he ever tried again, she'd do something to him.  Probably threatened to castrate him, I can't remember.  I told his mother what happened.  She said I had to be mistaken.  He was my father after all. My doubter, my grandma.  :(

Fast forward to I am 16. He was my boyfriend.  He was already physically abusive on more than one occasion.  I was virgin.  He raped me in my room.  I told him no.  I told him to stop.  I think I screamed.  A mutual friend was in another room.  He didn't do anything.  Acted like he didn't hear it.  I didn't tell.  I felt like no one would believe me.  Every time I tried to end things, my mother pushed us back together even though she knew he was abusive to me.  He was the son of her best friend in high school.  All the cops in town knew him and his brother.  They wouldn't have believed me either, or his brother would have made it go away.

Again, I'm 16.  I have my first migraine.  I was supposed to babysit, but couldn't go.  I was going to cancel but my mother offered to go in my place.  The people weren't thrilled, but agreed. While she was gone, my father was drinking with my boyfriend and another of our friends.  At some point, my father came into my room and started berating me for not going to babysit.  Then it was like a switch was flipped and he was not really seeing me.  He came at me like he wanted to do something sexual.  I kept yelling at him to stop, to go away.  He kept moving closer.  I slapped him and it was like he 'woke up'.  My the guys slipped him something. I will never know.  But they ignored my cries too.  Neither one came to help me.  When I finally told again his mom (my grandma) once again she didn't believe me.

A year later it was a stranger on the train that tried to grab my lady bits.  The train was crowd with morning commuters.  This guy found me every time for several days and on more than one day would try to fondle me.  I finally said very loudly that he needed to keep his hands to himself.  I never saw him again.

Several months later, working at a new job in a fast food chain it was one of my managers.  He would get handsy.  Not just with me, but several other female co-workers.  More than one of us told him to knock it off.  He treated it like a joke.  He would grab an arm, rub a shoulder, try to pull you in for a hug.  I went to our general manager with a complain. At least he took it seriously.  The offender was warned on more than one occasion to keep his hands to himself.  I ended up making a formal complaint.  I think maybe a couple of others did too.  The company moved him to a different store.

I didn't report because no one would believe me.  I was just over reacting, misunderstanding, confused, etc.  Even now.  All these years later.  When ever I talk about one of these incidents, I feel doubted. Like I am still not believed.  Like the listener thinks I am making it up.  That I'm crazy, that it's all in my head.   Even writing this, I can hear those nay sayers saying these things.  That I asked for it some how. That I should have expected it.  That I'm blowing things out of proportion.  Guys will be guys.  To just get over it, move on.

Maybe some day, hopefully in my lifetime we will be believed.

Friday, September 21, 2018

House Keeping

I did some renovations on the blog page today.  Hopefully I have cleaned it up a bit.  And after the last several years of having the same theme background I finally changed it. I don't know if elements on the blog and backgrounds are still as customizable as they were back in the day.  So I am going with a standard background and just customized the color itself.  I think I want to still make some tweaks here and there, but for now this will do.

I wish I could edit my blog address to my blog name.  But the combos offered just don't sit will with me, and straight up "forgotten muse" seems to be taken. 

I've been thinking about adding a tab or two, or are they called pages? to the blog.   Maybe one to share photos or art I've made.  I have toyed with this idea for ages, I just can't bring myself to do it. Not yet anyway.

One of the things I eliminated was the blog badges.  Many of the ones I had were no longer blogging, a couple of links were broken.  So I decided to take those down and instead replace with my NaNo participation badges. 

I also discovered that the music mixer that was on here once upon a time was also broken.  I didn't even realize it until today and then I almost couldn't figure out how to delete it.  I had a word counter from a forever ago project that I also didn't know how to edit, so that went too.

As always, this blog is ever a work in process.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Never Forget

My heart is heavy as I remember this day.
I remember it so vividly as if it was only yesterday.
It's hard to believe today marks 17 years.

No matter where I may live
No matter where I may roam
My heart will always belong to NYC
It will always be my home.