Thursday, April 29, 2010

Wishcast Wednesday-Invest

Late again, but I was feeling crappy yesterday...cramps, cramps and more cramps and feeling like my insides are falling out...and did I mention cramps? lol

Anyway the ever inspiring Jamie Ridler asks us this week: "What do you wish to invest?" Financially or otherwise...

Financially, I wish to invest in my learning. To becoming a Master Herbalist, to learning to be a writer. My finances are limited but with what I do have, that is how I wish to invest.

Otherwise, I wish to invest in ME. To invest the time in myself to relearn who I am, who I was, who I want to be (again).
To invest in my relationship with my beloved, to learn to stop pushing him away and embrace what we have.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

29 Years Ago Today...

Today is 29 years since my maternal grandmother passed away. I remember the events like it was yesterday. She'd been sick with flu like symptoms for a few days. She got up to use the rest room and was weak, my mom helped her to get there and sit on the toilet. She pitched forward and my mom caught her, and leaned her back when she noticed her lips turning blue. Mom called an ambulance that took her to the hospital. I wanted to go, I wanted to be with the rest of the family, but my mom sent me home with my dad. A few hours later around 8 pm my mom called to say my grandmother had passed. I was angry. I felt cheated. I felt lied to.

They told me she'd be fine, and that turned out to not be the case. She had a massive coronary. They had worked on her for several hours but to no avail. She was 75. If she was alive today, she'd be 104.

My beloved and I were talking about her a bit the other night. It was then that I actually realized that in my 11 years knowing her...Spending every Sunday and every holiday and everyday that I wasn't in school at her house...I have no memory of her ever cuddling me, hugging me or telling me she loved me. I know there was the mandatory kiss hello and good-bye from me, but there was never any loving grandmotherly kisses from her. Unlike my paternal grandmother...she showered me with affection often.

Two grandmothers and they were like night and day. I can only assume my maternal grandmother had any love for me, but I never heard it from her. I'm not sad about it or upset over was what it was. My paternal grandma gave me enough love that more than made up for it.

It's just that I realized that here was a woman I never really knew, and all I have are the stories I've heard about her. And the memories of her delicious cooking. That is probably my only regret, is not paying more attention when she cooked.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

It's Earth Day and Gizmo's Birthday

Happy Earth Day! I was barely 6 months old when the first Earth Day happened back in 1970. I can say that my parents weren't a part of it...though I did wear cloth diapers LOL. Who would have thought that 40 years later, I would turn out to be a tree hugger?

It's also our cat Gizmo's birthday. Well not his 'real' birthday, more like the his rescue birthday... He was found by my girls caught up in a soccer net that was wrapped around his neck and was choking him. He couldn't have been more than 6 weeks old or so at the time. To this day, his meow isn't as strong as it could be, but he does make himself be heard when he wants to. This cat has probably spent half his nine lives already with all he's been through...but he's a strong one and we love him to pieces. This is a photo my budding photographer took of him recently....Isn't he a beauty?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

How do I cut a hurtful person out of my life?

If you've read my post from a couple of days know I've been lied to by a person I allowed myself to trust at one time. His actions have affected me more than I thought they would. I can't get his most recent band of lies out of my head.

Thank you Debra and Rue for your advice. A part of me is agreeing with you, most of me is.

I am angry at him. I am hurt. I am angry at myself for allowing it. I could have just went on avoiding him, but I felt like I was running from a problem and not facing it. I thought if I faced him, if I told him what his actions did to me, it would be over and done with it and could move on with my life. I felt like avoiding a confrontation with him was preventing me from moving on completely.

I want/need to get this person out of my head now. It's weighing me down in ways I do not like. I just don't know how. I know that confronting him on these latest things will amount to nothing but more aggravation and frustration for me. I know that no matter what proof I throw at him, he will twist things around. I don't even think going to his girl friend would help.

I've thought of doing some sort of breaking the ties spell. But it has to be something simple as I've never cast any sort of spell (I'm sure spells I do on a character in World of Warcraft don't count :D LOL). I don't know of any, nor do I know where to look. All I know is I need to rid myself of him in my life. I need to move on and so does he with out me.

Wishcast Wednesday-Dare!

The ever thought provoking Jamie Ridler asks "What do you wish to dare?" This my friends is a good one, especially since most of the time my thought pattern is..."I wouldn't dare do/say/etc." And why shouldn't I? I know why I don't dare, it's out of fear of what others will think/say/do about me. I'm always trying to please others, be who they want me to be, do what they want me to do, say what they want me to say, think what they want me to think....You get the picture. And I'm tired of it! I just can't seem to break the cycle though, I feel weak and powerless to break it.

But if I could muster the strength, courage and energy to do so...I would:

Dare to be myself, to be me (who ever that is)
Dare to speak my mind.
Dare think my own thoughts.
Dare to stand up for myself (and others as deemed necessary).
Dare to follow my dreams.
Dare to dress how I want.
Dare to live my life my way.
Dare to believe in what I want to believe in.
Dare to fight for/support the causes I want to stand for.
Dare to write what I want to write, my way, my style...not caring if I do more telling than showing right now.
Dare to follow my path where ever it may lead, be it pagan, Wiccan, Druid, eclectic.
Dare to trust again.
Dare to love freely.

What's your dare? Feel free to challenge me with a dare if you care...I am sure it will help me find myself and help me to be free to be ME.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I Hate People That Lie To Me

I may have mentioned once or twice now how I hate people that lie to me. I think some people actually think I'm stupid and won't figure it out. Or they just don't care that they are lying to me, and figure that I won't call them out on it or I'll let them get away with it. I honestly don't know.

I've been so angry at this person the last few days, I can barely think straight. It's messing with my appetite, my sleep, everything basically. I don't know what to do about it. Part of me wants to just call them and tell them off, and the other part wants to just let it go. But letting it go means letting them get away with it.

Here's the short version...About 2 years ago, a friend and I got very close. I began to trust them a lot. He started talking about how he wanted us to be together, he'd help me get out of here and what not. Then, last January out of the blue with virtually no warning he ends things. Says he needs to move back home, find himself, deal with unfinished business (translation: attempt to get back with his ex), and he had no time for me. He told me to move on with my life, and that he was sorry to hurt me that way. But it was for the best if we parted ways.

So move on I did. I met my beloved. He understands all the hurt and pain I've been through. And over the course of the last year we've become quite close. He's been there for me through everything thus far. Well, shortly after he and I got together, someone that knows all three of us decided to tell the Liar. And he would call me and text me constantly, grilling me and accusing me of things. This went on for months, I tried blocking him but I must have done something wrong because it didn't work. So I just started ignoring him...and by October after telling me he was a father, he seemed to give up. Until about a week ago.

I figured that my ignoring him was just running from a problem that needed to be faced sooner or later. So I answered his texts...and then he called when I told him I didn't appreciate being his back up plan. Come to find out, that he was hanging out with his current girl friend while he was calling and badgering me. He claims that the babies were the result of a one night stand. A lot of this was adding up, so once I knew when the babies were born, I did the math and called him out on that stuff too. He kept denying it all. Now he says they both know the relationship is a mistake and they both want out and he wants me back. BUT...his facebook info says different. On there he says he has a wonderful girl friend that is also the mother of his babies.

There's stuff that still doesn't quite add up for me. Parts of the conversation keep playing over and over in my mind. I just don't know what to do about it.

And things get even stranger...the girl he is with...happens to be my beloveds ex-girl friend. They live on the west coast, he lives mid-west, and I'm east coast. So this is totally weird in the most unlikely of ways.

So what do I do? Do I confront him with the information that I know? Do I go back to ignoring him? Do I go to his girl friend and tell her? I just don't know.

Friday, April 9, 2010


So first, a couple weeks back I won the Path of the Soul Oracle Deck from Rue of Rue and Hyssop's give away. I have to say I LOVE LOVE LOVE these cards. I am new to reading cards so I'm still earning but I must say these cards were spot on the very first reading I did. And the cards are absolutely beautiful!

Then, a few days ago I found out that there was a giveaway of Maria Rodale's "Organic Manifesto" going on. I was thinking about getting the book, and lo and behold... I won 1 of the 10 copies they were giving away. It just came today. I can't wait to read it.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Organic Shopping Trip

So, for weeks now, I've been pushing to buy more organic. But "HE" insists we don't have to and/or it's too expensive. I however, keep insisting that we should at least check things out at the DeKalb Farmer's Market, at least for the sake of the girls. (I hate asking "HIM" for anything, but sometimes the only way to win is to say its for the girls, but anyway).

Well, I finally won the battle to go there. The place is HUGE! And it was packed. It's an international farmer's market, it was like the U.N. in there. People from all over the world shopping under one roof, with goods available from local, stateside and international.

In the produce, spice and dry goods area it was like being a kid in a candy store! Things looked really fresh and vibrant. I got some purple potatoes, a bunch of carrots in a variety of colors, and then a regular bunch, some beets, water cress, arugula, tomatoes, several spices, button and baby portabello mushrooms, some basmati rice. I picked up some Yellow Root, 2 kinds of honey from a local farm one wildflower the other orange blossom, a bottle of Agave, and some organic sugar.

The girls had a blast seeing everything. They were all can we get this or that and how about this. I was glad to see they were as excited as I was. "HE" said I was 'allowed' to spend 100 to 125 dollars, it came to 168 dollars. There's alot more I'd like to have gotten, but all in all I am pleased with my goodies. I know I could probably do better dollar-wise, but I was excited to be there and I didn't get to see the bakery goods or anything either.

"HE" promised another trip in a couple weeks or so...but I won't hold my breath. This trip alone took me over a month to get "HIM" to give in. See "HE" is trivializing this whole thing that I want to do, "HE" criticizes it, puts it down, makes comments that imply "HE" thinks it's just a fad for me.

Even if I had to endure a few hours out with "HIM", I'm not letting that take away from the fun I had at the store.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Wishcast Wednesday-Accomplish

I know I'm late, I meant to do this yesterday, but I got caught up with cooking dinner and doing some other things that I totally forgot to post.

So Jamie asks "What do you wish to accomplish?"

I thought wow for once an easy one :D. Besides all the little things and some not so little, some big even... I think the one thing I really want to accomplish is to become a Master Herbalist. Tie into that switching to an organic lifestyle, being more considerate of my environment - the world around me and the planet in general. But to complete Master Herbalist trying would be a great accomplishment for me, because it's something I WANT, not what someone else THINKS I should do.

Help Me Hatch My Dragons, Please

Hello fellow bloggers.
To the right, on my sidebar, you will see 2 eggs.
If I may be so bold as to ask for your assistance in helping me hatch them. All you need to do is simply click each egg.
The only catch, is this must be done in 7 days or they will die. :(

What can I say, I'm a sucker for web games. :D