Monday, January 11, 2016

I've Been Thinking

I seem to be doing A LOT of thinking lately.  I always seem to have thoughts of woulda, coulda, shoulda running through my head.  But it's the thoughts I night, when the house is all quiet and settling in to sleep.  The ones that keep me awake while the world around me falls into slumber.

I haven't been making art.  I haven't been writing.  I haven't been very creative in months (years).  I have a spurt here and there where I'll make a small thing or do an art journal page.  But it isn't any where near what I want to be doing.

In all my late night thinking, I started to realize that I was putting self imposed walls and barriers up for myself.  Usually starts with "I'm not good enough" or "Why bother, it'll be shit anyway."  Or go the other extreme and I see all these new and trendy art things going on, next I know I'm saying I want to do that and that and this and that.  I likened it to being at a buffet and going back to fill a plate sky high, yet I've not touched the plate I already have with ideas and projects I want to do or need to do.  Like paint the unfinished bookcase or repaint the dresser.  Pick a color for my room to be painted in.

It's probably a good thing I don't have any money, too, because I would be signing up for every workshop and online class that I could only dream of taking and then never get passed one lesson.  The other thing is I've got my craft stuff in like three different places.  So I need to organize a space, my space to where I can have the majority of it where I plan to be the most creative.  Duplicates of things like my oil pastels or small tubes of acrylic paints can be kept by my computer desk to play with whenever I might check out some Youtube art videos or a free video lesson on someone's website.

This brings me to finding my word of the year.  ACCEPTANCE!  Learning to accept me and love me as I am, flaws and scars...the shebang.  Accept that yes, my art might be shit right now, but that's okay.  I can't improve if I don't make anything and practice. Accept that I am enough, just as I am.  Accept that I may not belong, that I may not be a part of something and that it's okay.  Accept that I am still good enough even if I am not a part of said group or thing.  Their loss, not mine.

I will no longer push myself or impose myself to be a part of something or part of a group.  If I'm to be the outsider, so be it.  I choose to accept that I am not for everyone, no matter how hard I try.  Not everyone can handle or tolerate this loud and awkward girl from Brooklyn.  I'm loud, I can be obnoxious but you know what that's part of who I am.  Why do I have to change that?  I learned I had to be LOUDER to be heard, to be seen.  But if you don't want to see me or hear me no matter how loudly or softly I come across, that's your problem now not mine.  I will tone it down to where I'm not shouting from the rooftops to be recognized, but I will not change what is 'normal' for me.

That leads me to my phrase for the year.  LET THAT SHIT GO!  I need to let go of the hurts, the anger, the pain, the disappointment.  I need to let go of the past.  I need to stop letting it define me.  Learn from my mistakes, learn from the pain but move on.  Time to rewrite the story, time to rewrite my truth.  I'm a survivor, I'm a warrior, I'm not a victim anymore, I'm the child of the Goddess, I am holy, I am sacred. I am so much more than my past.  I AM ENOUGH!