Sunday, August 21, 2011

Learning Acceptance

That's what I've been dealing with lately. Learning acceptance, learning what it's like to be a part of a family that wants you there, that doesn't try to change you into something you're not. Learning that contributing to the household doesn't always mean financially.

And let me tell you, it's not an easy thing to learn. When you have been conditioned for so long that there is something wrong with who you are and that no matter how much or how hard you tried to become what someone else wanted you to be and it still wasn't enough. That the way you are (how you look, act, dress, eat, sleep, talk, etc) is now okay, it's enough...there's no need to change except to not go back to the fears and doubts and let them consume you. It's HARD! I have trouble understanding it, trouble wrapping my head around the whole idea that I am wanted and loved for who I am, the way I am.

There is a lot of reassurance and long talks going on. That this is not some fluke or some twisted game. That the rules aren't going to suddenly change mid game and that I'd suddenly be expected to change myself. The only changes that are expected of me is like I said that I don't go back to the dark places where fear and doubt reside, AND to make changes in myself that only I, ME MYSELF, want to make.

So the other thing I am learning is how to stay out of that dark place. Some days are easier than others. The hard days are usually the ones where I feel helpless because I cannot do more, when I want to help someone close to me because they are going through a rough time and I can't be there for them because they are so far away. But I'm learning, and I have a lot of support here especially from my Beloved and his Mom.

The lesson isn't just learning to accept how they all feel about me, it's also learning to accept myself as I am. And that no matter how much I want to do something, it's not always possible. I wish I could elaborate more on this, but I can't right now. All I can say at this time is I have a loved one going through something right now and I feel helpless to do anything for them. AND IT SUCKS!!!