I'm a bundle of nerves, I feel anxious. I just want to be there already so that waiting is over. So that I can know that the hurdle of leaving doing so safely is done.
I haven't told the Ogre yet. I know...probably not a good thing. BUT...when the fuck do you tell somebody? Especially one you have no fucking idea what they will do?! It is making me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I keep thinking, maybe just treat it like a band aid and say it. I wanted to wait until my big girl got back from her trip. She is now back safe and sound.
So, I have to do it in the next couple of days. There's no ifs ands or buts about it. But I'm scared shitless! The last time I attempted to tell him I was rooted to the floor with fear of doing it. I've had a few say I should just tell him from the airport. Or tell him the morning I'm leaving. But then I consider the people that may encounter him on the road...and don't want them to suffer on account of me if the Ogre is raging down the highway.
I am trying to believe he won't do anything that would cause him to lose the girls or his job. But as I may have mentioned, I don't feel like I know him at all so therefore I don't know what he might do. Part of me thinks he has some sort of idea...but I don't know how he might know, unless someone spilled the beans or hinted to him.
But I have to tell the Ogre this weekend....since I leave Tuesday....
I'm just a bundle of mixed up emotions.........I am really struggling with the fear of telling him. I can't sleep, I can hardly eat. I know that sleeping will be more difficult after I tell him. And Monday night...who knows if I will get any at all! I hope once this parts over, and I'm there I can relax and hopefully get some much needed sleep.
Hopefully I will survive telling the Ogre and make to Idaho safely and then I can blog from there.