Why Do I Do This to Myself?

I always seem to do this.  I get this thought in my head, I get myself really thinking about it.  But it's not possible, not even close to the realm of possibility.  And yet, I went and got the thought in my head.

Back in my early years I started college.  It wasn't my first choice, but it was the one that TAP and PELL would cover completely.  I started out as a business major.  I was doing well, that is until I had to take algebra...dun dun dun.  I can NOT do algebra to save my life, nor do I give two shits about something I'll never use.  So I changed majors (HAHA! Take that algebra!) to Humanities with a focus on childhood education (I'd have to double check my transcripts to be sure that was the focus).  And I was doing well.  I was on the Dean's list.  I had a 3.8 GPA.  I was happy.  Now this wasn't exactly going to be my chosen field but I was thinking my degree would get me into a 4 year college and I could focus on what I wanted. 

I was twenty, I didn't know what I wanted to major in really.  I actually was considering Liberal Arts.  Once upon a time, I wanted to go to NYU or John Jay and study law.  But my brain doesn't work that way.  I'm not analytical.   But I love reading and I love history.  Hence why I pondered Liberal Arts.  Then I married the Ogre, and a year later we moved to FL.  And there went my college days. 

I've thought about going back a few times.  But every time was the same thing, no money no transportation...a long list of nos!

Well, today we were driving and some how the topic came up.  And once again I was talking about how I wanted a Liberal Arts degree.  However, my Beloved thinks that's silly.  He thinks I should at least major in English, History or Creative Writing.  (HOLY SHIT!  Someone who doesn't think those are stupid majors or a waste of time!!!)  My reason for wanting an associates in Liberal Arts is I don't know which road I want to take.  At least that way I can explore them all.  Great idea, right? 

Not so much.  I still don't have the money for it.  I still don't have a way to get there.  I don't even know which school here I'd consider.  Though the one I did look at....23 grand for tuition alone!!!!  I don't want to take out loans. 

So I've gone and done it to myself again.  Dreamed of a college degree that I can't get.  Briefly got my hopes up to let myself down.  The reality is I can't, we can't afford it.  I guess the best I could do is look at free courses online and try to make the best of it.  All I'm doing by thinking about school is letting myself down....hard.