Friday, January 10, 2014

I Don't Know How I'm Supposed To Feel

I found out this morning that my mother is back in the hospital.  It doesn't sound good.  She had a stroke last year and was diagnosed with diabetes.  From the sounds of it she hasn't been taking care of herself, not eating right, not going back to the doctor for check ups.  So now she's in the hospital with jaundice, in renal failure, and they did a CAT scan which shows a mass on her pancreas.  A biopsy was done on it and they are waiting for the results.  They are trying to reverse the renal failure with fluids, but the doctor has also said that she wouldn't survive dialysis.  I'm not really sure what that part means.

The thing is....knowing all this.....I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.  Do I care?  Do I not care?  You see, we haven't spoken in a little over 15 years.  The last written contact I had from her was about 10 years ago.  These were her choices.  She did not want me to marry not just the girls dad but anyone for that matter.  Her plan I think was for me to live my life with her, doing things her way, supporting her gambling habit, running around to bingo and Atlantic City with her, feeding her co-dependency.  Her plan failed.  She was furious when I got married.  Has pretty much blamed me for everything that's gone wrong in life.  If it wasn't my fault, it was my late father's fault.  Anyone and everyone's fault but hers.   She chose not to have a relationship with my girls.  So for the last 15 years, she has basically disowned me and acts like I don't even exist.  It used hurt and make me angry.  Now it just makes me sad because she missed out on so much.

My family feels I should be responsible for her should anything happen to her.  They don't understand that I can't.  Financially I don't have the means to do anything.  Flying alone would cost anywhere from 450-over 700 depending on when.  How can I be responsible for someone who doesn't give a shit about me?  I can't cover any of her expense should she pass. 

I honestly don't know how I feel about any of this.  Except a sense of guilt because I don't have the money to do anything. 

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like my father, the co-dependent. I moved out in '93 right after highschool and he lost it, and has never moved on. So when we found out he had Stage 3 cancer back in... 2011? 2012? How was I supposed to feel?

    It was tricky. He reared me - I didn't have my mother in my life. So he was The Parent, and a pretty darn good one until I grew up. I wanted to reconcile with him, but he'd already written a letter to me saying he just didn't care.

    Like you, it makes me sad. My son hasn't had his grandfather the way he should. My dad doesn't even know I have a daughter.

    What are you supposed to do if something happens to your mother? What am I supposed to do if something happens to my father?

    Well, I do know this much: though it is a perfectly natural emotion, try not to feel guilty. She made her choice. My father made his choices. For 20 years (my entire adult life), I reached out to him and tried. But he only rebuffed and hurt me, and a person can only take so much emotional abuse.

    I run the gamut whenever I think of my dad, from guilt to anger to wishful thinking. I debate reaching out to him again, then tell myself it's his turn, damn it!

    So I can empathize with you very much here. :)

    Please try not to beat yourself up in any way. I don't think you bear any responsibility to your mother.