Friday, March 25, 2011

The End of BIG - Week 1

I have to say I liked week 1 for the most part. The exercises I that I thought were going to be hard were easier and vice versa. I'm still learning how to really listen to what the painting wants. It's harder than you think. And Fear, boy that one shows up in all kinds of guises.

I found Wednesday to be my most difficult day. The feelings that started to come out after I made that call, were tearing me apart. The exercise I was working on that day was to paint shapes, any old shape I wanted. I was thinking okay circle, and even my oldest was like you should do circle. So on Tuesday night, well very early Wednesday morning before I went to bed I painted circles in black paint. Figuring I'll let it dry over night and add color later on.

After that call, something seemed to change, and I really hated what I had started. I was feeling angry, sad, lost, alone, confused. I chose colors outside my 'normal' ones and I thought I'll try to paint out the feelings through the colors. But it wasn't working. Every stroke I hated it more, I didn't listen to the painting or my feelings. I even wanted to tear it down and destroy it. I should have attacked the painting with the emotions I was feeling, should have picked colors to match. But this process is all so new to me.

Part of me wants to go back to that painting and give it the ass kicking it deserved that day. Part of me wants to attack a whole blank page. I also have one more exercise to do. I could incorporate my feelings into that, but it all depends on what the paper and paint tell me to do. I need to learn to listen and respond to what it's telling me, to learn to listen and respond to my feelings versus react to them.

At the same time, I am also learning how to feel instead of block out, detach or suppress. I don't want to feel numb or shut down or push the people I love away any more.

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