Ever since I made that call on Wednesday, I have felt like I am drowning in emotions. I feel like someone has ripped a too small bandage off a very deep and raw wound. I feel it deep in my gut and in my heart. The feeling of just wanting to cry and cry won't go away. Feeling alone and like I've lost everything and everyone, even though those I love and that support me are still very much right here. They haven't left me.
I plan to go into see the advocates on Monday, but I will admit I am terrified. I am scared that this feeling of being raw, open and wounded will only get deeper and worse. I am terrified that in the end, I will end up being lost and alone when all is said and done. I've been so condition from a young age to detach and suppress, that while in someways I welcome the pain because I know I'm not numb. At the same time, I don't know how much I can take.
I miss my Beloved so much, my heart literally hurts. It feels like it is breaking over and over into a million pieces. And all I can do is hope and pray and wish we find our way back together. I don't want know what it would be like to live without him by my side, to have to live without telling him or showing him how much I love him. To have to live with out showing him how happy he makes me and how much he means to me. I don't want to have to go through life with out my Beloved. But all I can do is wish, hope and pray, and tell him I love him when I can.
I have even resorted to speaking out loud to my Grandma. I miss her so much. I wish she was here to give me advice or at least put her arms around me, kiss the top of my head and tell me I was her angel and everything would be okay. I just wish she wasn't so cryptic when she told me things back then. But it was her way of giving advice sometimes. Sometimes I know she is with us, we can smell her sometimes other times we think we hear her walking. I could really use her help right now. I wonder if it's possible that she could somehow.