Feelings

The more I think about and try to plan all this out in my head for the most part and on part, the more scared I get. My mind tends to go a million miles a minute, and I start to think what if I can't get the assistance I need? What if I would have to go into a shelter even for a short time to get the assistance? What if I can't find a job? How would I support myself, pay rent and bills, buy food? I know, I am worrying about stuff that hasn't even been applied for yet and about stuff in a place I'm not even at yet. But this shit is scary! I am wanting to move...2200 miles away....by myself! I mean yes it's to be around people I think of as family, it's to be closer to my Beloved even if I don't know what's going to happen with us, it's to gain my freedom from the Ogre. That is my new name for "HIM" ...the Ogre! LOL!!!

And then...I start to feel selfish. I am always putting everyone else first and myself last. The Ogre (well used to), the kids. The girls are 15 and 18, certainly not babies anymore...but to me it still feels like I am being selfish. Like how dare I want a life, how dare I want to be happy and away from the Ogre. How dare I want to be with my Beloved, the man I love with every ounce of my being. And if I end up leaving without them, I start to feel like I am abandoning them. And that is most certainly what the Ogre will be telling them as often as possible.

At what point in my life am I allowed to say enough?! It's time for me...for me to be me, to be happy, to be loved. When? Why do I have to feel like I am so alone, scared, selfish, and like I am abandoning my girls? WHY????

I am tired of feeling like I am holding my breath and walking on eggshells. All week we've been scared that the Ogre was going to have one of his fits. The Ogre has been pissy almost every night this week and half the time none of us knew why. And then...I always get THE LOOK. The one where the Ogre glares at me every time he passes my desk. It sucks because to get to the TV room you have to pass through my room, and to go back upstairs you have to pass through my room. It feels like Grand Central sometimes. And don't dare consider locking the door! Who the hell am I to want some fucking privacy so I can talk to my Beloved, or his mom, or anyone privately for that matter! I asked once to switch rooms, let me have the TV room and make room the TV room...you would have thought I asked the Ogre to cut off his arm. Not the precious! Not the TV room! I was like for fuck sakes! I'm not saying I want the fucking TV just the fucking room! Move that shit in here, and I'll move my shit in there...then I can have more space. A place to sleep and create. BUT...NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I'm just a bundle of mixed up feelings. My mind can't stop playing the what if game. Like I said, I'm scared, a nervous wreck, feeling like I'm being selfish, feeling like I'd be abandoning the girls...all because I want to take back control of my life and live for me. To be the person I should be, the person my Beloved has seen in me for so long. Is that really so wrong?