Saturday, October 16, 2010

It's Been a Year

I can hardly believe a year has gone by since I saw your eyes so blue and your hand in mine. Since I've felt your arms around me holding me safe, the warmth of your hugs, hearing the beat of your heart while I rested my head on your chest.

Not a day has gone by that my heart hasn't ached, that I haven't tried to hide the sadness I've felt since you went home. Sometimes I hurt so bad, it's unbearable. Not a day has passed that I've wondered when I'd get to feel you hold me safe in your arms again.

I have missed you everyday since you left and I will miss you everyday until we can be together again.

I try to fight it thinking I don't deserve you. That you deserve better than someone like me. I try to push you away because I miss you so much, and when I think I'm not worthy to be with you it's more than I can handle. I keep thinking that sometimes I should stay with "HIM", that it's my lot in life to deal with the shit "HE" dishes out to me. That somewhere I did something to deserve to be treated that way, a punishment if you will.

I had no intentions of falling for you, nor was I looking. I told you all that the day we started talking. All I needed was a friend, I never dreamed you would end up being more. You know well how I've fought that, trying to deny how I feel. I keep thinking if only I kept you at arms length, if only you didn't come to visit, if only I hadn't let you....If only, If only, If only....Then maybe the distance wouldn't feel like an eternity and it wouldn't hurt so much.

I miss you more than you could ever possibly know, and I wait (however impatiently) for the day I am free to be with you.

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