Today’s nudge: Write about a way in which you have changed over the years.
Change? I don't do change well. It's right up there with bragging on myself you know. The more I try to change, the more I think I stay the same. Out of fear.
I don't fit in, not well. I'm like that square peg trying to wedge myself into a round hole. I never felt like I fit in with my family growing up. I never fit in with the ex that's not yet an ex's family. I don't really feel like I fit any where. Even now. It sucks!
Every time I try to make changes, I feel like I end up going backwards instead of forwards. I second guess every move, every choice, every decision. I've been conditioned since I was child to doubt and that I didn't know anything. I've been conditioned to believe I am not good enough and nothing that I do will ever be good enough, no matter how hard I try.
SO! I am trying my damnedest to change that line of thinking. The first step towards that end was leaving the ex that's not yet an ex. Before that, it was not pursuing my mother when she stopped speaking to me. I no longer served a purpose for her, so she wanted nothing to do with me. If it had been done on my terms I would have been labeled an ungrateful bitch. But, guess what. I was still labeled that even though it was done on her terms. Funny how that happened, eh.
Trying to be a more authentic version of myself is difficult because it offends and pisses off people. You know like how dare I want to be me, to be true to myself, to stand up for what I believe in, to speak my mind. How dare I have an opinion!
So I don't know if I have changed, at least outwardly. Perhaps inward, in some of my thinking. Change is a work in progress.
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