Day 16 - Trust

Today’s Nudge: Dig something really good out of your archived writings, or write about trust.


If you have been following and reading along from the beginning, it's no secret that I have trust issues. I suppose once upon a time I was overly trusting.  Trusting those in authority, trusting family, trusting those I gave my heart and/or friendship too.  Time and again, the trust I gave so freely was crushed to bits until one day there was none left to give.

See, I trusted my mother to protect me and be there for me.  Instead, she was a narcissist who tried to live through me.  It was as though I was an extension of her to live through.  She would push me to stay in a physically abusive relationship.  Every time I ended it, she would want to find him so we could get back together. I never understood why she would want that for me.  It was after he held me at knife point that it finally hit her that I needed to be away from him.

Then I met someone, who I thought I wanted to spend my life with.  I was young and naive, and didn't realize I was getting into a controlling relationship.  It was about four months before our wedding that we got into an argument.  I don't remember what it was about.  But he pulled his arm back like he was going to punch me.  I stood up as tall as I could compared to his larger size and told him coldly, "If wants to hit me to go ahead and hit me.  But I'll be the last bitch he ever laid a hand on." I don't know what made him stop, but he lowered his hand and walked away.  Not long after that, I ended it with him.  I wasn't going to be allowed out with friends.  If I went out, he needed a full itinerary and list of people I was going with. Then he'd want to go with me, even if it was a girl's night out.  NOPE! I got out of that. 

I have had a number of "friends" who only knew me when they needed me, other wise I wasn't even a blip on the radar.  If I needed them, they never had time or wanted to get involved. Then there was the one who was around all the time, smothering and trying to take over.  Actually there were two like that, and if I tried to gain some space I was hurtful and ungrateful.

Then there was the 'EX that isn't an ex yet".  I fell into that one hard, believed all the promises.  I ended up marrying a narcissist.  A term I didn't even know existed until a couple of years ago.  Every friendship I tried to build, he found a way to make me end it.  He didn't want me having friends.  How else do you control someone? Right.

So I built walls around me and my heart.  I become cold and didn't trust anyone. I didn't think I could ever trust again. But someone came along and chipped away at my walls, showed me that I could trust.  And now I am learning how to do that again.  I still won't give myself away freely like I used to.  I am still extremely hesitant to even budge on trust.  But I do try.  Maybe someday I won't be so afraid.