Day 28 - Where Am I?

Today’s Nudge: Where are you at with romance, love, sex, etc.?
Alternative prompt: Where are you at?

Using the alt-prompt.  
Answer: I don't know.  

As I wrote on my Wordpress post, the following possibilities are I'm Lost, Adrift, Lonely (for a Tribe).  All of the above? Probably, maybe, yes.  I don't know.

I feel like a wandering nomad just going in circles. No rhyme or reason.  Just going from circle to circle within a circle.  No direction.  

There are things I want to be doing, should be doing, long to be doing.  Some days the energy level just isn't there other than to exist for the day.  Some days, I can't form cohesive thoughts or words or actions to do anything worth while.  

I keep waiting for some divine zap of inspiration out of the cosmos.  Some swift kick in the arse to get me to let go of the fears. 

You know what?  They aren't coming.  I keep dancing this dance and I'm getting, NO! I am tired of it.

My Muse isn't going to come to me, I'm going to have to go hunt the bitch down and drag her arse back to me kicking and screaming.  I will make a sign for the door and close it if I want to be left to the creative madness in peace.

I have 6 new bigger canvases waiting to be used. One smaller one that I have had for I don't know how long.  The other that was in the pack is actually on the easel with a painting in progress.  I have a stack of journals waiting to be used. Some still blank, others in various states of being filled.  I keep buying more, especially if the price is too good to pass up.  But then all they do is get added to a pile.  

Here's the thing. I'm going to be 48 next month.  50 in two years.  And I'm still waiting around sitting on my arse, letting fear control what I do or don't do.  For Fuck Sakes enough already.  No one is going to make the changes for me.  The fears are not going to one day say "Oh we're bored with this one, time to move on". 

I don't have the money to do all that I want to do.  But I can use what I have and begin where I am.  I can figure out how to afford to legally change my name back.  Because honestly, I don't know if or when he'll ever grant me a divorce.  I don't have the means to buy a shed or the supplies to build on to make into an art studio.  I will have to make my corner work.  

Pain or no pain, energy or no energy, money or none, Fear....FUCK YOU!  I cannot just sit by and watch the world and the days go by anymore.  

On WP, I said I think I am in a place of transition.  And maybe I am.  I probably am.  I feel like I am heading that way.  But I am at a fork in the road.  The one leads to great things that I create and the life I dream about, the other leads to staying in the same damn wandering circle.  I have a choice to make.