Day 26 - Wants, Then and Now

Today’s nudge: Compare what you used to want with what you presently want.

I used to want a lot of things.  But then life happened and I grew, reality set in.  Looking back now, some of things I wanted then look nothing like the things I want now.  Or perhaps they are the same, just slightly different?  More mature, wiser even?

I used to not want to be the black sheep, the odd person out.  The wallflower.  The square peg.  I have never been truly accepted based off of who I am.  I've always been judged by the deeds of my mother.  I thought leaving NY would shed that feeling, but it didn't. I would try to fit in, say the right things, jump through hoops to please people.  

Now, well....I just don't give a shit.  Okay, I do, but not like I used to.  I won't jump hoops for anyone any more.  I won't agree with you or say things to appease you. I would be happy to have a small tribe that get me and we all get along.  We can have different views and ideas, but we are open to discuss and debate and still remain friends in the end. I just want to be accepted and appreciated for who I am or who I am trying to figure out I am.

When I was little, I said I would never get married.  My living example of a marriage was tumultuous.  Alcoholic father, narcissistic mother - such a volatile combination.  Sure I had my grandparents as an example.  But get married I did.  If knew then, what I knew now I probably would have never done it.  That's not to say it wouldn't have happened eventually, I dunno.  But I did it.  I got two beautiful girls out of it, the only good thing to happen out of it.  I gave up my hopes and dreams for him, so he could do the things he wanted.  I supported every decisions, even the ones I disagreed with.  But I wasn't ever granted the same in return. The only thing that piece of paper does is grants you some benefits you might not otherwise be entitled to. 

What do I want now?  To just live a happy, healthy, satisfied life.  To be liked for who I am and not who you want me to be.  To have a small group of close knit people, to have a person.  You know like Meredith and Christina.  I want to live my dreams.